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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Contraception for step daughter

87 replies

mommabear2386 · 06/07/2021 09:11

So this came up recently in a conversation with step daughter who is 15.5years.I have recently had my implant put in and she was asking about it etc then it got onto the pill. I happened to say (I didn't meant this at her in particular) that I think all girls should go on contraception as it prevents any little mishaps that are bound to happen.
For the record she's 100% not sexually active yet but it only takes that one night with the boy she falls for.. one of her friends has openly had 2 terminations so she's very aware of that option also but doesn't agree with it.

Anyway fast forward 2 weeks and she broaches it again and says her mum won't really talk about that kind of thing and it's to be discussed at 18 + she's now asking me to help her look into this but I'm not sure how to proceed?? My DH is very open abs they have a good relationship but understand my she doesn't really want him sorting this.
I've been clear I can't suggest anything that mum doesn't agree with because I don't have that right but I'm equally concerned now about being a step grandparent at 35!

OP posts:
Ilady · 06/07/2021 11:03

One of my friends got pregnant at 21 by a man she was seeing a few months. They broke up a few years later. When her daughters were 16 she bought them to the doctor to sort out contractception. She told me I want them to get A levels, go to college and get a good jobs and not end up on benefits like she did for a while.
I know a lady who is now dealing her 17 year old son and his 17 year old pregnant girlfriend. She is upset over this. Her son has moved into another relatives house. Meanwhile his girlfriend thinks she is great because she is pregnant and she has her man now. The couple have just left school, have no training, jobs or money. His parents are comfortably off. Meanwhile his mother has heard from several people that his girlfriend has had several boyfriends so the child might not even be her son's. It's a total mess to bring a baby into.
I would tell your step daughter where the nearest family planning clinic is and bring her if she wants someone with her. I hate to see her having a pregnancy at a young age because it will effect her life a lot.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 06/07/2021 11:09

I think that if her mother is negligent enough to refuse to talk to her about contraception/help her access contraception until she’s 18 then she could well hit the roof if you get too involved and she finds out.

I would explain to your stepdaughter that she can make her own appointment with the local sexual health clinic or GP (I would go to the former if you have access to one, SO much better from my experience) and talk to them about the options available to her. They will also make it clear to her that the pill or implant will not protect her from STIs which is something else to be mindful of as in my experience teens tend to be far more worried about pregnancy than about anything else.

If she really wanted you to go with her then you would have to rethink things, but it would make me think that if she’s not willing to make a doctors appointment on her own then she’s probably not mature enough to be having sex any time soon.

CelestialGalaxy · 06/07/2021 11:13

Really her dad should be taking this up with her mother as to what her approach is and what she expects from him, not opting out of awkward conversations just because it involves his daughter and sex.
I hope you mention condoms prevent more than pregnancy and morning after pill is available if something does happen and she is not on the pill...this would be my preference rather than constantly dosing a child with hormones, but that is just my opinion and I realise is not everyones.

Twinkie01 · 06/07/2021 11:15

Oh FGS, you're being a lovely step mum. Help her all you can, her mum is being short sited thinking she can just shrug this off and hope she doesn't fall pregnant accidentally before 18.

StarryNight468 · 06/07/2021 11:20

The MAP only works before ovulation. It really isn't something to be relied on. The best method for accidental sex without protection is the coil. I wouldn't want my dd to have to go through that pain, plus they can't always fit it.

newomums · 06/07/2021 11:34

Weird responses people saying it's not your place.

I had a chat about conception with my god daughter (family are extremely religious) and it turns out DD is not and wants some support and to be safe.

I dont see why SD should have to suffer at the face of her parent going lalalala my kids not having sex until 18 😂.

She shouldn't have to go alone but it should be a choice her choice - (as choice is something everyone should have informed decision).

It's like SP bongo your overstepping, your understepping egh

She asked you because clearly she trusts you and wants to make a informed choice.

aSofaNearYou · 06/07/2021 11:47

My issue with this isn't whether it is your place or not. When I was 16ish and not sexually active I went on the pill because of this sort of discussion naturally coming up and it being seen as a sensible precaution. Nobody told me it would cause me years of depression that pretty much destroyed my late teens and early twenties, I wasn't even aware that was a possible outcome. The doctors I saw did not discuss it with me, probably because they are more concerned about preventing teenage pregnancies than talking openly about women's mental health. I've yet to find a form of contraception besides condoms that doesn't either cause me poor MH, or horrific cramps. I would not recommend going on the pill to anyone who was not sexually active or planning to be, without at least warning them of my experience. If there is no reason to think she might be sexually active soon I really wouldn't push this.

FindingMeno · 06/07/2021 11:52

You have to share this with your dh.
Whether with her knowledge, or if you feel you are going to want to take action, without.
This is not your decision although I fully respect the good intentions behind it, and the awkward position it puts you in.
How absolutely lovely that she can talk to you.
You must be a great stepmum!

FinallyHere · 06/07/2021 12:06

Thank you for taking an interest.

Would your DSD be happy making contact with a sexual health clinic herself? That's a good start for any young person, point them towards the local sexual health clinic

Best possible place to get really good advice.

Pinot4evs · 06/07/2021 12:17

She’s asked for help, you should help her. No teenage girl wants to speak to her dad about her being sexually active and it sounds like the mother is in denial! It’s nice she’s approached you, shows she trusts you.

Puppysharness · 06/07/2021 12:23

Sounds like she’s reaching out for help she’s not getting from her mum. I’d ask her dad to speak to her mum about it and explain that she’s been asking these questions. She needs support, I’d try to find a way to provide that respectfully rather than not getting involved.

Anotherhill · 06/07/2021 12:26

I think it’s a bit overkill to put a girl on the pill when she’s not sexually active. It’s not as though it never has side effects, and maybe she’ll be less bothered about using condoms etc if she thinks she can’t get pregnant. I’d be horrified if I was her mum that you’d told her that going on the pill was the best thing to do. And as for the occasional ‘getting carried away’ - help her deal with that when it happens.

Anotherhill · 06/07/2021 12:27

I say that as someone else who suffered from bad depression brought on by the pill.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 06/07/2021 12:28

Do you know her family history? I hadn't realised there was heart disease in my family. Mixed with my migraine I was told in mid 20's no Dr should have ever given me the Pill as I was susceptible to having a stroke!! Shock
Never took it again.
Your dh needs to take her.... His responsibility imo.

Maggiesfarm · 06/07/2021 13:06

mommabear: I happened to say (I didn't meant this at her in particular) that I think all girls should go on contraception as it prevents any little mishaps that are bound to happen.
..........

Boys don't fill their bodies with synthetic hormones for years to prevent unwanted pregnancies.

In the not so old days people would say it was a woman's responsibility to be careful as she is the one who would bear a child.

I thought we had got past that sort of thinking.

parkerpop · 06/07/2021 13:43

Such a tricky subject....

Usually I'd say you were crossing the SM boundary if her mum is around. However, the mum's attitude isn't exactly helpful! If you get involved and the mum finds out she'll likely go ballistic.....

I agree her getting pregnant would be worse but my worry is if we're relying on young girls going on the pill to prevent pregnancies when not in a long term relationship what are we teaching them about safe sec and STDs??

funinthesun19 · 06/07/2021 13:45

Jesus! You are talking about a young girl asking an adult woman for help and advice and your only persepctive is on obligation! Just yuck!

Yes I do realise my comment was a bit harsh. If I was in OP’s position I would at least give her some advice if she turned to me.
And yes if someone became a step grandma prematurely I would advise that person to tread with caution, especially she has her own young children of her own to be thinking of. If that’s “yuck” to you then so be it.

I think the mum is bang out of order for not helping/advising her own daughter. She turned to her mum in the first place.

funinthesun19 · 06/07/2021 13:45

*especially IF she has her own young children to be thinking of

sillysmiles · 06/07/2021 13:51

Have you worked out what exactly she is looking for? Just someone to talk to? Or does she want you to take her to the GP?

The idea that another person (SD mum's) gets to control what conversations she has with you is ludicrous. Does she control the conversations her daughter has with any other adult or it is just because you are a step mum?

I would keep your husband in the loop though.

Original poster
mommabear2386 · 06/07/2021 14:00

It's hard because I would happily go but it doesn't feel like my place, ie I don't want to take responsibility if any thing goes wrong I mean you never know... her mum I think just has a lot on and happily accepts the 'I'm not sexually active' line which I know she isn't but neither was I until one night I was! Does that make sense?

I don't want her caught out. DH is supportive of the contraception idea they have good fun relationship but she's the one feeling too odd to talk to him about it hence she's coming to me ( I am filling him in on it all)

I'm tempted to ask him to contact BM and say they need to talk about it between them because she's at that age etc....

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 06/07/2021 14:03

It's been a bit brushed off on this thread, but have you talked to her about the negatives to hormonal contraception, OP? Since you have actively made the statement that teenage girls should take it, I think it would be remiss not to mention the other side.

Original poster
mommabear2386 · 06/07/2021 14:04

I'm very happy to help I just don't want it to blow up or damage their relationship, me and BM have never had as much as a conversation in almost 7 years so there is zero relationship there.

Dh and Mum have a Rocky basically zero contact now the kids are older but I do feel as she's there only girl this is important.l and it should be them talking, I think I'll allow a bit more time as I said it's non urgent right this minute but let her know I'm happy to help her arrange if she would like me too it's a grown up thing she's thinking about and we should all be proud really

OP posts:
Original poster
mommabear2386 · 06/07/2021 14:05

For those asking if she would go alone to a clinic... no unfortunately she would be mortified alone x

OP posts:
Saidtoomuch · 06/07/2021 14:06

She has come to you and there is no reason for you not to help her out. I would mention it to her dad though, don't give details if she doesn't want you to, but tell him she has approached you.
I told my young teens that if they every felt they needed to, they could ask one of their aunties to take them to the doctor. I would hope they would come to me first, but I needed them to know they can be responsible for their own bodies. I think its good that you are her trusted person.

Original poster
mommabear2386 · 06/07/2021 14:07

I do also understand my comment may of came across sexist, believe me the 18 SS gets the sex talk from dad and they are pretty straight with protecting them selves and the outcome (he's not sexually actively either right now I don't think)

But it's important for both genders of kids! But I've got to say the girls are the ones left to pick up the pieces in 90% of the time so I'm all for teach your boys and you won't have to worry about your girls but it's best to cover both bases x

OP posts: