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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Pregnant and don't want to hear anything about the birth of my stepson - am I being unreasonable?

57 replies

Ernestina · 21/11/2007 15:47

My dh is generally very sensitive to my feelings but I've told him I don't want "the benefit of his experience" from the birth of his son and would prefer him not to mention it at all. Yet he still comes out with little things I'd rather not know.

Most recently he said all the pictures of birth and newborn babies at the antenatal class brought back happy memories for him. Hello?! Surely this would be the same as me saying something like, oh, this trip to Paris is bringing back happy memories of when I was here with my ex.

Or am I being unreasonable?

Just for background info, I get on well with my stepson, but don't have anything to do with his mum and have perfected getting on with my life without giving her a second thought (she is very awkward about contact arrangements and since this is a situation I can't influence, I don't want to waste time dwelling on it). I certainly don't want to know anything about her pregnancy and labour.

Sorry, I've gone on a bit, but any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ernestina · 21/11/2007 17:14

LOL at lambing!

OP posts:
gizmo · 21/11/2007 17:19

Ernestina.

Just wondering...are you anxious about being compared with XP during birth? It's so easy to absorb the idea that there's a right or wrong way to give birth that a lot of women suffer from some sort of performance anxiety before their first baby, and it's worse, I think, if you feel you're going to be compared to someone..a sibling, an XP, a friend, anyone, really.

TellusMater · 21/11/2007 17:29

a ewe...

TheAntiCod · 21/11/2007 17:39

I know what you mean, I was in the same situation. And yes your DH does have another child, and did go through the experience with someone else, as did mine.

Perhaps you're thinking that he will be remembering his x more and you really don't need to hear about the birth of his DS, that is their memories

I asked my DH to make new memories for us of this pregnancy. So instead of saying to me, well WE did such and such in this situation, i suggested he just say... why don't you try x, y, z. As we both knew he'd been through it before, but didn't need to hear about it on a daily basis. This worked really well. And as I've discovered despite him being a parent already, he didn't know jack!

professorplum · 21/11/2007 17:43

I totally understand why you are upset. A friend of mine is a second wife and her dh talked about his first wedding all the way through the planning of their wedding and then did the same with her pregnancy. You did know what you were getting into but with such a special time in your life it would be lovely if you could experience all the 'firsts' together. People can be very competative with their pregnancies and boast about how little pain relief they needed and how much blood they lost and what troopers they all were. Its not nice being compared to strangers but its horific being compared to an ex. Obviously this child isn't more or less special than his other son but an attitude of 'well I've done this before so my opinion counts more/I know better/this isn't as special for me' is very upsetting. esp when your hormonal.

Anna8888 · 21/11/2007 17:46

Ernestina - You are not being unreasonable.

I also have heard my partner come out on occasion with memories of the births of his sons (my stepsons) and I don't like it at all. I would have not been able to stand it when I was pregnant.

Original poster
Ernestina · 21/11/2007 17:48

gizmo I don't think so, because I don't really compare myself to her - down that route madness lies. I'm certain I will make more fuss than a ewe but luckily my dh is not from a farming background...

TBH, I don't think my feelings are coming from anywhere rational or logical - I'm just feeling overwhelmed and emotional right now - and feeling a bit cheated that pregnancy isn't the easy ride everyone made it out to be!

Thanks to those who obviously get where I'm coming from but I think I'm going to talk to my dh when he gets home and apologise for the way I've been. I guess if he wants to tell me about the birth of his son he's perfectly entitled to and it's not really anything to do with him reminiscing about his ex, just about the magical experience of birth.

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 21/11/2007 17:56

As everyone has said, and you seem to realize, it's unreasonable to expect your husband to treat his new child differently from his existing one. They are/will be both equally his.
I would also advise using your dh's knowledge and experience. My dh had had 3 children before we had our 2 and it was so amazingly helpful to have a husband who knew what to do. When I was about 8 months pregnant I went out and bought 2 little onesies for the baby and a pack of newborn diapers and thought I was ready. Luckily dh knew better and frogmarched me out to buy way way more basic stuff and steered my away from all the silly things that you never end up using. I ended up having an emergency cs and couldn't do any shopping for a month, so it was a good thing I had it all already. And he knew just what to do with a crying baby and hormonal wife (hormones don't stop when you give birth). Dh's exes are pretty awful, one is evil and the other is just not my cup of tea and his memories of their childbirths were really irrelevant to mine, but his memories of what to do with the babies were invaluable.

Anna8888 · 21/11/2007 18:00

SofiaAmes - quite understand your point.

But how would you have felt (did you feel) if your DH had described pushing the mother's stomach, the position she was in to give birth, seeing the baby's head emerge - and how it put him off her sexually?

Babycare experience is one thing...

bohemianbint · 21/11/2007 18:03

I wouldn't like it.

My step-mum got such a bee in her bonnet about how my mother had a natural birth she half killed herself having my sister the same way, despite the fact that my sister was back to back and massive. Would have been better if she'd known nothing about it!

littlerach · 21/11/2007 18:16

ernestina, I htink it sound slike hormonal worrying really.

Dds love to hear about when they were born, and love ot hear about when dh's other 2 were born too. I have come to accept that they are part of him, not his ex, if that makes ense?

You sound like you really accept your dh's past, and your dss.

Good luck with it all.

PS Dd1 saw a lamb being born on her 5th birthday and was amazed. Then she asked if it was like that when i had her!!!

bohemianbint · 21/11/2007 18:22

It's probably not relevant here but just wondering what would happen if your DP and his ex had had different approaches to parenting than you do? Would you find yourself bowing to "experience" even if it contradicted what you wanted to do?

Don't mind me, just wondering aloud...

SofiaAmes · 21/11/2007 20:14

Anna8888, I wouldn't like it one bit, but I wouldn't have a child with a man who was that thoughtless. There is a huge difference between what you are describing and what the OP described. If you had asked if it was reasonable to be upset by your scenario, I would have said yes.

SofiaAmes · 21/11/2007 20:19

bhomeianbint, actually I had just the situation you are describing, except that I listened to what my dh had to say and then chose to do it differently. He has instead, realized that he prefers my approach to parenting. But none of that negates the usefulness of having a husband who had already been through the experience of childbirth (the man's version that is) and having a newborn in the house. Having one sane, calm person in the household (dh) gave me enough breathing space to think rationally and I think helped me figure out how I wanted to parent without just being totally overwhelmed by the everyday basics like how to change a nappy and what to do when they don't stop crying and how to carry them and how not to worry about every last little thing.

margoandjerry · 21/11/2007 20:31

My general reaction to any jealousy type feelings related to previous relationships is - GOI - Get Over It. On the basis that you are lucky to have a nice relationship and grown ups accept that the whole world doesn't always always always revolve around them.

However, I actually think it's annoying for any pg woman to be told "when I went through this it was like this and therefore I know everything about it". If it's that that you're reacting to, then fair enough. You want to feel that this is just as magical and exciting to your dp as it was the first time and if he needs to moderate his language to reassure you of this then it's worth mentioning it.

But your dp having wonderful memories of his son's birth? You need to be grown up and accept it. I think you have already actually, judging by your very sensible responses on here.

Anna8888 · 22/11/2007 07:05

SofiaAmes - I just think that if the OP doesn't "nip it in the bud" her DP might think it's OK to talk about every aspect of his experience of fatherhood and childbirth with his former partner. So I would be very clear with him that it's not.

I agree it would be thoughtless, but men don't necessarily "get" the feelings women have around childbirth.

SofiaAmes · 22/11/2007 07:32

Nip what in the bud? Her husband's love for his child. I think it's out of order and it seems, so does the OP.

Discussing your sexlife with a previous partner is tacky and inappropriate whether or not your current partner is pregnant and hormonal. I think men are pretty bad at some things, but I certainly wouldn't attribute tacky and inappropriate as classic male traits...

VictorianSqualor · 22/11/2007 08:10

I think there are different things about old relationships you should be able to talk about with your partner, I have 2 children with an exdp and am pregnant with my current dps child.

I talk about my previous pregnancies and labour/birth etc, the OP's partner should be able to do the same. In his eyes, it will be very similar, although it is a different woman it is still his child.

Of course, by all means tell him you'd prefer him not to mention things about his ex, personal things, but the actual baby is different.

sandcastles · 22/11/2007 08:15

CrushWithEyeliner, you can't have it both ways!

He's not allowed to speak about his children's 'big moments' births etc, but when your & his children are ill you expect him to step up & tell you how to deal with it?

Surely that is a contridiction?

Baffy · 22/11/2007 09:41

Ernestina glad you took the comments here so well. I hope your talk with dh went well last night.

CrushWithEyeliner · 22/11/2007 11:43

How is that contradictory SC? He can offer practical help to his new wife without remenicing over the good times having a baby with his ex, thus making her feel bad. It's insensitive to refer to time with your ex as "happy memories" - keep it to yourself even if you feel that is so, surely?

Prunie · 22/11/2007 11:51

If the birth of his stepson went well, maybe there's something to learn from that? Just as there might be from anyone's positive experience of birth.
It will still be 'your' birth and your child's - talking about how your stepson was born won't affect that.

threegirls · 22/11/2007 11:59

To be honest, I don't think you are being unreasonable, I would be exactly the same. Yes, your hormones are probably playing a part, but I can understand that this is your first time with him and you don't want to feel like you are reminding him of when he went through it with his ex partner. By expecting him to think of this as a new experience you are doing nothing wrong, it is new, he has never had a child with YOU before. Of course you are not belitting his feelings for his son, you are obviously clever enough to know he will have the same feelings for both children, but you just don't want constant reminders of times that him and his ex shared. I have just had a baby with someone after having two with my ex husband and there is no way I would of constantly talked to the present father about memories me and my husband shared!

Carmenere · 22/11/2007 12:03

Ok I haven't read the thread but I have been in your shoes. DP has five dc's with dd being the fifth, he is a very hands on dad and so whether I like it or not he has a huge and valuable bank of information on childbirth and childrearing.
His ex just popped out her babies at home and I spent days in hideous labour in hospital. It will always be a unique experience to you both no matter what happens.
And it took me a while to realise that when he went on about births ect, he wasn't talking about his ex he was talking about his babies whom he adores. You can't expect him to not talk about the first moments/weeks of his ds's life, it is an amazing experience and should never be brushed aside. He doesn't mean to sideline you, I'm sure of it.

The other major plus about having an experienced dad as a partner is that it really does help when you are worrying about the PFB first things that happen. He will more than likely have a bit of perspective about things and remain a bit calmer, at least my dp did, he was/is wonderful and he is the main reason that I am a happy and relaxed confident parent. Because he has taught me to be Good luck with the pregnancy x

bamboostalks · 25/11/2007 18:30

I have been in your shoes ernestina and did not like it at all, told dh not to be such a know it all at nct classes as it was really annoying me. He also kept wittering on about ex being a trouper in labour and not needing pain relief etc. I told him I did not want to hear it. Inevitably though they will make comparisons as the babies grow etc and that is the way it is.