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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Contraception for step daughter

87 replies

mommabear2386 · 06/07/2021 09:11

So this came up recently in a conversation with step daughter who is 15.5years.I have recently had my implant put in and she was asking about it etc then it got onto the pill. I happened to say (I didn't meant this at her in particular) that I think all girls should go on contraception as it prevents any little mishaps that are bound to happen.
For the record she's 100% not sexually active yet but it only takes that one night with the boy she falls for.. one of her friends has openly had 2 terminations so she's very aware of that option also but doesn't agree with it.

Anyway fast forward 2 weeks and she broaches it again and says her mum won't really talk about that kind of thing and it's to be discussed at 18 + she's now asking me to help her look into this but I'm not sure how to proceed?? My DH is very open abs they have a good relationship but understand my she doesn't really want him sorting this.
I've been clear I can't suggest anything that mum doesn't agree with because I don't have that right but I'm equally concerned now about being a step grandparent at 35!

OP posts:

Carrotgarrotte · 06/07/2021 09:17

That is a tricky one.
Is she sexually active?
I think the only thing you can do is encourage her to speak to her mum again or maybe find some info websites or advise her to book a GP appointment if there’s anything she would like to discuss. There’s not a lot more you can do I don’t think

Bridezillamaybe · 06/07/2021 09:39

Sorry but I think you are overstepping. I do have frank conversations with my partner's teens but this is not your place.

vivainsomnia · 06/07/2021 09:50

She can go to the closest sexual health clinic. She can make an appointment herself. I would give her the contact details but tell her that it's for her to make contact and discuss her needs with the nurse/doctor she sees.

MrsMcGarry · 06/07/2021 09:51

Why on Earth is it not her “place”

It is appalling that her mother refuses to talk to her daughter about contraception until she is 18. I’ve spoken to my daughters friends with similarly incompetent parents.

My daughter has been on an implant since 15 - nothing to do with having sex (she had her first sexual partner at 17, I know because she told me a few weeks afterwards and they used condoms too) but she had unpleasant periods before that and so I helped her to get medical treatment that worked - whilst the implant doesn’t stop periods in all women it did for her.

A 15 year old would be gillick competent to get contraception from her doctor without her parent being involved. Don’t let the poor girl have to deal with this herself- step up for her and give her the guidance and info her mother won’t

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 06/07/2021 09:55

Even if one if my dcs friends came to me and asked me to go with them to the doctor to discuss birth control, that their parent refused to allow or even talk about, I would go and support them, so I don't think you're overstepping at all. Its great she has you to talk to.

idontlikealdi · 06/07/2021 09:55

I don't think it's your place. She can figure it out for herself and make an appointment, I never had a conversation with my mother about contraception.

funinthesun19 · 06/07/2021 09:57

I just wouldn’t get involved at all. If you do become a step grandparent at a young age you do realise you have no obligations there too?

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 06/07/2021 09:58

She can go to her GP or sexual health clinic and get them herself. No need to mention it to mum.

StarryNight468 · 06/07/2021 10:00

I think you should refer her to Brook to talk about these things. They have an under 18s/16 drop in and do phone consultations atm due to covid. Then all you have done is point her to where she can get professional advice and nothing will come back on you. Brook is everywhere, in schools, youth clubs ect so its not an unheard of place to point a YP in that direction.

starfishmummy · 06/07/2021 10:05

I'd say its your place because she has asked you for help, but you probably need to proceed carefully or her Mum will be on the warpath.

What does your oartner think you should do?

singlehun · 06/07/2021 10:08

It would be inappropriate to take her to a clinic and have that whole thing with her against her mum's wishes. But, equally, it would be negligent to ignore your dsd's quite clear attempt at raising this.

Point her in the direction of a clinic and suggest she go along with a friend.

It's a shame her mum won't be involved but it's nit essential

Magda72 · 06/07/2021 10:10

I would tell her that as much as I would like to help her it's not my place as I cannot take the place of a parent. But, I would also tell her that we (she & I) should talk to her dad & that he can organise something for her & that you will help her talk to him.
I think you're right to want to help but if you do so without consulting either parent you're putting yourself in a very hard situation.

mynameisbrian · 06/07/2021 10:12

My DD got an implant at 16 but this was due to her having horrendous migraines every month. So discussed it with her and the GP and its been the best thing I did. Her friend spoke to me about contraception as her mum was very controlling. Tracked her on her phone, limited who she could see. Her DD started visiting friends and swapping her phone and slipping off to visit her boyfriend. So she wanted contraception. She went with my DD to a family planning clinic and sorted it out without her mother knowing. It is very naive of the mother in this case refusing to engage in a discussion. I had two sisters who had DC young and I wanted to ensure that my DD and I had an open dialogue about contracetpion. I would be supporting your step daughter and flag post her to family planning clinics. I wouldnt sit back and do nothing if she asked for support and advice.

Trisolaris · 06/07/2021 10:13

She is 15 years old and her mum won’t help her understand how to protect herself from unwanted pregnancy. I’d help her but be prepared for the fall out. For me this would be where it’s worth it.

Youseethethingis · 06/07/2021 10:24

I'd speak to her Dad privately and say you'll help her. He's the parent you want to consider in all this. Her mum doesn't want to be involved so she's chosen to be left out. Don't say it's her Dad or nobody because at 15 years old the very thought of discussing this stuff with your dad is going to be mortifying.

miltonj · 06/07/2021 10:24

A lot of young girls worry out going to the doctors for this as it may be their family gp snd worry about it getting back to parents of embarrassed. You could drop her off or help her make an appointment at the sexual health clinics? It's the right thing to do. If she's asked twice, she likely is planning on or is sexually active x

RubyGoat · 06/07/2021 10:30

If she has a good relationship with her dad but finds discussing this sort of thing with him embarrassing, can he just have a quick chat with her to say he’s aware of the situation & he’s happy for her & you to deal with it? And that he’ll back you up if her mum decides to get difficult about it?

Notaroadrunner · 06/07/2021 10:33

Would your Dh have a word with ex about this? Are they amicable enough to have this conversation about a serious issue relating to their dd? His ex cannot tell their dd that she cannot have contracteption til she's over 18. She's being ridiculous. There's nothing stopping you from looking up the pros and cons of different types of contracteption with her, to help educate her on the subject. It's no different to helping her with a school project in biology or georgraphy. It's just giving her facts. Then, if and when she decides she's ready, she can take herself off to her gp/well woman centre and get her contracteption herself without anyone else's input.

Eekay · 06/07/2021 10:40

I think you'd actually be irresponsible NOT to engage with her on such an important topic.
She's turned to you because her mother is abdicating responsibility and she clearly trusts you.
Obviously you shouldn't tell her what to do and march her off to an appointment.
But a general chat about options, and how she feels, then signposting her to a reliable, reputable source of information is surely not "overstepping ".
Rather the opposite IMO.

Justilou1 · 06/07/2021 10:41

I think it’s great that she had a responsible, intelligent adult that she trusts to discuss this with. I can understand het squeamishness about having that conversation with her father, but I suspect if her mum knew about you organizing an implant for her, or making or facilitating an appointment at a clinic for her, there could be potential legal ramifications. **Unless expressly asked to do so by her father. (This is more of a butt-covering exercise, though.) I would make sure that SD knows that there are no secrets between you and DH, and if you were to help her out, there would need to be full transparency so that you could not be accused of coercion at a later date.

Justilou1 · 06/07/2021 10:45

*Her mum is being really stupid, and potentially dangerous, btw. Also, I think you need to hammer home that there is a huge difference between contraception and safe sex. You’d be VERY surprised at the number of kids these days that don’t know this. The threat of HIV in heterosexual communities doesn’t hold the same fear that it used to, and tinder hookups during lockdown has brought about a 60-80% increase in heterosexual syphilis and gonorrhea cases. (They’re just the ones that are treated and reported. Many more fly under the radar.)

TwinsAndTrifle · 06/07/2021 10:55

DH needs to speak to the ex. Let her know that DD wants advice and perhaps to then have an implant/whatever she chooses, and that if ex will not take her, he will take responsibility.

He has then let the mother know that she needs to step up, or he will. And if that's you taking her to the doctors because she feels more comfortable with a woman, then that's what happens.

That way, there's no "you've gone behind my back with MY daughter" because you've directly given her mother the (second) opportunity to meet her daughter's needs, and made it really clear that if she doesn't, he will.

It has to very clearly come from DH. Even if you're the accompanying adult on the day, ex needs to have no grounds to deflect this into some kind of "who do you think you are, taking my daughter...."

PerveenMistry · 06/07/2021 10:57

@funinthesun19

I just wouldn’t get involved at all. If you do become a step grandparent at a young age you do realise you have no obligations there too?

But if her spouse becomes a grandparent prematurely it certainly would change OP's life quite a bit. She does have a stake in this.

Mischance · 06/07/2021 10:59

Tell her you understand and provide her with all the information she needs to acquire proper contraceptive advice.

That way the initiative is left with her and her biological parent cannot complain about your involvement.

Well done you for having this conversations with her.

Muststopeating · 06/07/2021 11:02

@funinthesun19

I just wouldn’t get involved at all. If you do become a step grandparent at a young age you do realise you have no obligations there too?

Jesus! You are talking about a young girl asking an adult woman for help and advice and your only persepctive is on obligation! Just yuck!

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