DSS can not entertain himself

[yellowwballoonn]

I have a DSS10 who is with us nearly 50/50. Lovely child, normal moments of stubbornness but I get on pretty well with him.

The one thing I am struggling with (and I know DP is too) is that DSS can not entertain himself at all. He needs DP with him to watch a film, to play computer, to play a board game etc, so when he is here DP doesn't get a minutes rest. If DP tries to do something else for a while (even if it's like check the news) DSS will sit there and say 'I'm bored', over and over.

I don't tend to get involved (although I get very tired watching it/listening to it!), but lately DP is finding it hard. I've subtlety said to him that maybe he shouldn't give in every time, but he does, so yet it continues. I have DC too and although DSS gets on with them and will play with them, he will moan unless DP is playing too.

Does anyone else have a child that can not amuse themselves? And if so, how have you tackled it?

You are probably right that his dad is enabling it. He needs to stop providing the entertainment every time DSS says he's bored. It's fine to say that he's doing something right now so DSS will need to find something to do with himself. And maybe later on they could do X or Y together.

It's not harmful for kids to be bored. In fact, it's good for them in lots of ways. He may just have to do a lot of being bored til he learns to entertain himself. He won't learn this without the opportunity boredom provides.

My SS cannot entertain himself. He's only 4 but he will honestly just sit and do nothing rather than play if no one is entertaining him. His school reports euphemistically refer to this as 'an unusually strong preference for adult led play'. His parents generally just stick him in front of the tv (always have). But he really needs the opportunity to learn to play on his own and figure out his own games.

Have you asked mum how he is at home ?
I wonder if it’s just at your house, or if he’s like it in general.
What is he like if dad’s not there ?

Does your DP get on well with his ex? Is it possible to ask if he behaves like that with her too?
How long are you together and has he always been like this

When Ds was about 4 I used to say to him “I’m just about to empty the dishwasher / make your bed / hang the washing out / other household chore. Do you want to help me or are you too busy?”

He was always busy!

@Mumoftwoinprimary

When Ds was about 4 I used to say to him “I’m just about to empty the dishwasher / make your bed / hang the washing out / other household chore. Do you want to help me or are you too busy?”

He was always busy!

😂

DSS would choose to hover around and watch you doing that if it meant he didn't have to think of something to do himself. All the while asking the same question over and over again but not listening to the answer. Or making constant demands for things.

His dad can put up with that if he likes. 😂 I'll just load the dishwasher when I only have to worry about the baby 'helping' (he is obsessed!).

To answer a few questions, me and DP have been together 6 years.

It seems as though DSS behaves the same when with his Mum, although I'm not sure how she deals with the issue.

I guess a big difference is that DP will do things like play computer with DSS which his Mum doesn't do.

I guess what's prompted me to post on here was I was struggling with a huge work related headache last night, DP was playing a board game with DSS and my youngest DC (for over an hour), and the minute it finished DSS started up. My DC went off and grabbed his iPad, whereas DSS sat there and said 'I'm bored' repeatedly (I mean every 30 seconds!), until DP stopped what he'd got up to do and started playing with him again.

My dd has never played. She has asd so does not like pretend play Etc like her sister, but will craft and read and do art by herself. She too prefers adult company and asks us lots to do this and that and says she needs us to 'help'. We just say no. If she says she's bored I reply with "that's nice dear" or "good im glad your bored as it means you will have to think of something to do". She eventually gets bored of sitting around while we get on with life and will go off and do her own thing. It takes patience and consistency mind you. If your dh is not willing to say no then not a lot you can do.

My dd is 7 and I have explained to her that I'm an adult and I don't enjoy doing xyz kids stuff all the time, I have jobs to do and my own needs/wants. Its ok to say this and your ss is old enough to understand

You have a DP problem then !

I think as @DinosaurDiana says this is on your DP

He needs to step up and say “son I need to go to grown up stuff/make dinner/read the news whatever now, if you are bored why don’t you read your new book/ watch TV / do some drawing until I’m finished and then we’ll be doing X y and Z”

One of my kids is the same , they do have a certain level of anxiety but they would be glued to me all day I had to be clear with them , especially at bedtime , it was hard in beginning though

Definitely a DP problem.

@Thatsmycupoftea's tactics are exactly what your husband needs to try. His son is old enough to be told that he needs to find ways of entertaining himself. And his father needs to parent the whinging so he stops doing it.

DP is shattered from it, but he just won't make him entertain himself so as a PP as said, I guess there's not much I can do.

We're going on our first holiday (in UK) in August all together and although I'm looking forward to it, I am worried about how it's going to go due to this.

Obviously he can play by himself, he’s just not being made to. Time by themselves, being bored, is good for children. DP is failing his son by pandering to a ten year who can’t pick up a book, play a game or Lego or whatever he’s into by himself.

He’s responsible for his son’s behaviour under your roof and I’d have no sympathy with any complaints about being tired or not getting any time off if he’s unwilling to hold firm and say that being bored is a good thing sometimes.

The response to “I’m bored” on repeat is “that’s fine, you’ve got plenty of things you could do and I expect you to find one and stop bleating at me”.

His son knows that making a fuss works so he’ll keep on doing it. That’s not his fault. I’m not saying you think it is. But I’d take no whinging from his dad about behaviour created and maintained by ridiculous parenting.

I’d be seriously rethinking the holiday. How’s it going to be fun or relaxing for you and your children? Sounds exhausting.

If he's shattered, it's in his gift to solve. No one else's.

Just as his son needs to experience boredom without his father stepping in to entertain him, it sounds like your husband needs to experience the misery and exhaustion of this to decide to parent his way out.

Set boundaries for the holiday. Make it clear that you don't pander to kids who refuse to entertain themselves. Make a plan for what you will do if it's getting annoying. It's fine to go for a walk/sit in a cafe on your own and leave him to reap what he's sown.

Slightly different take here. My DS is the same age and has the same issue. Unless he is drawing energy from something else (an adult, a playmate, or a screen) he massively struggles to occupy himself. I do take a firm line and don't give in, suggest things he could do, and give him notice and structure for when I will be available / screen time will start etc. But he's just as likely to lie face-fown on the sofa for an hour as he is to entertain himself. It's worrying. He is dyslexic and I have wondered whether aspects of that make it harder for him to come up with something to do and then do it without an external structure.

Your DH obviously does need to be firm about expectations, but with understanding- it might be worth your DH suggesting a specific plan for free time, and an end point, to help your DS know when he can rely on some contact time. I don't think kids choose to be bored and unhappy - always best to assume they're doing their best with the set of limitations and needs they have.

Its probably insecurity. I've known a few adopted or foster children and this is a pattern I've seen with them, at least at first. Its about looking for approval and reassurance. Does your DH spend plenty of quality one on one time with his child?

@Overdueanamechange Yes definitely, more often than not it is one on one time.

Two words - Nintendo Switch. I know people criticise gaming but I've never seen a child yet who doesn't like playing. (Or another brand). It's hard, my dd wasn't great at entertaining herself until she discovered online gaming about 11/12.

@motogogo He actually has a Switch, but doesn't want to play it unless DP is playing too!

If DP tries to do something else for a while (even if it's like check the news) DSS will sit there and say 'I'm bored', over and over.

This sounds incredibly annoying! If it's rewarded with attention though he is probably going to keep doing it.

This would drive me mad. My DSS is like this but he's only 8 and my DP has not been pandering to it for years. I would put some kind of temporary ban on the phrase "I'm bored", and telling him that at his age doing this every 30 seconds is really rude. Tell him it's an ok thing to say sometimes but he's become the boy who cried wolf and you don't want to hear it for a while.

He's too old to be doing this to this extent, in my opinion. Your DP has dropped the ball by leaving it this long to address and now needs to make a conscious point out of allowing him to become bored and learn to deal with it.

I think some children just so naturally need more from their parents. My son is a bit like that.

However as you seem to know anyway actually entertaining him non stop will only make it worse not better.

With my kids (who are both a bit like this because I used to play 24/7) I found the following helpful:

*visual timer on the iPad. “I’ll play chess with you for 1 hr, when the alarm goes off I need to do cleaning and you need to find something to so (helping with some suggestions)”.

*do a chunk of 121 time early in the day so they had connection/special time with their parent early on.

*find something to do myself. This helped me redirect my son back to other things. “I’m planting the flowers right now so I can’t play. I can do another 1/2 he of play after lunch time.

*ride it out. Just put up with the fuss that will inevitably come from having the boundaries changed. I find mine put up a fight and then after a while will accept it and then settle into playing something eventually.

*I speak to myself internally to remind myself that it’s ok not to entertain them all the time. I have done some play with them but I don’t have to play all the time. This is because I can feel guilty and her flustered when they age badgering me. I try to accept it’s ok for them to be annoyed.

Some children really do struggle with this.

How about having a chat sometime and saying something in a "lets work this out together tone." Something like - I know that you're bored soemtimes and its difficult when there isnt always someone to play so lets think of 5-6 things you'd really like to do next time that happens.

Get a price of A4 - write those things up and draw a picture . It could be 15mins reading/game on switch /lego /new puzzle book whatever he's into and importantly things he's chosen.

When it starts you can cheerily say "Ohh go look at your list and choose something and I'll/X will be with you in 15mins. Then make sure you/dad are there in 15mins. It will build up his confidence he can do things on his own for 15mins. (And then eventually longer.)

Depending on child you could turn it into a lucky dip of ideas or a "spin the wheel' on the wall.

Your DP could follow my parents tac of dealing with bored children by putting him to work?
So if he's bored he's given the dishwasher to empty/fill, clothes to fold, floor to sweep etc
My Dad got entire afternoons to watch sport in peace with that policy

Can your DH try a timer, one of those battery ones that shows time counting down and then your DSS knows that when the buzzer goes his dad will be back from whatever he is needing to do. One of my kids was clingy and I started off by setting it for 5 mins so I could go to the loo or make a cuppa and gradually increased the time. Also I used to put a book or toy beside the buzzer so he had the choice of watching time counting down or playing with something until the buzzer went. Or if your DSS has a watch or phone he could set the time ( that your DH has decided on) himself