Downhill relations since our baby

[User233332]

Not with DSC but with their mother.

Has anyone had this?

She was generally very reasonable prior to us having our baby but since then it seems things have soured quite quickly.

She seems just quite hostile these days in comparison to how she used to be and very argumentative for what seems to just be the sake of it.

I won't go into specific details of situations but there have been scenarios recently where I'm really shocked at how unreasonable and just quite nasty she's being and don't understand why.

I had a suspicion that she found it quite hard that we were having a baby. We have some mutual friends and I saw that when our baby was born she'd posted a lot online about needing cheering up and support etc... Maybe it wasn't that but in case we both tried to be as sensitive as possible. Whilst I was pregnant she was the same, just normal polite and quite friendly as we've always been.

Except now baby is here it's like all civility has gone out of the window.

Is this normal? Do we just ignore it?

To field the questions I expect I'll be asked...

No I wasn't the OW.

Me, DH and ex have always gotten along well until now.

She has a long term partner that she lives with.

They split up a long time ago and I've never gotten the impression that she was bothered that he'd moved on (before this).

Baby is 7 months old.

Ahh maybe if the kids are excited and coming back to her home all full of tales of baby being cute it's a jealousy thing. Or just a weird feeling. Her kids have a new sibling and she has nothing to do with it. I can imagine that will feel a bit odd.

I'd just try and keep things as civil as you can and maybe it will settle down. She might get a new partner, that seemed to help my OH's ex.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Why must it always be jealousy?

Maybe she’s dealing with the DCs emotions that dad now has a new child that gets him 24/7 and they don’t. Maybe she’s worried they will be pushed out as, from experience of friends often happens.

Well yes I was including that under a sort of jealousy, but it could also be concern yes. I don't think jealous or concern are anything to be ashamed of. She just needs time to adapt hopefully.

Ahh maybe if the kids are excited and coming back to her home all full of tales of baby being cute it's a jealousy thing. Or just a weird feeling. Her kids have a new sibling and she has nothing to do with it. I can imagine that will feel a bit odd.

This was/is the situation in my case.

My DP's ex couldn't (and still can't cope) that she has nothing to with our child and has no right to have anything to do with her. Due to her previous poor behaviour we were both advised not to allow our child anywhere near her and so we haven't.

OP until she calms down do the same and also as newish mother stay away from her.

Yes my DSC's mum kept asking them to take pictures etc of LO and I found it so weird I had to tell them no.

I think it depends what she's doing as to whether it needs to be broached or not.

It must be hard to see your ex move on and have further children, especially if there are things in her own circumstances which mean she's not able to have any more (if she wants them). But tbh, I guess it is just hard anyway because it's just cementing your place as not number 1 anymore, even though that has been the case for many years! I guess every ex wants to be the one doing 'better' don't they.

BUT if she's doing things that are affecting your family or affecting her kids then it does need to be tackled directly and your DH needs to talk to her and tell her to stop. If it's just petty stuff like being rude to him or just being a general arsehole when they chat, then he should just stop engaging and only text when essential.

Could it be that something is happening in her life, work related, family related, religion or finance related, that has nothing at all to do with you, or your child?

As amicable as the relationship with your husband may have been or may still be, the ex may not feel compelled to share all that is happening in her life with the 2 of you. That however would not mean that you and others are not witnessing and feeling the effects of what may be happening in her life.

If any of your other friends had suddenly changed their behavior or attitude would you automatically assume the cause to be the birth of your child.

A reasonable thing to do, would be to have your husband ask if everything is ok because he has noticed what seems to be a change in her response to their normally agreeable parenting relationship.

A sibling is a big deal, I would find it really really strange if my daughter had a sibling I had no relation too. I remember my best friend, when we were teens and her mum had her half-sibling a few years after her dad had a baby with his new partner saying how strange she found it that she had a brother and sister who weren't at all related to each other.

It may be that there's something around that bubbling under the surface that she consciously knows is irrational but is fueling her getting annoyed about other things. Or that her partner doesn't want another child. Or that she's been ttc and is finding it hard. To be honest though, the reasons and whether they're justified or not don't matter because how its coming out clearly isn't ok and it doesn't help you deal with them.

I'd be tempted to try and give it a bit longer, or find amicable ways to deal with the situations that arise and see if you can kill her with kindness a bit. I don't know how you could raise it without the risk of inflaming the situation tbh, but it depends what she's doing - if its stroppy messages about situations that should be easy to resolve, that's easy enough to ignore, if its changing arrangements/ putting obstacles in the way of plans that's different.

I think all children struggle with jealousy when a sibling comes along.The fact they are a half sibling doesn't really get rid of that. They maybe showing this to the ex and DH hasn't seen it.

I think this is one of those situations if DH doesn't feel comfortable speaking to ex. Then leaving it alone until she wants to raise anything. It's a "not your circus not your monkeys" situation, and let DH battle it out. You cannot apologistically live your life sorry you had a child and it's upset the ex. This doesn't apply to SC so talk to DSC regularly and involve them as much as they want (with safety limitations obviously)

Only thing I would do it treat it like she's struggling with something really bad and handle with the care that comes with that. It's hard to do when you don't know what it is but assume the whatever will pass will pass and it probably will.

if its stroppy messages about situations that should be easy to resolve, that's easy enough to ignore, if its changing arrangements/ putting obstacles in the way of plans that's different

It's been bits of both. We've had a few occasions where there's been last minute refusals to let DH take them (he actually just turned up usual time and acted normally and she did let them go) and there's been stroppy messages as you say and some downright nasty ones too. She called him a r*tard recently and made fun of him being "stupid" which was particularly cruel as he does have some issues which she knows he is self conscious of. Its all just so childish.

I can hand on heart say that we haven't changed anything with the DSC. Obviously daily life here has changed slightly as it always does with a baby/ new sibling but there has been nothing like maintenance reduction, seeing them less, turning their room into a nursery etc. I fully appreciate that they may be saying something different to their Mum, maybe they've found it harder than they are letting on to us (they seem really happy when they are here) but I wish she'd just talk to him about it if that were the case.

I will let DH deal with it and not get involved myself, I had no plans to anyway it just seems a shame as we were all getting on okay.

PP mentioned she may settle down when she has a partner, she has a long term partner and is engaged and living with him as she has been for a number of years.

As others have said she’s feeling threatened. My DSS’ Mum makes goady comments about DSS being “pushed out” because of our subsequent children. In reality nothings changed in terms of contact etc, just her perspective.

PP mentioned she may settle down when she has a partner, she has a long term partner and is engaged and living with him as she has been for a number of years.

I always wonder how new partners cope with this....I'd be livid if my DP became obsessive and angry if his ex got married or had another child. How do you justify your excessive interest to your new partner?

I think all children struggle with jealousy when a sibling comes along.The fact they are a half sibling doesn't really get rid of that. They maybe showing this to the ex and DH hasn't seen it.

Even if they are secretly struggling, her behaviour is surely making it worse, not better. Like in the scenario OP described above where she said that he wouldn't be allowed to take the children as usual....what had she said to them about that? Luckily she did let him take them when he showed up, but would she have told them he just didn't show? Did she tell them he was too busy with his new baby to have them?

She needs to chat to her mates or family about her blues around her ex having a new baby, and leave her children out of it. It isn't fair.

@leakymcleakleak it is strange to you, but for some of us that's our norm. Plus if the adults, who are the various parents, act reasonably they get to meet the other children and in some cases a lot.

Could be her partner isn't setting a wedding date/doesn't want more kids and she's thinking what if she'd stayed with your husband? Who knows. But if it starts interfering with the children's relationship with their dad then he needs to ask whats going on.

A sibling is a big deal, I would find it really really strange if my daughter had a sibling I had no relation too. it might be strange and I can understand the kids feeling weird about it. To some extent the ex but the ex has had time to get used to being an ex and needs to get over it. If my ex didn't want to be an ex she shouldn't have got divorced.

@breakfasty

A sibling is a big deal, I would find it really really strange if my daughter had a sibling I had no relation too. it might be strange and I can understand the kids feeling weird about it. To some extent the ex but the ex has had time to get used to being an ex and needs to get over it. If my ex didn't want to be an ex she shouldn't have got divorced.

I agree.

Also I just don't really get it, once you've split up your child will have loads of people in their lives that are nothing to do with you, like their step-parent obvs or people who join/are born into their dad's family through the years.

A sibling isn't really any different to that, although I can appreciate it could feel strange that someone else has made your child a big sister if it's not an experience you've given them yourself.

I can see why some people are reluctant to believe it's jealousy / her own issues, and must be about the SDC's feelings... however, I've been in a situation where SDC were besotted with their sibling, while their DM would not mention or look at (!!) the baby on drop off etc.. she sold stuff that had been DP's and he wanted to use for our baby... refused to have SDC when I was giving birth, but then kicked off about them being like 1 hour late back to hers because they had gone to meet their sibling. Sometimes it IS about the ex's feelings, and that's normal enough, I'm sure. All blew over and fine now, OP, for what it's worth.

And if it is about her DC being upset then rather than cryptically act out about random stuff she should be actually helping her DC by telling their dad "hey heads up the kids are upset about / need X from you". What does it achieve to be rude and leave him guessing what the problem is or even who has a problem?

Personally, I can’t see it being about DC. If relations have been okay in the past then she surely wouldn’t have an issue having a quiet word with your husband just to let him know that DC are struggling a bit with the adjustment of a new sibling.

She might feel a bit pushed out…I know DH ex often does and attempts to either claw her way back in with his family or creates some form of drama. It must be weird her children being a part of this new family but it comes with the territory. It’s a reality she’s going to have to get used to.

I think there might be something in her new relationship not heading in the more kids direction too. A pang of sorrow/mourning that having babies is over for her.

Either way, I’d let it lie unless it starts to affect DC or your/DH relationship with them. Don’t give her the attention she’s potentially needing, you could end up creating a rod for your own back.

With your most recent update Op any sympathy I had for the ex or gentleness would probably have vanished if I was in your shoes. My books if you are privileged enough for someone to open up about their child sore spots you don't go using that when your sad/cross ex or not. Makes me really angry when people do that.

The babies here and all parties will have to adapt and crack on. If she's turning nasty, I would limit mine and DH (if he chooses) contact as much as you can.

It's so glaringly not your monkeys not your circus and I'm for one sorry this is happening. You sound like a considerate and kind person. Every family has there issues but you don't have to tolerate the things you have been subjected too.

I’ve come across this sort of behaviour before. My current cat was a rescue placing, due to an ex wife being angry when her ex DH had a baby with his new partner.
She obtained a court injunction to make the man get rid of his cat, claiming her DC were allergic to it -she had their visits cancelled until the cat was gone. They had never reacted to the cat before, and neither of them had asthma, but one of them had a small patch of eczema behind their knee!
The poor chap had to choose between his kids and his cat. Sad for all of them, including the cat, who took weeks to settle in with me. She is now happy being spoiled rotten, but I wish I could have explained to her why she had been uprooted.

I think it is quite normal for an ex to feel upset when their partner has a child with somebody else even if it isn't entirely logical. I think you should approach it with sympathy. I agree it will probably pass

Babdoc that's awful! I bet the kids loved the cat too.

@Viviennemary
*ex partner has a child with his now DP.

Sympathy would have gone out the window for my by now to be honest. It’s not like you’ve been rubbing it in her face.

I wouldn’t react though, just ignore her and rise above as best you can…

@Viviennemary
Sorry, I completely misread your post!
I thought you were referring to the ex thinking of her ex as “their DP” despite having not been together for years.

I metaphorically withdraw my post.

Hold on Re-read again and now I think my first post still stands.

“Ex to be upset when their partner has a child with someone else.”

He’s no longer the exes partner. And that “someone else” has been his partner for a long time.

There are so many things in life that can cause people to become stressed and respond differently than they might typically that it seems a bit of a stretch to assume that it has anything at all to do with your baby .

Do you know with certainty that she has not been demonstrating stress in her other activities and relationships?

It is just so simple to reach out and ask if anything related to your family situation or the parenting arrangement is troubling her as she seems a bit stressed lately.

Her response is likely to be more informative than endless guesses by internet strangers with no first hand experience with your particular relationship and past interactions.

Sometimes first time parents can tend to think that their offspring 's advent has significantly more impact on others than it actually does.