Downhill relations since our baby

[User233332]

Not with DSC but with their mother.

Has anyone had this?

She was generally very reasonable prior to us having our baby but since then it seems things have soured quite quickly.

She seems just quite hostile these days in comparison to how she used to be and very argumentative for what seems to just be the sake of it.

I won't go into specific details of situations but there have been scenarios recently where I'm really shocked at how unreasonable and just quite nasty she's being and don't understand why.

I had a suspicion that she found it quite hard that we were having a baby. We have some mutual friends and I saw that when our baby was born she'd posted a lot online about needing cheering up and support etc... Maybe it wasn't that but in case we both tried to be as sensitive as possible. Whilst I was pregnant she was the same, just normal polite and quite friendly as we've always been.

Except now baby is here it's like all civility has gone out of the window.

Is this normal? Do we just ignore it?

To field the questions I expect I'll be asked...

No I wasn't the OW.

Me, DH and ex have always gotten along well until now.

She has a long term partner that she lives with.

They split up a long time ago and I've never gotten the impression that she was bothered that he'd moved on (before this).

Baby is 7 months old.

@Tiredoftattler
Bit tight putting the blame on OP with that last comment.

Regardless of whatever is going on in the ex’s life, she shouldn’t be behaving the way she has.

Anyone who says parent time has not changed when a new baby comes into a house is kidding themselves.

Actual time may not, but the interactions in that time will have. Quiet baby trying to sleep, don't disturb the baby, Dad is looking after x or y right now just wait. It can be very subtle but to an already insecure child it can be massive.

I was more positive about the arrival of my DCS new siblings than I could have thought possible. Took them out to buy a little present from each of them, brought the ne w baby up in conversations, etc etc. It was hard work. I did more than their DF and his DP did - well they did not have them for an ON from her 20 weeks until the baby was born so not really difficult!!

Personally her pregnancy and the first 6 months post arrival were bloody hard. Lots of emotions from me - Ex left me just after a late miscarriage and that would have been the missing sex child. Realisation that I could not have any more and my DCS were unsettled. I was not jealous of my "position" - I have moved on and would not go back - but an intense sadness of everything that had gone before and the effect it had had and was going to have on my DCs.
They love their sibling and were enthusiastic when there - but coming home was a quiet reflective time, lots of hugs cuddles and quiet whispers of was I going to replace them. It was hard work and none of that would they convey to their father.

I resent the mental energy and emotion I had to expend to make my DCs feel happy and secure when this should have been done by DF and his DP.

Roll on a few years - said sibling now wanders round my house, knows where the sweets are and is very much part of my extended new family. ( My 2 and 3 DSCs and the bonus - ages from 6 to 17!)

@bogoffmda

That's a very moving account. Tips hat in your direction.

@NoiwasntOW

There was nothing in my statement blaming the OP. I do not think that anyone is necessarily "at fault.". Sometimes one situation in your life impacts your response and attitudes regarding all aspects of your life. If I am having a particular issue in my office, it may cause me to be short with the supermarket cashier, the people in my household, or even strangers on the street- not intentionally but at times there are carry over effects. No particular person may have done anything to me ,but worry or concern about a given situation can often impact responses to many other situations.

@User233332 Is it possible that your dh was far more supportive of you during your pregnancy and birth than he was with his ex?

If (not saying that he did) he treated her badly or didn’t help out or wasn’t very supportive during her pregnancies and birth she might be triggered by seeing him treating you better and being more supportive throughout your pregnancy and birth.

She might be having old grievances or trauma being stirred up

If your dh did treat her badly or refused to be supportive during her pregnancy and birth then it probably would help if he took responsibility for that and genuinely apologised.

The ex sounds horrendous calling your husband a ‘r*tard’!!!
Any sympathy towards her would vanish after those comments.