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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Still dont know why i feel bad about the ex.

57 replies

malificent7 · 22/07/2021 20:04

I get on well with dps ex and so does he. It makes for an easier life but I do get jealous. She does have a dp and 2 kids with him so i dont feel threatened in that way.
However a few times a year we go away with them, his dd and their other friends. Last time I went i felt a bit excluded...the friends are mutual friends of dp and ex. .dp didnt exclude me but friends did. I think they have a hard time accepting me as the 2nd wife.

I feel so anxious about going away with them all this weekend coming and wonder if I just need to get over it..i like the ex but i prefer not going away with them all. I can't compartmentalise like dp can.

OP posts:
Bridezillamaybe · 23/07/2021 19:30

Did you talk to him OP?

sassbott · 23/07/2021 19:32

Your DP has gone on a weekend break with his exw / kids etc without you?

sassbott · 23/07/2021 19:36

I get other couples are there. But he’s gone without you? How long have you been together? And how long as this ‘weekend trip’ set up been going?
It’s bonkers by the way! My exh and I get on. Perfectly amicable. At no point would i think anything like this is close to appropriate
A) for the children, I actually think it would be painful for them emotionally
B) the new partners. No new partner would actively volunteer for this.

At best I may do the odd child centred activity with the ex (like I did recently with one of our children’s school leaving dinners). It lasted two hours, and it was with the rest of the school year! This is ridiculous.

Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 19:38

Hes's a dick. I told him to go. Fed up with the sight of him tbh.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 19:48

I have beeb with him for 5 years, we are engaged and just bought a house together.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 19:48

Been*

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Pingued · 23/07/2021 19:55

I'm not sure it's healthy for the kids. They need to get used to boundaries.

Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 20:00

Even his 12 year old dd said he needs boundaries when she was 10 or so...poor kid.

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Pingued · 23/07/2021 20:04

He needs to listen to her then, it's not working for her and so there is no point doing it

Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 20:18

She confided in me...not him.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 20:20

But it was a vague comment...not related to any kind of situation...just that he needs boundaries in general.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 20:21

And sadly I didnt relay that info to him ( should have).

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thinkingaboutitall · 23/07/2021 20:25

This thread got weird quickly! You’ve fallen out with your partner now?

Realistically it’s probably hard for his ex to see you at these events too, let’s be honestly there’s likely to be mutual animosity. Her friends probably don’t like you either. Maybe it’s for the best for you as a couple to stop attending these get togethers? At the end of the day you shouldn’t be forced into these awkward situations

thinkingaboutitall · 23/07/2021 20:26

Sorry I forgot that you and the ex DO get along when I wrote that! Regardless though, if the friends are making you feel shit, just stop going

Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 20:33

I have..i get along with ex but i dont want to holiday with shitty mates etc.

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SandyY2K · 24/07/2021 14:15

Just tell him you don't feel comfortable going away with them.

Bridezillamaybe · 24/07/2021 15:39

@malificent7

But it was a vague comment...not related to any kind of situation...just that he needs boundaries in general.
That sounds like something she overheard and is repeating.
Bridezillamaybe · 24/07/2021 15:50

Oh I'm sorry you've had a falling out op. I guess he thought things were fine, you didn't, started this thread, tried to explain your feelings, he was exasperated thinking "where is this coming from?" and the conversation went badly.

Look this weekend is not the crux of the problem. Let it go and talk about it when he's back. It was probably short notice for a change of plan.

You're engaged, you have a house, you can decide together how you want your relationship to be.

You need to be his priority. That life he had is over, he can't have a different version of it and expect you to just join in. I'm speaking from tough experience here. I think my DP was delighted his relationship was over with his ex wife but wanted to keep the life, have me and her new partner join in on it all. The problem was I didn't want to be on the sideline of that. But it's a mindset shift for them.

Perhaps it would be easier if you removed the ex from the conversation initially. "These people are unfriendly to me. As a result of that I don't like them. That is a reasonable reaction. You should support me in not wanting to spend time with them. Holidaying with an ex is very unusual. I was prepared to give it a go and you should give me credit for that as most wouldn't. But it hasn't been enjoyable so I want us to make alternative holiday from now on."

Nothing about that is unreasonable. Holidays are by definition what you do with your downtime to enjoy yourself. That's both of you, not just him.

Original poster
malificent7 · 24/07/2021 19:24

Yes...im finding it hard to forgive his behsviour tbh....but I will chat him when he gets back.

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Bridezillamaybe · 25/07/2021 10:16

@malificent7

Yes...im finding it hard to forgive his behsviour tbh....but I will chat him when he gets back.
I understand. I hope you work it out. He's simply asking too much of you. You have tried this (his) fairly unorthodox approach. It is not working for you.
Original poster
malificent7 · 25/07/2021 11:40

Tbh we have chatted last night and agreed that it won't happen again. Him and his ex are quite " alternative" and I am to a certain degree but clearly not quite as " alternative."
Unfortunately I think that being alternative means no respect for anyones boundaries under the guise of " we are all cool with it man"
Backstory...his ex basically cheated on him with a mutual married friend. She has done a number on dp as not surprisingly the married woman whise man she stole went mad and called his ex a bitch among other things. Dp apoarently thought that that was extreme until I pointed out that this was perfectly normal for a woman whose "best friend" had stolen her dh and left her with a tiny baby.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 25/07/2021 11:42

Also his ex is now with nan she cheated with....2 kids with him. So everyone knows the backstory but i am apparently getting the rap for her frankly appauling behaviour.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 25/07/2021 11:44

Man*

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DoolallyLully · 25/07/2021 11:50

It all sounds stressful - too many blurred boundaries and people putting up with crap behaviour from each other. I don’t see how this is ‘best for the kids’.

All you can do is set your own boundaries out clearly and act of they aren’t respected. I’d be doing this pretty sharpish and very firmly before you get married and start a family with this guy.

Original poster
malificent7 · 25/07/2021 12:13

I got a load of lovely texts from him this morning promising change. We will see!

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