Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Still dont know why i feel bad about the ex.

57 replies

malificent7 · 22/07/2021 20:04

I get on well with dps ex and so does he. It makes for an easier life but I do get jealous. She does have a dp and 2 kids with him so i dont feel threatened in that way.
However a few times a year we go away with them, his dd and their other friends. Last time I went i felt a bit excluded...the friends are mutual friends of dp and ex. .dp didnt exclude me but friends did. I think they have a hard time accepting me as the 2nd wife.

I feel so anxious about going away with them all this weekend coming and wonder if I just need to get over it..i like the ex but i prefer not going away with them all. I can't compartmentalise like dp can.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 22/07/2021 20:11

Tbh I would feel bad about this purely because I wouldn't be comfortable with it. Going away with your partner's ex, their kids, and all of their slightly hostile mutual friends is a very tall order. Why would your DP think it was ok to expect this of you?

Pingued · 22/07/2021 20:13

I think it works for some people the being close to their exes still and it's a shame to make friends choose and it's nice to be all amicable but I know I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I don't think it's wrong I just think its a different style of parenting with an ex that I as a SM wouldn't be comfortable with.

Bridezillamaybe · 22/07/2021 21:18

Well it's very unusual and certainly would be brilliant if you were all so at ease that it worked but it's not strange that you find it hard. I would not like it. I've gone for dinner in the ex's house. She invited me and was fine but all the guests were frosty with me and exchanged looks. It was one evening and for the sake of the stepkids it was worth it but absolutely no way would I be having holidays with people who didn't make me feel included. I'd be telling DP you will go this time but that things will be changing going forward.

Magda72 · 22/07/2021 21:30

No, No & again No.
No matter how well you get on with an ex you still need certain boundaries - for everyone's sake inc. dc, gp's & yes, friends - and this is one large absence of boundary!
I'd hazard a guess that if you got down to brass tacks with the ex's dp he's probably just as uncomfortable with this as you are though he may never admit it.
How on earth your dp and his ex felt this was fair on either of their partners is beyond me.

PollyPepper · 22/07/2021 21:43

Bet the friends didn't make her DP feel excluded!

Yesitsbess · 22/07/2021 23:49

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I know everyone's situation is different, but I think I would rather jump into a live volcano than put myself through that stress.

And a few times a year‽ what? I wouldn't even go away with my own family that much! At my very best I could do that once a year, make it a day trip and then rejoice I had 12 more months of not doing that.

I don't think things like that are honestly good for the kids.

Original poster
malificent7 · 22/07/2021 23:57

They honestly think that they are doing the best thing for the kids....just why?!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 00:01

Last time I went one woman sat there with a face like a slapped arse and another handed me a spliff and when i refused gave me a doggy look. She also told me to stop talking about science!!

OP posts:
Yesitsbess · 23/07/2021 00:11

And you are going again because....?

I do get that if everyone seems to think it's great and you're worried about looking like a cow for not wanting to be made to feel uncomfortable several times a year then it may be a worry for you. But is it not less of a worry to say "I'm going to skip this one because I would rather perform a colonoscopy on myelf"? I'm a people pleaser myself so I can see why you've ended up here but you are now, officially, a boiling frog.

Time to say no thankyou. Doesn't mean you value your DSC any less, just means you're not going to be made to feel uncomfortable under the banner of "it's good for the kids to see everyone getting along!".

newomums · 23/07/2021 07:12

I mean I get on with DH ex like really get on and the family and friends are interlinked so pretty unusual set up but my god would I not be up for that. Few times a year that's a nope from me.

Thing is part of why it works with the ex is because me and her have our own bubbles and we get on and only attend things that are completely SC child centric together (if appropriate). A holiday does not fall into this camp. It really doesn't. A dinner barbecue maybe but me and her have this unwritten rule of you can duck out of anything if you feel uncomfortable.

I really can't stress enough you are not going mad. This won't end well - I suspect the ex is trying to be nice but I have to ask what's DH thoughts on it ?

I personally would start getting the plague around those times - cheerfully wave them off and stay in bed all day and enjoy the time off without them tbh

tinydancer88 · 23/07/2021 08:42

I wouldn't go. I'd much rather stay home and enjoy some peace & quiet.

Youseethethingis · 23/07/2021 09:03

Time to say no. Why would you put yourself through this again and again?
I'd not go and not be shy about telling my DP exactly why. They obviously aren't very good friends of his to behave this way, which makes a complete mockery of the whole excercise.

Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 09:17

Its not a long holiday ...just a weekend away.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 23/07/2021 09:18

Bet it feels bloody long Hmm

Magda72 · 23/07/2021 09:19

They honestly think that they are doing the best thing for the kids....just why?!
@malificent7 - trust me - they don't! They are TELLING themselves they are doing this for the dc but that's not what's going on here. They are suiting themselves & their friends in preserving what was once their norm. The only people getting anything out of this are the 'old crew' inc. your dp & his ex. This is classic we're no longer together but OUR unit was/is still the dominant, most important one. It's totally self serving behaviour & means no closure on their relationship.
Re the dc: virtually every counsellor/therapist/psychologist out there will tell you that the best thing for dc of separated parents is to have friendly parents with strong personal boundaries who can mutually support the dc in navigating 2 SEPARATE households.
I'd be putting a stop to this asap. Obviously you can't stop your dp from doing what he wants to do but in no way would I attend these holidays and to be honest if my dp insisted on keeping them up I'd be gone.

Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 09:21

Grin you are not wrong.
Trouble is thebone couple I really love organise it. They are older and so kind to all ...and its her birthday so I feel very torn. Trouble is noone sees the doggy looks that the other 2 women give me.

OP posts:
Magda72 · 23/07/2021 09:34

But again @malificent7 - this older couple may be lovely & be kind to all but their actions are actually very self serving. They are striving to maintain old friendships in a way that suits them and enables the others 'couples' inc. your dp & his ex. They are not looking at the new dynamics and striving to maintain those friendships in a different way. I'm sorry to be blunt but you and the ex's dp are just add ons to the original dynamic. You're not being seen as people in your own right; people who are equal to their partners.
Divorce can suck for extended families and friends but it's not their divorce to control & manage in a way that suits them!!!
At heart their behaviour is selfish & disrespectful.
I'm sorry but I think that whole dynamic that your dp is allowing to continue is extremely toxic.

Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 09:35

Also we have just bought a house together...it's beautiful...i love it but the move was so stressful. For some reason this hurts that we have to go and hang with the old bubble as this house represents a new start( dps words).

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 09:36

Its so tricky.

OP posts:
Bridezillamaybe · 23/07/2021 09:53

I am quite bothered by this thread as it's reminding me how I felt in the early days of our cohabiting. I felt like I was an add-on to their stage if that makes sense.

We went to counselling. It really helped. The counsellor told us we had to ringfence our own relationship and household. It worked. I'm his partner, equal standing to him. He's not 'keeping everyone happy' anymore. I'm his priority (along with his kids).

These friends /arrangements are not enhancing your relationship. They are putting a strain on it.

If I went this weekend i would go with an open mind and a sense of freedom in the decision I had made not to go again.

You've bought a house together, you've both said it's a fresh start, you are supposed to be building your lives together.

Wjevtvha · 23/07/2021 18:21

No way would I be spending time with DHs ex and try sir old joint friends; I think that’s far too much to expect of you and it’s obviously making them uncomfortable too. Next time just say no and that it doesn’t feel comfortable to you

Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 18:28

Hes gone on his jolly jaunt and im sitting here wirh a lovely prosecco in the market place in the sun...bliss.
Oh and he's a bit of a dick!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 18:29

With*

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 23/07/2021 18:33

@malificent7

Hes gone on his jolly jaunt and im sitting here wirh a lovely prosecco in the market place in the sun...bliss. Oh and he's a bit of a dick!
Oh dear OP, I hope you're ok! What has he done if you don't mind me asking?
Original poster
malificent7 · 23/07/2021 19:17

He's not done anything...just gone for the weeked away.grrrrrr.

OP posts: