Getting time alone with DH when teen DSC is always here

[SeeYouInFive]

DSC has been living with us for about 8 months. They share a room with one of our younger DCs, who goes to bed earlier. DSC goes to bed at the same time as DH and me, which means DH and I are never alone. If I want to discuss something with him, I either need to ring him on his lunch break or wait until it’s late and we’re in bed. Neither is ideal, because he works through lunch most days and conversations late at night in bed never go well if the subject matter is a bit tricky.

It’s a delicate situation, which is why I’m putting it in this forum and not general chat. Because I know everyone with teenagers probably has the same issue as me, but I don’t feel able to tell DSC to give us some space in the same way I would just tell my own children. And DH won’t say it either.

My options are to go upstairs and watch something on my own, or be downstairs with both of them. DH wouldn’t join me to watch something upstairs with me and leave DSC downstairs. DSC doesn’t like being left alone anywhere ever. Needs company all the time.

I’m stuck. And a bit worried. It’s hard to feel intimacy with DH because I haven’t had a proper conversation with him in weeks. There’s always at least one other child with us.

Is this normal? Do other parents with teens just not speak to each other any more? Do other parents with teens always watch TV in the front room with their teens every night? Am I just being unrealistic wanting DH and I to have our own space?

It’s not helped by the fact that our house is pretty small and also we have no family help, so date nights are difficult and expensive to organise with childcare. Teen is too nervous to be left alone to babysit their siblings.

Is this just the way it is? It feels really depressing.

Yabu to expect privacy in the evenings as a couple if you arent able to provide privace for the teenager (their own room that they can relax in on an evening).

Give them somewhere to go.

How young is the little one he/she shares with? Did the younger one get a say? How do they feel about?

Wouldn't they much rather share with their close in age sibling, than with a much older sibling? It's very odd.

Why is the oldest getting so much power and control in a family home? It's time to put your foot down. Put your 2 youngest kids in the big room together and put the teen in the small room with a TV/game console/whatever and tell them that a few nights a week, they need to go to their room to watch TV because you're having an adult night.

If your husband wont agree, its maybe time for the, "this was of living right now isnt working for me now so either stop treating the teenager like a baby and put in some boundaries, or we're going to have big problems in out relationship" chat.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen that's a very good point. Would the younger two prefer to share?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Yabu to expect privacy in the evenings as a couple if you arent able to provide privace for the teenager (their own room that they can relax in on an evening).

Give them somewhere to go.

Um... the teen was offered a private room. They refused it and chose to share with a younger one. Their choice. Not the fault of the OP.

Very very odd choice. Dont know why you allowed it really, but you cant be blamed for them not having anywhere to go. Really though... change the room situation. The teen doesn't get to be in charge.

Most teenagers spend evenings and weekends in their rooms on technology (if they’re not going out.) I barely see my dc and have to drag them out of their rooms.

It sounds like your stepchild couldn’t do that even if they wanted to.

I don’t know that the room swap is much of a solution as then you’ll get into having to tell the teen to go to bed earlier/kicking them out of the lounge to their room when they don’t want to go.
How often are there things that you want to talk about that the teen can’t hear? Unless it’s about them. If DH and I need to talk about something we’ll normally chat during the day or go upstairs to chat anyway. I do get where you’re coming from about generally not having time together but if the teen wants to be with you then telling them they can’t isn’t going to feel good for them.

You do have time together alone after you all go to bed. Why are conversations with your husband tricky after you go to bed?

Having a small home and mixed age children is going to limit you, this isn't the fault of the children. You have to both put the effort in to the time and space you do have. Your husband is blocking this for some reason.

Is he using his children as an excuse for no along time? If he wanted to spend 1:1 time with you he would after you all go to bed.

The teenager had to have the small room of order the for the house to function effectively and give them somewhere to go, I am guessing you only have one room as downstairs space, or no dining room etc they could use to relax in in the evening at times?

Well the obvious mistake was letting them choose their rooms , the 2 littler ones should have shared end of discussion . I would revisit the bedrooms and say you are going to move the teen into its own room which will be redocorated / study space / TV /console etc , if necessary use a loft bed with space under . With regards privacy I do think as they get older you get less time as a couple but it’s never particularly been an issue here as we generally just discuss everything / anything in front of our children but I’m never discussing anything that personal .

So the two little ones used to share the small room and DSC had the big room. Until I finally got DH to see that that was ridiculous. So I got them to agree to swap but DSC was resistant to the small room so basically the middle child just moved over to the big room.

Part of the reason DSC didn’t want the small room was that the single bed is elevated off the ground to give more floor space. DSC is scared to sleep ‘up high’. They are very anxious generally because of long history of inconsistent and unreliable contact with mother.

Ideally we’d have a bigger house but we just don’t have the money to move right now.

Could you not put the raised bed in the double room, and put DSSs bed in the single room?

@SeeYouInFive

So the two little ones used to share the small room and DSC had the big room. Until I finally got DH to see that that was ridiculous. So I got them to agree to swap but DSC was resistant to the small room so basically the middle child just moved over to the big room.

Part of the reason DSC didn’t want the small room was that the single bed is elevated off the ground to give more floor space. DSC is scared to sleep ‘up high’. They are very anxious generally because of long history of inconsistent and unreliable contact with mother.

Ideally we’d have a bigger house but we just don’t have the money to move right now.

The bed issue is easily fixed surely? Get a low bed and put storage above it if space is so tight.

It's ok to tell a 15 year old that they need to move to their is room, but it'll be smaller than the one the younger kids share.

Is it one where then bed is sort of built in? Might have to take it down if it is.

Or if they are getting help for their anxiety they could make that one of the first tasks he looks to do. The one he shares with at the moment could sleep over on the floor every so often?

No it's not like that here.
Mine prefer being their own rooms over hanging out with me
Being scared to be on a different floor to the rest of the family was something that they stopped by age 7/8?
I'm a single parent but if I had a partner I would go out in the evening and leave my teen at home to watch TikTok or whatever.

This is sad. Sounds like your DSC has had/is having a tough time.

What age are they and what help are they getting for their issue?

So DSC sounds traumatised - 15 and not wanting to sleep alone or be alone is not normal. You say he's only lived with you for 8 months? Things must have been pretty difficult for him to move homes at that point in his life.
I don't think you should force him being by himself, it might make matters worse. However, it clearly comforts him being with the younger siblings, so I would suggest temporarily putting all 3 in the same bedroom for actual sleeping, but setting up the little room as a space he or any of them can use for quiet time. I would encourage him to use it maybe with one or both of the younger ones during the day, maybe he could read to them in there, or have down time in there together so that he begins to see it as a positive space.
This is going to take a while, and it means you need to be patient.
His neediness will probably pass in due course.
For your sanity, could he go to bed in the shared bedroom with a book/his phone a bit earlier, at least on a school night, without it waking up the little ones?
I had a 15 year old share with an 8 year old for a while, and actually , once the 8 year old was asleep, the older one could be in the room doing his own thing without it disturbing the younger one's sleep.
15 is old enough to be told that the adults need a bit of grownup time to themselves - sometimes, not every evening.

I think its odd your dh won't do a date night with you. Actually its more than odd, it's unreasonable.

Doesn't he ever want a break from the dc?

I would leave the room swap for now and concentrate on getting a weekly date night in, with a babysitter if sdc feels uncomfortable to babysit. Then after a while I would insist on the two younger dc sharing a room again. If dh says anything I would talk about teenage wanking and how it's not fair on sibling sharing. That would shut down any of his shouting out about it.

I wonder why sdc feels unable to be alone - to the point they'd rather share with a younger sibling. Most well adjusted teenagers love being by themselves. I think sdc needs some support in self confidence and help around anxiety. Dh needs to see sdc needs support and help.

X post @DelphiniumBlue

Ok so all 3 go in together in the big room and the small room becomes a play / chill out room?

I think its odd your dh won't do a date night with you. Actually its more than odd, it's unreasonable.
Doesn't he ever want a break from the dc?

He is very family-oriented and loves big cosy nights on the sofa with all the kids and the cats. I like that once in a while but I also look after our youngest two days a week and by the end of the day I just want some child free time and to be able to watch sex, violence and swearing on Netflix!

Date night is a bit of a moot point. We don’t have anyone who could babysit as a favour, we’d have to pay someone and we just don’t have the money. It’s about £40/50 before you’re even out of the door and we simply can’t spare that at the mo.

It’s hard to separate the issues. Coming out of pretty much a year of lockdown and I’m feeling especially claustrophobic and cooped up anyway. It just feels magnified when we’re never alone.

One of my relatives recently died by suicide and I’d love to just talk it through with DH, but obviously I don’t want to discuss the details of that in front of the DC. It’s just things like that really. No opportunity to talk about adult life stuff. It’s all filtered for young anxious teen ears.

@IND1A

No it’s not normal. I don’t know any teens who watch Tv with their parent/ s every night. They don’t usually watch most of the TV programmes that adults watch - its all you tube or gaming or perhaps Netflix at a push.

Also it’s not normal to never want to be alone - most teens want to be away from adults and with their friends / partner, either in person or online.

What age is this teen who is “ too nervous “ to babysit and is their any logical reasons for theses “ nerves “?

How is teen coping at school ? How often do they see their other parent?

Don't they go out sometimes and hang out with their friends ? I know that Covid has stopped many things but they can now go round to each other’s houses and hang out in parks / cafes etc.

It’s also not normal for your husband to never want alone time with you.

I suspect that your SC needs some professional help and your husband is ignoring this. This needs addressed before the teen becomes even more troubled and before the lack of time together destroys your marriage.

This is such a ridiculous thing to say. Loads of teens sit down with their family in the evening, I have three of them and we all pile into the living room to watch a drama together. They frequently have their phones / devices with them, sometimes earphones in, sometimes watching what's on the tv but they are all together just the same. On occasion they will spend an evening in their own rooms if they want some time to themselves but this idea that the default situation for a teen is to be in their bedroom and not communicating with their family is a stereotype.

OP you ask "Is this normal?"

I can't say for sure, as I used to be milling around downstairs as a teenagers (as did my siblings, although we had heaps of space upstairs) - whereas my own teenagers have tended to be upstairs. I don't think there's a 'one size fits all'. Most families find their own natural rhythms.

What is absolutely not normal, though, is for a teenage child to have a disrupted emotional background, which is what you are dealing with here. Your stepchild is going to be damaged at least to some extent by what he/she has experienced, and his/her own behaviour and responses will not be the same as those of a young person who has had a secure upbringing.

That being the case, nobody else can advise you based on their own norms and their own family. You have done a huge thing, taking on a troubled teenager full-time, but that is inevitably going to dominate your relationship with your husband. All other things being equal, you can reasonably tell teenagers to leave you alone for a bit. But in your case, all other things are not equal. I also think the bedroom issue is a red herring: the issue is that your DSC is anxious as a result of things they have experienced.

Your husband needs to make sure, too, that he is accessing every bit of external support that he can for your DSC, as it sounds as if they need it.

DSC needs providing with their own space and some tech to keep them occupied. Even if that means reshuffling the rooms again and changing the furniture. I’ve had this problem. I gave my children a double bedroom with large TV and console each and put a sofabed in the lounge for us . It was perfect then as I could shut the door to lounge , it was also our bedroom though so they didn’t feel that could wander in and DP and I knew we weren’t going to be interrupted by them and they had no reason to bother us. Never saw them past 7pm most nights . And further away from the kids rooms you feel safer having sex and stuff. Win win

Can you get out for a walk or suggest DSS does?