I need some advice

[ToughLoveLDN]

I’ve been with my partner for multiple years, he has a son from his past relationship (DSS) and we now have a little girl together. I will refer to DSS mum as DSSM as it might get confusing. Also sorry for the essay but I don’t want to be accused of drip feeding but if I have missed anything please ask.

From the beginning of knowing about the pregnancy of DSSM my DP was not excited as it was a massive shock, but came around and adores DSS. DSSM claimed that DSS was planned, whether he was or not is between them as I wasn’t there. But as you can imagine this has created friction from the get go. DP wasn’t allowed any involvement in the pregnancy although was treated as her personal bank. Through the years contact with DSS has been off and on. As a toddler there was a point where he was at my DP’s nearly 5/6 days a week and DP thought he may be able to take sole custody. This was then stopped and contact for the next 3 years would be very sporadic and based around her social life and love life. maybe once a month, sometimes multiple times a week including nights. This would also be dependent on the financial situation. She has always been lazy and not wanted to work. DP was unable to give her the money she wanted as he had a serious injury at work (think hospital, surgery etc) and was unable to work and as he wasn’t able to give her what she felt she was entitled to, she took him to the CSA where the maintenance was dropped from hundreds per week, to double digits as that’s what they saw was fair. She then completely removed contact as she found out she can get more money the less contact.

Over time contact had gone back to being sporadic, my partner then had a mental breakdown due to the situation with his son and was once again unable to pay anything. The CSA agreed with this. After time DP got his life back on track and has moved forward with his life. Payments have obviously been restarted and we are happy about this. DP has never not wanted to provide for his son.

Things have been okay but contact is minimal even though we constantly ask for more. There is always some excuse why it can’t happen. Our contact with her and DSS was pretty much non existent during lockdown as she refused to social distance and I was pregnant and didn’t want to put myself or my unborn baby at risk as I already have issues with my immune system. This is somehow our fault though, and not her inability to follow basic rules so that she doesn’t put others at risk. Found out maybe a fort nite ago that she has a new partner (makes sense why she wanted DP to have DSS more) we were happy for her as DP has obviously moved on with his life. But we were under the impression that this is a new relationship and he had only just met DSS. Come to find out she’s pregnant and in second trimester. DP is fuming about this as he feels it shows a lack of transparency on her behalf and as she went mental when she found out I had met DSS,but it’s always one rule for one and that was a very long time ago.

She’s also been trying to say we endanger our child because we post her on social media. Our DD was born with a fairly rare disability so we like to try to raise awareness and normalise this. This also links back to lack of contact during lockdown, my baby was already unwell, I was not willing to take any chances.

Where I need advice is how do I stop this completely consuming me. I love my DP, he’s an amazing father to our baby and he really cares for me. But it’s all gotten a bit much. He’s finally decided to take her to court rather than placate her out of fear of losing his son again. Which I’m very proud of him for, it’s nice to see him standing up for himself and his son. But the last few months I can’t stop thinking about DSS, and his mother. Mainly his mother. I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. I have constant anxiety because I’m waiting for the next stunt she is going to pull and the backlash I will face from my DP as it all affects him on a deep level. Has anyone out there dealt with this?? I know it’s all a bit dramatic but I really need some guidance. I wish I could just put it out of my head as my DP asks me to, but I fear I’ve become obsessed

Why can she even see your social media?

DP is doing the right thing going to court. He needs to shield you from any contact from his ex. All communication should be between them and there is no need for you to be involved in anyway.

@clickychicky

Why can she even see your social media?

My profile is public as I use it to show that someone with my daughters difference is still a normal person.

I don’t know how she found me as both mine and my partners social media accounts are under pseudonyms. She is now blocked

@clickychicky

DP is doing the right thing going to court. He needs to shield you from any contact from his ex. All communication should be between them and there is no need for you to be involved in anyway.

I totally agree with you and this is something I have discussed with him over this weekend.

I have had contact with her previously as I was trying to be kind since our kids are siblings. I previously offered to look after DSS more so she could have adult time for herself/ with her partner. And most recently as DSS had said she has been very sick. I remember how awful my pregnancy was. And I was hoping if we could have a better relationship it would be better for my DD and my DSS in the long run

She is now blocked good she sounds nasty.

Its nice of you to have been so helpful but I think given her behaviour you're not going to be able to win her over. She sounds so nasty

@clickychicky

Its nice of you to have been so helpful but I think given her behaviour you're not going to be able to win her over. She sounds so nasty

Yeah she’s not the nicest. I’ve tried to see it as what’s happened between her and DP (although makes me angry) isn’t the present and I don’t really know what truly happened as it’s just he said she said. But she’s got some serious mental issues that I’ve seen for myself as up until now I’ve always been nice to her and chilled out. When we first started dating years ago I even wanted to meet with her for coffee so we could get to know each other better. I’ve never intended to be friends but I just wanted to make it easier for DSS.

I was so upset when she accused me of endangering my child, not the first time she’s accused me/DP of this with DSS. When she think it’s acceptable that her child doesn’t wash/brush his teeth, goes out with the soles falling off his shoes and clothes dirty. I know it’s horrible but I feel embarrassed when we go out with him as we are always well dressed, clean and presentable. We pick him up and he’s not washed, hairs in brushed and everywhere

As easy as it is to say and hard to actually do.

You need to step back.

DH is handling it from a court perspective. When people get wrapped up in their drama they tend to take others with them. Agree that you will only speak about the ex on x day a week, and until then it needs to be a No go subject. Enforce this. You will feel better I truly promise.

The ex is a typical case of "not your circus not your monkey". I appreciate why you have tried to help with the ex but some people are just the way they are and there's very little you can do about it. Sometimes by feeding it you can make it worse

Be kind to SC when you have him, support DH but also allow room for yourself and the kindness your giving to others.

Sometimes you need to protect your own peace. Good luck 🤞🏻 xx

Would mediation be quicker/ cheaper?

To be honest I think you both sound a bit dramatic. Your DH is fuming because she was pregnant in the second trimester? Wtf. He shouldn’t care if he’s moved on as it’s nothing to do with him what she does in her life.

But the kid some new shoes if they are broke.

You need to lock down your social media. Blocking her isn’t any good as she will just find another account to use.

It sounds like you have refused a lot of contact over the last year or so due to your baby which I understand but your partner should of still been seeing his child, even away from the house. You can’t police her movements.

Block her number and have no contact with her.

She won’t change. She will always be the same but going to court will help.

Just tell your partner to stop talking about her.

@spotcheck

Would mediation be quicker/ cheaper?

I believe they have to go through mediation first. Then if she refuses the terms it goes to court

What do you mean by the "backlash" from your DP?

The last paragraph of your OP is very telling. How you stop this from getting to you so much is you acknowledge, and those around you acknowledge, that this issue is not the centre of your universe. Leave it to your DP to stress over, and concentrate on bringing up your little girl. What is stopping that from being possible? Is it your DP?

@Vanilla1Cookies

To be honest I think you both sound a bit dramatic. Your DH is fuming because she was pregnant in the second trimester? Wtf. He shouldn’t care if he’s moved on as it’s nothing to do with him what she does in her life.

But the kid some new shoes if they are broke.

You need to lock down your social media. Blocking her isn’t any good as she will just find another account to use.

It sounds like you have refused a lot of contact over the last year or so due to your baby which I understand but your partner should of still been seeing his child, even away from the house. You can’t police her movements.

Block her number and have no contact with her.

Oh no sorry I didn’t explain it very well. He was fuming because she told DP that DSS had met her new BF just 2 weeks before and was acting like it was a new relationship and that she had told DP very quickly after new BF had met DSS. But it then became obvious that wasn’t a new relationship at all and DSS had been in contact with new BF a lot longer than was made to believe, because of how far into her pregnancy she is. He was fuming because of her lack of transparency about the situation. When we had been dating for a while, we made the decision for me to meet DSS, DP and DSSM were basically no contact so it wasn’t a thought of we should have spoken to her first. In hindsight, we should have said something. But she saw me in the car once when we were dropping him off and stormed the car practically dragged her son out of the car and started shouting at us in the street about how we are endangering her child. Everything is about control with her.

DP and I were happy she’s pregnant. As we are hoping she will now have her own ‘new family’ (as she likes to refer to myself and my daughter, DSS is very much a part of our family) and will not be as bothered with DSS as she does when she gets a new bf. It’s her shiny new toy. Which is so sad

@aSofaNearYou

What do you mean by the "backlash" from your DP?

The last paragraph of your OP is very telling. How you stop this from getting to you so much is you acknowledge, and those around you acknowledge, that this issue is not the centre of your universe. Leave it to your DP to stress over, and concentrate on bringing up your little girl. What is stopping that from being possible? Is it your DP?

DP gets very upset about it all. It’s been an ongoing source of sadness for him for the last 8/9 years. On days leading up to us seeing his son he gets very anxious, so it’s like walking on eggshells.

Unfortunately, DP isn’t the one who talks about it all of them. He very rarely speaks about it and gets annoyed with me that I bring it up all the time. As he told me last night ‘you say her name everyday’.

I don’t want to be obsessed. I don’t know how it’s ended up like this. I obviously have some issues. I’m going to try to not think about it, and even if I do I’m going to try to not mention it.

will not be as bothered with DSS
It doesn't and shouldn't work like that.

Yes try not to talk to DP about it unless it really affects you. if he starts talking a out it too much you can say "oh that sounds like a you issue" or just politely say you don't want to get involved, he can let you know if he needs anything from you.

@Vanilla1Cookies

To be honest I think you both sound a bit dramatic. Your DH is fuming because she was pregnant in the second trimester? Wtf. He shouldn’t care if he’s moved on as it’s nothing to do with him what she does in her life.

But the kid some new shoes if they are broke.

You need to lock down your social media. Blocking her isn’t any good as she will just find another account to use.

It sounds like you have refused a lot of contact over the last year or so due to your baby which I understand but your partner should of still been seeing his child, even away from the house. You can’t police her movements.

Block her number and have no contact with her.

Oh also just to clarify about not seeing DSS during covid. As she wasn’t following the rules her and DSS were constantly having to take covid tests as they were consistently coming into contact with people who were positive. Which DP and I found alarming in case DP picked it up from them without knowing and then passed it to me. But also a lot of the time that they weren’t flouting the rules they were isolating so DP wasn’t able to physically see him. He did try to FaceTime him a few times a week to make up for lack of contact.

The other thing is a close member of her family who she wasn’t distancing from had cancer (not the first time). She might not have cared but my DP is a front line worker, and I was in a client facing role. We didn’t want to risk anything if one of us got sick and then passed it on through them.

I know it sounds like a load of excuses but covid has been hard to navigate. We’ve tried our best to keep everyone safe by following the rules as much as we can

*DP gets very upset about it all. It’s been an ongoing source of sadness for him for the last 8/9 years. On days leading up to us seeing his son he gets very anxious, so it’s like walking on eggshells.

Unfortunately, DP isn’t the one who talks about it all of them. He very rarely speaks about it and gets annoyed with me that I bring it up all the time. As he told me last night ‘you say her name everyday’.

I don’t want to be obsessed. I don’t know how it’s ended up like this. I obviously have some issues. I’m going to try to not think about it, and even if I do I’m going to try to not mention it.*

There's a lot of dysfunction there and it sounds like both of you could be contributing to it. The classic MN response is to suggest couple's therapy, which would probably be a great help, but if you don't want to go down that route, just an honest, cards on the table heart to heart is in order. You need to talk to him about how it's making you feel and say you need a bit of a reset. You both need to pull yourselves out of wallowing over this situation, or the relationship is doomed, and certainly is not worth it for you.

He needs to own his anxiety and sadness about this situation, and not make a habit of taking it out on you. That is not appropriate. It sounds like you are making allowances for it because you sympathise with the cause, but would you do this if it were over another issue? You need to know your own worth and not allow a relationship where you are walking on eggshells and taking the brunt of his frustration about something else in his life. He needs to recognise that in order to keep his relationship, he needs to find a way to not let this issue consume him, because he is with someone with no reason to be equally invested in this issue(his contact with his son), who therefore does not need to put up with it.

Meanwhile, yes, you really need to stop mentioning it all the time. You're your own worst enemy there, because you're only increasing the likelihood of him feeling down about it. My DP used to harbour a lot of sadness about not living full time with DSS but it does not impact our lives when he is not around, and it isn't a constant source of conversation. This will be far more enjoyable for you, and far healthier for the both of you.

@clickychicky

will not be as bothered with DSS It doesn't and shouldn't work like that.

It’s not right at all. Sadly that is how she is though.

Thank you for all your advice btw. I really appreciate it. It has made me feel more settled and like I can clearly see how I need to behave moving forward

Il be honest, it does sound like a load of excuses.

He also had no right to be mad she has a new partner and it’s been going on a lot longer. You practically did the same thing to her and didn’t let her know you were on the scene. It’s all well and good saying about hindsight but it’s what you did that counts.

If she sees her family member who had cancer and the person who had cancer was ok about that then it’s absolutely nothing to do with you. You are bringing stuff that’s going on in her life into your life for no reason.
If she was isolating a lot you could of seen dss right after each isolation episode.

You are way to wrapped up in this. I think the situation here is being created by her but also equally by you. You’re feeding off the drama which is why you have become obsessed with it.

Set little goals. Try to go 2 days without mentioning her.

@aSofaNearYou

*DP gets very upset about it all. It’s been an ongoing source of sadness for him for the last 8/9 years. On days leading up to us seeing his son he gets very anxious, so it’s like walking on eggshells.

Unfortunately, DP isn’t the one who talks about it all of them. He very rarely speaks about it and gets annoyed with me that I bring it up all the time. As he told me last night ‘you say her name everyday’.

I don’t want to be obsessed. I don’t know how it’s ended up like this. I obviously have some issues. I’m going to try to not think about it, and even if I do I’m going to try to not mention it.*

There's a lot of dysfunction there and it sounds like both of you could be contributing to it. The classic MN response is to suggest couple's therapy, which would probably be a great help, but if you don't want to go down that route, just an honest, cards on the table heart to heart is in order. You need to talk to him about how it's making you feel and say you need a bit of a reset. You both need to pull yourselves out of wallowing over this situation, or the relationship is doomed, and certainly is not worth it for you.

He needs to own his anxiety and sadness about this situation, and not make a habit of taking it out on you. That is not appropriate. It sounds like you are making allowances for it because you sympathise with the cause, but would you do this if it were over another issue? You need to know your own worth and not allow a relationship where you are walking on eggshells and taking the brunt of his frustration about something else in his life. He needs to recognise that in order to keep his relationship, he needs to find a way to not let this issue consume him, because he is with someone with no reason to be equally invested in this issue(his contact with his son), who therefore does not need to put up with it.

Meanwhile, yes, you really need to stop mentioning it all the time. You're your own worst enemy there, because you're only increasing the likelihood of him feeling down about it. My DP used to harbour a lot of sadness about not living full time with DSS but it does not impact our lives when he is not around, and it isn't a constant source of conversation. This will be far more enjoyable for you, and far healthier for the both of you.

Thank you for your responses. MN is often not so constructive so I really appreciate it.

Funnily enough we have begun to discuss seeing a couples councillor. Not just for this but our issues with communication.

You are right about self worth. I’m
Not a very confident person. But I know that this can’t continue so I will have to have some self reflection and discuss with DP how I expect to be treated in the future. I’m really going to work on not speaking about the situation so hopefully I eventually won’t think about it anymore

@Vanilla1Cookies

Il be honest, it does sound like a load of excuses.

He also had no right to be mad she has a new partner and it’s been going on a lot longer. You practically did the same thing to her and didn’t let her know you were on the scene. It’s all well and good saying about hindsight but it’s what you did that counts.

If she sees her family member who had cancer and the person who had cancer was ok about that then it’s absolutely nothing to do with you. You are bringing stuff that’s going on in her life into your life for no reason.
If she was isolating a lot you could of seen dss right after each isolation episode.

You are way to wrapped up in this. I think the situation here is being created by her but also equally by you. You’re feeding off the drama which is why you have become obsessed with it.

Set little goals. Try to go 2 days without mentioning her.

I know and you are right, but the hypocrisy of it winds me up. It’s so stupid that it affects me but she expects DP and I to behave in a certain way so surely she should to. It has always been one rule for us and one rule for her. I shouldn’t let it get to me but it does.

And yes you are right about the family member thing. We shouldn’t have cared if they didn’t care. But for me it has been a thing of if you want to put that person at risk that’s your choice, I just don’t want any part in it. I would feel terrible if DSS had spent the weekend with us gone back and then her family member tests positive and potentially dies. I’m such an anxious person that stuff like this becomes a big thing in my head and I would worry about it a lot.

I’m going to try to not talk about her at all from now on. Your advice and PP’s has really been taken on board. I’d become so bogged down with it I really couldn’t see the light through the trees but it does feel much more manageable now

@ToughLoveLDN I think the advice on here is spot on.

It's easy to see that this is consuming far far to much of your soul, time and energy just by what you have written here.

As absolutely ball achingly annoying as it is. You as a SM have to let things go. Sounds like you have taken DH monkey and now they are running the show in your house.

The ex and her movement (no matter how frustrating or unsafe) are her choice to make and you can do 0 to control it. Believe me I know this is frustrating when people are flippant about something that could end up causing real harm. However their risk, is not your risk. You are entitled to your choices and so is the ex. Lamenting about it isn't going to help you or your relationship. Stressing about perceived slights is unhealthy.

Draw a mental line in the sand and let it drop

@candlelightsatdawn thank you for your advice. I’m definitely going to take a step back in regards to being a SM and try not to let things affect me so much. I think I need to lighten up a bit in general tbh, I know I have issues letting go of things and use it as a defence mechanism but it’s really clear from these messages that this is not serving a positive purpose for me anymore.

I’ve text DP so that when he gets home from work we can have a big chat, set boundaries, draw a line and move forward with our life together