Getting time alone with DH when teen DSC is always here

[SeeYouInFive]

DSC has been living with us for about 8 months. They share a room with one of our younger DCs, who goes to bed earlier. DSC goes to bed at the same time as DH and me, which means DH and I are never alone. If I want to discuss something with him, I either need to ring him on his lunch break or wait until it’s late and we’re in bed. Neither is ideal, because he works through lunch most days and conversations late at night in bed never go well if the subject matter is a bit tricky.

It’s a delicate situation, which is why I’m putting it in this forum and not general chat. Because I know everyone with teenagers probably has the same issue as me, but I don’t feel able to tell DSC to give us some space in the same way I would just tell my own children. And DH won’t say it either.

My options are to go upstairs and watch something on my own, or be downstairs with both of them. DH wouldn’t join me to watch something upstairs with me and leave DSC downstairs. DSC doesn’t like being left alone anywhere ever. Needs company all the time.

I’m stuck. And a bit worried. It’s hard to feel intimacy with DH because I haven’t had a proper conversation with him in weeks. There’s always at least one other child with us.

Is this normal? Do other parents with teens just not speak to each other any more? Do other parents with teens always watch TV in the front room with their teens every night? Am I just being unrealistic wanting DH and I to have our own space?

It’s not helped by the fact that our house is pretty small and also we have no family help, so date nights are difficult and expensive to organise with childcare. Teen is too nervous to be left alone to babysit their siblings.

Is this just the way it is? It feels really depressing.

@Millionnewnames

DSC needs providing with their own space and some tech to keep them occupied. Even if that means reshuffling the rooms again and changing the furniture. I’ve had this problem. I gave my children a double bedroom with large TV and console each and put a sofabed in the lounge for us . It was perfect then as I could shut the door to lounge , it was also our bedroom though so they didn’t feel that could wander in and DP and I knew we weren’t going to be interrupted by them and they had no reason to bother us. Never saw them past 7pm most nights . And further away from the kids rooms you feel safer having sex and stuff. Win win

This is rather what I mean. This could work very well in a household with limited physical space and where all the relationships and emotional needs are sorted. That isn't the case with the OP's DSC, though, and could have a very bad effect on him/her.

I wonder if something like this ogradywellbeing.com/services/child-sleep/ that you would use for a younger child would help.

I work with deeply troubled young people and you'd be amazed at how they regress to wanting to be nurtured like they're a 5 year old. It's to do with their inner child being hurt and damaged. Your ss most likely inner child needs to be healed. I wonder if you're dh is able to do this as it shouldn't be up to you to get him the help and nurture him whilst going through it.

I totally get where you are coming from. DH is quite good at setting some evenings where DSD goes to bed and then watches TV, but other evenings I work and they spend an evening together.

However, your DH is probably very aware of the trauma your DSC has gone through with their mum, so this needs really delicate handling. My son has a very difficult relationship with his dad and it requires a really different style of parenting. So I can also understand why your DH is not taking a robust line.

Would your husband go to bed earlier with you?

I feel sorry for your DSC they sound traumatised.

The room thing is a red herring. The OP and DH have a space where they can go for private talks and fun times - their room.
Even if the teen moved to the smaller room, it doesn't sound like its big enough for them to hang out it - would only fit a high bed in with storage under it - so no space for a chair to lounge on and play games on or chill out in. Also its really rude to say to someone - go to your room because we want alone time (especially when those people have their own space for alone time).
And even if you did all that, you're more likely to be disturbed in the living room because someone might want water or get the munchies and raid the fridge or forget something. A bedroom with a door closed is far more private.

The simple easy answer is some days you and DH go up to bed early, leaving the teen downstairs and have couple time there. That is something that doesn't need deep conversations with teens, nor will it unsettled them or make them feel less welcome. And this teen with issues with mom is likely to be more sensitive to feeling pushed out than a teen in a 2 parent family with more secure relationships.

Was this big room originally DSCs room? Because I could see they might be resentful at being asked to be turfed out of their room and then "their" space being invaded by a smaller child.

Can you not chat to your DH ar night in bed? A 15 is likely to want to be up at night.

Where are posters getting that the DSC is 15?

I am sure the reason the teen is hanging around with you is because the alternative is going to go and hang around with a much smaller kid.

Buy a bed that suits the teen space and preferences, made a fuss about making it their room. Give them also something to do in that room to stay in touch with their friends, I am sure they will appreciate having some privacy as well.

Something that does help in the absence of regular baby sitting is to ensure you and your other half plonk the kids on front of the TV for half an hour when whoever arrives from work last arrives, and have a catch up with each other in the kitchen, about anything nit children related before you go ahead with the evening routine.

@GiantToadstool

Was this big room originally DSCs room? Because I could see they might be resentful at being asked to be turfed out of their room and then "their" space being invaded by a smaller child.

Can you not chat to your DH ar night in bed? A 15 is likely to want to be up at night.

That's tough, frankly. The bedroom situation needs to work for everyone. They are the only teen child so they need to go in the single room. Far too much pandering going on if an oldest child can never be expected to move rooms because they happened to have the biggest and best room back when they were the only kid.

The room thing is a red herring. The OP and DH have a space where they can go for private talks and fun times - their room.
Even if the teen moved to the smaller room, it doesn't sound like its big enough for them to hang out it - would only fit a high bed in with storage under it - so no space for a chair to lounge on and play games on or chill out in. Also its really rude to say to someone - go to your room because we want alone time (especially when those people have their own space for alone time).

It is and it isn't (a red herring). The DSC is anxious to be on their own, even using young siblings as a crutch in that regard at night. That's not good for any of them but especially not the DSC themselves, being able to be/sleep alone is an important skill they should arguably have already by their age, but will definitely need. They need to get used to doing it, which should normalise being in their own company.

It may not change their behaviour in the evenings - ie they may still want to spend them all in the living room, but equally it may do, as they begin to see that actually a bit of private time on their laptop is really fun. I had a box room in which the only place to sit was on my bed as a teen- I do think that probably made me spend less time in there, but it didn't mean that I never went in there because I didn't have a chair and space to swing my legs. I just sat on my bed. It's not an impossibility.

Whether it's a red herring or not in terms of OP getting alone time with her DP, it is STILL very important that DSC goes in their own room for a variety of reasons, including tackling their anxiety and privacy during puberty.

So as to avoid making DSC the problem, could you raise the issue with your DH that you feel the two of you need some time alone together and see what ideas he comes up with. Don't blame DSC or start out thinking about how to get rid of them - just start from needing time alone.

asofa agree that times and circumstances change (and indeed the small room could eb a good idea and bring some freedom to watch netflix etc) but that wasn't my point. I think a "that's tough" attitude won't help an unhappy teen and some understanding of their feelings and perspective can.

@GiantToadstool

asofa agree that times and circumstances change (and indeed the small room could eb a good idea and bring some freedom to watch netflix etc) but that wasn't my point. I think a "that's tough" attitude won't help an unhappy teen and some understanding of their feelings and perspective can.

I wouldn't say "that's tough" to them, but it is the bottom line. Eldest children can't just stay put because they liked having the biggest room and resent having to move. They have to get used to it, there is a whole family needing to function around them, and they themselves need to get used to the privacy.

I agree that, while you can be sensitive to the eldest's issues, they do have to just accept that they must fit into the family and the collective needs of everyone. We all do.

I don't agree at all with the PPs who seem to think that the OP does have her one space and she should hide away in her bedroom with her husband (like teenagers) so the teenager doesn't have to spend time in their room. It's totally ok to say to the children in your house that you're claiming your own living room so they have to go and be in their room. You're the adult.

It doesn't matter if the room is small either. I spent so many hours sitting on my friends' beds in tiny box rooms (and having sleep overs in tiny box rooms) as a teenager. It was totally normal. Let's face it, we were lucky that most of us had rooms all to ourselves even if some of them were pretty pokey.

@FishyFriday Totally agree!

I had this exact situation snd I nearly left over it.

People on here will tell you to suck it up or that's it's perfectly normal.

In my opinion, it's not normal, my own teen never wanted our undivided attention like dsd did. They were the same age.

Like your DP, mine wouldn't say anything to her either.

Getting a dog was actually the thing that saved us. Because DSC was not an active teen so no way was she going to tag along on a dog walk everyday so it became a way to talk alone away from the house and dad. Maybe if you could think of a way to carve out that space somehow? Food shopping? Or taking up running? That sort of thing.

Ideally DSC should have some other interests but as a step parent it's very difficult to push them to do things. You can certainly suggest things but you can't encourage in the same way.

Ah sorry just seen you have young kids too so not easy to go out to get time together.

I think you need to have a serious talk as it's not sustainable to be in a relationship where you can never communicate with your partner.

@SeeYouInFive

So the two little ones used to share the small room and DSC had the big room. Until I finally got DH to see that that was ridiculous. So I got them to agree to swap but DSC was resistant to the small room so basically the middle child just moved over to the big room.

Part of the reason DSC didn’t want the small room was that the single bed is elevated off the ground to give more floor space. DSC is scared to sleep ‘up high’. They are very anxious generally because of long history of inconsistent and unreliable contact with mother.

Ideally we’d have a bigger house but we just don’t have the money to move right now.

So when DSS had the bigger room was he ok being on his own in there while your 2 were sharing in the small room? It seems to me that he just prefers to be in the big room and is coming up with different excuses (e.g. the bed being too high, he doesn’t like being alone, etc.) to prevent him being put in the smaller room.

Plus, with you all bending over backwards to accommodate these issues that he has it is not going to benefit him in the long run. By allowing it to happen you are all reaffirming to him that he has got a problem and he is not able to deal with it. On the other hand, if he is using manipulation tactics to get his own way then again it’s working as you are all bending over backwards to accommodate him.

Also, how do the other children feel about it? It just seems that the whole house is ruled by this 15 year old boy. I understand that he has had issues with his mother but he needs reasonable boundaries with you too.

A little bit of me just wants to say that the oldest needs to toughen up.
Life is hard. It can be a battle if you want to be successful. I'd never be where I am if I couldbt managr a few hours away from daddy.
They need to grow up and toughen up. Not all at once. It's hard if they've been through some shit and looking after their mental health is important so they dont spiral. But you're not looking after their mental health right now. You're pandering, you're not giving them the push they need to just bloody try it. That's your jobs as parents. Gently push, encourage, get them to try because they need to grow up... but be there if it fails or if they struggle and find ways around it.

You need to take steps. They go in the small room. That's that. Get them a new normal bed. Plenty of teens grow up in a box room with a single bed using up a lot of space. If that's the room available then that's it. They dont get to share with young kids anymore because they need their own grown up space. So you move them around now. And then you make a one night a week they must be in their room from 8pm. And see how it goes.

You're not doing them any favours by never saying no and never having boundaries. Time for tough love (with both of you there and ready to roll back a bit and support them if it proves to be immensely difficult for them).

@negomi90

The room thing is a red herring. The OP and DH have a space where they can go for private talks and fun times - their room. Even if the teen moved to the smaller room, it doesn't sound like its big enough for them to hang out it - would only fit a high bed in with storage under it - so no space for a chair to lounge on and play games on or chill out in. Also its really rude to say to someone - go to your room because we want alone time (especially when those people have their own space for alone time). And even if you did all that, you're more likely to be disturbed in the living room because someone might want water or get the munchies and raid the fridge or forget something. A bedroom with a door closed is far more private.

The simple easy answer is some days you and DH go up to bed early, leaving the teen downstairs and have couple time there. That is something that doesn't need deep conversations with teens, nor will it unsettled them or make them feel less welcome. And this teen with issues with mom is likely to be more sensitive to feeling pushed out than a teen in a 2 parent family with more secure relationships.

It would be big enough for the 15 year old as the two younger children used to both share the room after all.

I agree though that the OP and her DP should just go up to bed when they want and the DSS can either stay there or go to bed himself.

The OP hasn't said they are 15 or a boy or a girl. So many assumptions have been made here.

We hardly see our teen except for meal times or when he wants something and tbh even the 9 year old is getting more like that but they both have their own rooms with TV's / laptops / Gaming consoles depending on age.

I would definitely be insisting that the bedrooms get swapped around and that he has access to a tv etc in his room. If this is really not an option, then a tablet / laptop with headphones etc with the agreement that you get at least two evenings a week alone or something.

People who are asking OP why she 'allowed' the DSC to share the larger room with a much younger step sibling rather than have a smaller room to themselves would do well to read her posts.

As so often on MN, it appears to be 'DH' who needs to be convinced that he and OP need some alone time.

Everything else, including the sleeping arrangements and whatever support is required for the DSC to be capable of being, or even thriving alone sometimes, would all flow from DH wanting time alone with his wife, rather than prioritising the DSC.

@DinaofCloud9

The OP hasn't said they are 15 or a boy or a girl. So many assumptions have been made here.

Yes you're right, not sure where those two assumptions came from but found myself going along with them after a while, but it doesn't change the advice either way!

The SC was offered their own room, they didn’t want it because they do not like the bed.