I'd hate my son to have a step parent

[LikeADawg]

I absolutely hate the idea of my son having a step parent (I'm married to his Dad with no plans to separate but just the thought of it) and it's because I am one and I know how I feel about it / them.

I realise that makes me incredibly hypothetical. Has anyone else thought this?

OP if you feel like you do towards your step kids I would question if you really are a 'reasonably good' step parent. I miss my DSD dearly when she's not with us, as does her dad.

You can't say what kind of step parent your kids might hypothetically have, but surely if it transpires to be a good one; one who loves your children, cares for them, and genuinely wants to spend time with them, then it can only be a good thing to have another person in their life loving them and looking out for their best interests?

OP if you feel like you do towards your step kids I would question if you really are a 'reasonably good' step parent. I miss my DSD dearly when she's not with us, as does her dad.

Uugh 🤦‍♀️

You don’t have to miss your stepchildren to be a good stepparent.

I am one, and that's why it wouldn't bother me. But then I know dp is an incredibly good parent, I have seen the way he behaves as a seperated parent and I know how he behaved re introducing me etc so I know he would handle it well. Obviously I don't know who he would choose but I feel he wouldn't ditch his kids for someone because I know he wouldn't have done that with me.

There are of course awful step parents out there but you don't know you'll get one of those I guess. I wouldn't expect anyone to love ds or treat them as their own, I'd be happy with another friendly adult to just be there for him I suppose.

@cocoloco987

I'm absolutely relived my dc have a step mum. Tbh I didn't think they'd have any contact with their dad if it wasn't for her and they'd definitely not be safe. She does all the parenting when they are there and her and her whole family have welcomed them with open arms. I dread the day she opens her eyes to the utter arsehole he is. I just hope dc are adults by then.

This is the issue in many problematic SP families, somehow the DP inadequacies are overlooked and it becomes ‘the DSC are the issue, the ex is the issue’.

However in reality the DP is an arsehole, the SK situation is just a symptom s/he would be an arsehole regardless but the SP stays in a poor relationship blaming the issues re blended families.

I do sometimes wonder if the previous relationship broke down because of the DP fuckwittery.

The one thing I have learned as well is how not to behave.

As a pp said, I appreciate it must have been hard for his ex which is why I took a back seat to begin with, have been nothing but positive about her to dss and generally defended her to him when she's been an utter twat.

But, in reality, she's been a despicable arsehole and irreversibly damaged her child. She's tried to hurt me and dp time and time again but the only person she has truly hurt and totally fucked over is her own child.

I would never do that no matter how hurt I was that my ex moved on.

I know it's cliche to say that she's a bitter ex but she truly is. Even a decade on she still cannot accept the situation for what it is and as a direct consequence of that dss will leave high school with next to no qualifications but she will be satisfied because the condition of not having to attend school and being able to spend school nights with his girlfriend is what got him to move back in with her.

I just wouldn't behave like that and I would do my best best to be amicable if Ds ever got a step parent because me being a jealous knob head wouldn't help him at all.

I wish my DC had a step parent as it would mean they would have their other parent in their life.

That aside I am also a step parent and get along brilliantly with my DSC mum. We are both aware that it takes a village to raise a child.

I understand this feeling. I do love my DSC but their mum made it very clear over the years that I am not to be considered an important person in their lives. She was too insecure. Over time it meant that I detached. We have a 'fine' relationship but it could have been a better one for them. If DH and I ever split I would help to facilitate the relationship with the new woman even if she was the OW as in the end it's the kids who lose.

Completely agree @jellyred

I think the adult friend/mentor role is good to aim for, but what role you ultimately play obviously depends on each situation (no shit).

A few years after DH and I had been together and were living together, DSD’s mother died so EOW and a night during the week became full-time. My role changed hugely then in practice, even though DH continued to do most of the active parenting. I went on to adopt DSD - who I now just often call DD on here and in RL- after she asked me to. It gave her the stability she needed and meant from a legal point of view some things were a lot simpler. Eg I had to take her to hospital once but I wasn’t her parent. She has always still called me by my first name because that’s what she called me when we met and for the first few years of knowing me, and she did have a mother. So I’m her adult friend/mentor/mother figure all in one. I love her v much and am v proud of her. She’s grown up now and a brilliant big sister and occasional babysitter to her two half-siblings.

In answer to the OP, no I wouldn’t, in large part because one of my DC is autistic and has a few other related conditions. As well as the big change for them, I’d really worry about whether a step-parent could understand and support DC’s autism properly. Especially with an autistic or neurodiverse child who’s “high functioning”, it can be hard for people to properly understand the line between expressing symptoms due to unmet needs v “bad” behaviour.

Both my bio DC are of such an age now where were DH and I to split up, I’d stay single (or at least not live with someone) until they’d both left home. I’m pretty damn certain DH would do the same.

I've just split with my DP, so my DC are likely to have a step-parent at some point, as I was to EXDSS. The main issue which will arise is how EXDP manages the relationship and integrates them all.

I'm grieving for the fracture of what I thought was our nuclear family, however I don't regret leaving him for a second, knowing the emotional abuse EXDP put me through, after the carrot he dangled through our 7 years together.

EXDP also expected me to take care of the majority of both house and child matters, despite us both having full-time jobs, mine being more demanding as it's at a much senior level.

I'd love my DC to have a SM like I initially started off as with DSS. Someone similar to a kind aunt, who shares good and bad times, and is able to discipline them in the same way as she would her own DC.

The trouble is I'm certain EXDP would expect the same heavy lifting from her, that he expected from me, except now he has 3 DC who will be SDC, instead of just 1. Looking back I can see that's where my resentment kicked in, and withdrawal of help taken for granted began. EXDP isn't introspective enough to examine his own behaviour during the relationship, so the cycle is likely to continue.

There are awful step parents but many are so because they are left to do all the parenting with no authority when the kids are around.

There are also parents who make such a drama or exercise so much control on how the time with the other parent should be used that is impossible to build a nice and relaxed relationship with the new partners.