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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Living arrangements

88 replies

cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 17:30

Please help me figure out best way to move forward with this do! Apologies if its long.

DP has had DSS (14) full time for 3 years (before I'm asked DSS sees his mum sporadically- she moved away with her BF 3 years ago - DSS didn't want to move). Prior to this, DP was living with me and my 2 DS (19 & 15) with DSS staying most weekends.
DSS cannot easily get to / from school from my House so since DSS has been with DP, theyve been between here and DPs parents house (they can help him get to/from school when I cant). It's roughly 50/50 as DP works 4 early, 4 off, 4 late, 4 off. With notice I can be flexible in my work hours to help but I've always felt that a clear timetable was easier so (exceptions aside) everyone knew what was going on and where they were staying & when.
However, There has been ongoing issues with DP & DSS not organising themselves & resulting in situations like DSS realising at 9pm that he forgot his PE kit or DP not telling me that Friday is a half day so DSS needs picking up early. I've raised it with DP so many times and apparently it's not DSS fault as going between 2 houses isn't easy and it's not his fault cos he can't be expected to remember everything. Yet somehow I do remember everything!
I now feel that as its becoming a bigger issue and causing more arguments, from September DSS should stay at GPs all school week and be here weekends and school hols. However, DP doesn't want to move back in with his parents but doesn't want to send DSS off to stay with them 5 nights a week, esp on weeks where his late shifts falls on weekends as he'd hardly see him. I say DP needs to do what's best for DSS and, quite frankly, best for us because if I get asked at 8am one more time can I drop xyz off to DSS cos he left it here I will scream!
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
StarryNight468 · 20/07/2021 17:34

Honestly I'd tell dp that's a him problem and not a you problem. I wouldn't take up the additional mental load for that, I also wouldn't be picking up or dropping anything off for a teenager.

Mumdiva99 · 20/07/2021 17:42

Dss needs a permanent home with his dad. That home should be somewhere he can get to school easily. All this pillar to post isn't fair on him.

So either you all move to a better location or you dp needs a home that works for him and his son....which may or may not be with GPS.

ilikeagoodsarnie · 20/07/2021 17:42

Is there any way he could move to a school nearer to where you and DP actually live?

Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 17:43

That's what's causing the arguments because I won't do it. When DSS leaves here I remind him to check he's got everything he needs for the next 4 days so as far as I'm concerned it's his or DPs problem.
Hence my 'sort yourselves out or stay elsewhere during the week' message to DP as I have enough on my plate without managing his and,DSS too

OP posts:
Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 17:45

DP works shifts and doesn't want DSS on his own late at night/early morning. It's not Pillar to post - it's 4 days at one home, 4 days at another. Plenty of children have to manage shared care but their parents need to organise it. Whereas my DP won't.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 20/07/2021 17:45

I don't think it's particularly fair on DSS that he's between houses that much. Must be quite disruptive on him.. I certainly would forget things if I was your dp... And I'm the queen of organised. As pp said perfectly, all move to a better location or your partner and dss need a permanent home.. Either that or buy double of everything to leave at your house and your dps.

Howshouldibehave · 20/07/2021 17:47

apparently it's not DSS fault

It’s not your fault either. I would refuse to take/drop his stuff any more. Either he does without, or your partner has to inconvenience himself and drop it off.

I would be quoting…

‘Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine’

Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 17:48

I can't move at the moment due to my DS schooling.
Hence why I've suggested DSS stay at GPS during the week and DP stay there with him. But DP doesn't want to do that.
Tried 2 of everything- just wound up with 2 pe kits here, 2 lots of trainers there, that sort of thing.

OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 20/07/2021 17:49

DP needs to get him and his child a proper home close to the school and stop making his parents and his partner responsible for his child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2021 17:53

‘Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine’

Indeed. He doesn’t take the trouble to remember because he thinks you’ll step in and cover for him when he doesn’t.

At 14 DSS is also plenty old enough to be taking more responsibility for his things and knowing when he’ll need them. If he forgets the right bag then he’ll have to go without it and maybe he’ll do better the next time.

I think your plan is fine. What’s his alternative? That you keep being impacted by his lack of planning and have to just put up with it?

Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 17:53

All those saying DP and his Son should live in their own home - Due to DPs shifts that's not possible at the moment. DP changed job to be more available then covid happened and he had to go back on shift. He's been looking elsewhere but the hours are all worse than he's got at the moment.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2021 17:54

What would he do if he was single and didn’t have healthy available accommodating parents? He’d make it work like all the other parents have to.

MotionActivatedDog · 20/07/2021 17:55

Of course they can live in their own home. He can still ask his parents to do early morning/evening care of DSS on the days he is working. He doesn’t have to actually live with his parents for that to happen. Has he ever lived alone with his child?

MotionActivatedDog · 20/07/2021 17:55

@AnneLovesGilbert

What would he do if he was single and didn’t have healthy available accommodating parents? He’d make it work like all the other parents have to.
Exactly.
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 20/07/2021 17:56

Presumably your DS aged 15 is at school near where you now live, and your DS aged 19 working or studying (or both) local to you, as well as you working where you now live, so telling you to move nearer DSS's school is unfair.

Tbh I think your DP needs to either move out and live nearer DSS'S school with his DS until he finishes his GCSEs, or see whether its realistic to move DSS to the same school as your DS. Simply because the older child is presumably going into an exam year and moving fewer people is less disruptive.

If school is the only stability DSS has and he's doing well there, settled and his school friends are a positive in his life then his dad moving nearer his school should be considered - just his dad and him though, for a couple of years.

Pebbledashery · 20/07/2021 17:56

@MotionActivatedDog

DP needs to get him and his child a proper home close to the school and stop making his parents and his partner responsible for his child.
Basically this.
Chasingsquirrels · 20/07/2021 17:58

Is this really your issue to figure out OP?

What you need to decide is whether you are prepared to keep facilitating your DP & DSS not bothering to organise themselves and therefore inconveniencing you as a result.

If you aren't, then how can you make sure they bother, or that if they don't bother it won't impact on you.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 20/07/2021 17:59

I agree he could presumably live near his parents rather than with them, if they're convenient for DSS's school. As others say a mother would be expected to make that work, not expect her boyfriend/ partner to sort everything out!

Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 18:05

This was my thinking - DSS is settled in school has 2 years left, my DS has one. So if DP and DSS stay at GPs during school week it'd only be for a couple of years!
(Or, to satisfy those that seem to think finding a new home and job is easy, especially with DSS school being in a very affluent area - if DP & DSS move to their own place)
He does parent his son, he is a good dad, he just has to leave at 4.30am some days and not get home til 11.30pm others and would rather not leave his son to fend for himself the whole time.
Is that really so bad?

OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 20/07/2021 18:08

Oh so you’re just going to be obtuse and misrepresent reasonable suggestions people make. Got it. Why bother posting? Confused

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2021 18:09

So what will you do if he says no thanks, he’s fine with the status quo and sod the consequences to you and your DC of his forgetfulness and refusal to organise himself and his son?

The last update was a bit defensive. People on here are supporting you, because they think you’re being reasonable, which is more than can be said for your partner.

You’re right. So stick to your guns.

Magda72 · 20/07/2021 18:15

Sorry I don't understand this at all.
Dss's dm moves away and dss doesn't want to go. Fair enough. She moves away 3 years ago when dss was 11 so presumably starting secondary school?
This being the case why on earth did his parents put him in a school that was going to be inaccessible from his main residence?

lunar1 · 20/07/2021 18:16

It sounds like the only option is he lives with his parents and DSS. He might not want to, but he sounds like he wants everyone else to sort out his problems for him. This would be the best of a not great situation for the time being.

Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 18:22

I get that in theory it's a reasonable suggestion but I'd already said it wasn't possible yet people continued to say that's what he needed to do and imply that he was a lazy dad who left all parenting up to others. So yes I got a bit defensive because he's not.
I know I'm right, in that it's not my place to organise him or DSS and I won't do it.
The options I've given him are things stay as they are but he sort himself and DSS out (or accept that I wont and stop getting the hump when I say no) or go during the school week. I was asking whether there is any other option (which moving into his own place at £1200 per month and having to work extra shifts to cover the bills thus leaving DSS on his own for longer isn't one) that I haven't considered or anything else that could help.

OP posts:
crochetandshit · 20/07/2021 18:23

I gave my own children 2 passes a term for their first year in high school. They could redeem these for me to drop in homework or kit and once they were used they took the natural consequences from school if they forgot stuff.
Sounds like all dss's passes have been used up to me Smile

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