I need some advice

[ToughLoveLDN]

I’ve been with my partner for multiple years, he has a son from his past relationship (DSS) and we now have a little girl together. I will refer to DSS mum as DSSM as it might get confusing. Also sorry for the essay but I don’t want to be accused of drip feeding but if I have missed anything please ask.

From the beginning of knowing about the pregnancy of DSSM my DP was not excited as it was a massive shock, but came around and adores DSS. DSSM claimed that DSS was planned, whether he was or not is between them as I wasn’t there. But as you can imagine this has created friction from the get go. DP wasn’t allowed any involvement in the pregnancy although was treated as her personal bank. Through the years contact with DSS has been off and on. As a toddler there was a point where he was at my DP’s nearly 5/6 days a week and DP thought he may be able to take sole custody. This was then stopped and contact for the next 3 years would be very sporadic and based around her social life and love life. maybe once a month, sometimes multiple times a week including nights. This would also be dependent on the financial situation. She has always been lazy and not wanted to work. DP was unable to give her the money she wanted as he had a serious injury at work (think hospital, surgery etc) and was unable to work and as he wasn’t able to give her what she felt she was entitled to, she took him to the CSA where the maintenance was dropped from hundreds per week, to double digits as that’s what they saw was fair. She then completely removed contact as she found out she can get more money the less contact.

Over time contact had gone back to being sporadic, my partner then had a mental breakdown due to the situation with his son and was once again unable to pay anything. The CSA agreed with this. After time DP got his life back on track and has moved forward with his life. Payments have obviously been restarted and we are happy about this. DP has never not wanted to provide for his son.

Things have been okay but contact is minimal even though we constantly ask for more. There is always some excuse why it can’t happen. Our contact with her and DSS was pretty much non existent during lockdown as she refused to social distance and I was pregnant and didn’t want to put myself or my unborn baby at risk as I already have issues with my immune system. This is somehow our fault though, and not her inability to follow basic rules so that she doesn’t put others at risk. Found out maybe a fort nite ago that she has a new partner (makes sense why she wanted DP to have DSS more) we were happy for her as DP has obviously moved on with his life. But we were under the impression that this is a new relationship and he had only just met DSS. Come to find out she’s pregnant and in second trimester. DP is fuming about this as he feels it shows a lack of transparency on her behalf and as she went mental when she found out I had met DSS,but it’s always one rule for one and that was a very long time ago.

She’s also been trying to say we endanger our child because we post her on social media. Our DD was born with a fairly rare disability so we like to try to raise awareness and normalise this. This also links back to lack of contact during lockdown, my baby was already unwell, I was not willing to take any chances.

Where I need advice is how do I stop this completely consuming me. I love my DP, he’s an amazing father to our baby and he really cares for me. But it’s all gotten a bit much. He’s finally decided to take her to court rather than placate her out of fear of losing his son again. Which I’m very proud of him for, it’s nice to see him standing up for himself and his son. But the last few months I can’t stop thinking about DSS, and his mother. Mainly his mother. I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. I have constant anxiety because I’m waiting for the next stunt she is going to pull and the backlash I will face from my DP as it all affects him on a deep level. Has anyone out there dealt with this?? I know it’s all a bit dramatic but I really need some guidance. I wish I could just put it out of my head as my DP asks me to, but I fear I’ve become obsessed

OP, you cannot fix the ex as you have come to realize. You can only fix your responses.

Leave the ex to your husband to deal and try to get some counseling to help the both of you to develop better coping skills.

I agree with the ex about posting pictures or information about children on social media. I do not see any real benefit to plastering photos and information about children on social media platforms. It seems to me to be an invasion of the privacy of people who are to young to object and a way of creating vicarious playgrounds for paedophiles .

[quote ToughLoveLDN]@candlelightsatdawn thank you for your advice. I’m definitely going to take a step back in regards to being a SM and try not to let things affect me so much. I think I need to lighten up a bit in general tbh, I know I have issues letting go of things and use it as a defence mechanism but it’s really clear from these messages that this is not serving a positive purpose for me anymore.

I’ve text DP so that when he gets home from work we can have a big chat, set boundaries, draw a line and move forward with our life together[/quote]
It's hard. Something I will be completely utterly honest and say I do not have it down at all some days (cue gasp from all the MN pit fork people who think that being a SM means your the equivalent of pond bacteria if not perfect - luckily they haven't jumped on this thread yet)

Being SM is really hard but honestly some days you have to say it's not my monkeys, I cannot fix certain things (even if you want to) and just try to mosy on regardless.

I don't doubt DH has been contributing to your mental state of being, don't let him escape that. It takes two to get to this type of head space and have a chat with some firm boundaries.

You will feel happier because of it. Promise !

@Tiredoftattler

OP, you cannot fix the ex as you have come to realize. You can only fix your responses. Leave the ex to your husband to deal and try to get some counseling to help the both of you to develop better coping skills.

I agree with the ex about posting pictures or information about children on social media. I do not see any real benefit to plastering photos and information about children on social media platforms. It seems to me to be an invasion of the privacy of people who are to young to object and a way of creating vicarious playgrounds for paedophiles .

I do totally see where you and ex are coming from tbh. I’m not naive at all. I am trying to use social media as a way to promote knowledge and change. Initially I didn’t post pictures of my girl on socials because I was scared of what people would say about how she looked. After having people stare at her constantly or make comments I just wanted to try and normalise it for her to the world so hopefully she won’t have to hear them when she’s old enough to understand. And also to show what our life is like. She had to have serious plastic surgery at 3 months old on her face and nose as she couldn’t eat or breathe properly. And when she can speak to me if she says ‘no more mummy’ then that’s it. No more.

@candlelightsatdawn it’s really hard. I went into this early twenties thinking it was like the best of both worlds. He was little wanted to cuddle all the time, and was pretty easy to deal with apart from usual toddler/small child things. Time has gone on, things haven’t changed. Nothing has become clearer if anything it’s become worse and most days atm I just wanna throw in the towel and end my relationship because it would be easier.

The few days we do see DSS myself and DP end up arguing because of his behaviour in general and towards me. It’s hard not to get fed up after a while. Or feel like ‘I could’ve been relaxing today but instead I’m having to do this with you’. It’s not fair to DP and he does always remind me that I knew about DSS before the relationship as we had been friends for a while. But it’s so different when you’re in it.

A chat has been ‘scheduled’ for this evening. And I’ve been researching some relationship councillors so that can get booked in ASAP. You are right, so right, it’s really not my issue and I just need to accept that it is what it is and I can’t fix it. I have been so invested in the injustice of it all and how bad it makes my DP feel and letting him have his space to vent and have his feelings I’ve forgot about mine.

@ToughLoveLDN I think the problem is you have become embroiled in your DH drama.

I would also point out to your husband that yes you knew he had a kid but you also knew that child had two fully fledged parents and you expect him to parent. Just because you knew he had a child doesn't mean he can make monkeys that are his, yours and then beat you over head with them.

If my kid is rude to anyone let alone by DH I parent her. Do you have that support at home from DH (you don't have to answer) but a lot of questions on here are about SC bad behaviour but behind frustrated step mum is usually a Disney dad not backing her up.