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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Downhill relations since our baby

56 replies

User233332 · 27/07/2021 17:42

Not with DSC but with their mother.

Has anyone had this?

She was generally very reasonable prior to us having our baby but since then it seems things have soured quite quickly.

She seems just quite hostile these days in comparison to how she used to be and very argumentative for what seems to just be the sake of it.

I won't go into specific details of situations but there have been scenarios recently where I'm really shocked at how unreasonable and just quite nasty she's being and don't understand why.

I had a suspicion that she found it quite hard that we were having a baby. We have some mutual friends and I saw that when our baby was born she'd posted a lot online about needing cheering up and support etc... Maybe it wasn't that but in case we both tried to be as sensitive as possible. Whilst I was pregnant she was the same, just normal polite and quite friendly as we've always been.

Except now baby is here it's like all civility has gone out of the window.

Is this normal? Do we just ignore it?

To field the questions I expect I'll be asked...

No I wasn't the OW.

Me, DH and ex have always gotten along well until now.

She has a long term partner that she lives with.

They split up a long time ago and I've never gotten the impression that she was bothered that he'd moved on (before this).

Baby is 7 months old.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2021 17:50

She's jealous and it's eating her alive, and I also suspect she feels threatened that her ranking in your husband's life has been usurped. She used to be the one who was the mother of his children, now she has to share that role and she doesn't like it. She may also feel that her children will now take a backseat to your baby.

It's a whole minefield of issues, really.

NoiwasntOW · 27/07/2021 17:56

She probably liked being the golden uterus in his life

her DP may not want any DC too, she might be sad about not having any more

Original poster
User233332 · 27/07/2021 17:59

It just seems such a shame when at a moment in DSCs life that we should probably be trying to make it as smooth and easy for them as possible, all this has suddenly started up making it tense for everyone.

I'm guessing it's best to just ignore and hope things return to normal?

OP posts:
myspicynutsarefried · 27/07/2021 18:01

Give it time op, I suspect it's not that unusual, obviously for whatever reason she and your Dh went their separate ways, but at some stage they must have loved each other, and although it clearly fizzled out, there are bound to be some emotions, even if she was the one who implemented the divorce, it's probably stirred up something.

Once things settle down, it will most likely be okay.

NoiwasntOW · 27/07/2021 18:02

I’d just be really civil and ignore her…her behaviour says more about her than it does about you.

myspicynutsarefried · 27/07/2021 18:02

And many Congratulations on your baby

Youseethethingis · 27/07/2021 18:07

It seems to be very common. My DHs ex moved past it pretty quickly, which I think was mostly because maintenance, contact and so on all stayed the same so DH "proved himself" again, but as time went on she probably couldn't escape the fact that her DD is utterly besotted with her DBro, my DS Grin so if she got shitty about his existence her child would be the one to lose out the most if her mother soured it for her.
Hopefully this too shall pass!

Original poster
User233332 · 27/07/2021 18:09

@myspicynutsarefried

Give it time op, I suspect it's not that unusual, obviously for whatever reason she and your Dh went their separate ways, but at some stage they must have loved each other, and although it clearly fizzled out, there are bound to be some emotions, even if she was the one who implemented the divorce, it's probably stirred up something.

Once things settle down, it will most likely be okay.

Thanks. I guess I just wasn't expecting such a strong reaction from her. We've actually been married for longer than they were together (they were never married) and everything had been so amicable up until now I'm just surprised.

Perhaps that's naive on my part though!

OP posts:
breakfasty · 27/07/2021 18:10

Congratulations!

She's just jealous as it has reduced her status somewhat as the only baby mother. It might also emotionally be a big sign that it is definitely over and he has moved on . Even if she had no desire to get back with him . It's like when an ex gets engaged it can make people feel a bit funny even though they are very much not wanting to get back with them.

candlelightsatdawn · 27/07/2021 19:26

I think this will pass. The change in status can be hard for anyone.

You never know maybe she wanted a sibling for SDC and couldn't have any because of new partner or experienced a loss and she's dealing with the jealousy and rage that comes from loss.

This isn't about you. Give grace. If she was always reasonable before, she's earnt a bit in storage. You never know what's going on her side of the fence that's impacting this.

Maybe speak to DH to reach out to her to check she's ok ?

breakfasty · 27/07/2021 19:38

Maybe speak to DH to reach out to her to check she's ok ? If he does this I wouldn't mention the baby.

cheesymarmite · 27/07/2021 22:15

I can imagine it's probably stirred up a lot of emotions for her. She may also want another child but not be able to have one in her current situation. Give her time to get used to it.

Nextchapterofmybook · 27/07/2021 22:33

She’s probably dealing with any upset from the DSC. plus in my experience, men are much better dads/ partners second time around, so it feels quite unfair that as the first wife you had to put up with all the shit and the second wife gets it much easier or a much better version of the same man

candlelightsatdawn · 28/07/2021 08:23

@breakfasty

Maybe speak to DH to reach out to her to check she's ok ? If he does this I wouldn't mention the baby.
Yer I wouldnt lead from a aggressive stand point or mention the baby

I would take the tact of "you guys used to be together, she's clearly struggling. Just ask her how's she's doing"

Sometimes reaching helps. Mental health is hard. Maybe you will find something out that puts mind to rest or gives you the ability to give grace

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 08:47

candlelightsatdawn yes good idea.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/07/2021 08:51

Why must it always be jealousy?

Maybe she’s dealing with the DCs emotions that dad now has a new child that gets him 24/7 and they don’t. Maybe she’s worried they will be pushed out as, from experience of friends often happens.

Roselilly36 · 28/07/2021 08:52

Jealousy pure and simple.

Original poster
User233332 · 28/07/2021 08:53

I will speak to him and see if he can ask her.

I just don't know how she'll react. She's been quite nasty to him recently when they are discussing the kids. Even calling him names and making fun of him sometimes.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 28/07/2021 08:56

Have you reduced maintenance?

Original poster
User233332 · 28/07/2021 08:58

@ineedaholidaynow

Have you reduced maintenance?
No.
OP posts:
AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 28/07/2021 09:03

Did the kids react badly to the pregnancy? Maybe it has affected them, and she’s been dealing with that? Although obviously it doesn’t excuse nasty behaviour

Original poster
User233332 · 28/07/2021 09:07

@AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet

Did the kids react badly to the pregnancy? Maybe it has affected them, and she’s been dealing with that? Although obviously it doesn’t excuse nasty behaviour
No they were actually really excited. My husband took them out and spoke to them alone as well without me there so they didn't feel any pressure and could be honest about their feelings but he said they genuinely were excited and they've been amazing since babe was born. One of them especially is always with baby, wanting cuddles and making them laugh etc.. they've been fantastic.

However, I know this doesn't necessarily guarantee they aren't saying something else to their Mum I know. But obviously we can only go off what they are like with and say to us.

I really don't think she'd react well to DH asking if everything was alright at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
User233332 · 28/07/2021 09:07

Baby was born**

OP posts:
Magda72 · 28/07/2021 09:10

I was the dm in this situation - as in I was the one who's exh went on to have more dc. And I can tell you that when dealing with upset from the dc the one thing you DON'T do is get hostile & nasty - that only makes life harder for the dc. What you DO is tackle the issue of the dc struggling with your ex - & his partner if needs be.
And even if you're struggling with loss at your end (as I was), you put your big girl pants on & get on with it. A new half sibling is a massive deal in a child's life & the child will only see it as a positive thing if all the grown ups seem happy about it.

This is not an 'occasion' when it gets to be about you - it's about easing your child through a major transition.
@User233332 I hope she cops on because you don't want or need that level of hostility moving forward.

vivainsomnia · 28/07/2021 10:13

Could it be that unconsciously, you and OH are yourself acting a bit different towards the kids, having different expectations, things that you are not picking up on but she is? It's normal to make some changes about our priorities, attention we give, plans we make after a baby is born, things that we take for granted because they are normal to us, but would not be seen as such to others.

This is not an accusation, only a possible explanation.