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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Living arrangements

88 replies

cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 17:30

Please help me figure out best way to move forward with this do! Apologies if its long.

DP has had DSS (14) full time for 3 years (before I'm asked DSS sees his mum sporadically- she moved away with her BF 3 years ago - DSS didn't want to move). Prior to this, DP was living with me and my 2 DS (19 & 15) with DSS staying most weekends.
DSS cannot easily get to / from school from my House so since DSS has been with DP, theyve been between here and DPs parents house (they can help him get to/from school when I cant). It's roughly 50/50 as DP works 4 early, 4 off, 4 late, 4 off. With notice I can be flexible in my work hours to help but I've always felt that a clear timetable was easier so (exceptions aside) everyone knew what was going on and where they were staying & when.
However, There has been ongoing issues with DP & DSS not organising themselves & resulting in situations like DSS realising at 9pm that he forgot his PE kit or DP not telling me that Friday is a half day so DSS needs picking up early. I've raised it with DP so many times and apparently it's not DSS fault as going between 2 houses isn't easy and it's not his fault cos he can't be expected to remember everything. Yet somehow I do remember everything!
I now feel that as its becoming a bigger issue and causing more arguments, from September DSS should stay at GPs all school week and be here weekends and school hols. However, DP doesn't want to move back in with his parents but doesn't want to send DSS off to stay with them 5 nights a week, esp on weeks where his late shifts falls on weekends as he'd hardly see him. I say DP needs to do what's best for DSS and, quite frankly, best for us because if I get asked at 8am one more time can I drop xyz off to DSS cos he left it here I will scream!
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Lena007 · 21/07/2021 09:31

I would sit DSS down and ask again if he is happy with the current set up, if it didn't bother him. I personally would push for changing the school, and if that's not an option, I would step back and let DP to deal with the mess and to drop off forgotten stuff for the next two years if that's what he wants. If this is to continue he needs to help DSS.

I do understand it must be a difficult situation for DSS, but, as @Magda72 mentioned, he was given too much choice and he was allowed to decide on these things when he was 11. I know circumstances change and there are things you wouldn't be able to foresee or control, but you have to adjust to these. So does DSS.

You have looked at taxis, how about public transport ( a bus or a train)? Are there any links there?

Magda72 · 21/07/2021 09:58

@cuppaandabiscuit I'm really not having a go at you. I really feel for you in all this as I know how hard it is when one person's situation dominates family life.
I'm not in the UK so I don't know the time scales regarding GCSE's etc.
If moving schools really isn't an option then personally I would suggest that dss stay with his gp's during the week, even without Dp. I would imagine that some of Dp's reluctance to do this is because he himself doesn't want two homes which I think is perfectly understandable. I don't see dss staying with his gps alone as shipping him off somewhere - they're his gp's. To me that's just like a boarding school option only nicer. Ok so dp wouldn't see that much of dss on weekends when he has shift work - well that's a consequence of not moving school, & also that's sometimes just life with teenagers!
I think those people saying dp move out and get a house near the school are being ridiculous. Why should you pay out extra money just to facilitate one child's choice of school?
Your dp has plenty of choices here but for some reason he seems to be struggling with all of them.
To me it sounds like his has an underlying anger at the situation his ex and the choice of school have left him in and he's taking that 'out on you' by expecting your help/for you to solve everything.
The only way either of you can 'force' dss to be organised is to step back & let him deal with the consequences of forgetting stuff. All that being said some people are just naturally disorganised. My ds2 was like this and NOTHING I did helped. He had to develop those skills in his own time, mainly through learning that if he forgot something he dealt with the consequences.

Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 21/07/2021 11:53

DP isn't a great one for planning and organising across life in general so to try to get him to understand the importance of his son developing those skills is lost on him!
We've got 6 weeks without this being an issue. DSS will still stay at GPs (or his Mums) throughout the holidays as and when he wants to but things will have to be different come September.

OP posts:
SciFiScream · 21/07/2021 12:01

OP - when you said you'd answered your own question, what was the answer? #nosey

Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 23/07/2021 16:07

That the only real options were DP sort his shit out or DSS (& DP) need to stay in one place during the school week, which will have to be DPs parents.

OP posts:
Guavafish · 24/07/2021 08:03

I think the solution is for your DP & DSS to stay at GP during the week day - I think this is the best option. Until he finished school.

Of taxi service and see if the school/council can help with paying some of the fees… esp if he is a single parent who works. I think they may help.

Pingued · 24/07/2021 08:23

@cuppaandabiscuit

That the only real options were DP sort his shit out or DSS (& DP) need to stay in one place during the school week, which will have to be DPs parents.
Yep this is what it comes down to. He needs to parent his child as if you weren't there and any help you offer is a bonus.
Pingued · 24/07/2021 08:25

Not sure why DP doesn't stay with his parents too.

Pingued · 24/07/2021 08:28

DP was living with me BEFORE DSS came to live with him/us full time Ahh I see, sorry.

If DSS is happy with the current arrangement then I'd carry on but reiterate you are not helping him with the organising etc of the school run.

Starseeking · 24/07/2021 11:30

@Magda72 has summarised the issue in a nutshell with this:

Your DP has plenty of choices here but for some reason he seems to be struggling with all of them.
To me it sounds like he had an underlying anger at the situation his ex and the choice of school have left him in and he's taking that 'out on you' by expecting your help/for you to solve everything.

The things that can't happen right now to resolve this situation:

  • all of you cannot move nearer to DSS school, as it's close to your DC school and life
  • DP cannot afford to live on his own with his DS, plus does not want him alone anyway
  • taxis are too expensive to be taking daily from your house when needed

Your DP may not like that he has to live with his parents during the school week, however he needs to accept that that has to be the case in order for him to support his DS in attending school. All the to-ing and fro-ing every 4 days due to your DP's shift work must be exhausting for them both, I'm not surprised they are forgetting things, particularly if they are disorganised people naturally.

I hope it all works out.

Fireflygal · 25/07/2021 18:27

I really feel for your dss. He is 14 and had 18months of school disruption, most kids are out of the routine. He needs help but his father isn't around to do it as works shifts. How is he doing at school? Is his lack of organisation an issue? What about a social life..assume his friends live closer to the school.

He also has to stay with grandparents (what space does he have?) which must feel like a third home. I couldn't manage the logistics of this life. He is a teen and they need stability.

Your sons are not a fair comparison as I assume they have 1 main home, a base.

His mum left and he had to move into your house. I think at that stage your dp should have found his own place.

If logistics are impacting your dss such that school is more of a challenge (and will only get worse) then your dp needs to priortise his son and do what is best for him, which seems like moving in weekly with grandparents. However I imagine dss will also want to stay in that area for weekends so he can meet friends.

Why doesn't your dp want to accept this?

Couldhavebeenme2 · 30/07/2021 14:43

@crochetandshit

I gave my own children 2 passes a term for their first year in high school. They could redeem these for me to drop in homework or kit and once they were used they took the natural consequences from school if they forgot stuff. Sounds like all dss's passes have been used up to me Smile
Exactly. You do have a DP problem, bit assuming DSS is about to start y10, he's approaching 15 years old and needs to learn how to manage his stuff. 2 passes a term maybe up to Christmas, then he takes on the school's consequences for lost/forgotten kit/homework/letters. A couple of detentions is going to sharpen his mind.

*we did 50/50 for years, 2 of everything, and we were the default picker-up-of-forgotten-things for years due to mother's refusal to support shit parenting eventually the message got through, big checklist in both houses and school timetables in the hallway.

JulesCobb · 30/07/2021 14:52

it's not his fault cos he can't be expected to remember everything
Your dp doesn't want the mental load of parenting, does he. It isnt hard to get reminders set up on phones or alexas etc. Sounds like he would rather wear you down so you do it.

And i honestly think teaching your child to be a competent adult is a huge part of parenting. Not teaching your child how to fend for themselves isnt great parenting.

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