Getting time alone with DH when teen DSC is always here

[SeeYouInFive]

DSC has been living with us for about 8 months. They share a room with one of our younger DCs, who goes to bed earlier. DSC goes to bed at the same time as DH and me, which means DH and I are never alone. If I want to discuss something with him, I either need to ring him on his lunch break or wait until it’s late and we’re in bed. Neither is ideal, because he works through lunch most days and conversations late at night in bed never go well if the subject matter is a bit tricky.

It’s a delicate situation, which is why I’m putting it in this forum and not general chat. Because I know everyone with teenagers probably has the same issue as me, but I don’t feel able to tell DSC to give us some space in the same way I would just tell my own children. And DH won’t say it either.

My options are to go upstairs and watch something on my own, or be downstairs with both of them. DH wouldn’t join me to watch something upstairs with me and leave DSC downstairs. DSC doesn’t like being left alone anywhere ever. Needs company all the time.

I’m stuck. And a bit worried. It’s hard to feel intimacy with DH because I haven’t had a proper conversation with him in weeks. There’s always at least one other child with us.

Is this normal? Do other parents with teens just not speak to each other any more? Do other parents with teens always watch TV in the front room with their teens every night? Am I just being unrealistic wanting DH and I to have our own space?

It’s not helped by the fact that our house is pretty small and also we have no family help, so date nights are difficult and expensive to organise with childcare. Teen is too nervous to be left alone to babysit their siblings.

Is this just the way it is? It feels really depressing.

How old is the teen? I assume as you’re talking about them babysitting they’re at least 16, which depending on their maturity may mean you can have a chat with them along the lines of “dad and I are going have a date and catch up night on Wednesday, could you watch a movie in our room with some treats so that we can do that?”. In regards to them feeling anxious when alone, could they do a FaceTime-movie session with a friend, or perhaps have a friend over to keep them occupied.

Given that they are sharing with a younger sibling and have a later bedtime, I’d assume they literally have no where else they can be in the house.

No it’s not normal. I don’t know any teens who watch Tv with their parent/ s every night. They don’t usually watch most of the TV programmes that adults watch - its all you tube or gaming or perhaps Netflix at a push.

Also it’s not normal to never want to be alone - most teens want to be away from adults and with their friends / partner, either in person or online.

What age is this teen who is “ too nervous “ to babysit and is their any logical reasons for theses “ nerves “?

How is teen coping at school ? How often do they see their other parent?

Don't they go out sometimes and hang out with their friends ? I know that Covid has stopped many things but they can now go round to each other’s houses and hang out in parks / cafes etc.

It’s also not normal for your husband to never want alone time with you.

I suspect that your SC needs some professional help and your husband is ignoring this. This needs addressed before the teen becomes even more troubled and before the lack of time together destroys your marriage.

Can you get DSC a place to go on the evening that us their own space? It doesn't sound a great deal of fun sharing with their younger step sibling.

Its not a problem with the teen. Its a problem that your kids dont have their own space, so they hang out downstairs. What else do you expect them to do? In a small house with lots of children, you wont get much privacy especially as they get older and you cant put them to bed at 7.30.
Youll need to find a way of carving out space. Lunchdates when kids are at school? Agreement to sometimes go up to bed early together.
When people had big families in small houses before, i think people made more use of pubs etc to get space from the family. If your husband wont come up and watch a film with you in the evening upstairs, I dont think thats the teenagers fault

Is this normal? Do other parents with teens just not speak to each other any more? Do other parents with teens always watch TV in the front room with their teens every night? Am I just being unrealistic wanting DH and I to have our own space

Yes, yes, yes and yes.
Mine are older now but the lady is still an older teen. They are all in and out at different times but I can’t think of a time where at least one of them is not here and mainly they would be in the room with us watching tv or in the other room watching tv. In fact my biggest problem is someone in the lounge room watching a shit show, someone in the other room watching an equally shit show and someone else talking loudly on their phone or computer. I go to my room and watch Netflix. DH, if home, just tends to sit on ‘his’ chair and what goes on around him is what goes in around him really plus we tend to have different bedtimes as I’m generally the first to bed and first up in our household. If DH or I want something we generally leave it until the day and text or email each other while we are at work, just seems easier. At the age of our kids (adults) there is nothing stopping us from going out for the night but you just get conditioned otherwise over the years.

If you and your DH actually want to go out together for a night, why not just get a babysitter? Your DSS is obviously not ready for this task and forcing it is cruel but I can’t imagine they would be upset about a babysitter coming in to look after the young kids while he just watches tv or something?

We actually have plans to remodel the downstairs so that there’s more space but we don’t have the cash to pay someone to do it so we’re doing it ourselves and it’s taking ages. I will have a think about how I can speed things up.

DSC had the option of having their own smaller room or sharing with sibling in the bigger room and they chose to share in the bigger room. Didn’t make sense to me given the ages but I was shouted down, so stayed out of it.

Book a babysitter. This isn’t the son’s fault.. where can he go really? He doesn’t have his own room

I know that Covid has stopped many things but they can now go round to each other’s houses and hang out in parks / cafes etc.

Mine only did that during the day on weekends when teens and at that age we had to drop off/pick up anyway so it was a pain in the arse. Once they started driving them this came into it more and then they are just in and out, our front door is like a barn door in the wind at this point .

Is there a small bedroom that's not being used ? (maybe i understood that wrong ?/) If there is, could you put a telly in there, set it up as a games space, chill out zone for the teen

If there isn't anywhere else, what is it exactly you'd like them to do ? And that's bot being sarcastic, just trying to see what all the options are. Is it you want them to go out & socailise with friends ? Sit in a dark bedroom with small DC making sure they don't wake them ? Something else ?

No, small bedroom is taken by one of the younger kids.

This thread has helped me see that we need to speed up the process of sorting out downstairs. And also that DH needs to at least act like he’s interested in being alone with me more than once every six months. Otherwise I have a bigger problem.

@SeeYouInFive

We actually have plans to remodel the downstairs so that there’s more space but we don’t have the cash to pay someone to do it so we’re doing it ourselves and it’s taking ages. I will have a think about how I can speed things up.

DSC had the option of having their own smaller room or sharing with sibling in the bigger room and they chose to share in the bigger room. Didn’t make sense to me given the ages but I was shouted down, so stayed out of it.

How does the other child feel about this? And what has happened to the smaller room, is it empty?

The core problem is that they don't have their own space. But beyond that, it does sound like they would be reluctant to use it even if they could. Personally, I did watch TV with my parents most evenings as a teenager. But not every single night, and often I would have headphones in and be on my laptop. So I think a healthy medium is appropriate. I think if they haven't naturally developed any independence, what needs to happen is their dad needs to have a word. Try and encourage them to have hobbies, speak to friends, and also delicately explain that time alone is good for everyone involved. Implement a date night if that doesn't work, and hopefully that will get them used to enjoying time alone. I prefer being with people but there are perks to nights alone - even if it's just watching something nobody else would be interested in.

So there’s a spare bedroom that’s empty then?

A combination of what PP’s have suggested 1 make it into a small TV/games room snug.

And start telling the teen, “we’re having a date night at the weekend, so tell me what food and snacks you’d like and we’ll rent a film for you to watch in your room”. They are old enough to understand that their parent and their partner need some space occasionally.

You've been 'shouted down' for your suggestion? Sounds like you've got a DH problem here OP.

I always feel a bit funny about teens being turfed out of communal areas in the house but I do think they usually choose to spend some time alone anyway.

It could be that your stepchild wants some privacy on an evening too, but it doesn’t sound like they have anywhere else to go. They can’t exactly use their bedroom if their step sibling is sleeping (not without disturbing them anyway).

Do you have anywhere else that could be set up as a chill out space (a dining room maybe?). If you create an appealing alternative to sitting with you you’re much more likely to get some privacy.

Alternatively, go out on more dates with your DH .

There is no spare room.

We have two younger DCs. I thought it made sense for the younger ones to share because they go to bed at the same time, but that would have meant them having the bigger room and DSC having the small room. DSC didn’t want the smaller room.

@SeeYouInFive

There is no spare room.

We have two younger DCs. I thought it made sense for the younger ones to share because they go to bed at the same time, but that would have meant them having the bigger room and DSC having the small room. DSC didn’t want the smaller room.

How long ago was this? Personally I would switch this around - your plan made infinitely more sense, it should never have been an option.

The issue to me seems to be that the teen doesn't really have anywhere else to go. If the younger sibling is in bed it's not really fair to expect him to sit there in silence. Also I can imagine that your DSS would probably have more of a social life it it wasn't for covid.

Would DSS really not babysit for cash? Maybe starting with a couple of hours only.

Are clubs for teenagers running at the moment? Does he have any interests like a sport or playing a musical instrument or something which could potentially get him out of the house one night a week?

Can you and your husband not go to bed early in your room for a chat and leave him in front of the TV?

@SeeYouInFive

There is no spare room.

We have two younger DCs. I thought it made sense for the younger ones to share because they go to bed at the same time, but that would have meant them having the bigger room and DSC having the small room. DSC didn’t want the smaller room.

How old are all the children?

There must be a significant difference in age if bedtimes are so much earlier for the younger ones.

I’d be insisting that bedrooms are swapped around now and the teen has their own room.

@SeeYouInFive

There is no spare room.

We have two younger DCs. I thought it made sense for the younger ones to share because they go to bed at the same time, but that would have meant them having the bigger room and DSC having the small room. DSC didn’t want the smaller room.

I find this odd. As a 15 year old I would have much preferred my own small space than a shared space with a small child. Do you know why your DSS objected? Could you sweeten the deal by letting DSS decorate in exactly the way that he wants to so it is really his?

One of my DD's likes to hang out with me, always has. It's just a personality thing partly and she likes watching the same tv. Doesn't sound like he has anywhere else to go in the evening eg second sitting area with games system.

I mostly just talked in front of my kids, at that age I didn't really have secrets. Obviously there's a limit but I would curl up on the sofa with exh with them around and my dp isn't overly shy in front of his dd either, ok they are now older but cuddling up watching tv is fine

@HoppingPavlova

Is this normal? Do other parents with teens just not speak to each other any more? Do other parents with teens always watch TV in the front room with their teens every night? Am I just being unrealistic wanting DH and I to have our own space

Yes, yes, yes and yes.
Mine are older now but the lady is still an older teen. They are all in and out at different times but I can’t think of a time where at least one of them is not here and mainly they would be in the room with us watching tv or in the other room watching tv. In fact my biggest problem is someone in the lounge room watching a shit show, someone in the other room watching an equally shit show and someone else talking loudly on their phone or computer. I go to my room and watch Netflix. DH, if home, just tends to sit on ‘his’ chair and what goes on around him is what goes in around him really plus we tend to have different bedtimes as I’m generally the first to bed and first up in our household. If DH or I want something we generally leave it until the day and text or email each other while we are at work, just seems easier. At the age of our kids (adults) there is nothing stopping us from going out for the night but you just get conditioned otherwise over the years.

If you and your DH actually want to go out together for a night, why not just get a babysitter? Your DSS is obviously not ready for this task and forcing it is cruel but I can’t imagine they would be upset about a babysitter coming in to look after the young kids while he just watches tv or something?

I don't agree that the answer to all these questions should EVER be yes. In any family.

Parents need time together to nurture their relationship. It's totally fine to tell your teens to go to their room or whatever so you can just watch tv or have a chat in peace. It's not going to do them any harm.

It's even more important in a blended family to make time and space to nurture the relationship. Waiting until the kids all grow up and leave home is not reasonable.

@SeeYouInFive I'd speak to my husband about this. Or, given the issue is that there is never any time it space for that, I'd put it in writing and email him. You cannot have a relationship where the only chance you get to talk privately to your husband is if you phone him in his lunch break, or you have a (probably whispered) conversation in bed. He needs to recognise that this is an issue and work with you to find a way to make regular time and space just for the two of you.

Your SC will benefit from this as their father will be modelling a relationship where he thinks about his partner and makes time just for them, as well as spending time with children etc. That's a healthy thing for any teenager to see.

I don't agree that the answer to all these questions should EVER be yes. In any family. Parents need time together to nurture their relationship

Works for us! Spent decades married without all this time you speak of. On the bright side I doubt we would ever get divorced as don’t get the chance to argue or puss each other off. I guess one day they will all shift - as each leaves uni and gets a job they are putting away $$ for a house and at this point with house prices seems sensible they all put in together even if for investment purposes. My dream is they will all live in said house until they drift off/can buy each other out/decide to leave but keep as an investment etc. I guess then I’ll get a dog for company as DH will still be welded to the same chair when home ha ha.

Seriously, there’s not just one way to do it. There’s a whole spectrum and no right or wrong, just depends where you are able to sit on it given your life circumstances at the time. Personally I don’t believe in kicking teens to the curb, one day your kids will likely be out of your life more than you would like so I’m happy to have them around while it lasts.

I would put the 15yo in the smaller room if I were you - he doesn't get to choose! It makes no sense for him to share with a younger child if they have different bedtimes.

We hardly see our teens but they have their own rooms. Only appear for mealtimes usually.

Assuming the little ones are quite little, the older one needs to be given the smaller room. DH can tell them. They need space away from the little ones so they can use their tablet/phone do homework etc.I

How much smaller is the smaller room than half the big room? It can't be that much.