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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Living arrangements

88 replies

cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 17:30

Please help me figure out best way to move forward with this do! Apologies if its long.

DP has had DSS (14) full time for 3 years (before I'm asked DSS sees his mum sporadically- she moved away with her BF 3 years ago - DSS didn't want to move). Prior to this, DP was living with me and my 2 DS (19 & 15) with DSS staying most weekends.
DSS cannot easily get to / from school from my House so since DSS has been with DP, theyve been between here and DPs parents house (they can help him get to/from school when I cant). It's roughly 50/50 as DP works 4 early, 4 off, 4 late, 4 off. With notice I can be flexible in my work hours to help but I've always felt that a clear timetable was easier so (exceptions aside) everyone knew what was going on and where they were staying & when.
However, There has been ongoing issues with DP & DSS not organising themselves & resulting in situations like DSS realising at 9pm that he forgot his PE kit or DP not telling me that Friday is a half day so DSS needs picking up early. I've raised it with DP so many times and apparently it's not DSS fault as going between 2 houses isn't easy and it's not his fault cos he can't be expected to remember everything. Yet somehow I do remember everything!
I now feel that as its becoming a bigger issue and causing more arguments, from September DSS should stay at GPs all school week and be here weekends and school hols. However, DP doesn't want to move back in with his parents but doesn't want to send DSS off to stay with them 5 nights a week, esp on weeks where his late shifts falls on weekends as he'd hardly see him. I say DP needs to do what's best for DSS and, quite frankly, best for us because if I get asked at 8am one more time can I drop xyz off to DSS cos he left it here I will scream!
Any suggestions?

OP posts:

wigjuice · 20/07/2021 18:25

Sounds like the poor lad is being thrown from pillar to post, where is his stability in all this, where is his security, his home? His parents have let him down badly! His mother can't be arsed and his father seems to be willing to handover all responsibility to his grandparents. How could you be with a man who does that to his child?

Original poster

cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 18:25

@Magda72

Sorry I don't understand this at all. Dss's dm moves away and dss doesn't want to go. Fair enough. She moves away 3 years ago when dss was 11 so presumably starting secondary school? This being the case why on earth did his parents put him in a school that was going to be inaccessible from his main residence?

He had already been offered a place at his school and, at that time, between DP and I we could get him there and back. DP even changed jobs to make it even easier, however due to Covid this job was then made redundant and he was put on shifts. Plus my work has changed so although I'm still pretty flexible, I'm not as available as I was. None of which we could forsee 3 years ago.

OP posts:

MotionActivatedDog · 20/07/2021 18:29

Almost afraid to ask because it’s probably the wrong question to ask but is your DP paying his and his sons fair share at your house and his parents’ house?

Original poster

cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 18:29

@wigjuice

His home is here, with DP. At the moment, he stays at gps max 4 nights a week, during term time, according to dps shifts.

OP posts:

wigjuice · 20/07/2021 18:32

@cuppaandabiscuit he shouldn't have to stay anywhere else, unless it's with his mother. It sounds like the lad is an inconvenience to his father, I really do feel for him.

MotionActivatedDog · 20/07/2021 18:34

Oh and I’m guessing “no” was the answer to “has he ever lived alone with his child?”

You mention DP doesn’t want to move back in with his parents so I’m guessing that’s where he lived before he saw a good thing coming moved in with you.

I’m getting vibes here.

wigjuice · 20/07/2021 18:34

Plus if he gets turfed out to his grandparents when his dads working, your home is definitely not his home, is it?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2021 18:41

4 nights is over half the week. If he was between separated parents the 4 nights home would have primary residence. It’s not “only” 4 nights, it’s a lot.

SciFiScream · 20/07/2021 18:41

If DSS only has 2 years left at school surely two things:

a) he's old enough to be responsible for all his things (maybe use the pass idea mentioned by a PP)

b) he's old enough to be left in his own while his Dad works shifts.

You say he's 14, when is he 15? My DS is 14 and I could leave him all day and he'd be fine. I also refuse to take forgotten things to school (unless it was my fault)

Time to give DSS some increased responsibilities.

On the times that DSS is alone and his Dad isn't keen, could family/friends call him on a rota to check in? Could his Dad even call from work when on a break/quiet moment?

Magda72 · 20/07/2021 18:42

@cuppaandabiscuit gotcha.
Is it beyond possibility that he move school? Especially if his permanent home is going to be with you guys?
It seems like the whole family is being upended for a decision made by his parents 3 years ago.

wigjuice · 20/07/2021 18:46

Does he have his own space in your home to keep himself organised?

LatentPhase · 20/07/2021 18:56

Irony alert

Sorry… but ‘It’s not my place to organise him or DSS and I won’t do it’

Yet you’re here, with the mental load of how to rid yourself of the mental load

Such is the ease with which we women do this, we don’t even realise we are doing it!

This is all a ‘he problem’

I say give it back!

SpaceshiptoMars · 20/07/2021 19:03

Taxi budget for DSS to run himself back and forth when he forgets stuff - with a % deducted from his pocket money?!

Original poster

cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 19:04

I'll try to answer everything:
DSS is at GPs MAX 4 days when DP is on shift Mon- thurs / Tues- Fri (its a 4 on/4 off arrangement) when DP is on shifts that cover weekends eg Weds - Sat/ Thurs- Sun DSS has choice to stay at GPs, go see his mum, come here. We do try to minimise to-ing and fro-ing so if DP working Fri - Mon ill juggle my work hours so DSS doesn't have to go back and forth.
We have partitioned one of the bedrooms so all 3 boys have their own room.
DSS has been offered to move schools but said no as all his friends are there.
DP was living with me BEFORE DSS came to live with him/us full time.
DP lived on his own for a time when he split with his ex.
Dp contributes fairly here - he offered GPs but they told him to put it into savings so we could buy a bigger place together which he does.

I agree DSS should have more responsibility but DP unfortunately thinks its easier to do it himself. He's the same with my kids so it's not just him favouring his own son. I get all kids to help with household jobs like emptying dishwasher, walking dog, tidying after dinner whereas DP says quicker and easier to do it himself - well they'd be able to do it quicker if they learnt!

My DP is a good dad but he doesn't always get it right. Do any of us?

Hope I've answered everything.

Think I've answered my own question now too.

OP posts:

Original poster

cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 19:06

@wigjuice

Plus if he gets turfed out to his grandparents when his dads working, your home is definitely not his home, is it?

He doesn't get turfed out. The options were he change school or stay at GPs when DP and I can't get him to school. He chose the latter. DP also stays over there at least half the time he's there so he's not shunting him off.

OP posts:

wigjuice · 20/07/2021 19:07

@Cuppaandabiscuit not sure about answering your own question, but you've certainly managed to excuse your dp in all this now.

MotionActivatedDog · 20/07/2021 19:08

I agree DSS should have more responsibility but DP unfortunately thinks its easier to do it himself.

Except he isn’t doing it himself- he’s expecting you to. Put it back on him. Make it Inconvenience him. He’ll soon decide that DSS needs to take responsibility for himself.

Whaddayahear · 20/07/2021 19:11

Why do you have to be the one rushing about with things DSS has forgotten?

Why can't DH or the Grandparents come get his stuff?

Notaroadrunner · 20/07/2021 19:21

You've told dp that you are not going to run around after dss. So just don't do it. Any calls, messages you just say I've told you I'm not doing it. Even if you are not busy and sitting down with a relaxing coffee, you don't do it. After a few times they'll stop asking and start taking more responsibility for making sure that dss has all the things he needs for his day. Your dp is not doing dss any favours by doing everything for him. I'd be telling him that he can sod off to his parents for good, never mind during the week, if he doesn't cop on and stop causing arguments over things he should be sorting for his son.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 20/07/2021 19:29

I agree with what everyone else has pretty much already said - why are you continuing to make this your problem. In all honesty, I'd be kicking them both out and removing yourself from the equation.

Original poster

cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 19:35

I don't do the running around. I haven't for some time. But no one is stepping up to take any responsibility (DP mainly) so I can't sit back much longer. I do actually feel sorry for DSS cos he's the one that suffers because his Dad doesnt organise himself and won't teach him how to organise himself.

So the arguments are because when DP is saying that DSS has the hump because he got in trouble cos his didn't have his reading book / maths set/ whatever or couldn't go play footie cos he didn't have his trainers I just remind DP that it's not my problem, it's his fault and that's why DSS has the hump with him and that he either does it all himself or teaches DSS how to do it. Which he doesn't like so says yeah yeah you've said it before and off we go again.
So my thing is if you want different results - do differently, hence why I suggested DSS & DP stay at GPs midweek term time so this wasn't such an issue. But DP thinks that's not workable and just wants to muddle along as we are for the next couple of years.

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 20/07/2021 19:37

And are you happy to live with the arguments this involves because your DP is not aware or caring enough of your environment to make sure you don't feel like this?

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 20/07/2021 19:38

He's 14 though OP. Has getting into trouble not taught him that he has to remember his shit?

I have a 14yo SS as well so I know what boys this age can be like. It took his dad stopping doing the running around when he forgot stuff for him to start remembering.

Riceball · 20/07/2021 19:45

We have a kind of similar arrangement only 50/50 with mum. We have been through many angst ridden evenings with dss in tears because he left his trainers/ book/ bus pass at his mums. We are trying to get dss to understand that he is responsible but it is hard at times for him to remember 3 days in advance what he will need.
Two things we do that work are:

only driving to pick up items that dss usually wouldn’t have to remember eg. Trainers that he needs every week would be no because he is responsible for remembering but food tech ingredients or extra kit for a sports event would be yes.
we rent a locker at school and everything that he possibly can keep there gets left in school. These things have helped massively.

wigjuice · 20/07/2021 19:46

How's about your dp keeping the lad in one place, teaching him to organise and do things for himself, not leaving you with all the responsibility and not letting his son grow up. Honestly dp it sounds like you argue over the whole scenario but let it slide and you dp does what he wants anyway. What answers are you looking for here?

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