Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

DSS can not entertain himself

59 replies

yellowwballoonn · 23/06/2021 11:09

I have a DSS10 who is with us nearly 50/50. Lovely child, normal moments of stubbornness but I get on pretty well with him.

The one thing I am struggling with (and I know DP is too) is that DSS can not entertain himself at all. He needs DP with him to watch a film, to play computer, to play a board game etc, so when he is here DP doesn't get a minutes rest. If DP tries to do something else for a while (even if it's like check the news) DSS will sit there and say 'I'm bored', over and over.

I don't tend to get involved (although I get very tired watching it/listening to it!), but lately DP is finding it hard. I've subtlety said to him that maybe he shouldn't give in every time, but he does, so yet it continues. I have DC too and although DSS gets on with them and will play with them, he will moan unless DP is playing too.

Does anyone else have a child that can not amuse themselves? And if so, how have you tackled it?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
LiJo2015 · 23/06/2021 13:04

@yellowwballoonn

It sounds sound like your DSS is craving attention. The real question here is why?

RaininSummer · 23/06/2021 13:05

Has he got many things to occupy himself with? Could it you get him some kits to make things, new books or some paint by numbers as an example.

Youseethethingis · 23/06/2021 13:14

Parents who just pander to any sort of behaviour long after it is age acceptable/appropriate are preventing their children from growing and developing IMO.
Life is being made harder and shitter for this child than it needs to be if there's always someone blocking the way in the form of one adult or another refusing to find ways to push him or encourage him.
Maybe the answer is in helping DH to see this? That he needs to make a change for his child's sake rather than his own or anyone elses?

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/06/2021 13:30

[quote LiJo2015]@yellowwballoonn

It sounds sound like your DSS is craving attention. The real question here is why? [/quote]
Someone else entertaining you is easier than entertaining yourself. He’s with his dad nearly 50% so it doesn’t have to be a deep and meaningful crisis of confidence or attachment.

Original poster
yellowwballoonn · 23/06/2021 13:39

@RaininSummer Unfortunately he won't read, build Lego or do arts and crafts!

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 23/06/2021 13:41

[quote yellowwballoonn]@RaininSummer Unfortunately he won't read, build Lego or do arts and crafts! [/quote]
Then perhaps the answer should be "well that's why you're bored then!" He needs to start seeing himself as responsible for his own entertainment.

Totallyrandomname · 23/06/2021 13:44

Does he use screens a lot?
I’m not against screens but I do think using them a lot means that some children struggle with filling their time in other ways

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/06/2021 13:48

My dd was like this. No matter how much l tried to ignore her, or started things off with her and then drifted away, she would consistently want some one with her.

She’s 14 now and less bothered. But it continued until she was about 12. I think it needs recognising that some children are more demanding than others. Ignoring doesn’t always work.

Wallywobbles · 23/06/2021 13:52

Omg congratulations on not going insane. Nothing helpful to add but I do not play. Kids can help with what I'm doing but that's as far as I compromise. Lovely independent teens now.

HollowTalk · 23/06/2021 13:57

What's he like in school? Have to say he'd drive me nuts!

Original poster
yellowwballoonn · 23/06/2021 13:57

Both my DC are pretty independent (and one is younger than DSS) so I'm not really used to this kind of behaviour. He does spend a huge amount of time on screens so I'm wondering if this is part of the problem.

OP posts:
MorningNinja · 23/06/2021 14:00

Your DP needs to encourage your DSS to play alone/occupy and interest himself. Nevermind it being annoying, it's an important part of his development.

There is talk about screens, etc to occupy him...can you tell him to go outside and find some friends?

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/06/2021 14:11

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

My dd was like this. No matter how much l tried to ignore her, or started things off with her and then drifted away, she would consistently want some one with her.

She’s 14 now and less bothered. But it continued until she was about 12. I think it needs recognising that some children are more demanding than others. Ignoring doesn’t always work.

Plenty of advice not telling them to ignore him. It’s not ignoring him to say that whining and repeating himself isn’t going to get him what he wants and he’s got stuff he could be doing so it’s expected him chooses something and occupies himself for a bit. He’s 10, not two. It’s addressing the situation/demand and saying no, not for now.
theemmadilemma · 23/06/2021 14:17

Hang on, if he usually spends a huge amount of time on screens does that mean he does that alone, and that it's that he doesn't have access to the consoles at your house?

Or is that time on screen always with Mum or Dad in tow?

Original poster
yellowwballoonn · 23/06/2021 15:00

@theemmadilemma Screen time at ours he wants DP to sit/play with him. Screen time at his mums, if it's computer and his Mum won't play with him then he'll FaceTime DP and ask DP to play with him.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 23/06/2021 15:03

Oh yikes. I really feel for you guys, it's going to be tough to work through if it's that engrained. Is he an only child?

FishyFriday · 23/06/2021 15:14

[quote yellowwballoonn]@theemmadilemma Screen time at ours he wants DP to sit/play with him. Screen time at his mums, if it's computer and his Mum won't play with him then he'll FaceTime DP and ask DP to play with him. [/quote]
So your partner is pandering to this even when his son is at his mum's house?

Original poster
yellowwballoonn · 23/06/2021 15:18

@FishyFriday I'm afraid so!

OP posts:
Nowthisisme · 23/06/2021 15:26

Can your OP take small steps like saying ‘I need x minutes to do xxx so start without me and illl be there as soon as I’m done’?
It does indeed sound very wearing. Does he play with his peers or do any sports?

Original poster
yellowwballoonn · 23/06/2021 15:58

@Nowthisisme He doesn't seem to play with any peers and he doesn't do any sports!

OP posts:
Nowthisisme · 23/06/2021 16:17

Sorry I shouldn’t have zoomed in on sports! Does he do any organised activities outside home? If he has no friends and doesn’t do any activities there’s a bit more to think about. It does sound like he’s missing some life skills.

Original poster
yellowwballoonn · 23/06/2021 17:04

@Nowthisisme Nope, no organised activities either!

OP posts:
Totallyrandomname · 23/06/2021 17:07

I agree with starting small and getting him to have maybe chunks of 10 mins at a time alone. If DH struggles to not cave he could be out for a walk or to pop to the shop the first few times (so he’s not actually there to cave).

I gotta say though it does sound a little beyond just wanting to be entertained. It’s not usual for a child that age to not be able to play with peers. Does he have social needs? Does he have any friendships?

Magda72 · 23/06/2021 17:12

@yellowwballoonn - my friend's ds was very similar & neither she nor her husband put a stop to it. Their son is now 27 & still expects then to entertain him/sort out his life. My friend now sees where they went wrong but it's too late & she is exhausted from dealing with him.
My exdp's eldest & youngest dc were the same. Again, nothing was ever done about it & I know for a fact that exdp spends every weekend entertaining a 21 yo & a 15 yo, neither of whom will do ANYTHING unless exdp does it too.
I'm not sure what causes it but it's not just separation anxiety as a result of divorce - my friend and her husband were & are very much a unit.
It could be shyness around other children & not feeling comfortable in groups combined with paradoxically not wanting to be alone - I'm not sure.
My eldest displayed all the signs of not wanting to mix with other kids & instead just hang out with me all the time. However I didn't entertain it, having seen what was going on with my friend. He wasn't sporty so I got him involved in drama & it was the making of him. He's now a very outgoing 24yr with lots of friends.
Can you try and get your dh to view it from that point of view? That a little upset with dss now & dss being disgruntled will ultimately be doing dss a favour as he is, as pp's have said, missing out on important life skills & developments. He needs to learn how to be bored & how to mix outside of the home.
As an aside, it sounds like he's gaming more than is possibly good for him?

gurglebelly · 23/06/2021 17:57

@M0rT

Your DP could follow my parents tac of dealing with bored children by putting him to work? So if he's bored he's given the dishwasher to empty/fill, clothes to fold, floor to sweep etc My Dad got entire afternoons to watch sport in peace with that policy Grin
We had the same at home, if you dared utter the words 'I'm bored' you'd get given (age appropriate) chores to do!