Is this odd?

[Lackofsleep123]

My MIL has always bought my DSD’s school uniform (I just assumed she did the same with her other grandkids) and last year she paid for DSD’s school residential which was about £350 and wrote a cheque out for school photos but made no offer to pay for my DD’s (her grandchild, too) nursery photos.

I spoke to my SIL and it turns out my MIL has never paid for SIL’s kids uniform or residentials.

My DD is starting school this year and there has been no offer of any support with buying uniform but MIL has openly said a number of times how she’s going to be buying DSD’s uniform and school shoes.

Now, my partner isn’t struggling for money so can afford to buy his daughter’s uniform and pay for trips but MIL just always shoved the cheque book out for her.

I dunno, I just find it weird. I just want to know whether this is just normal?

Yes it’s odd. It’s even odder that your DH accepts it and doesn’t actually say, ‘what about the other DGC?’
It’s almost like it’s compensation for the fact that DSD is from a separated family. Failing to take into account that children should be treated equally.
If my parents had ever given my DC things/ money not given to my nephews / nieces I would have called it out. (I’m divorced). If behind the scenes there was financial support that I needed that my siblings didn’t, I’d expect there to be an open (adult) conversation between us adults. I wouldn’t expect my DC to get special treatment.

@Galliano

It sounds like a way of still being involved with and supporting DSD after her son split from the mother? There could easily be a history as to why this was the right precedent to set.

I think the same.

It's a pity other people know what she does,frankly. She has her reasons, it doesn't mean she loves the other grandchildren any less.

I agree it’s odd, but at the same time if it saves your household money I’d just go with it if she’s happy to do it. As far as you are concerned treat it as her paying 50/50 for each DGC but in reality she’s paying a whole one and not the other.

Is DSD the oldest? And it’s something she’s started and just stuck to or… something that happened over more time?

I agree it sounds like maybe something she was doing to help with her parents being separated. But I think if she’s good in all other ways I’d probably just let her get on with it and see it as DC benefits because your DP isn’t having to buy his DSD that stuff so perhaps DC can have more expensive shoes/ bag/coat as a plus side for that.

I’d be fuming. It’s the message it sends out.

Does your DH’s ex struggle financially?

It’s entirely possible that if this is the case MIL knows that and wants to make sure that she doesn’t go without.

How much maintenance does your DH pay?

The fact she goes to her father’s is neither here nor there if he’s still only paying minimum maintenance to her mother.

This would explain why A, she doesn’t do the same for your DD or for SIL’s DC as they’re all part of permanent family units and not dependent on an ex to provide support.

I’d be fuming. It’s the message it sends out. IMO the message it sends out is that her father doesn’t contribute enough towards his child with his ex.

If he wanted to pay he could easily just say no, but appears he doesn’t.

I’d bet money he pays minimum maintenance or none at all if the DSD lives there 50/50 but the mum still has to pick up a lot of the cost of raising DSD while he is prepared to take advantage of his mother’s goodwill.

IMO the message it sends out is that her father doesn’t contribute enough towards his child with his ex. interestingly the message it sent to me was Son, keep your money it's not fair you paying half while Ex pays nothing. I'll cover it and save any arguments/resentment.

I think the grandmother is doing a decent thing and the circumstances are different to yours and sil as there's two parents with joint incomes. Your nose is out of joint because you expect her to also start paying towards your child in the same way. Your DSD is starting senior school uniform is very expensive costing into hundreds of pounds.

I know GPs who pay for things for some children and not others in similar circumstances because they worry those children will miss out, whilst others won’t. I don’t see what the problem is tbh, it sounds like these are essentials, not treats.

Honestly, does anyone know of a kid who feels that they are getting special treatment or a treat of some sort because their school uniforms are paid for ; do they really give a thought or care as to how they are paid?

Some parents would just express gratitude even if the assistance was not needed?

I can't wrap my head around the thought of saying to anyone " because you assisted with one child, you are obligated to do the same for all of my children. "

That attitude goes far beyond reasonable levels of entitlement.

My children's grandma is much more generous to my stepchildren that to mine. There's a 6-9 year age gap. She takes them shopping and buys them things even while my children are there. She calls them on their birthdays and sends Christmas gifts, but not to mine. My boys are still little - 1 and 3 - so they don't notice. She often finds my boys annoying and is snippy with them. I really have no idea why it’s happening as she certainly doesn't prefer my stepchildren's mom or have a relationship with her. I decided to just let it go and I'll help my boys deal with it when it becomes clear to them that they aren't treated the same. I can't do anything about what she does and can only help protect my children from it.

@Orcasmom oh I wouldn'thave that. That will really damage them if they see her treating them differently right to their faces and noone does anything about it. I'd have your DH speak to her about it, and I'd pull her up about it every single time, make a massive issue of it. If she carries on then dramatically reduce contact and make it clear why. My MIL hugely favours DSD but its a very different situation - we rarely see her, she has lots of issues and a shitty, miserable home life. MIL just handles it clumsily, if she was openly nicer to her or bought her presents in front of my kids and DSS while leaving them out, then I would not let that slide.

I’m usually all for equal treatment. However your DC is having what they need bought for them but your DH isn’t buying the same for his first child so his mum is instead therefore helping out the ex.
She wouldn’t have to do it if he paid for the trips or uniform.