Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Pregnant and don't want to hear anything about the birth of my stepson - am I being unreasonable?

57 replies

Ernestina · 21/11/2007 15:47

My dh is generally very sensitive to my feelings but I've told him I don't want "the benefit of his experience" from the birth of his son and would prefer him not to mention it at all. Yet he still comes out with little things I'd rather not know.

Most recently he said all the pictures of birth and newborn babies at the antenatal class brought back happy memories for him. Hello?! Surely this would be the same as me saying something like, oh, this trip to Paris is bringing back happy memories of when I was here with my ex.

Or am I being unreasonable?

Just for background info, I get on well with my stepson, but don't have anything to do with his mum and have perfected getting on with my life without giving her a second thought (she is very awkward about contact arrangements and since this is a situation I can't influence, I don't want to waste time dwelling on it). I certainly don't want to know anything about her pregnancy and labour.

Sorry, I've gone on a bit, but any advice appreciated!

OP posts:

dd666 · 21/11/2007 15:50

its ok its naturall perhaps just remind him this time round its different

dooley1 · 21/11/2007 15:51

I thin ou are being unreasonable. Of course the birth of his son is a happy memory for him... it would be odd if it weren't. And you being pregnant will remind him of when his son was born. It's about him and his son not so much him and his ex imo

Desiderata · 21/11/2007 15:54

Oh dear. This doesn't bode well for the future, does it?

I have four step-children, so I know how difficult it can be ... or feel to be. But you must try to conquer these feelings. Your dh has another child. That's the reality, and any attempt to 'airbrush' him out, even ever so slightly, will be met by strong resistance from your dh.

They are both his children and he will love them equally. As you would your own.

I'm sorry if this isn't helpful to you, but it's the reality as I see it. Good luck with your pregnancy!

Mistymoo · 21/11/2007 15:54

Isn't he right to have happy memories of birth of his son? It doesn't mean he's not interested in your baby toegther. It's good to know that he had such a nice experience with his son and is looking forward to having it again. We all have different pasts and they all produce different memories.

noddyholder · 21/11/2007 15:56

The reality is he already has experienced parenthood and you have to accept it.He sounds like it was positive for him and he shouldn't be made to feel bad for having fond memories of his son You should be grateful he sounds great!

FAWKEOFFwiththetinsel · 21/11/2007 15:58

i think its selfish of you to want him to dismiss memories of his sons birth just because you dont like it.he will love the child you have together as much as your stepson, but do not make him feel like he has to choose

ScoobyDoo · 21/11/2007 15:59

Sorry but i agree you are being unreasonable, of course he will have happy memories of his son being born i think it is a bit different to a trip to paris with an ex, its his son.

However he does not need to talk about his ex's birth with you but i am sure it is hard for him is well, because being at your childs birth is a major thing & very special.

I do know how you feel as i have a step-son too & have nothing to do with his mother as she is very very awkward & nasty.

corblimeycharlie · 21/11/2007 15:59

I'm afraid you are being unreasonable. You presumably knew when you married he had a child and cannot and must not be forgotten in the same way as an ex would be in your example, it just isn't the same.
THB I would be more worried about a man who didn't talk about his children - some fathers seem to "move on" without a backward glance to their "old life".

MarkStretch · 21/11/2007 16:01

I don't think you are being unresonable. I am going through fertility treatment with my DP who has gone through it previously with his ex and I've told him if he makes any comparisons or says 'well we did it this way' I will scream!

I think it just means that we want these experiences to be personal to us and don't want to hear about it with 'the ex'.

Its nice he thinks fondly of those times but it probably is to do with his feelings for his son rather than his ex right? I have heard about my DP's birth experience with his ex-p and now wish I hadn't!

CrushWithEyeliner · 21/11/2007 16:10

i don't think yabu. I wouldn't want to hear about the good memories of his old life either - can't you tell hm to keep it to himself and focus on you and his new baby?
I am lucky DH didn't refer back in a happy way, although it is v helpful when LOs are ill or you are unsure of what to do that they have been there before so they can help in a positive way...
good luck

lulumama · 21/11/2007 16:14

you cannot compare the birth of a child to memories of an ex

his child will always be a part of your lives and you are being unreasonable to ask him to not talk about the birth, which would have been a monumental day in his life.

the birth is still a part of your DHs life as is the resulting stepchild.

Baffy · 21/11/2007 16:20

agree with lulu

there is no comparison between the birth of his son and memories of an ex

this baby is as much his child as your stepson is. and the two children should be equal to him in every way.

he should be allowed to have (and share) fond memories of his son's birth.

however hard you may find it, I think you are being very unreasonable in not allowing him his memories of probably the most important time in his life so far.
(sorry if that's harsh - but that is the reality)

unless he in some way comparing you to his ex of course - that would be out of order. but please allow him to share his memories and experiences. just because it's a part of his life that you would rather block out, doesn't mean it didn't happen

ProfessorGrammaticus · 21/11/2007 16:23

His stepson is HIS CHILD. Soon you will understand how massive that is! You can't expect him not to talk about it.

scorpio1 · 21/11/2007 16:23

i think you need to seperate the birth of his child from her, iyswim? i am a step-mother too, who is now pg with dp's and mine 2nd baby, fourth overall. I seperate them easily now-im well practised!

Dss is dp's PFB, and always will be-but we have seperate special memories too. Maybe you being pg is re-affirming his love of being a father and of babies.

i also however do understand your feelings, it can m,ake you feel a bit wobbly sometimes

meemar · 21/11/2007 16:25

Agree with Desiderata and Lulumama

Twinkie1 · 21/11/2007 16:30

Just sell the steson and then you won;t have to even think about hw another of his children came into the world!

Of course you are being unreasonable you met a man with a child and all the baggage and that includes his birth that he beings with him!

ConnorTraceptive · 21/11/2007 16:32

You shouldn't have got involved with a man who had a child from a previous marriage if you can't handle it.

He's entitled to his memories.

I know you're hormonal but get over it.

Santasmissyontheside · 21/11/2007 16:32

I don't think you are. I have now had two dd's and i now have serious problems when it comes to dss and the ex.

It upsets me hugely and i hated to hear about their first born. i'm not going to get into all my problems as it'll never end. But when i became pg with first i became very down about the whole thing.

Its stupid because i don't know what i expect dh to do. I just struggle deeply to accept his previous life and the fact that will always be part of my life.

So you are not alone.

Santasmissyontheside · 21/11/2007 16:36

I just want to add that i was perfectly fine before i had my dc. So when people say you shouldn't have got involved with someone who comes with baggage i find it upsetting. We all cope with things differently.

Original poster

Ernestina · 21/11/2007 16:36

Thanks for the responses - it's kind of difficult to know when you're being unreasonable with all these hormones swimming around - but I guess you're right. So glad I checked with some rational unpregnant people before talking to dh!

Just to clarify, I'm not trying to "airbrush" out my stepson - I love having him around. I think part of why I resent dh talking about the birth is the way he implies it's not that big a deal and I don't have anything to worry about. It's alright for him - he's not the one who has to give birth!

OP posts:

fireflyfairy2 · 21/11/2007 16:37

New born pictures, they reminded him of his newborn son & how much love he had (still has) for the baby.

I think it's great that he can remember how happy he was when his son was born.

Seperate it from his feeling about his ex.

He can divorce himself from his ex but his love for his son will always remain the same & this, I think, is a good thing

Bouncingturtle · 21/11/2007 16:38

I would have thought that it might be reassuring to know your dp knows what to expect, and be able to offer you better support for the birth and after. My DH only saw his son, my dss, when he was 3 weeks old (he and his exp split up before they knew she was pg and she didn't want to resume the relationship), but I value his memories of when dss was very tiny - plus I know he is an expert nappy changer .
I know it's hard and maybe you feel he is comparing you to his ex, but he is entitled to enjoy the memories of his son's birth as he will enjoy the expreience and memories of your lo's arrival.

Bouncingturtle · 21/11/2007 16:42

If it helps I'm also expecting our first baby. I think I do understand where you are coming from regarding his relaxed attitude (posted before I saw your last post). Maybe you need to discuss your worries with regards to your birth with him. I had dss's mum regale me stories of dss's birth (she had to have an em c/s after a very traumatic labour) but I haven't let it worry me too much. I just take it the same way as other people who have also given me way too mych TMI about their own birth stories!

Original poster

Ernestina · 21/11/2007 16:56

Bouncingturtle - thanks for your comments - it definitely is reassuring that he knows what to expect and he is great at handling babies. Ditto the nappy changing!

I actually stop people now before they can tell me their horrific birth stories as had far too much scary information already, thanks very much!

Thanks to everyone for the advice - as someone with no children of my own (yet) it's sometimes hard to get where my dh is coming from, so it's really helpful to hear from people with kids who can set me straight.

OP posts:

TellusMater · 21/11/2007 17:01

Perhaps he thinks he is being reassuring. DH didn't have any children, but assured me that he knew what was going on and it would all be fine because he had done lambing.

I was not reassured

Flip

1 2 3