I need to rant.

[Pingued]

Arranged a lovely trip for a meal out with DH's mum this weekend, first since end of covid restrictions, only to be told it's not fair we aren't bringing the DSC. It's not DH's weekend with them. I mean what is he supposed to do? Never see his mum without them but only see them half the time?!

Update.. MIL cancelled "weather is too bad".

Hey ho

How old is your dc op? Do they pick up on being second rate?
My mil sacrificed fatted calves for sil's dc.. Mine never ever ate more than a biscuit at il's house.. I backed away and took my dc with me..

Why would children who see their grandparents in a group ever think of that as being considered second rate. Perhaps rather than thinking one group or set is better or preferential to the other maybe the simply find it to be preferential to see them all together.

If grandmother is of advanced age and declines an outing because of the weather, they may have a limited threshold for the noise and activity that comes with younger children. They just may find it easier to do a one and done with the kids

Given the circumstances with mom, it might be sensible for your husband to visit his mom alone at times and then to bring all of his kids at another time.

Not all grandparents are anymore likely to function in the same way than do all parents. The children will only think that there is something amiss if the adults around them suggest that there is something wrong with them all seeing grandma together. If that is the norm with grandma, they will probably accept it as grandma's policy and practice and never give it any serious thought.

@Tiredoftattler

Why would children who see their grandparents in a group ever think of that as being considered second rate. Perhaps rather than thinking one group or set is better or preferential to the other maybe the simply find it to be preferential to see them all together.

If grandmother is of advanced age and declines an outing because of the weather, they may have a limited threshold for the noise and activity that comes with younger children. They just may find it easier to do a one and done with the kids

Given the circumstances with mom, it might be sensible for your husband to visit his mom alone at times and then to bring all of his kids at another time.

Not all grandparents are anymore likely to function in the same way than do all parents. The children will only think that there is something amiss if the adults around them suggest that there is something wrong with them all seeing grandma together. If that is the norm with grandma, they will probably accept it as grandma's policy and practice and never give it any serious thought.

1. She obviously doesn't have a low tolerance for kids generally or she wouldn't spend her time complaining about how little she sees some of them.
2. She can find it preferential all she wants but at certain times (like being invited out for a meal) it's just rude to declare that.
3. Equally the children will only think there is something wrong with NOT seeing the grandkids all together, because the grandma is suggesting it. Yes they could cover for her with "oh yes, grandmothers can only see you all together, all they'll implode" but it shouldn't be necessary. Her "policy" is pretty cold and unpleasant towards the younger kids. It's also cold and unpleasant towards her son, who hasn't been shielded from it as you are suggesting the kids could be

Is there any way you could have a chat with her about this?

Failing that, could DH fix some dates in advance for all so she has those to look forward to? I realise this is pandering to her and I don’t agree with her stance - and can imagine he won’t be asking her to an extra lunch again in a hurry - but it may address things if anything else is ‘a shame’.

Or…..send ALL the grandchildren to stay with her for a couple of days 😆

@MeridianB

Or…..send ALL the grandchildren to stay with her for a couple of days 😆

Hahaha!

Thanks for the latest comments. DC isn't old enough to pick up on it yet. Lots of food for thought. We're probably taking it to heart a bit too much and she maybe isn't thinking of the effect on DH and DC. I'll suggest he had a chat to try and get to what's going on for her.

She can find it preferential all she wants but at certain times (like being invited out for a meal) it's just rude to declare that. yes we did find it pretty rude tbh. And the weather has provided a convenient out I feel but I will try and give benefit of the doubt as there's obviously covid to think about too.

Rant away

If this is MIL complaining then she has no reason to. She's seeing dsc soon anyway and this is a meal out son mother and sons family on a weekend DSC aren't due for contact with him. It's a no brainier they can't come. She can complain all she wants but it's rather ungrateful

I tried speaking to mil about blatant favouritism..
She offered us 3 hours a week of time without sil's dc being there...
As in arrived at 3.30 to sil flouncing out mil's door...
Chatting certainly didn't work for us...

Eek! Hopefully it's nothing like that and she just wants to see them at the same time to be fair or something.

Tbh it does sound like your SDC don't have much contact with their paternal family.

You say they're part of your family but you only see them 5-6 days per month outside of school holidays.

Their grandmother only sees them about 6x per year (and this will have been significantly less over lockdown.)
I can understand why she's disappointed.

It's not a competition and not about your DC not being enough as you seem determined to interpret it. But simply sadness that all off her grandchildren aren't there for a family get together. Yes she'll see them in 3 weeks but she hasn't seen them prior to this lockdown - that's what? 5 months or so? It's a long time and I can understand she's sad about it. Its quite normal to miss absent family members during family get-together a

It's not an attack on you or your DC, and I'm surprised your DH doesn't miss his DC and empathise with her tbh.

@KidneyBeans

Tbh it does sound like your SDC don't have much contact with their paternal family.

You say they're part of your family but you only see them 5-6 days per month outside of school holidays.

Their grandmother only sees them about 6x per year (and this will have been significantly less over lockdown.)
I can understand why she's disappointed.

It's not a competition and not about your DC not being enough as you seem determined to interpret it. But simply sadness that all off her grandchildren aren't there for a family get together. Yes she'll see them in 3 weeks but she hasn't seen them prior to this lockdown - that's what? 5 months or so? It's a long time and I can understand she's sad about it. Its quite normal to miss absent family members during family get-together a

It's not an attack on you or your DC, and I'm surprised your DH doesn't miss his DC and empathise with her tbh.

But it is the fact that he probably does miss them that makes this insensitive. The reason she doesn't see them more often is because he is seperated and has a contact arrangement. Banging on about how disappointing that is for her is just somewhat heartless towards him, and pretty self absorbed.

Yes she'll see them in 3 weeks but she hasn't seen them prior to this lockdown - that's what? 5 months or so? no idea where you got 5 months from. She's been seeing them loads. Just not out in a pub!

and I'm surprised your DH doesn't miss his DC and empathise with her tbh what?! Of course he misses them when they aren't here! That's why he gets a bit annoyed every time she makes out it's a disappointment. He has had to adjust over the 10 years to them not always being around. If he spent every occasion they are not with him focusing on the fact they aren't there then he would never enjoy himself!

@aSofaNearYou thank you. Thats exactly it for DH from what he's said. She never thinks it must be hard for him!

I'm not 'determined' to interpret it that way. I have already picked up lots of handy advice that I might need to try and see it from her view a bit more.

[quote Pingued]@aSofaNearYou thank you. Thats exactly it for DH from what he's said. She never thinks it must be hard for him![/quote]
No problem. We've had this a bit with my DPs parents (though it was more to do with things like going to DPs ex's on Christmas Day to see DSS when DP had him on Boxing Day and had specifically asked them to hold off until then to help make it special for DSS, and other similar scenarios.) They don't realise how much hurt they caused him in the early days.

Getting divorced and seeing DSS so much less as a result has been a really hard experience for DP, and it would have been nice if his parents had thought to be sensitive and supportive about that, but some grandparents really seem to get their blinkers on and forget to consider how the situation feels for their own child.

Lots of grandparents don't see their grandkids more than every few weeks anyway, that's perfectly normal. My parents see my DD much less than that, though they dote on her, due to distance. However hard she thinks it is for her, it's much harder for the SCs actual parent who conventionally speaking ought to be seeing them every day.

I can see both sides tbh. Your MIL might be trying to avoid becoming closer to your shared dc than their siblings out of a sense of fairness (seeing your dc more would naturally lead to a closer relationship).

But this sucks for you and your DH who then can’t really see her as often.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here, blended families are just tricky by nature.

Yes I think there's two separate issues going on really. There's the what does MIL want to do, if she wants to see them all together when we go out then that's fine DH just needs to know.

Then there's 'could she try and be a bit more sensitive about it when she's disappointed DSC aren't here as it just makes DH feel worse'.

@Pingued

Yes she'll see them in 3 weeks but she hasn't seen them prior to this lockdown - that's what? 5 months or so? no idea where you got 5 months from. She's been seeing them loads. Just not out in a pub!

and I'm surprised your DH doesn't miss his DC and empathise with her tbh what?! Of course he misses them when they aren't here! That's why he gets a bit annoyed every time she makes out it's a disappointment. He has had to adjust over the 10 years to them not always being around. If he spent every occasion they are not with him focusing on the fact they aren't there then he would never enjoy himself!

Sorry - I misread the not going at since before lockdown as not seeing them.

I guess it's just different perspectives. I don't think a grandparent seeing their grandchildren once every 2 months is 'loads', (and neither does that grandparent it seems. But you do

If your DH misses his DC as you describe then surely he can understand why his mother feels the same way? Or is the problem just with her expressing how she feels?

Is there no way you could see the SDC more?

I think it's probably because he feels bad that he's in the situation where his mum can't see them as much as she'd like and there's nothing he can do about it.

No, no scope to see SDC more. Mum is already trying to cut it here and there and the eldest SDC is wanting to see her friends more etc so it's tricky enough as it is.

He does get the odd extra evenings with them but has to push to get these.

If your DH misses his DC as you describe then surely he can understand why his mother feels the same way? Or is the problem just with her expressing how she feels?
I think it absolutely is. She's expressing disappointment at not seeing one set of children at the same time as rejecting the opportunity to see the other child and her own son a bit more often. Which makes her look like a tone deaf dick.

@Youseethethingis yes. It's like she can see the 3 of us but the way she expresses it is like it's a disappointment it's not all of us rather than looking on the brightside that she gets to see 3 of us. A kind of glass half empty/half full situation i guess.