I'd hate my son to have a step parent

[LikeADawg]

I absolutely hate the idea of my son having a step parent (I'm married to his Dad with no plans to separate but just the thought of it) and it's because I am one and I know how I feel about it / them.

I realise that makes me incredibly hypothetical. Has anyone else thought this?

OP - I do not think any of us want their children to have step parents. I know I did not .8 yrs together before we had DCS and then 4 years after second ,life turned up side down.

Whilst the first SM was a nightmare for my DCS - luckily their exposure became so sporadic they were not exposed to her perverse sense of right and wrong too much. Having said that the eldest hates her with a passion and the hold she still has over their DF who had a child with her. She still dictates his life ( despite new partner) and if she knows mine are doing something special then she will wreck those days - think eldest had b day coming up - last year - she took their half brother to hospital - hence Dad not around on their B day because morally he had to go. ( Child discharged - she has history for this - not had an admission yet)

New SM is lovely and a bonus aunty as my eldest calls her - and she does it so well.

My partner is a bonus uncle - but then with 3 girls himself having boys to play with is so much fun!!! Think taking them fishing, does not mind being loony parent on the rugby sideline - whilst I take his girls to dance / gym etc.

Still wish they did not have to have SPs but we are now making the best of what was a fecking awful situation.

My eldest calls them bonuses and it has helped me come to terms with it much more.

It depends, my ex is completely useless. When he sees dc they go to his dirty flat, eat rubbish and play video games. Even before covid he never took them anywhere. Some stepmums are amazing and really add to dc’s lives - but this is usually because they get given all the ‘wifework’ that their husbands are too lazy to do.

I am a step parent and I learned to not share anecdotes from my home life with my partner and his child with colleagues at work as I see the real parents disengage. I think it’s because they don’t like to imagine that that could be their child with a step-parent. Even a quite good one like me!
I can assure you that even though my DSD has known me since she was one she knows who her parents are - I’m just a bonus

I agree... I am a step mum also and I think I am a good one but I am detached also do I was very clear on my boundaries when they were younger and luckily my partner never took the piss and respected this.
As they are older we have a good relationship when they are here but I really don't miss they when they aren't and if I had to choose I prefer it when they aren't here but I have never been unkind or stopped a relationship with dad.
If my stepson had someone like me it would be ok as if never overstepped or tried to be a mil type role i guess

You mean a step mum not a step parent I think there OP. My son has a step dad, has had for most of his life, who dotes on him, and treats him like his own son. DS's dad has a partner, they've been together for about eight years. She isn't a step mum in any sense of the word because she chose not to be. She never does anything considered "mum" like, which is fine now, but his dad is really distant, has been absolutely vile in the past, and ds probably could have done with someone acting more like a parent when he stayed over when he was little.
I am much closer to my step mum than my mum, for a multitude of reasons.
Take from all of that what you will.

This is one of the reasons why I’m glad my ex is absent (so no step parents for my kids) I would hate it tbh!

Well one doesn't want any relationship to break down, but if it does I'd want the parents to find happiness with another partner, and hopefully that partner can be a good, supportive person in the child's life. I know I tried to be to my step sons.

I've no intention of dating until my DC is 18 as I dont want them to have a stepdad. My own experience of having one was so bad, I dont want to risk it.
Not that I share this in real life as its seen as so extreme, but I'm finding being single with no view to date for a long time massively empowering.

I'd hate for DPs ex to be the type of person who'd post this on step parenting forum to be honest. Why would you chose the one place step parents can get a bit of support? There's loads of others.

If you don't want your children to habe a step parent I suggest you work hard on keeping your relationship good. Step parents on exist because parents have children with people and dint stay with them.

@KylieKoKo

I'd hate for DPs ex to be the type of person who'd post this on step parenting forum to be honest. Why would you chose the one place step parents can get a bit of support? There's loads of others.

If you don't want your children to habe a step parent I suggest you work hard on keeping your relationship good. Step parents on exist because parents have children with people and dint stay with them.

I'm not an ex... I'm a step parent!!

I'm saying I wouldn't want my DC (my step children's half sibling) to have a step parent because of the way I know I feel about my step children. I would hate the thought of someone feeling that way about my son even though I know that's really hypocritical.

It's not that there aren't good step parents there are I know. I feel on paper I am a pretty good one. I have a good relationship with my step children but I know inside how I feel and I'd hate that for my DC. Nothing even really terrible but just generally how I don't feel any real love for them and how I do fantasize about a life where DH didn't have them.

Depends, if I died I would totally want dh to remarry and hope that he picked a kind person who can be an extra person to love my child.

A possible step mother kept me in a bad relationship for too long but I do not want someone else parenting my kids and sticking their oar in. I consciously made a decision to tell mine, when their Dad left that there will not be another man, not one moving in, no step kids around or moving in, no marriage and no more kids. I want them to feel safe and secure in what is happening, as him leaving was obviously out of their control. Whatever he does is up to him and even if he felt the same he wouldn't think to tell and reassure them. They are not young and are teens but to me their childhood and education needs to come first for a few years.

I'm genuinely not worried about stepmothers. My DS has one and she's been nothing but a positive influence in his life. His dad is a better father for her involvement.

What would (and does) worry me about snout splitting up is that I know what my husband is like as an NRP and how he lets his other children behave. It would be truly awful for my youngest son. Awful.

And any future SM would be screwed from the start. I'd feel terrible for her, getting to enjoy being the scapegoat to his Disney dadding.

I think being a step mum is quite different to being a step dad. My DS has/had a step Dad, and as long as I parent him, and we get on, he doesn’t care - it’s outside of his main world really.

My dd has a fantastic stepdad (my partner). Her bio dad has been pretty inconsistent. I don't think you can generalise.

It depends, my ex is completely useless. When he sees dc they go to his dirty flat, eat rubbish and play video games. Even before covid he never took them anywhere. Some stepmums are amazing and really add to dc’s lives - but this is usually because they get given all the ‘wifework’ that their husbands are too lazy to do.

Oh my gosh, your ex sounds just like my ex. And this is exactly what my DC have to put up with when they see their dad.

It makes me so mad, because his ex wife was awful with me when I was a stepmum to her child. That would have been her child’s life with their father like my children now have if it wasn’t for me being around to give a stable life to her child. And yet I was spoken to like shit by her.

There is no stepmum to look out for my children like I looked out for exDSC.

I don’t mean to blow my own trumpet, but my exDSC had a better life when seeing their father because of me being there, than my children will ever have with him on his own.

I wouldn't like it either, op, nor would I want to be a step parent. However there is no need for either.

I don’t know… my exh appeared to be an amazing dad when DS was a toddler but a shit one afterwards. His step dad is a much better parent.

My DD will never have a Stepmother. I wouldn't be obstructive or in fact, unpleasant in any way - I'd be kind. I just wouldn't want that kind of set up for her as I know she wouldn't cope (ASD). It isn't ever going to happen though...

I wouldn't mind if she was nice. Her not loving them as I do wouldn't worry me at all, no one loves them like I do so it's not something I expect. Nor would they love her like me. She isn't their mum. It's two totally different roles.

To me, that would be like worrying that my dcs teacher doesn't love them, or their grandparents don't love them exactly the same way I do. No they don't, that's fine.

I guess if I'm being honest I just feel quite detached. I understand not loving like my own but I don't really feel much else than a mild like and even that's not all the time. And I can't help but think that my life would be easier and, in all honestly, more enjoyable if my husband didn't already have older children.

And then I feel awful because I would hate someone to think of my son like that.

I'm not trying to suggest there are no step parents who feel better or love their step children. I am well aware there are. But I think my experience of being one has shown me that is quite hard to tell who's just tolerating and who isn't in some cases.

My DC has a step mother who doesn't know he exists.

Can't imagine that'll go down well when it eventually comes to light!

@felulageller

My DC has a step mother who doesn't know he exists.

Can't imagine that'll go down well when it eventually comes to light!

What do you mean? Your Ex hasn't told his partner/wife that he has a child?!

Totally depends on the situation, and the people.

I'm a step mum, my step daughters are with me and my husband full time, and I think I'm a bloody good one. They are loved, secure and are treated exactly as they would be if they were my own daughters. Their mum isn't in their life now, so clearly the parameters of our relationship have changed, but even when they were only with us at weekends I felt that it was my responsibility to ensure that they always felt wanted, loved and part of MY family, because they were!

The girls step dad is the reason their mum isn't in their life any more, and it's safe to say we would all prefer if he hadn't been in the picture, as his behaviour impacted her behaviour and made it unsafe for them to be with her.

My own step mum is genuinely one of my closest friends, but she is my dads third wife and came into my life when I was 12. I'm now 33, she's 53, and we're really close. I speak with her more than my dad. But she's not a parental replacement, I have my mum. But she's made my dad a better person, my sister wouldn't exist without her, and she's bought so much to my life. My step dad is a grumpy git, but he's hilarious, and he and my mum are like a comedy act. Has no bearing on my life, but is entertaining to watch,

Dads second wife, my first step mum, was a twat, but luckily she didn't last long.

All depends on the people. Clearly we'd all prefer parents to stay together and be happy, but actually, in my case - my parents are better apart with their new partners, and my DH and his Ex-W...? Well, without sounding bitter and slating the ex-W, I'm happier that the girls are with me, let's put it that way (as are social services, and the police).

So, no, I don't agree that step parents are always a negative. I think it's better for children to be in a loving, happy environment, whatever that looks like.

My ex has a girlfriend (she was the OW). They are marrying this year. She has been utterly vile to my son to the point that the court have put injunctive measures in place so she can't have contact with him. Ex has chosen her over our son so he no longer has contact either. It's a relief to be honest. She resents my son so much and expected my ex to just cut him off and be a father to her child instead. She's a disgusting excuse for a human being and I am so relieved she is out of the picture now.

I, however, have a lovely relationship with my own stepmum who is an amazing person. She came along after my mum died and she has been the best thing that could have happened for my dad. She's taken on the role of "nanna" to the children and they all adore her. She is a fine example of step-parenting and I'm really happy we have her around.