I need to rant.

[Pingued]

Arranged a lovely trip for a meal out with DH's mum this weekend, first since end of covid restrictions, only to be told it's not fair we aren't bringing the DSC. It's not DH's weekend with them. I mean what is he supposed to do? Never see his mum without them but only see them half the time?!

Don't you like your dsc, you seem to take issue with this for no real reason. I think she sounds wonderful that she wanted to include all her grandchildren and don't understand what problem you have she can't contact mum and has to go through her son. Every 2 months is nothing. So what if she cheated my ex cheated on me but I'm adult and have been with my dh 11 years if I need to communicate with ex inregards to ds I do.

@MeridianB

So your MIL complained? Does she expect you to postpone?

I think she expects DH to argue with his ex that he should be able to bring them. She's said somethinf like well why don't you ask? It's not fair I hardly see them. I don't think she gets how they are not friendly enough to be doing favours like that.

@Youseethethingis

So to summarise:

• grandmother complains she doesn't see grandchildren enough
• grandmother then rejects chance to see child she could see more often as they actually live with her son
• grandmother doesn't see the stupidity of this

Ok then.

Yes. Or if she does see it then she just seems upset that the other 2 can't come. I think now we've got over the initial complaining she might realise.

@Micemakingclothes thanks, it's good to get differing perspectives on this. It was just a sort of spontaneous idea on DH's part as his brother is also free this weekend but maybe he needs to think these things through more.

@Fullofglee

Don't you like your dsc, you seem to take issue with this for no real reason. I think she sounds wonderful that she wanted to include all her grandchildren and don't understand what problem you have she can't contact mum and has to go through her son. Every 2 months is nothing. So what if she cheated my ex cheated on me but I'm adult and have been with my dh 11 years if I need to communicate with ex inregards to ds I do.

The negativity gets to me because every time something is organised for a date that's not their weekend it is a shame. Or it's a shame its only the 3 of us. That phrasing in particular gets to me a bit, almost as if the 3 of us aren't worth bothering with. I shall try and rethink this as "I miss all my grandchildren though".

I'm not going into the 10+ history of my husbands' relationship with his ex but I assure you they have taken a while to be this civil and the boundary with his mum was requested by the ex and DH is comfortable with that.

As for don't you like your DSC? I'm not sure what that has to do with any of it but yes I, and my husband who is also upset about his mum's reaction, love them and they are very much part of our family. I am insulted that this is even in question.

mommabear2386 yes it was getting like that at one point but DH explained it to her. I get it, she wants to see them as much as possible. I mean DH wants to see them as much as possible.

Tiredoftattler yes they have an agreement that for special events etc or with enough notice they can swap weekends etc as it's in DSC's interest to attend these events. It doesn't extend to last minute oh shall we go out to a nice pub this weekend?

I see what you mean about maybe she just wants to see them all together to make best use of her time. But she is already seeing them all in a few weeks.

I think it's because this was a last minuteish idea to go and do something nice but it isn't good enough without the other GC there. But this thread has made me see it from her point of view a bit more so thank you.

Surely most grandparents would want an event with all their grandchildren there, it’s not hard to see why she’s upset. If he has them EOW it wouldn’t have been hard to book the meal when they were there. Maybe she thinks the weekend was chosen knowing they wouldn’t be there and could have easily been the week they were. That’s how I would feel personally.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Surely most grandparents would want an event with all their grandchildren there, it’s not hard to see why she’s upset. If he has them EOW it wouldn’t have been hard to book the meal when they were there. Maybe she thinks the weekend was chosen knowing they wouldn’t be there and could have easily been the week they were. That’s how I would feel personally.

It's nice to have all the grandkids there but not something to be indignant about if the parents can't organise it, especially when you know full well there is a contact arrangement going on.

She's seeing them in a "few weeks" which means she's basically rudely declaring she does not want to see the rest of them during that time unless the SC are there, even to receive a gift. This is very much in common with your general attitude on here so I'm not surprised you think it's fair enough, but honestly it is very rude.

Since when was a last minute (in Covid times at least) trip for a pub dinner "an event"?

@Pingued

Shared DC is available but no the whole thing is ruined if DSC can't come. Even though we can arrange something with them too! DH just wanted to take his mum out! He's torn between letting it go and telling her fine if the 3 of us aren't good enough she doesn't have to come.

YANBU. We have this as well. If SC are there then all is well. End of the world if they’re not (even though it could be their weekend with their mum and they’re busy doing stuff with her). I’m at the stage now where I get stuff planned in so we don’t have to see the in-laws unless all the children are present because the way MIL likes to make her point by going on and on about how not seeing SC displeases her, it wouldn’t take my 4 yr old long to realise and I’m not having my child ever made to feel that she is worth less than her half siblings.

I totally get where she's coming from. You've chosen to arrange a get together the weekend they are not there for something that could wait a week, so why not doing so so she can enjoy seeing all the grand children? It sounds almost like you planned it on purpose to be a weekend they are not there, maybe so she can give your child more undivided attention? Maybe that's how she is seeing it.

It's very different to going out to celebrate a birthday that happens to be a weekend the kids are not there, and indeed, you can't put everything on hold for them, but to pick a weekend they are not there to arrange a non specific event date is a bit strange. She misses and rightly looks forward to see all her grand children.

@vivainsomnia

I totally get where she's coming from. You've chosen to arrange a get together the weekend they are not there for something that could wait a week, so why not doing so so she can enjoy seeing all the grand children? It sounds almost like you planned it on purpose to be a weekend they are not there, maybe so she can give your child more undivided attention? Maybe that's how she is seeing it.

It's very different to going out to celebrate a birthday that happens to be a weekend the kids are not there, and indeed, you can't put everything on hold for them, but to pick a weekend they are not there to arrange a non specific event date is a bit strange. She misses and rightly looks forward to see all her grand children.

It's 3 weeks until she will be seeing the SC, according to OP. This mindset would be more understandable if it were every week but saying you don't want to see your son, and other grandkids for 3 weeks until the other, much less regularly available SC are available is just cutting your nose of to spite your face.

No, what's happening here is she's chosen to go with the lowest common denominator.
She doesn't see the eldest GC as much as she would like because circumstances means she can't.
She has actively chosen not to see her son or his other child as often, while complaining about not seeing the eldest.
My toddler behaves like this sometimes. Throws a toy away then shouts about it being on the floor.

It is difficult to navigate situations like this where children from different relationships are mixed.
If it was a woman meeting her mother, I bet she would bring all her kids from previous and current relationships.
It's very different dynamics for men with second and third families.

@tropicalwaterdiver

It is difficult to navigate situations like this where children from different relationships are mixed. If it was a woman meeting her mother, I bet she would bring all her kids from previous and current relationships. It's very different dynamics for men with second and third families.

Well not exactly - it's a different dynamic for NRP of either sex. Surely that's to be expected, since the children are simply not there all the time? Why do some people seem to think you should expect to not be welcome to see anyone unless all of your children, including the ones who are more than often not there, are present?

Tbh OP I wouldn't see her before your arranged meet up in 3 weeks if that's her attitude.

Why waste another day when she clearly only really wants to see your SD?

I also think it's pretty unsupportive towards her son. She knows he's divorced, she knows he doesn't see them all the time himself and that he's not withholding them from her maliciously.

I agree with this.

It can't be easy for OP's DH not to have his other child full-time, and now his own mother doesn't want to see him without her? Despite not seeing him for however long AND having a date with everyone together in 3 weeks' time.

My PILs absolutely love all of their grandchildren, and I have often taken issue with some things they do and their continued clinging on to my DP's ex, but there is NO WAY they would turn down an opportunity to see any of their grandchildren purely because the other isn't available.

I would understand if it was a long-distance meet-up and it would be the only one for a while so she'd prefer to only do it once with SD too, but this clearly isn't the case here since there are already more plans in place for 3 weeks' time.

I thin the question also is why won't they be there for 3 weeks and when were they last with their dad. Because I agree that waiting 3 weeks seems a bit ridiculous, but if they were there the weekend before, knowing that it would be another month before they were with dad again, why not arrange to go out the weekend before? Restaurants were already opened.

@vivainsomnia

I thin the question also is why won't they be there for 3 weeks and when were they last with their dad. Because I agree that waiting 3 weeks seems a bit ridiculous, but if they were there the weekend before, knowing that it would be another month before they were with dad again, why not arrange to go out the weekend before? Restaurants were already opened.

It could be something like they have/had plans on their most recent/next weekend with SD, and had some time to spare this coming weekend so thought it would be nice to see MIL.

My DP quite often makes plans for his time with my SCs to make the most of it, or sometimes just wants to spend the time with them playing games at home. It wouldn't always be possible to accommodate a nice meal out with their grandparents since they don't live round the corner. He wouldn't expect his parents to refuse to see us without them though, even if they hadn't been able to see them the last time he had them.

I'm sure it wasn't done maliciously as why would OP's DH purposely want to leave his own daughter out?

Also, don't forget summer holidays are coming into play now so it may be that DH has SD for a longer stretch in 3 weeks and that's why they've planned it this way.

It can't be easy for OP's DH not to have his other child full-time, and now his own mother doesn't want to see him without her? Despite not seeing him for however long AND having a date with everyone together in 3 weeks' time. yes it feels a bit like OH isn't a good enough reason. He just wanted to treat his mum. A spontaneousish meal out as DB can come too. I'm so torn as to maybe me and DC should sit it out just to make it easier. But it seems so unfair that my DC isn't enough to make her happy it has to be all of them.

It isn't an event. It was just OP thinking hey, DB is around lets go out with mum as a nice treat has it's been ages since they've just been out for a pub meal.

I have no idea what the right thing to do is and I wasn't really asking if we were being unreasonable or I'd put it in AIBU and be prepared to be told we're evil hahaha. But yes, maybe DH did make a mistake. Anyway. Very tempted to stay at home with DC and pretend we're too busy and we'll all see her in 3 weeks and DH can go.

@Bibidy

Also, don't forget summer holidays are coming into play now so it may be that DH has SD for a longer stretch in 3 weeks and that's why they've planned it this way.

Yes holiday arrangements so the EOW is getting a bit confusing. But we have lots of plans to see her over the holidays with all the kids and we were thinking various combinations but now are thinking that might cause more upset.

@Pingued

It can't be easy for OP's DH not to have his other child full-time, and now his own mother doesn't want to see him without her? Despite not seeing him for however long AND having a date with everyone together in 3 weeks' time. yes it feels a bit like OH isn't a good enough reason. He just wanted to treat his mum. A spontaneousish meal out as DB can come too. I'm so torn as to maybe me and DC should sit it out just to make it easier. But it seems so unfair that my DC isn't enough to make her happy it has to be all of them.

This is utterly ridiculous OP, I'm sorry they are behaving like that, i would be really upset if my MIL did that to us my our DC weren't enough. The parents of their first GC arent together and thats that. There will be many times where things will be done with and without SD. Madness.