I need to rant.

[Pingued]

Arranged a lovely trip for a meal out with DH's mum this weekend, first since end of covid restrictions, only to be told it's not fair we aren't bringing the DSC. It's not DH's weekend with them. I mean what is he supposed to do? Never see his mum without them but only see them half the time?!

Shared DC is available but no the whole thing is ruined if DSC can't come. Even though we can arrange something with them too! DH just wanted to take his mum out! He's torn between letting it go and telling her fine if the 3 of us aren't good enough she doesn't have to come.

Sorry.. just needed to get that out there!

She just wants to see her grandchildren? Remind her they have to see their mum sometimes, make a date with her that includes the grandchildren then say exactly what you said above - would love to spend some time, see you Saturday.

Forgot to say we are all due to see them in 3 weeks time anyway so we're thinking of booking something else in between them. But yes I need to be calm and breathe. It's just hard that instead of oh that will be lovely it turns into a complaint about how little she sees them now he is divorced. (They've been seperated nearly 10 years, so she's had a decade of not seeing them so much I guess.)

So is this the first time since lockdown that you have seen his parents?

TBH I can see where she’s coming from. While all this talk of “when can I hug my grandchildren” made me want to throw things at the tv, the truth is that many grandparents have missed their grandchildren incredibly. And children are constantly growing, whereas the adult children are, well, who they always were. Iyswim?

E.g. my eXH’s dc would have been 4 when the pandemic first hit, now he’s nearly 6. That’s a hell of a long time out of a child’s life for the adults to not see them.

I know she has seen him more recently, but I know there was a time when she didn’t, because they don’t live close.

Also, why does your MIL not see her grandchildren since the divorce? They’re your DH’s parents, so why isn’t he making more of an effort for the children to maintain a relationship with their grandparents?

While some mothers will make the effort for the kids to see the GP’s on the dad’s side (I did,) it’s not the mother’s responsibility, and I can see why his DP’s are sad if you e.g. are making more effort for your joint DC to have a relationship with them than his DC from a previous marriage, who are just as much their grandchildren.

This is the first meal out with DH since just before lockdown 2 I think. Can't remember which lockdown. But she has been round a lot and hugged everyone. DH just thought it would be nice to celebrate the 19th as it might feel the most 'normal' for her. And she has been jabbed. And his brother can come too.

She sees them once every 2 months minimum. DH gets EO Weekend and half school holidays and the odd extra evening here and there.

@AlternativePerspective stop laying it on the OP. It is her OH who should sort out all his children's relationship with his parents.

If she left him tomorrow that's what he would do.

Sorry should have responded in one post. We aren't making extra effort for her to see joint DC, it's just DH thought I know lets go out this weekend with MIL. And DC is here but DSC aren't. Are we meant to not do anything with her when it's just DC? Should we get my mum to babysit DC?!

It drives me crazy the idea that we can’t do stuff if DSD isn’t here or that it’s somehow unfair even though she could easily be out with her mum so it’s our joint DC who are expected not to do anything every other weekend

I think she'll get over it, it was an instant reaction on her part. Your husband needs to speak to her and outline the future plans which will include his child and tell her he just fancied taking her out.

Well he doesn’t really see them a lot if it’s only every other weekend, so can see why his mum thinks she doesn’t see a lot of them. Can she not organise some contact between the kids’ mum and herself, for example offer to have them one evening or something?

Also, a grandma seeing her grandchildren only 6 times a year really isn’t much, as you say it’s usually once every 2 months. However, as I said it would be good if she could arrange to see them herself, but this is dependent on what sort of setup/relationship there is.

Maybe the grandmother just thought that if the outing could be postponed for a week or so ( as it was an elective event,) then she could see all of her grandchildren together. How is that in anyway devaluing time with one or showing preference for one over the other?

Sometimes, it is possible to see offense where none is intended or to interpret things through the lens of the intent behind your actions.

I can imagine most grandparents would think the ideal situations to be those in which they could see all of their grandchildren. That is not always possible, but this seems to be a situation in which that could be easily arranged with a minor bit of readjustment.

Unfortunately/fortunately the ex wants nothing to do with her and has had to ask DH to get her to stop sending her a Christmas card each year. She caused DH a lot of emotional pain when she cheated on him so he's uncomfortable with her having direct contact.

@Tiredoftattler she's seeing them all in 3 weeks. Sorry I did forget to put that in my original post. So this is just a bonus one.

@Maggiesfarm

I think she'll get over it, it was an instant reaction on her part. Your husband needs to speak to her and outline the future plans which will include his child and tell her he just fancied taking her out.

Yes I think you're right and I think me and DH probably had a strong instant reaction too. It just gets me down a little that there's always disappointment if DSC aren't around. It makes sense but it would be good if she could try and look on the bright side!

It seems to be common for relatives to do this but I think it's quite rude to look a gift horse in the mouth with a criticism.

I also think it's pretty unsupportive towards her son. She knows he's divorced, she knows he doesn't see them all the time himself and that he's not withholding them from her maliciously.

@aSofaNearYou I think that is it. It's been 10 years but it still feels a bit to him like she thinks he should have stayed for the kids. He doesn't see them much himself so can't spend every time he has them with her. He needs 1-2-1 time with them too.

So your MIL complained? Does she expect you to postpone?

So to summarise:

• grandmother complains she doesn't see grandchildren enough
• grandmother then rejects chance to see child she could see more often as they actually live with her son
• grandmother doesn't see the stupidity of this

Ok then.

If this event was meant as a celebratory event for the grandmother, it would on some level make sense to try an honor her wishes to have all of her grandchildren present.

If it is just a random visit it is unlikely that she will turn you away at the door. If she is of advanced age, she might just prefer rationing her time with the kids and seeing them as a group.

So many things could contribute to her preferring to see them as a group and most of those things may have little to nothing to do with preferring one set of kids over the other.

If the kids all see grandma at the same time, no one loses out on anything. If grandma could spend more time with some than others, that is only a benefit to her if that is the way that she would want to allocate her time.

Why make negative assumptions about any of this. If the children all see grams at the same time, none of them will feel favored or left out.

Just as people parent differently, it is possible to have different grand parenting styles and practices.

Just take them along, if you can - easy enough. She's probably just missing them and was disappointed.

Oh yes. My DHs mum and sister used to always ask us to get the Other kids for every function they had regardless of schedule, don't get me wrong big events like birthdays etc were fine but even a few times they would message their mum and pre arrange with her to pick them up if they had no Plans and we would show up and boom 3 DSC are their and also now staying overnight with us! It really pissed me off and DH knew it.

Once we had our son they massively treated the SC like some damaged abandoned kids which just wasn't the case! They even tried to speak to their mum about 50/50 shared care behind our backs at one point, she messaged my DH to see what was happening about it and he was like 'there's no way I work 4/5 nights a week!' Why would the even suggest it knowing this, I got angry and replied 50/50 would work fine but they would be living with either granny or auntie any days in the week.

It actually does seem odd you invited her to dinner that weekend when you could have invited her for just 7 days later and had all the grandchildren attending. Would be entirely different if there were no other children so it was just an adult outing.