What do you think? Clingy adult stepdaughter

[foodiefil]

My stepdaughter is 23 and for the last year has been at home studying for her degree- which is really unfortunate because at any other time she'd be able to enjoy uni life on campus but the pandemic obviously stopped that.

She comes to ours 3x a week.

She's always been quite clingy/needy but this is escalating.

Dh finds it stressful.

Examples:

• DH & I are sitting on one couch, SD turns up and balances herself next to DH at the end of the couch - leaving a full couch empty. This eventually develops into legs on DH until he had to ask her to move them because he was uncomfortable.

• calling him daddy.

• lots of random hugs and kisses for my DH and her forehead on his forehead for short chats.

• if we're in the kitchen sorting out a meal or leave the room for any reason she'll follow and find us.

• has to be involved in every conversation - even really mundane ones about stupid things like the washer being finished "what?".

• general poor personal space awareness.

I don't think there's anything I can do to deal with this I think it needs to come from DH but I just wondered what other people thought and if they had any similar experience/advice.

I have a good relationship with SD, it's not always been that way but we do get on and I love her and care for her.

@foodiefil, I can't recommend any resources, as I'm not an expert. I have recently done a bit of Googling for myself and DCs and picked up a rough overview from different resources. To be honest I didn't find very much that is easily accessible.

ok thank you @Velvian I'll see what I can find

I don't think it's anything to do with additional needs. She probably feels a bit pushed out and jealous.

Is she an only child, or the only daughter?

but it's said in a childlike way rather than that's just what she calls him. Which is why it's noticeable when she reverts to that, if you know what I mean.

Sounds like some attention seeking. She's trying to let him know she's still his little girl.

I wondered about asd too... Just a couple of things you've written. This might be helpful and gets good reviews thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/
Does she have hobbies and interests that are opening up again?

I think at 23 she is overstepping her boundaries a bit. Maybe she feels a bit left out if her friends all have BF and she hasnt .Many girls /boys can be high acheiving and still be on the spectrum .Elon Musk recently said that he is autistic! Maybe just cut her a little slack for now.Could you arrange some outings maybe ? All of you ,or just you ,or DH one at a time? Hopefully as things settle down she will be out with her chums again ,meet a nice boy ? fingers crossed !

Is the plan for her to get a house share at uni next year? It must be hard for her to adjust to being an adult when she's still at home.

@SandyY2K

I don't think it's anything to do with additional needs. She probably feels a bit pushed out and jealous.

Is she an only child, or the only daughter?

Only daughter yes. I think this might be it.

"She's trying to let him know she's still his little girl." - yep. I agree. Which she absolutely is and Dh loves her very much but is a bit uncomfortable with the level of affection. It's not him.

thank you @Misty9 I'll have a read. I just want to understand her as best I can - I'm still figuring her out and I've been in her life for 10 years!

@dottiedodah definitely going to arrange some outings. We have an occasion coming up so I could go shopping with her and treat her and I've suggested to dh he and her do something just them that's a shared interest between them.

@ThatIsMyPotato I don't think so at the moment but we'll see, I know she wants to get back to her university town.

Are these issues new? Or an amalgamation of years of little things being missed?
Is she like this at her mums? Or is the behaviour contained around your DH?

@sassbott

Are these issues new? Or an amalgamation of years of little things being missed? Is she like this at her mums? Or is the behaviour contained around your DH?

not new. I'd describe this as a flare up of pre-existing issues. I don't know what she's like at her mum's with her and her stepdad.

I've no way of knowing if this applies, but younger teen girls (11-13) often go through a daddy fase. They test their ability to communicate (wrap around their little finger) over the top closeness on their dads (not inappropriately). It's part of their path to dealing with men/boyfriends and at the same time exploring competing for attention with other females (you). As your dsd seems to be very immature and not having a boyfriend, could this be what she is reverting to, when she is not in a good place?

foodiefil Yes that sounds great! A little retail therapy is always good . I think you sound like a really good Stepmum TBH .Its not easy and you seem to genuinely care about her ,shes lucky to have you!

@dottiedodah

@Giantrooster

I've no way of knowing if this applies, but younger teen girls (11-13) often go through a daddy fase. They test their ability to communicate (wrap around their little finger) over the top closeness on their dads (not inappropriately). It's part of their path to dealing with men/boyfriends and at the same time exploring competing for attention with other females (you). As your dsd seems to be very immature and not having a boyfriend, could this be what she is reverting to, when she is not in a good place?

wow this is interesting! yes this might be what she is reverting to. I just don't know what to do to make her feel better and that I'm not competition!

Usually you should (with the 11-13 year olds) just ignore the behavior, it is then followed swiftly by full blown teenage stroppiness and resentment.

As for your dsd, I wouldn't call her out on it and embarrass her. But she clearly needs age appropriate company and I would work hard on making her socialize. Hopefully it will blow over, what I find concerning is how immature she sounds, how is her way with friends/socializing normally? If it's ok wait for society to normalize and send her on her way. If not, I would talk it over with her mum and then a councellor.

@Giantrooster

Usually you should (with the 11-13 year olds) just ignore the behavior, it is then followed swiftly by full blown teenage stroppiness and resentment.

As for your dsd, I wouldn't call her out on it and embarrass her. But she clearly needs age appropriate company and I would work hard on making her socialize. Hopefully it will blow over, what I find concerning is how immature she sounds, how is her way with friends/socializing normally? If it's ok wait for society to normalize and send her on her way. If not, I would talk it over with her mum and then a councellor.

i think a lack of age appropriate company has definitely been an issue this past year. i've felt really bad for her on that front. her brother has a gf so it's not the same for him. she's always had some trouble with her friendships. she has a good set of friends but there's often been conflict with her not understanding what she's done wrong. we don't understand either. she can be a bit too keen to please and i think among young women that can come across as a weakness. but i think her friends do treat her well.

@PoppysMummy2021

Hmm I read the first bullet point and I have to be honest, I instantly thought I’d this a jealous step mum. However I carried on reading your posts and replies to others ... you really do sound like you love her and want the best for your family!

And some of these points are just strange. The daddy, the period/poo toilet bowl situation. It’s a step way too far and some may even say gross. It’s clearly making you feel uncomfortable.

In terms of the name calling her dad ‘daddy’ she’s actually correct, he is her dad. Little girls always call their dad daddy so the fact she is doing this at 23 may show her vulnerable side and the fact she still majorly looks up to his dad and still wants that close bond of being his little girl. I think our society today has over sexualised the word daddy.

Maybe if you speak to her yourself, woman to woman, about the period blood situation then she may not do it again. X

I wondered if the period stuff was marking her territory or showing her womanliness? I find it bizarre and yeah it's gross, I don't like seeing it.

yes you're right about the word daddy. x

Re. the period thing, several posters on MN have complained about their teens having sanitary towels laying for all to see including old ones in their bedrooms. Apparently some teens don't give a tosh .

I would call her out on the not flushing, just ask her if she would find it appropriate, if it were you.

If you look at it this way, we are all animals, she is marking her territory in different ways. It's just very late for her to behave like this and she really should be making these experiences with people her age of both sexes.

How about a balanced approach? Can your DH not make a space for her on the sofa so she feels included? But if she tries to talk to him with foreheads pushed together he could put his hands on her shoulders and push her away gently telling her “I can’t talk to you like this” and offer to sit and chat with her more easily. She does sound young and a bit lost. If everyone she knows, including her dad, is in a relationship (even if you’ve been around for ages it’s still “a relationship” rather than “my parents”) she might just need to belong and to have some physical contact with people.

Not flushing the loo, he needs to have a word with her.

Joining in on conversations, just be airy about it and say “nothing for you to worry about” or “just dull domestics” or even, get her to do the task she’s so interested in … you: “washers finished” her: “what?” You: “yeah washers finished can you empty it for me please?”

@Giantrooster

Re. the period thing, several posters on MN have complained about their teens having sanitary towels laying for all to see including old ones in their bedrooms. Apparently some teens don't give a tosh .

I would call her out on the not flushing, just ask her if she would find it appropriate, if it were you.

If you look at it this way, we are all animals, she is marking her territory in different ways. It's just very late for her to behave like this and she really should be making these experiences with people her age of both sexes.

yes i think she's spent a lot of time with us over the last year so hasn't had the chance to make those experiences with people her own age. i'll try and find a way to call her out on the not flushing.

@Szyz2020

How about a balanced approach? Can your DH not make a space for her on the sofa so she feels included? But if she tries to talk to him with foreheads pushed together he could put his hands on her shoulders and push her away gently telling her “I can’t talk to you like this” and offer to sit and chat with her more easily. She does sound young and a bit lost. If everyone she knows, including her dad, is in a relationship (even if you’ve been around for ages it’s still “a relationship” rather than “my parents”) she might just need to belong and to have some physical contact with people.

Not flushing the loo, he needs to have a word with her.

Joining in on conversations, just be airy about it and say “nothing for you to worry about” or “just dull domestics” or even, get her to do the task she’s so interested in … you: “washers finished” her: “what?” You: “yeah washers finished can you empty it for me please?”

yes so accommodate some of it but not all of it. i think she is young and lost. and i know what you mean it's definitely her dad in a relationship and her seeing that and how we interact. we aren't overly affectionate btw just in general.

My dd calls me mama, nothing wrong with daddy. The other things are concerning though, she sounds like she's really not coping mentally. My dd is a similar age and we've had lots of issues including some of the ones you describe @foodiefil We've had bed wetting m, refusing personal hygiene etc on top. My dd is under a mental health team though.

I would suggest talking to her mum, is there issues there too? My ex can't cope with my dd

some people are more clingy than others, well into adulthood. Im not sure its something you can teach her at this stage. I would hope at home is where she can be herself the most, but I can imagine it does get a bit much. Hopefully she will move out soon.

@motogogo

My dd calls me mama, nothing wrong with daddy. The other things are concerning though, she sounds like she's really not coping mentally. My dd is a similar age and we've had lots of issues including some of the ones you describe *@foodiefil* We've had bed wetting m, refusing personal hygiene etc on top. My dd is under a mental health team though.

I would suggest talking to her mum, is there issues there too? My ex can't cope with my dd

I'm really sorry to hear that about your dd, that sounds very stressful. I think we should speak to her mum. I think it needs both households to be aware and a joint approach to help her feel more secure.