Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Why am I so annoyed?

76 replies

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 15:17

Picked the DDSs up from their mums around lunch time today - the youngest (12 year old) walked out of his mums house (they see her one evening/ night a week- long story) with 2 cans of coke in his hand (1 of which he was drinking) and climbed in the car. During general chit chat I asked what he'd had for his breakfast- he said I wasn't hungry- so I said you've had coke for your breakfast? He said no it's just a drink.. I asked him what they'd had for tea yesterday- they'd had Macdonald's..
We got in and I asked him if he wanted poached eggs and soldiers... yes please he said..

I really do my utmost best to give them good food and she lets them all the shite they want ... I've already asked her not to give the youngest fizzy drinks because he's been through a dirty phase and found every trick in the book not to shower or clean his teeth. He has now got to have a couple of fillings which she knows about. Just so annoyed about it. It's an easy option to give them whatever they want. But it's not the right way to do it. Views?
I can't talk to her about it. Not sure she is completely with it tbh (don't mean to be cruel here )

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Fullofglee · 08/08/2021 17:48

But why should op take on a parental role instead of her dh is he incapable because he's male he refuses to engage with the dm its stupid and childish. He's the father he needs to set up and be one.

namechanged192 · 08/08/2021 17:51

[quote Maximum71]@namechanged192
I feel like this is a mean comment - I do my best. He's got better because I care about him. Coming home dirty from his mums doesn't help the cause tho does it.. [/quote]
Maybe is a bit mean sorry I just cannot abide parents that don't look after their children's teeth. I literally watch my kids do it morning and night. It's neglectful to let their teeth rot and have fillings that they will have for life... I think fillings in children's teeth is neglect

bluecarry · 08/08/2021 17:55

Regardless of you being a stepmother or not, I think you need to let this slide. IMO it's shitty parenting but it's not a serious issue and in your case it's once a week.

My exH has our DD 2 days a week. He feeds her complete rubbish, McDonald's every week, ready meals, fizzy drinks, loads of sweets and chocolate. It's absolutely not what I do or would ever do when she is with me, but ultimately he's her DF, he's not actively hurting her (don't think I'd get very far on the health arguments) and of course she loves it.

I just have to breathe through it and stick to my guns on what happens when she's with me. For what it's worth it's what he eats himself and therefore thinks it's perfectly acceptable.

BlueSurfer · 08/08/2021 17:57

For one night a week, I would just find some way to blow off steam about it that your DSS and his mother are unaware of, and move on.

giggly · 08/08/2021 18:03

Yup @namechanged192 has it absolutely correct op just doesn’t want to see it from that perspective. Op for you to say that comment is mean says way more about you than the dc mum.
But you just carry on agreeing with those who agree with you.
Guess what, my teen dc have AT LEAST one maccas a week and they are thriving children neither of whom have a filling between them.
You sound like a peach.

Tiredoftattler · 08/08/2021 18:07

OP, responsibility for care of the children should lie in full with both parents , it is not something that can be spit. Time spent with one or other parent can be split, but the responsibility for the care and well being of the children lies in full with both parents. As Solomon realized long ago children cannot be split in half.

You are right however in saying that the responsibility should in no part be yours. Your husband should appreciate your help but he should be fully capable of managing on his own and so should his ex.

The children spend the vast majority of time with their father and so he has the greatest impact on the daily activities as relates to diet. Health,education and hygiene.

pootleforPM · 08/08/2021 18:20

Jeez SMs really can't win can they? The DM for whatever reason can't / won't parent her children for more than one day a week and OP is kindly stepping up to support her partner and his children as much as she can and actually cares about their health. It doesn't say anywhere in here that her DP doesn't pull his weight, perhaps he has a long hours stressful job, perhaps the OP is a SAHM and has more time on her hands to do pick ups and make dentists appointments etc. Perhaps the DCs are happy that someone is taking a motherly role with them given their own DM appears to have mostly checked out for some reason. Would it be better if OP didn't care?!

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 18:20

@Fullofglee

Why because she gave them a McDonald's? It's not down to op to tell the dm off. I'd tell her where to go. Its down to ops dh to actually co parent like like adult with his ex THEY CREATED THE CHILDREN. The dm only sees them once a week that wouldn't contributed to having fillings it's just easier to blame the dm. My dh wouldn't dream of being disrectful to ds dad any issues I speak directly with ex like an adult.

OP hasn't said anything about telling anyone off.

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 18:22

@BlueSurfer

For one night a week, I would just find some way to blow off steam about it that your DSS and his mother are unaware of, and move on.

OP has, she's posted here to have a rant. It must be disheartening to see a kid you love treated like shit.

BlueSurfer · 08/08/2021 18:23

Yes @Potatoy but it sounds like things like this are a regular occurrence and there are only so many times you can start a thread to moan about it.

Fullofglee · 08/08/2021 18:23

Potatoy

. I've already asked her not to give the youngest fizzy drinks because he's been through a dirty phase and found every trick in the book not to shower or clean his teeth

Should be her dh speaking to the dm but he's allowing his wife to do the wife work instead.

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 18:24

@BlueSurfer

Yes *@Potatoy* but it sounds like things like this are a regular occurrence and there are only so many times you can start a thread to moan about it.

Can keep moaning on this thread about it if she likes :)

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 08/08/2021 18:25

I totally see why you're frustrated. Sadly it has to be filed under 'things I can't change' and I would focus on the massive bonus that it's only one night a week, and the other 6 days are with you where they are better cared for. I know it's hard but you're doing your best.

BlueSurfer · 08/08/2021 18:26

@Potatoy only 1000 posts though and I get the impression more will be needed! I can think of a few other ways I’d rather destress on a long term basis.

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 18:26

@Fullofglee

Potatoy

. I've already asked her not to give the youngest fizzy drinks because he's been through a dirty phase and found every trick in the book not to shower or clean his teeth

Should be her dh speaking to the dm but he's allowing his wife to do the wife work instead.

How is that "telling off" That's discussing the child's health.

I've already said as hard as it is OP might need to try and care less as ultimately it's down to the legal parents. I can see why she does care though and it must be hard.

Fullofglee · 08/08/2021 18:29

It's implying she's at fault when really once a week wouldn't do that much damage to a childs teeth, he's with op and her dh 6 days a week.

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 18:40

@Fullofglee

It's implying she's at fault when really once a week wouldn't do that much damage to a childs teeth, he's with op and her dh 6 days a week.

2 cans of coke and possibly another fizzy drink with the mcdonalds every week can absolutely do damage if its a long term thing and teeth aren't being brushed

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 18:41

And she is at fault for giving them to her child, OP and DH aren't the ones doing it do who else is at fault?!

Original poster

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 19:15

@namechanged192
Thanks - I understand- the thing is - the kids are extremely private and the bathroom door is locked ALWAYS. I am used to my DD's never locking the door - I also never used to lock the door - now I do because they prefer that. Me and the girls were /are always comfortable naked around each other - (they left home a few years ago) so this is a real culture change for me.. also boys vs girls..

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 21:14

@giggly -Thank you for your comment.

You sound lovely

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 21:20

@Skiptheheartsandflowers
Yeah - I'm going to heave to learn to live with it and keep my mouth shut. Zennnn
I think If she paid a bit of maintenance or even petrol money instead of giving the boys pocket money to allow them to buy more shit drinks / sweets/ crisps when they're out with their mates near us it would make me feel a bit better.. I do buy crisps and chocolate bars for the boys and I'll get some fizzy drinks in occasionally as a treat when we're watching a movie together- I just don't want them to see it as normal to eat so much sugar and fat. And zennn

OP posts:

Noshowwithoutpunch · 08/08/2021 21:22

The woman only sees her kids once a week so will do anything she can to make them enjoy spending that short time with her and probably hopes that by buying McDonald's and giving them fizzy pop it's making them love her.

Original poster

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 21:28

@Potatoy
Yes! This: OP has, she's posted here to have a rant. It must be disheartening to see a kid you love treated like shit

It breaks my heart. She doesn't deserve them. They are beautiful kids and I love them to bits. I had a bit of a snapper with the youngest last week after I suggested he may be feeling tired as he's had Covid about a month ago.. and he shouted at me saying I had to stop saying he was ill (which I hadn't) so I shouted back ' ok I'll stop caring then! ' and he said in a small voice : no don't stop caring.. and I said ok and then we carried on as if nothing had happened but it was a bit of a breakthrough tbh..

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 21:34

@pootleforPM thanks for this- yes dh has been working 12-18 hours a day 6-7 days a week for the past 9 months. I wfh - Flexible hours. I do more house/ parent stuff at the moment. I have no problem being the (step) parent. The boys love me. They tell me too. And they have no problem with me stepping up to the role of responsible mum. They have changed dramatically for the better since I moved in.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 21:40

@Noshowwithoutpunch
She's nowhere to be seen when it comes to being a real parent though. She won't even comb through their hair to check for nits.. yet tells me she's done it when I asked her at the pick up..
This was after I asked her to check him over because it makes him (the 12 year old) cry when I do it... (he has a lot of emotion in him) so I thought his own mum doing it would help

I know what will happen in the future and that's why I'm holding my tongue. You can't buy love

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4