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Original poster

Living arrangements

88 replies

cuppaandabiscuit · 20/07/2021 17:30

Please help me figure out best way to move forward with this do! Apologies if its long.

DP has had DSS (14) full time for 3 years (before I'm asked DSS sees his mum sporadically- she moved away with her BF 3 years ago - DSS didn't want to move). Prior to this, DP was living with me and my 2 DS (19 & 15) with DSS staying most weekends.
DSS cannot easily get to / from school from my House so since DSS has been with DP, theyve been between here and DPs parents house (they can help him get to/from school when I cant). It's roughly 50/50 as DP works 4 early, 4 off, 4 late, 4 off. With notice I can be flexible in my work hours to help but I've always felt that a clear timetable was easier so (exceptions aside) everyone knew what was going on and where they were staying & when.
However, There has been ongoing issues with DP & DSS not organising themselves & resulting in situations like DSS realising at 9pm that he forgot his PE kit or DP not telling me that Friday is a half day so DSS needs picking up early. I've raised it with DP so many times and apparently it's not DSS fault as going between 2 houses isn't easy and it's not his fault cos he can't be expected to remember everything. Yet somehow I do remember everything!
I now feel that as its becoming a bigger issue and causing more arguments, from September DSS should stay at GPs all school week and be here weekends and school hols. However, DP doesn't want to move back in with his parents but doesn't want to send DSS off to stay with them 5 nights a week, esp on weeks where his late shifts falls on weekends as he'd hardly see him. I say DP needs to do what's best for DSS and, quite frankly, best for us because if I get asked at 8am one more time can I drop xyz off to DSS cos he left it here I will scream!
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
SciFiScream · 20/07/2021 19:56

It takes teenagers time to pick up all the executive functioning skills (remembering things, planning ahead, being organised etc, etc) so I'd definitely cut your DSS some slack? But the DP needs to pull his socks up!

My DS is still learning all his skills, we have a shared calendar and reminders across our smart devices. We've taught him to set himself reminders, send himself emails or text messages, leave things in the same place all the time. We're still fighting the concept of time and how long it takes to get things done issue, but we'll get there.

Maybe your DP could read up on all the top tips for being organised (to learn himself!!!) and then share that with his DS?

SpaceshiptoMars · 20/07/2021 20:06

Needs a 'packing for grans' checklist, much like a holiday packing list. Print it out each week and tick what's needed.

SciFiScream · 20/07/2021 20:15

@SpaceshiptoMars

Needs a 'packing for grans' checklist, much like a holiday packing list. Print it out each week and tick what's needed.
Or a smartphone list that is shared with his Dad and ticked/unticked as needed.

We do this with holiday packing lists, going to the beach lists, etc, etc.

Shared with all 4 of us and we keep them running year to year, updating as needed.

wigjuice · 20/07/2021 20:18

I do love lists, I'd be absolutely useless without them.

BungleandGeorge · 20/07/2021 21:05

I think it’s a really big ask for children to live between 2 homes and always ensure they transport all the items they may need for the next 4 days. It’s much more difficult than living in one home and packing a big each morning.
How far away is the school? Could he live with you and get a taxi when needed?

bogoffmda · 20/07/2021 22:43

Op - not a criticism of you but you have to feel for this teenager.

Mum fecks off with BF, he lives art of the time with you and his DF, art of the time with his GP and I assume sees his Mum occasionally. Nowhere is home and he will be aware he causes problems.

Solutions difficult and I have no answers- but how to feel like an inconvenience in everyones lives.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/07/2021 00:24

The poor kid needs to live with his dad full time.

It sounds like you're making a big deal out of normal teenager stuff and just want rid? Confused

Justilou1 · 21/07/2021 00:45

I think it’s a DH problem. He isn’t teaching his son to take responsibility for his things or organise his own life. At 14 he should be accepting responsibility for forgetting his own gear. You have reminded him, he hasn’t checked, that’s all you should have to do. He’s not a baby.

Magda72 · 21/07/2021 01:10

The options were he change school or stay at GPs when DP and I can't get him to school. He chose the latter. DP also stays over there at least half the time he's there so he's not shunting him off.
Right - he was given options - again presumably at the age of 11. Personally I think this is where the mistake was made & where all the trouble springs from.
The option the 11 year old chose is working for no one. He's not able to organise himself after 3 years because he's a teen & maybe a disorganised person also. You are busy & have your own dc & I'd imagine your dp is pretty tired from shift work.
None of this is a criticism of you op - you sound great - but your dp is battling a situation that both he and his ds are finding hard to handle. It's easy for us here to say your dp needs to get it together & in theory he does. But, he's also managing a lot without help from the other parent and something has to give.
Your dss was given too much choice at age 11 & his choice is now dictating the lives of everyone else.
I am generally not a big fan of switching schools unless there's a good reason, but to me this is a good reason.

Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 21/07/2021 06:35

@Willyoujustbequiet

The poor kid needs to live with his dad full time.

It sounds like you're making a big deal out of normal teenager stuff and just want rid? Confused

He does live with his dad full time. He stays at GPs when DP is on shift. Most of the time DP will stay there with him.

It's not 'normal teenage stuff" - I have 2 teens and both of those have had to learn how to sort themselves out. I don't have an issue with DSS although I do think he shouldve started trying to organise himself by now but it's not my problem to resolve. I have an issue with DP not supporting his son to organise himself them complaining that DSS has the hump because XYZ has been forgotten.

OP posts:
Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 21/07/2021 06:53

@Magda72

The options were he change school or stay at GPs when DP and I can't get him to school. He chose the latter. DP also stays over there at least half the time he's there so he's not shunting him off. Right - he was given options - again presumably at the age of 11. Personally I think this is where the mistake was made & where all the trouble springs from. The option the 11 year old chose is working for no one. He's not able to organise himself after 3 years because he's a teen & maybe a disorganised person also. You are busy & have your own dc & I'd imagine your dp is pretty tired from shift work. None of this is a criticism of you op - you sound great - but your dp is battling a situation that both he and his ds are finding hard to handle. It's easy for us here to say your dp needs to get it together & in theory he does. But, he's also managing a lot without help from the other parent and something has to give. Your dss was given too much choice at age 11 & his choice is now dictating the lives of everyone else. I am generally not a big fan of switching schools unless there's a good reason, but to me this is a good reason.
Switching schools won't happen. He's chosen his GCSEs for next year so really not ideal to change.

So it's either:
DP & DSS accept they're disorganised and don't complain when stuff gets forgotten
DP & DSS accept they're disorganised and start to sort themselves out which I'm happy to help show them apps lists etc that I use
DSS stay in one place during school week which will have to be GPs because I can't get him to/from school (DP will stay with DSS - he's not Shipping him off somewhere)

Or are there any other options? (That don't involve DP getting his own place as he would still was DSS to stay with GPs on days he's on shift so that would be the same situation as now)

OP posts:
Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 21/07/2021 07:02

Can I just ask, what is the issue with DSS staying with GPs when DP has to work? No, it's not ideal, but it was unforseen and never intended to be a long term solution and if we could figure something else out we would but it is how it is at the moment.

If DP was a single mum I'm sure people wouldn't think badly of her for her parents helping out so she could work.

OP posts:
Rosiiiiie · 21/07/2021 07:02

So whatever happened to your idea of having a set of 2 for everything? 2 sports gears, 2 set of books… that seems like it could resolve a bit of the tension at least?

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 21/07/2021 07:13

@cuppaandabiscuit

Can I just ask, what is the issue with DSS staying with GPs when DP has to work? No, it's not ideal, but it was unforseen and never intended to be a long term solution and if we could figure something else out we would but it is how it is at the moment.

If DP was a single mum I'm sure people wouldn't think badly of her for her parents helping out so she could work.

I don’t think him staying with his grandparents is an issue at all. I frequently had to do it as a child. BUT I was able to go home in between. I didn’t need to plan for 4 days at a time. So if I had maths on Wednesday (for example) I’d have been able to pop home on Tuesday and get the things that I needed for it. I didn’t have to plan and remember everything on a Sunday. I know lots of people who wouldn’t be able to manage without family support. I don’t know anyone where the teenager is expected to stay there, regularly, for more than half a week at a time.

I always really feel for teenagers and children who live between 2 homes. The adults get to keep all their things in one place, but children are expected to pack up and remember everything that they need.

Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 21/07/2021 07:15

@Rosiiiiie

So whatever happened to your idea of having a set of 2 for everything? 2 sports gears, 2 set of books… that seems like it could resolve a bit of the tension at least?
It just wound up with 2 pe kits at GPs, or 2 books here etc. No idea how. It's like with clothes. DSS has 4 pairs of school trousers, 8 shirts yet somehow this week I've got 7 shirts here but only 1 pair of trousers - don't ask me how that happens.
OP posts:
Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 21/07/2021 07:20

I agree it's a lot for DSS to manage on his own hence why DP needs to support him to do it. I happily would have done in the past but don't feel it's my place to. I do try to help a little by saying things like 'don't forget to check if you need your pe kit/football boots/swimming gear' etc but I wouldn't feel it's my place to stand over him while he gets everything together.

OP posts:
Billandben444 · 21/07/2021 07:27

Oh so you’re just going to be obtuse and misrepresent reasonable suggestions people make. Got it. Why bother posting?
Mean and not true.
I can't see anything wrong with him staying at GP during school week and it can't be that hard for him to work out on a Sunday what he's going to need at school that week. So Dad won't see him as much - that's a sacrifice he'll need to make for his son to be settled with loving GP and have some stability. You go for it OP and ignore all the meanies on here - the hot weather has brought out some real crankies.

VeryBoredWithEverything · 21/07/2021 07:35

Sorry if I've missed this... is it not possible to arrange a taxi from your house to DSCs school and home again for the days you can't take him? That way you all get to live together in one place.

Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 21/07/2021 07:38

@VeryBoredWithEverything

Sorry if I've missed this... is it not possible to arrange a taxi from your house to DSCs school and home again for the days you can't take him? That way you all get to live together in one place.
Ive just checked as couple of people suggested this and taxi would be £20 each way.
OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 21/07/2021 07:40

Not at all mean and untrue. People suggested DP find himself and DSS a home that would be nearer to DSS school and remove OP from the situation regarding their disorganisation- which is what she wants. Perfectly reasonable suggestion. only after that does OP inform people he can’t afford his own house and somehow blaming posters for not knowing this Confused (obtuse) and imply people are suggesting it would be easy. (Misrepresentation) No one said it would be easy.

Or, to satisfy those that seem to think finding a new home and job is easy, especially with DSS school being in a very affluent area - if DP & DSS move to their own place)

gogohm · 21/07/2021 07:49

What does dss want? Does he like being at yours? If so can't he change schools now before he starts GCSEs in September if he's 14? The other answer is you live somewhere convenient for everyone.

violetbunny · 21/07/2021 07:51

Ignore the posters giving you a hard time. I think you know what the real issue is here, which is that your DP can't be bothered to organise himself, and isn't supporting DSS to organise himself.

I really think the only thing you can do is let them get on with it, and accept that this may still not motivate your DP to sort himself out. All you can do is distance yourself from it, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 21/07/2021 07:54

I had previously stated that DP living in his own place nearer DSS school wasn't an option.
I do apologise for the snappy comment however. You are right, the sarcasm was unnecessary.

OP posts:
Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 21/07/2021 07:59

That was a reply to MotionActivatedDog btw

OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 21/07/2021 08:53

Appreciate that @cuppaandabiscuit- I wasn’t having another go at you, I was just responding to someone who has accused me of lying.