What do you think? Clingy adult stepdaughter

[foodiefil]

My stepdaughter is 23 and for the last year has been at home studying for her degree- which is really unfortunate because at any other time she'd be able to enjoy uni life on campus but the pandemic obviously stopped that.

She comes to ours 3x a week.

She's always been quite clingy/needy but this is escalating.

Dh finds it stressful.

Examples:

• DH & I are sitting on one couch, SD turns up and balances herself next to DH at the end of the couch - leaving a full couch empty. This eventually develops into legs on DH until he had to ask her to move them because he was uncomfortable.

• calling him daddy.

• lots of random hugs and kisses for my DH and her forehead on his forehead for short chats.

• if we're in the kitchen sorting out a meal or leave the room for any reason she'll follow and find us.

• has to be involved in every conversation - even really mundane ones about stupid things like the washer being finished "what?".

• general poor personal space awareness.

I don't think there's anything I can do to deal with this I think it needs to come from DH but I just wondered what other people thought and if they had any similar experience/advice.

I have a good relationship with SD, it's not always been that way but we do get on and I love her and care for her.

This eventually develops into legs on DH until he had to ask her to move them because he was uncomfortable. Ewww. Just no.

Would she do this with ‘Daddy’ in front of her own boyfriend? Highly doubt it. So annoying. What is it with girls sometimes and their Dad who’s got a new wife?

We had 21 year old SD live with us for 6 months full time this year, whilst at college. She had a lot of anxiety. But she’d phoned him constantly in the night. She’s never do that to her mum!

@SpaceshiptoMars I’m not sure the special needs ‘support’ is going to help - it will just excuse the behaviour. It’s an unhealthy dynamic between them and they both allowed this to happen. Needy Dad meets needy daughter basically. Needy daughter is directly competing in the step mums territory. So wearing and annoying.

OP if I were you I’d be a bit hard ball about this. I’d say your DH needs to sort it out or you are not comfortable with her coming, full stop. Honestly she’s 23, and he should be drawing up good boundaries every single time. You can’t do it for them. But you can say the limits that you’ll put up with.

does she help with household tasks while she is there, or is she treated like an honoured guest, and maybe babyfied a little consequently.
can you both try to involve her eg washing up, cooking together, shopping, and cleaning the loo/bathroom.
think the lack of flushing loo needs to be pointed out; try a matter of fact tone, at first, oh i thought you'd finished in the loo- i have- you forgot to flush it.
if she still fails to do it, point out hygiene imperative, and responsibility when living with others.
basically could you both try expecting more of her.
if this behaviour goes on she may become one of those seemingly clever on paper people who can never hold down a job, or friendships, because she does not observe the ordinary norms of adult life.
the confabulations are concerning too. maybe not challenge them yet.

We are having this issue now she’s 4 please don’t tell me this goes ok forever

I was reading this message last night and some of it struck a chord as to how I behaved in my early twenties. I hope I never failed to flush the loo(!) but I was definitely clingy and needy at home with my parents and I know I did lots of other thoughtless things which I have since apologised for.

I was quite unhappy. I’d left my first proper job because of a bullying boss and I didn’t really know what to do in terms of career. I’d had my heart broken, my finances were in a mess and it felt like all my friends were embarking on glittering careers and fabulous relationships and living in really fun house shares. I think I felt worthless and the only way to push those thoughts down was to try and be involved in every conversation, control my eating and exaggerate stories because my own life was so boring. My parents were/are fabulous, but I never talked to them about these feelings and I’m sure they found my behaviour annoying and self indulgent. At that time I would have loved to have been a child again and not had the pressure of these ‘big worries’ and I wonder if that’s partly what’s happening with your SD.

It must be incredibly difficult to be a young person at the moment. The world has been turned upside down and lots of the things most teens/early twenty-somethings usually take for granted (going out, meeting new people, travel, further education etc.) have been taken away or somehow compromised in the last fourteen months. It’s all very well that we are coming out of lockdown but they haven’t been given a road map as to how to behave in this new world.

While her behaviour must make her hard to live with and obviously needs addressing, you sound like a loving and kind step mother and I’m not convinced playing hard ball is the answer. I agree with PPs that therapy or life coaching could be really helpful to your SD. If this is not possible would you and your husband consider asking her how she really is? Maybe she needs her parents’ compassionate wisdom in order to help her move on to a more independent stage in her life.

[quote WalkthisWayUK]@SpaceshiptoMars I’m not sure the special needs ‘support’ is going to help - it will just excuse the behaviour. It’s an unhealthy dynamic between them and they both allowed this to happen. Needy Dad meets needy daughter basically. Needy daughter is directly competing in the step mums territory. So wearing and annoying.

OP if I were you I’d be a bit hard ball about this. I’d say your DH needs to sort it out or you are not comfortable with her coming, full stop. Honestly she’s 23, and he should be drawing up good boundaries every single time. You can’t do it for them. But you can say the limits that you’ll put up with.[/quote]
Thanks Walk. Good luck with your situation. It is really tiring isn't it. And annoying.

@alexdgr8

does she help with household tasks while she is there, or is she treated like an honoured guest, and maybe babyfied a little consequently. can you both try to involve her eg washing up, cooking together, shopping, and cleaning the loo/bathroom. think the lack of flushing loo needs to be pointed out; try a matter of fact tone, at first, oh i thought you'd finished in the loo- i have- you forgot to flush it. if she still fails to do it, point out hygiene imperative, and responsibility when living with others. basically could you both try expecting more of her. if this behaviour goes on she may become one of those seemingly clever on paper people who can never hold down a job, or friendships, because she does not observe the ordinary norms of adult life. the confabulations are concerning too. maybe not challenge them yet.

Nailed it with the honoured guest comment. Waited on hand and foot. Right she's coming tonight. I've said to DH we're asking her to help with things.

@Gunpowder

I was reading this message last night and some of it struck a chord as to how I behaved in my early twenties. I hope I never failed to flush the loo(!) but I was definitely clingy and needy at home with my parents and I know I did lots of other thoughtless things which I have since apologised for.

I was quite unhappy. I’d left my first proper job because of a bullying boss and I didn’t really know what to do in terms of career. I’d had my heart broken, my finances were in a mess and it felt like all my friends were embarking on glittering careers and fabulous relationships and living in really fun house shares. I think I felt worthless and the only way to push those thoughts down was to try and be involved in every conversation, control my eating and exaggerate stories because my own life was so boring. My parents were/are fabulous, but I never talked to them about these feelings and I’m sure they found my behaviour annoying and self indulgent. At that time I would have loved to have been a child again and not had the pressure of these ‘big worries’ and I wonder if that’s partly what’s happening with your SD.

It must be incredibly difficult to be a young person at the moment. The world has been turned upside down and lots of the things most teens/early twenty-somethings usually take for granted (going out, meeting new people, travel, further education etc.) have been taken away or somehow compromised in the last fourteen months. It’s all very well that we are coming out of lockdown but they haven’t been given a road map as to how to behave in this new world.

While her behaviour must make her hard to live with and obviously needs addressing, you sound like a loving and kind step mother and I’m not convinced playing hard ball is the answer. I agree with PPs that therapy or life coaching could be really helpful to your SD. If this is not possible would you and your husband consider asking her how she really is? Maybe she needs her parents’ compassionate wisdom in order to help her move on to a more independent stage in her life.

Thank you so much for this insight. I'm sorry you had a hard time in your early 20s. A lot of it sounds similar. She always says about her friends who have boyfriends or have bought houses with their boyfriends (already, I know!).

I'm thinking of asking her to do something just me and her. Possibly with DSS's girlfriend who we are both close to.

I'm happy to ask her to do a bit more round the house when she's here and to flush the loo but couldn't really play hard ball. She's just so sensitive.

I don't think calling her actual dad " daddy" is a massive deal, or the affection ...only if he's bothered i spose. Hugs with adult kids are normal aren't they? Does it come across as inappropriate ?

@malificent7

I don't think calling her actual dad " daddy" is a massive deal, or the affection ...only if he's bothered i spose. Hugs with adult kids are normal aren't they? Does it come across as inappropriate ?

Yes hugs are totally normal and welcomed.

The excessive affection looks/feels forced. DH says so. It's deliberate.

It does sound a bit like she’s marking her territory with her dad. There’s elements of flirtatiousness that’s making both of you uncomfortable. I think that needs to be addressed immediately. (Also comments about the friends boyfriends, etc… She’s feeling the lack of the same.) The lying and attention-seeking are making me wonder if she doesn’t have a borderline personality disorder. You need to get DH on board and set VERY clear boundaries in your home about what is to be expected from an adult member of the family. The forehead behaviour is to exclude you (overly controlling and intimate) and must be stopped. Your DH should just say something like “What are you doing? It’s weird.” and step back, holding his arm out to show a normal personal space for conversation then say, “There, that’s better! What did you want to say?” and be consistent about it every single time. All of her behaviours are pushing you out of her intimate circle with her dad, and making you her housekeeper.

I suspect she is beginning to wonder what happens to her after Uni. Whether she can handle applying for jobs, job interviews, and whether she can hold down a full time job. Her behaviour with dad could be a bit 'look after me Daddy, I'm too young to be an adult'.

Can she drive? Cook? Fill in forms for herself? Organize herself to see the doctor? Has she ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend?

@SpaceshiptoMars

I suspect she is beginning to wonder what happens to her after Uni. Whether she can handle applying for jobs, job interviews, and whether she can hold down a full time job. Her behaviour with dad could be a bit 'look after me Daddy, I'm too young to be an adult'.

Can she drive? Cook? Fill in forms for herself? Organize herself to see the doctor? Has she ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Thank you @SpaceshiptoMars

Yes she can drive. Has use of a car. She had a long term boyfriend she split up from in first of uni followed by another 9 month relationship with a boy from uni who broke her heart and nobody since. She's an intelligent young woman but emotionally quite immature.

I just want her to be happy. I think if she was truly happy these behaviours would vanish. And I want her to see me as an ally and not a threat. It's hard, I just don't know what to do for the best and I'm not her mum so don't want to cross the line with intruding in how she lives her life despite knowing her for a long time.

I have autism. I never hugged my dad ever. I still can't hug my mum. I always felt / feel a lot younger than I was though. I didn't move out until I was 26.

She's just so sensitive

Well this is probably because nobody ever expected anything of her, and the lack of dh being able to actually talk to her in an honest and transparent manner.

If not when she’s in her almost mid 20s, I wonder when.

I think your idea about social stuff could help, in that she could open up to you and if there is anything that’s causing this issue it may come to light

But absolutely you will have to call her out on the toilet- you and h need both to raise this as and when. Not making a huge deal of anything, but it’s got to stop

I think having a word with her mother might be worthwhile too