I'd hate my son to have a step parent

[LikeADawg]

I absolutely hate the idea of my son having a step parent (I'm married to his Dad with no plans to separate but just the thought of it) and it's because I am one and I know how I feel about it / them.

I realise that makes me incredibly hypothetical. Has anyone else thought this?

*I'm not an ex... I'm a step parent!!

I'm saying I wouldn't want my DC (my step children's half sibling) to have a step parent because of the way I know I feel about my step children. I would hate the thought of someone feeling that way about my son even though I know that's really hypocritical.

It's not that there aren't good step parents there are I know. I feel on paper I am a pretty good one. I have a good relationship with my step children but I know inside how I feel and I'd hate that for my DC. Nothing even really terrible but just generally how I don't feel any real love for them and how I do fantasize about a life where DH didn't have them.*

You're projecting your own guilt about how you feel towards your step children onto a hypothetical step parent your child may never have.

For starters that seems like a spectacular waste of time. You're wasting a lot of brains space on something that might not happen, isn't even in the pipeline. Worry about something more tangible, like how to build a better relationship with your step children.

Also, what you've said so far is not only wildly self indulgent, it's actually quite insulting. Just because you only have the capacity to "mildly like" your step children, doesn't mean everyone else is the same.

You'd be better to modify your concern to "I hope that if it ever comes to it, my children get a better step mum than I am".

My SD is my dad in every way and always has been.

My SM hated me on first sight - I was a toddler. She refused to let me stay, tried to exclude me from wider family events. I don’t blame her at all as she could only do this as my father allowed it.
As adults I’m NC and my half siblings are LC in part due to how their DM treated a child (me).

Some of these step and blended families sound like a battlefield and I don’t understand why any women looks at a man not looking after his kids and thinks that’s a good catch?

I’ve seen SM complain re the extra housework when DSC are there but actually the DF doesn’t even do any when they aren’t. It’s not a DSC issue, it’s about having a grown adult that doesn’t do their share of housekeeping that becomes exacerbated when DSC arrive.

What I’m saying is, if you take the DSC away many of these relationships would be problematic anyway due to the men.

I’ve noticed that SMS in happy successful families usually have DH who are central to the DSC care and in the case of toxic mum, have strong boundaries in place.

To answer directly, my DH is an equal parent and housekeeper to me.

People do change but in all honesty, I could not see him being in a relationship where his partner does his parenting and housework for him nor could I see him allowing our DC to be disadvantaged by his partner.

So while I’d not want my DC to have a step parent, I do trust (as much as you can trust anyone), my DH judgement in considering the effects on our DC and adjusting his life to manage that where necessary.

I really dislike being a step-parent, but I try my hardest to embrace it as much as possible, which isn't always easy.

However, my ex is now in a relationship and I really hope it works out for him. I actually think it would be a great thing for my DC to have another influence around the house.

I'd want them to have a nice one.
I've no intention of splitting up, if I did I'd expect him to move on.
My DD is at an age where she'll never have a stepfather, she's 12 aspie if we broke up I'd stay single.
I'd trust a woman DSM around my DC.

Being a step parent isn't a bad thing, a child can have 4 positive role models instead of 2. My dh is ds step dad and he has a step mam but has a loving caring relationship they do happen only the bad ones are posted about.

@LikeADawg

I guess if I'm being honest I just feel quite detached. I understand not loving like my own but I don't really feel much else than a mild like and even that's not all the time. And I can't help but think that my life would be easier and, in all honestly, more enjoyable if my husband didn't already have older children.

And then I feel awful because I would hate someone to think of my son like that.

I'm not trying to suggest there are no step parents who feel better or love their step children. I am well aware there are. But I think my experience of being one has shown me that is quite hard to tell who's just tolerating and who isn't in some cases.

I'm not worried this BECAUSE I have been in the position and I understand that it is not malicious, it's just a normal thing to feel about somebody else's kids. The people around you will often dictate whether it ever becomes an issue, through their expectations.

I wouldn't be worried about someone like me or you being my DDs step parent. I would of course be a bit worried about somebody worse, but I wouldn't be heartbroken for my DD if they just felt detached.

I think you just aren't guaranteed to know that you'll get a nice step parent. My son has had two extremes (just being in the middle would have been lovely!)

My husband is DS's step dad. We met when DS was 2, moved in all together about 18 months later. He's great, tbh I read a lot of SP posts on here and think actually DS has an Angel as a step dad . He treats both of our children (DS 1&2) as absolute equals, there's no debate over "he's your responsibility" etc, and even when DS had a few issues aged 8-10 with anger - and took a lot out on DH - DH took it all in his stride. Never once felt it was unfair, he was a child who needed support, and he got it.
They have a brilliant relationship. DS is now 17, contact with his Dad has always been there - but he's never been particularly hands on. Even his Dad has often commented how lucky DS is to have DH. He really is. I had no expectation DH would be such a fantastic SD, I just expected him to accept that DS and I came as a package, but he has gone above and beyond.

DS's ex step mother (from age 4-11) was a pretty nasty piece of work. Was brutally honest - even to his face - how much of a hassle he was, how him being there ruined her perfect family weekends. I'm afraid in this case I will use the thing that a lot of SM's hate people saying on here - She knew exactly what she was getting into, and should have walked away if she couldn't manage EOW with DS.
As with DH, I didn't expect her to be a mother to DS, but being nice to him would have been my hope, sadly she was far from that.
The sad thing is the damage which has been done to DS and his Dads relationship, that never got over it (his Dad stood back and watched it all happen )

Our children are now into their teens, and I have no expectation we will separate, but if we did I wouldn't plan to meet anyone new until they are both adults as I couldn't risk another step parent like that.

I'm not the step parent I wanted to be, or even the step parent I was at the start.
I like having DSD around and love seeing her relationship with DS flourish.
But my heart remembers when her DM stopped contact. It remembers being told "she's not your child, you get no say". It remembers the words of DHs ex coming out of a 6 year olds mouth.
So my heart built a wall and although things are much more settled and amicable than they once were it seems that it is slower to come down than it was to go up.
I learned my lesson. She's not my child and I cannot afford to ever forget that, even if there was a time where I genuinely felt it was neither here nor there in terms of how I would make make room for her in my life.
If my child ever had a step mother, I would like to think I could help support her to become the step mother I used to be before the well was poisoned.

I would be a fine with my children having a stepmum who felt detached. I actually think that’s perfectly normal.
Things like not wanting to to take my children to hobbies or parties. I didn’t like taking my exDSC to these and I would understand if any stepmum wouldn’t want to take my children.

Or if the stepmum wanted a day out with just her child. I’ve been in that position myself, and there was no malice behind it. It’s just a case of a mum wanting to spend some quality time with her child.

How the other adults like the ex wife interpret that is their problem and they will probably be fuelling the child’s “hurt” if they make a big deal about the stepmum making choices that don’t always involve the dsc.

I obviously wouldn’t want my children to have a stepmum who is physically abusive or takes drugs, or says blatantly nasty things to the children. But someone who is pleasant with them when they’re there and then enjoys the time when they’re not there… I can’t get worked up about that. I’ve been there and I understand it.

Aren't you projecting a bit? Your step-kids, just like your own child, are fine. They have two parents (their mum and dad) who love them and they also have other adults in their lives who either like or tolerate them and who are hopefully a positive influence (you, their teachers, babysitters, parents' friends etc.). If you split up, your DC would still have two parents who loved him. He would be absolutely fine with a step-mum who was kind and tolerant but not loving and involved. It's not necessary that everyone should love our kids... that's what we do as parents.

It happens, people don't (or shouldn't) have children with intention of leaving the parent of their child but it happens, and isn't always anyone's fault either (I know widows). There's better ways of going about it and not all are horror stories. My dps dd has chosen to live with us, not all stepmothers are evil!

My DD's dad and I both have partners, who are both excellent step parents. They love my DD and bring a lot to her life. We have four people on hand to help and support her, all with different strengths and ways of connecting.

I genuinely believe she is better off and has a richer life than she would if her dad and I were still together, thanks to her step parents.

Thank you to all the step parents out there who do their best to welcome other children into their lives.

@BraveGoldie

My DD's dad and I both have partners, who are both excellent step parents. They love my DD and bring a lot to her life. We have four people on hand to help and support her, all with different strengths and ways of connecting.

I genuinely believe she is better off and has a richer life than she would if her dad and I were still together, thanks to her step parents.

Thank you to all the step parents out there who do their best to welcome other children into their lives.

Aww that's so lovely to read

If you don't want your children to habe a step parent I suggest you work hard on keeping your relationship good.

It takes 2 to make a relationship work and with the best will in the world, one party can't control the success of your relationship, if your partner is useless or abusive.

Also reading SP boards, there appear to be a lot of kids conceived from ONS and flings.

I think the fear of stepparents is why some parents stay in bad relationships. Hence one party being blindsided when the other party (usually the husband ups and leaves) once the youngest is older.

I’m quite attached to my step kids. And Ds is quite attached to my partner…..

A step parent works if they take on the role of adult friend or mentor.

I’m a step parent and since having my own DC it’s made me understand how hard it must be for DSDs mum to accept another woman in DSDs life doing a lot of the parenting things; I’d hate to have to accept it and its made me a bit more respectful about boundaries.

My parents divorced when I was in my early 20's and my Dad remarried not very long afterwards to an unpleasant and vindictive women (they rather deserve each other as he's not exactly a catch) and between them they have ruined what relationship I might have had with him ever after. But that's another story!
So when I found myself many years later with a man who had kids I decided not to be like that.
I think I have been a decent, caring, but not overstepping figure in their lives. They don't live at home anymore but we all get on well. Their Mum remarried too and my DSD in particular gets on very well with her Stepfather.
I'm sure everyone involved would have preferred the nuclear family happy ever after but it often doesn't work out like that.

I’m a step parent and since having my own DC it’s made me understand how hard it must be for DSDs mum to accept another woman in DSDs life
This is really nice, some understanding goes a long way.

I think having my own child made me a better SM too (children all have same Dad) as it made me realise some of my expectations were unrealistic (things around what they could do like keeping room tidy/laundry etc) and I was just more relaxed and happier. My SC's have always been nice kids who were pretty easy to live with.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I’m quite attached to my step kids. And Ds is quite attached to my partner…..

A step parent works if they take on the role of adult friend or mentor.

You need a partner (and their ex) who is willing for you to take that role though.

And who will make choices about their children that support this and make it easier to achieve.

And, to some extent, SC who are willing to accept you in that role.

The thing about it is, you very often just cannot know whether you have either until you're in the midst of trying and it becomes apparent that people are casting you in a variety of much less desirable roles whether you like it or not.

@Jellyred

My SD is my dad in every way and always has been.

My SM hated me on first sight - I was a toddler. She refused to let me stay, tried to exclude me from wider family events. I don’t blame her at all as she could only do this as my father allowed it.
As adults I’m NC and my half siblings are LC in part due to how their DM treated a child (me).

Some of these step and blended families sound like a battlefield and I don’t understand why any women looks at a man not looking after his kids and thinks that’s a good catch?

I’ve seen SM complain re the extra housework when DSC are there but actually the DF doesn’t even do any when they aren’t. It’s not a DSC issue, it’s about having a grown adult that doesn’t do their share of housekeeping that becomes exacerbated when DSC arrive.

What I’m saying is, if you take the DSC away many of these relationships would be problematic anyway due to the men.

I’ve noticed that SMS in happy successful families usually have DH who are central to the DSC care and in the case of toxic mum, have strong boundaries in place.

This all of this. What's a little disturbing is the fact that SM or mum actually tend to get vilified on here for having any spectrum of a "negative emotion" and if you look at it it's usually the DH central to all the issues not pulling his weight.

What happened to girl power (or did that die in the 90s) with the spice girls ?

I'm absolutely relived my dc have a step mum. Tbh I didn't think they'd have any contact with their dad if it wasn't for her and they'd definitely not be safe. She does all the parenting when they are there and her and her whole family have welcomed them with open arms. I dread the day she opens her eyes to the utter arsehole he is. I just hope dc are adults by then.

I'm absolutely relived my dc have a step mum. Tbh I didn't think they'd have any contact with their dad if it wasn't for her and they'd definitely not be safe. She does all the parenting when they are there and her and her whole family have welcomed them with open arms. I dread the day she opens her eyes to the utter arsehole he is. I just hope dc are adults by then

I was in your children’s stepmum’s position for 10 years. Eventually I did kick him out but I should have done it a lot sooner than that.
His child with his ex wife had a lot more stability than they would have had if I wasn’t around. ExDSc was 14 by the time we split so his ex wife didn’t have anything to worry about and they don’t have much contact anymore to be honest because dsc chooses not to see him.

The thing that really sticks in my throat now though after all the care I gave to dsc, is that it’s MY children who are the ones who will feel the affects of their father being an arsehole and nobody to give them any stability when they are with him like dsc had.

I always felt very unappreciated and taken for granted by everyone when I was with my ex.
His ex wife will never truly know what it’s like to be in my position right now because she always had the comfort of me being there. If I had split with him much earlier than I did then she would have got a taste of it.