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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Contraception for step daughter

87 replies

mommabear2386 · 06/07/2021 09:11

So this came up recently in a conversation with step daughter who is 15.5years.I have recently had my implant put in and she was asking about it etc then it got onto the pill. I happened to say (I didn't meant this at her in particular) that I think all girls should go on contraception as it prevents any little mishaps that are bound to happen.
For the record she's 100% not sexually active yet but it only takes that one night with the boy she falls for.. one of her friends has openly had 2 terminations so she's very aware of that option also but doesn't agree with it.

Anyway fast forward 2 weeks and she broaches it again and says her mum won't really talk about that kind of thing and it's to be discussed at 18 + she's now asking me to help her look into this but I'm not sure how to proceed?? My DH is very open abs they have a good relationship but understand my she doesn't really want him sorting this.
I've been clear I can't suggest anything that mum doesn't agree with because I don't have that right but I'm equally concerned now about being a step grandparent at 35!

OP posts:
Original poster
mommabear2386 · 06/07/2021 14:09

@aSofaNearYou to be honest no. I've been lucki and had no issues with mine but you guys are right there's a whole medical route that needs talking about first, hence why I would prefer mom to take the reigns but I think taking her to a clinic just for a chat may be the best option

OP posts:
parkerpop · 06/07/2021 14:11

Why are you now calling her the BM?

parkerpop · 06/07/2021 14:13

In my previous post I was supportive of you helping out btw but she's not the BM, she's just her mum.

Also, you says she'd be mortified talking to someone at a clinic about it on her own. If she's not mature enough to do that she's not mature enough to be on the pill IMO

aSofaNearYou · 06/07/2021 14:14

@parkerpop

Why are you now calling her the BM?
Probably because like the vast majority of other people who use it on this forum, she means no harm and had no idea people take that to be offensive 🙄
usernameXYZ · 06/07/2021 14:16

I was a step Nan at 25 so YES sort it out !!! Message her mum and ask would she be okay for you to be involved as she's asked for you and DH is great but not that great for a girl to confide in haha

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 06/07/2021 14:19

Also, you says she'd be mortified talking to someone at a clinic about it on her own. If she's not mature enough to do that she's not mature enough to be on the pill IMO

And she definitely isn't mature enough to be a parent, which is why birth control is a good idea.

motogogo · 06/07/2021 14:21

I think it's perfectly fine to answer her questions, many young women prefer to speak to someone who isn't their mum. At her age your role is to allow her to express herself and direct her to professionals eg gp rather than express an opinion on right or wrong. My dd went on bc at this age

motogogo · 06/07/2021 14:22

Ps most schools have a service which is non judgmental

aSofaNearYou · 06/07/2021 14:25

[quote mommabear2386]@aSofaNearYou to be honest no. I've been lucki and had no issues with mine but you guys are right there's a whole medical route that needs talking about first, hence why I would prefer mom to take the reigns but I think taking her to a clinic just for a chat may be the best option [/quote]
I understand that. The only reason I would be extra cautious there was because when I was a teenager, and I'm not sure how much has changed since then but it wasn't all that long ago, the side effects of hormonal contraception in terms if MH were just not mentioned at all. Medical professionals were keen to push teenagers down that route. From my perspective as someone that wasn't even sexually active for another several years, it was one of the worst mistakes of my life.

I would never encourage a teenage girl to take the pill without warning her that these side effects exist.

ConfusedandTiredandHadEnough · 06/07/2021 16:13

@aSofaNearYouSofa @Anotherhill I'd really appreciate hearing more about the pill and the link to depression.

DuchessDarty · 06/07/2021 16:18

I'm horrified by a lot of these responses and also by what you wrote OP. A lot of posters are using it to have a go at the mum and completely bypassing how this situation came about.

I don't think that if a SC comes to you for contraception advice it's overstepping exactly.

However, THIS, is hugely overstepping:

I happened to say (I didn't meant this at her in particular) that I think all girls should go on contraception as it prevents any little mishaps that are bound to happen.

You just "happened" to say it to a 15.5 year old teenage girl who is impressionable. You should be more careful about what you say. I vehemently disagree with this view because like other PP I've had serious detrimental consequences from the implant and the pill didn't agree with me either. There have been class action law suits about the implant and other types of hormonal contraception. Your SD isn't sexually active, there's no pay off at the moment for taking the risk. I also think it's a misogynistic view. I would be furious with you if I was her mother.

For the record she's 100% not sexually active yet but it only takes that one night with the boy she falls for.. one of her friends has openly had 2 terminations so she's very aware of that option also but doesn't agree with it.

It does only take that one night with the boy she falls for. But how about talking to her about the risks, making sure she's ready, making sure HE is prepared, talking about how it doesn't stop the risk of STDs?

I am vehemently against girls or women going on hormonal contraception unless there is a medical reason, e.g. periods. Your view is different to that, but your view is encouraging your SD to put herself at potential risk of side effects and potentially to minimise the need for focusing on all the different ways sex can not be a good idea, besides the risk of pregnancy.

Bridezillamaybe · 06/07/2021 16:31

Yes I'm with the duchess about hormonal contraception. It's not a small thing. You need to refer her either to her parents or a clinic (and let her parents know you've done so). You are not a parent.

Ozanj · 06/07/2021 16:35

I think you need to tell your DH. Ultimately she isn’t your child and as she’s under 16 her parents need to guide her with this type of stuff. It’s a shame her Mum isn’t willing to get her head out of the sand but you need to give your DH the opportunity to parent her.

DuchessDarty · 06/07/2021 16:39

btw, just checking you are in the UK, OP?

Because the age of sexual consent is 18 in some countries/US States. Which would be important context in terms of her mum refusing to discuss it until the girl is 18. (It would still be foolish for her mum to refuse to do this IMO, but understandable.)

funinthesun19 · 06/07/2021 16:46

I would be furious with you if I was her mother.

Hence my first comment about not wanting to get involved.
As a stepmum, you can advise her of the options available to her, but I wouldn’t push anything. I certainly wouldn’t. Happy to be told that’s yuck.

aSofaNearYou · 06/07/2021 16:47

[quote ConfusedandTiredandHadEnough]**@aSofaNearYouSofa* @Anotherhill* I'd really appreciate hearing more about the pill and the link to depression.[/quote]
I don't have any studies (sorry!), but if you google it you will see it is a very big thing, I believe it's the most commonly reported side effect of the contraceptive pill. But it certainly wasn't something I was aware of as a teen and it wasn't mentioned by the doctors I saw about the pill. I didn't even put two and two together until I spoke to my sister about it in my mid twenties and she had stopped taking it for this reason. After years of low mental health, I stopped taking it and noticed an immediate difference.

With mental health being talked about now I'd like to think teenagers might be more aware of it, but doctors are obviously keen to promote contraception so I would be careful to ensure that information came from the home. I really wouldn't promote using hormonal contraception to a teen who wasn't even sexually active.

Original poster
mommabear2386 · 06/07/2021 16:55

Yes we are UK, I've jumped in I think, so she knows all about safe sex, stis again her friendship group has openly discussed this, condoms etc. It's just contraception was never discuss because I think it was just assumed it wasn't needed due to her age but in the last 6/7 months she has grown up a huge amount and she's clearly thinking about pregnancy being a risk now also.

I did say the comment flippantly, of course I meant contraception should be checked first ans with a doctor but I do believe all teens girls should be protective again pregnancy if parents and them agree.

She's aware of the 18 legal age limit and I really hope she won't even consider it for a long time but in the group she's in I can just see it happening and that's not me discrediting her but teens are teens.

Dad is fully aware and up to date he's going to message her mum and bring up the idea and say we have been chewing it over since SD mentioned it and what are her thoughts moving forward

OP posts:
Original poster
mommabear2386 · 06/07/2021 16:58

I am fully aware I'm not her parent and to be honest I haven't ever been overly involved as I like to keep boundaries but I think that's is why she feels she can talk to me.

She brought up bullying last year to me and that got sorted once I spoke to DH and she finally told mum. So I don't want to turn my back on this due to the importance... I think I will tell her tomorrow that she needs to speak to mum again and mentioned I'm fully happy to support if needed / Wanted and if mums still not ok board I'll advise her to go to a clinic and I'll wait outside, maybe take a friend too

OP posts:
DuchessDarty · 06/07/2021 16:59

@funinthesun19

I would be furious with you if I was her mother.

Hence my first comment about not wanting to get involved.
As a stepmum, you can advise her of the options available to her, but I wouldn’t push anything. I certainly wouldn’t. Happy to be told that’s yuck.

Yes @funinthesun19 I saw that and agreed.

But to be clear, my anger would be about the advice and views being expressed by the OP, not that it came from a step mum.

I think the OP telling the SD that she thinks all girls should go on contraception is not putting the wellbeing of the SD first.

In all honesty, if I was the mother I would be less annoyed with the OP giving the SD condoms than by telling her that she thinks all girls should go on contraception to avoid "any little mishaps". Coy, misogynistic and ill-informed. Hell, I wouldn't even mind so much in comparison if the SM threw in a demonstration with a condom and a banana.

DuchessDarty · 06/07/2021 17:09

@mommabear2386

Yes we are UK, I've jumped in I think, so she knows all about safe sex, stis again her friendship group has openly discussed this, condoms etc. It's just contraception was never discuss because I think it was just assumed it wasn't needed due to her age but in the last 6/7 months she has grown up a huge amount and she's clearly thinking about pregnancy being a risk now also.

I did say the comment flippantly, of course I meant contraception should be checked first ans with a doctor but I do believe all teens girls should be protective again pregnancy if parents and them agree.

She's aware of the 18 legal age limit and I really hope she won't even consider it for a long time but in the group she's in I can just see it happening and that's not me discrediting her but teens are teens.

Dad is fully aware and up to date he's going to message her mum and bring up the idea and say we have been chewing it over since SD mentioned it and what are her thoughts moving forward

There's some odd things in this post (and in your first one). Provocative, even.

Condoms are contraception of course. Contraception isn't just something the girl or woman does.

Making a comment that all girls should go on contraception is not something that should ever be said "flippantly".

If you're in the UK, then the age of sexual consent is 16. So why are you saying "she's aware of the 18 legal age limit"? Hmm

I"ve reported this so MNHQ can check whether it's legit.

Blendiful · 06/07/2021 17:55

She won’t need parental consent for contraception. If I was you I would give her the details for the local clinic and suggest she visits with a friend to discuss. Tell DP that’s what you’ve done as she was asking and her mum won’t discuss.

If she’s asking she may be about to be sexually active or at least sensible for preparing.

I had my eldest at 16 and I knew all about contraception, but me and my mum didn’t really discuss it either. So I am all for any teens having it! As you say it prevents any mishap and they also know where to go for STI testing etc which is helpful too.

Maggiesfarm · 06/07/2021 17:56

mommabear: if you mean the age of consent, it is sixteen in the UK.

funinthesun19 · 06/07/2021 17:58

But to be clear, my anger would be about the advice and views being expressed by the OP, not that it came from a step mum.

Oh yes I know that. It’s the advice being given and/or any pushiness, and that could be from anyone.
If a young relative of mine came to me because their mum wasn’t helping her, then I wouldn’t want to get involved beyond telling her what options are out there. What the girl chooses to do next wouldn’t really be something I’d want to get involved with. If she’s old enough to be thinking about these things then she’s old enough to make her OWN decisions and go about them.

Maggiesfarm · 06/07/2021 18:00

[quote ConfusedandTiredandHadEnough]**@aSofaNearYouSofa* @Anotherhill* I'd really appreciate hearing more about the pill and the link to depression.[/quote]
This is a quote from Healthline but there are many articles on the internet if you google 'link between contraceptive pill and depression':

"A pilot study showed that depression is the most common reason women stop using birth control pills. It also found women using combination birth control pills were “significantly more depressed” than a similar group of women not taking the pill"

mynameisbrian · 06/07/2021 18:20

legal age limit is 16 (sex)in the UK. Have no idea why the OP is going on about 18 and hoping her step daughter doesnt think about it for a long time. When I have discussed virginity with mates most lost theres between 15- 18. So its naive not to discuss contraception, safe sex, STIs etc