Getting time alone with DH when teen DSC is always here

[SeeYouInFive]

DSC has been living with us for about 8 months. They share a room with one of our younger DCs, who goes to bed earlier. DSC goes to bed at the same time as DH and me, which means DH and I are never alone. If I want to discuss something with him, I either need to ring him on his lunch break or wait until it’s late and we’re in bed. Neither is ideal, because he works through lunch most days and conversations late at night in bed never go well if the subject matter is a bit tricky.

It’s a delicate situation, which is why I’m putting it in this forum and not general chat. Because I know everyone with teenagers probably has the same issue as me, but I don’t feel able to tell DSC to give us some space in the same way I would just tell my own children. And DH won’t say it either.

My options are to go upstairs and watch something on my own, or be downstairs with both of them. DH wouldn’t join me to watch something upstairs with me and leave DSC downstairs. DSC doesn’t like being left alone anywhere ever. Needs company all the time.

I’m stuck. And a bit worried. It’s hard to feel intimacy with DH because I haven’t had a proper conversation with him in weeks. There’s always at least one other child with us.

Is this normal? Do other parents with teens just not speak to each other any more? Do other parents with teens always watch TV in the front room with their teens every night? Am I just being unrealistic wanting DH and I to have our own space?

It’s not helped by the fact that our house is pretty small and also we have no family help, so date nights are difficult and expensive to organise with childcare. Teen is too nervous to be left alone to babysit their siblings.

Is this just the way it is? It feels really depressing.

But I agree OP. My DS babysitter, who was old wise and amazing, always said one thing:

It is not good for children wants/needs to be put above everything else. Put your relationship first as the kids need more than anything Happy parents to thrive.

Personally, I wouldn’t be happy about being ignored by my partner all the time. He may be a good parent but also a crap husband and, how is he protecting the very needed family unit by neglecting the needs of the one who keeps the boat afloat?

Is this normal? Do other parents with teens just not speak to each other any more? Do other parents with teens always watch TV in the front room with their teens every night? Am I just being unrealistic wanting DH and I to have our own space

Mine spend most of the time in their bedrooms, but we have a second living room where they hang out. They wouldn't want to be with us all the time.

To be honest we don't even know they're in the house most of the time as they didn't bother us at that age. They're both in University now...and when they come home, they still spend most of their time in their rooms.

DSC had the option of having their own smaller room or sharing with sibling in the bigger room

Why not put younger one in smaller room?

Teens tend to live in their bedrooms usually but when sharing with a (much?) younger sibling they're not going to be inclined to do this.

What's the age gap? Because while I'm generally an advocate of younger dc sharing bedrooms, by teen stage it's better where possible they have their own space

but I was shouted down, so stayed out of it.

But this affects you and your younger child too, of course you should have a say!

No, small bedroom is taken by one of the younger kids.

Wasn't clear there were 3 or more kids involved here.

What are the ages and sexes as that's crucial to advising here

DSC didn’t want the smaller room.

Families should be benign dictatorships not democracies

It makes no sense they be in the larger room sharing with a younger child when the other younger child has same bedtime etc

Part of the reason DSC didn’t want the small room was that the single bed is elevated off the ground to give more floor space. DSC is scared to sleep ‘up high’. They are very anxious generally because of long history of inconsistent and unreliable contact with mother.

Then get them a different bed in there? Teens don't need a lot of floor space, there are ways to maximise space without a high sleeper, the high sleeper can be moved into the larger room, middle child still sleeps in it, bed teen is sleeping in moved to small room youngest stays in current bed.

There are lots of storage solutions for smaller rooms

You have a dh problem I agree, he needs to make more effort with you and your relationship inc making the time/space to talk without younger ears involved

What needs sorting out re downstairs? Are you organising changing it to part of it is a bedroom?

I would leave it

As teens get older then will want to hang out less with parents. So be patient and just wait,

No, it’s not remotely normal. With my teens/ pre teens I need to make an effort to get us in the same room. They’re either gaming, studying, bike riding, doing something outside. The last thing they’re doing is hanging out with me!

I think there could be insecure attachment styles going on here (it would explain why the teen has chosen to share a bedroom also). People saying give it time, that doesn’t necessarily improve anything. I have a friend with an 18 year old who still won’t leave her side.

Insecure attachment styles need to be moved to secure attachment styles. Think about when a toddler starts to get separation anxiety. We are told to reassure them but gradually distance ourselves so the toddler learns that it’s ok if someone is out of sight. And they learn that their caregiver will return. That’s how secure attachment styles form.

If you cannot afford date night, going out - do it in your home. Start gradual and start gently separating your DSS from you both.

In my home, if an adult pops over (a friend) my kids are very much used to us going into the kitchen at some point and closing the door to have our privacy for adult convos. They don’t bat an eyelid. Why don’t you try and carve out adult dinner date night at home? Close the door, music on and see what happens. The teen may interrupt a lot (think insecure toddler) and need reassurance that you’re both there, and it’s ok for him to be left alone and it’s ok that you both need adult time.

Sounds like a really tricky situation. In the short term, could you try short evening walks (presuming you’d be okay leaving the sleeping younger kids for 15-30 mins with DSS). It would carve out a little time and privacy with DH and you’d never be that far from the house if the younger DC woke up.

I think the mistake was letting them choose to share the room with the other DC or having the smaller room to themselves.

It should have been 'yes of course you can live with us, here is your room (smaller room)' whilst the other two continued to share the bigger.

It makes no sense having the two younger kids who go to bed at similar times having separate rooms meaning the older who has a later bed time can't use either after X O'clock.

I also find these threads strange when people seem to never ask their teens for space and think it's terrible to do so there's no way I would have been allowed to just sit downstairs every single night with my mum and dad constantly when I was that age. I remember being asked to take it to my room now when they wanted to watch a film or programme etc... I'm not in therapy because of it.

Yes it's a communal area but it's the parents house that they pay for and they should be allowed to enjoy alone occasionally.

One of my DSS' is a young teen. He likes to stay downstairs with us sometimes but they all know once it gets to X O'Clock it's upstairs in your rooms unless we are doing something specific like a film night or whatever. They have all sorts of entertainment in their rooms that me and DH don't have anywhere but the living room, TVs, Games Consoles, Computer etc... I need my space to catch up on my TV show thank you!

But obviously until the teen has their own space there isn't much you can do.