Is this odd?

[Lackofsleep123]

My MIL has always bought my DSD’s school uniform (I just assumed she did the same with her other grandkids) and last year she paid for DSD’s school residential which was about £350 and wrote a cheque out for school photos but made no offer to pay for my DD’s (her grandchild, too) nursery photos.

I spoke to my SIL and it turns out my MIL has never paid for SIL’s kids uniform or residentials.

My DD is starting school this year and there has been no offer of any support with buying uniform but MIL has openly said a number of times how she’s going to be buying DSD’s uniform and school shoes.

Now, my partner isn’t struggling for money so can afford to buy his daughter’s uniform and pay for trips but MIL just always shoved the cheque book out for her.

I dunno, I just find it weird. I just want to know whether this is just normal?

Very weird behaviour. My MIL very clearly favours DSD above her other 4 grandkids as well but even she wouldn't be this blatant. I would have your partner decline her offer saying he doesnt want the children treated differently

It’s unusual in that it’s showing blatantly favouritism towards one child. Usually grandparents either try to be discrete or they try to be fair.

Perhaps she is just a favourite, I guess that’s her choice and she will have to accept the consequences of such blatant exclusion of the others when they are older.

My own DGP were like this towards me and my cousins, they were the favourites and we were always an afterthought, they treated my dad much the same in comparison to his siblings.
When I was old enough to realise the situation for what it was I went no contact, had nothing to do with them at all.

Why would I bother with people who aren’t that arsed about me?

So if she chooses to do this she may have to accept in time the other children and grandchildren take a dislike to her or avoid her.

What does your DP say about it? Does he not tell her it’s pretty unfair and unnecessary?

Dsd does not really benefit from this though. She would presumably get uniform and shoes anyway.
It's saving your household money. If it was gifts she was giving to one child but not another that would be different.

He hasn’t really said no to the offer of help with all of stuff I said above. He just humbly says thank you and accepts it.

When DSD and SIL son had their residentials, his mum spent £80 on some outdoor trousers for DSD.

There was a part of me that thought she was feeling sorry for DSD’s mum as money situation is different there. But my partner is very much in DSD’s life and we see her every week etc

It sounds like a way of still being involved with and supporting DSD after her son split from the mother? There could easily be a history as to why this was the right precedent to set.

It is weird, but the favoured daughter doesn’t really benefit as these are things that she would get anyway so don’t create a huge problem of unfairness within your family.
I would probably just humour her unless she starts giving uneven Christmas presents or something, but I’m not very sure. It seems unfair to MIL’s other children, but there may be more to it.

So, the actual mother (just guessing from what you've said) can't really afford these things. So the expense would then fall to the father (your DH) but instead the grandmother is picking up the bill?

She's actually saving you money. But there is a disparity if she doesn't pay for the same for the father's other child (your daughter), it's whether you view this as favouritism, or whether you view it as your family unit, and that of your SIL can cover the school item costs for a child, so grandmother doesn't feel she needs to step in.

If you went through a tough patch financially, do you think she would then pay for your daughter's school trip? It sounds like she probably would.

I get what you're saying. She's spending say, £500 a year on one grandchild, but not on any of her others. So, technically yes, the others are £500 "worse off". But if it's because she's trying to cover expenses, in place of the mother, I wouldn't get too het up about it. What about birthdays and Christmas? Are all the grandchildren's pressies in line with each other?

Is DSD aware they are from her? Does she make a big deal out of it?

Giving the benefit of the doubt, she might be operating under that old fashioned assumption that single mother = struggling, poor and in need of rescuing, and trying to compensate. I've encountered that a fair bit with the older generation.

However, if she tells DSD it's from her and it's treated like a present then I wouldn't like it and it would seem much more motivated by favouritism.

My MIL is like this with gifts, etc. Makes a big fuss of DSD milestones, etc but doesn’t do the same with DC as of yet.

My thoughts are:

1. MIL sees it as her duty to step into the maternal role when DSD is here. Despite the fact I do everything for her, I’ve never said she’s not my daughter, etc.

2. she’s trying to be involved in every aspect of DSD life (buys things for mums house too) as she’s not coping well with the separated parents situation. Doesn’t feel secure in her relationship with DSD.

Either way, if it happens again then I’m going to say something to DH about him having a word. Not sure how else to tackle it.

Perhaps this is the grandparents way of saying that regardless of the parents marital status they want both parents and the child to know that they are still very much a part of her life and family.

Maybe it is something that they decided to do for the first grand child. In any case it is a kind albeit unnecessary gesture and not worth creating friction within the family.

Had you partner felt offended he could have long ago refused to accept the assistance. Not many people would take the stance that assisting me with one child obligates you to provide the same assistance for all of my children. Some would just be grateful for whatever assistance and say thank you.

It sounds as if she was stepping in to prevent your DH from footing the entire bill if DD’s mum couldn’t afford to contribute.

Presumably your DH knows the background? If it was/is for the reason described above then I don’t think it’s unfair for her to do this for one grandchild.

@Tiredoftattler

Perhaps this is the grandparents way of saying that regardless of the parents marital status they want both parents and the child to know that they are still very much a part of her life and family.

Maybe it is something that they decided to do for the first grand child. In any case it is a kind albeit unnecessary gesture and not worth creating friction within the family.

Had you partner felt offended he could have long ago refused to accept the assistance. Not many people would take the stance that assisting me with one child obligates you to provide the same assistance for all of my children. Some would just be grateful for whatever assistance and say thank you.

Well actively deciding to do this for the first grandchild only, if that was the thinking, isn't all that kind and is likely to cause friction. It's obvious favouritism. I wouldn't blame a grandparent for starting out contributing a lot to their first grandchild and then finding they couldn't continue when there were more, but making a conscious, premeditated decision to do so, would be really weird.

Sorry but I think no matter what the reason it's terrible behaviour & I cannot stand it when grandparents behave in such a way.
My own dear mum treated all her grandkids EXACTLY the same no matter what their parents marital or financial circumstances were.
I think this behaviour not only causes resentment but also puts the favoured grandchild(ren) in an awful position as they get older.
If this woman is really worried about her grandchild's finances then she should discuss it with her son, but as op says, he has no financial difficulties & doesn't need the assistance, so to that end she is being really interfering & unfair.

Sounds to me like she just doing a kind thing where she thinks it’s needed most. Maybe she’s doing it to help out her ex dil rather than her son. It’s not weird, she probably just feels like she needs to do more for the grandchild that has had to go through the trauma of divorce than the ones who are lucky enough to live with both their parents. There’s no need to over think it, it makes no real difference because it’s not like it’s a treat for the child that is being denied to the others.

So is she just helping his ex? I think that's a nice thing to do, if so.

@aSofaNearYou
It was and is a kind gesture as they are not obligated to do it for any of the kids. Kids expect their school expenses to be paid and they rarely care who pays them. They do not view the payment as a gift regardless of the source be it parent, grandparents, aunt, uncle ,etc. They just expect that the adults in their life will manage such things.

If hard feelings result from this situation it will be created by the adults not by the children who under most circumstances would not give a flip who pays their school expenses. It is not as though grandma is buying a car or pony; she is simply assisting with the educational expenses of the one child . This is resulting a savings for the parents of the child.

Do you really think that the collective grandchildren will get together to discuss who and how their school expenses are paid? Do you really think that they will give this a thought?

Overcompensating for DSD having separated parents, like a GP version of Disney parenting? Not that buying uniform is Disney parenting just that maybe it's driven by some sort of misplaced guilt on MIL's part? Could she feel that DSD is disadvantaged by her parents not being together and she's trying to sort of even things up?

My brother's son plays the same high school sport that my father and brother played as high school students. My father asked to be allowed to pay all of the expenses associated with the sport.

My brother is quite capable of paying these expenses but recognized that it gave my dad pleasure to do this. He does not do this for any of the other grandchildren but absolutely no one, kids included expect or care that he does this .

None involved see this as any sort of obligation or favoritism and my brother would never ever think that doing this for his son has created some kind of obligation for my father to do this with or for any of his other children.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@aSofaNearYou
It was and is a kind gesture as they are not obligated to do it for any of the kids. Kids expect their school expenses to be paid and they rarely care who pays them. They do not view the payment as a gift regardless of the source be it parent, grandparents, aunt, uncle ,etc. They just expect that the adults in their life will manage such things.

If hard feelings result from this situation it will be created by the adults not by the children who under most circumstances would not give a flip who pays their school expenses. It is not as though grandma is buying a car or pony; she is simply assisting with the educational expenses of the one child . This is resulting a savings for the parents of the child.

Do you really think that the collective grandchildren will get together to discuss who and how their school expenses are paid? Do you really think that they will give this a thought?[/quote]
No they aren't obliged to pay for any of them, but to make the conscious, premeditated decision to only do so for one of them would be quite a strange, divisive decision.

As to the rest of your comment, I said similar in my own comment to OP - this is less of an issue if the kids aren't aware and it isn't being presented in an "isn't that nice of her" way to the kids.

I don't think it's a given that the kids won't know or care. My mum buys a lot for my toddler DD and she is quite aware of it, she will frequently say "my nana bought me this!" I do encourage gratitude from children so she's probably getting that from me saying things like "wasn't that kind of her", even if it's something practical like clothes. DSD might have no idea and no interest, but equally MIL could be drawing attention to it so that it IS viewed as a gift from her. It depends how it's been handled.

Perhaps it's her way of acknowledging that her dad "seeing her every week" is emotionally, financially, and time-wise, very different to being a full-time parent. Maybe this is her way of making sure DSD and her mother doesn't suffer too much due to that lack of support.

To even up the balance with the other GDCs.

Hmm this is an interesting one.
Is DSD's mum shit with money? In which case she might be trying to make it easier for DH to not have to worry about shouldering the whole cost of these things. Whereas the children you have have both parents able to contribute.

I can see why it feels unfair but it does mean your DH doesn't have to worry about funding these things and can spend that money on your DC's trips.

Maybe DH could ask her to be discreet about it if all the children are around. Unless she wants to come across as having a favourite. But if mum is sit with money and you aren't I think she's coming from a good place.

MIL is a lovely person and I don’t have any bad feelings about her. She’s generally great with all the grandkids and they all get the same sort of value spent at gifting times.

DSD knows that her grandmother pays for the things I mentioned. She’s there due to needing to try stuff on.

Part of me feels bad that it’s not equal with SIL’s household I guess.

Part of me feels bad that it’s not equal with SIL’s household I guess.

And your own DC, which I'm sure is a driver here.

Is SIL a single parent/seperated? If so then yes that's unfair but if she's got her child's dad with her it seems like MIL is just trying to make up for the lack of money from mum.