What do you think? Clingy adult stepdaughter

[foodiefil]

My stepdaughter is 23 and for the last year has been at home studying for her degree- which is really unfortunate because at any other time she'd be able to enjoy uni life on campus but the pandemic obviously stopped that.

She comes to ours 3x a week.

She's always been quite clingy/needy but this is escalating.

Dh finds it stressful.

Examples:

• DH & I are sitting on one couch, SD turns up and balances herself next to DH at the end of the couch - leaving a full couch empty. This eventually develops into legs on DH until he had to ask her to move them because he was uncomfortable.

• calling him daddy.

• lots of random hugs and kisses for my DH and her forehead on his forehead for short chats.

• if we're in the kitchen sorting out a meal or leave the room for any reason she'll follow and find us.

• has to be involved in every conversation - even really mundane ones about stupid things like the washer being finished "what?".

• general poor personal space awareness.

I don't think there's anything I can do to deal with this I think it needs to come from DH but I just wondered what other people thought and if they had any similar experience/advice.

I have a good relationship with SD, it's not always been that way but we do get on and I love her and care for her.

Actually - this might not be relevant but we have also had some issues with the toilet bowl being unflushed and full of period blood. This happens monthly. One time it was a poo.

That’s quite strange; my DSD went through a stage like that but she was only 6!
I’m going to take a fair guess though that she may be feeling a bit lost/lonely/displaced in terms of not being able to be at uni and having the lifestyle she probably imagined herself to be having. If she was always a bit like that then her coping mechanisms may be to be that way/
Now that things are opening back up is she seeing friends/getting out and about?

Dh said this morning "it would be ok if she was 6" so funny you should say that! Yes I think you're right - that this is her coping mechanism, seeking affection/reassurance/love/attention.
She is thankfully but all of her friends are in long term relationships and she's still playing the tinder game ...

Does it bother DH as much as it bothers you?
I think you're right, he's the only one that can do anything about it and anything he says should be based on how he feels about it

It bothers him more than it bothers me @lucy5236

How is her mental health? Any other different behaviour?

It sounds pretty weird and like he needs to either pull her up on it when she's trying to sit all over him etc - I know my dad would certainly be like "what on earth are you doing??" if I essentially tried to sit on his lap as an adult - or at least have a serious conversation with her about whether she's feeling OK since her behaviour has changed a lot.

I find it bizarre your husband feels uncomfortable sitting next to his own child or having her legs over him?
It’s been a shit year, she’s probably struggling.
How old was she when her parents separated? How often has she seen him since? Could be she really misses her dad.

I don't think her mental health is great.

Overeating, secret snacking (I find wrappers in her bedroom), telling exaggerated stories of things that either haven't happened at all or what actually happened is nothing like the story we get.

@Checkingout811

I find it bizarre your husband feels uncomfortable sitting next to his own child or having her legs over him? It’s been a shit year, she’s probably struggling. How old was she when her parents separated? How often has she seen him since? Could be she really misses her dad.

She was 5. She's seen him several times a week since. A midweek night and every weekend.

She sounds v insecure atm, probably stress and pandemic. My 23 yr old has recently returned home after a breakup and def needs a lot more cuddles. If this is something fairly recent I’d try ‘love bombing’ for a few weeks and just see if it settles down

Sounds like she is struggling from your update. If you’re close, do you think she would open up to you? Would you or your husband be able to speak to her mum?

@HidingFromDD

She sounds v insecure atm, probably stress and pandemic. My 23 yr old has recently returned home after a breakup and def needs a lot more cuddles. If this is something fairly recent I’d try ‘love bombing’ for a few weeks and just see if it settles down

Yeah that's an idea. Any suggestions? Something DH should do on his own with her? Both of us?

Daddy?

Yeah, she needs to grow up.

@Checkingout811

Sounds like she is struggling from your update. If you’re close, do you think she would open up to you? Would you or your husband be able to speak to her mum?

We did have a chat last week about boy stuff. I think he should, they've got a good relationship and she communicates when dsd isn't doing great at her house so think he should do the same when we notice behaviour at ours.

@Doomsdayisstillcoming

Daddy?

Yeah, she needs to grow up.

She's definitely young for her age!

@Bibidy

It sounds pretty weird and like he needs to either pull her up on it when she's trying to sit all over him etc - I know my dad would certainly be like "what on earth are you doing??" if I essentially tried to sit on his lap as an adult - or at least have a serious conversation with her about whether she's feeling OK since her behaviour has changed a lot.

Thanks for your message, my dad would be the same but we're really worried about upsetting her so treading v carefully!

@foodiefil I agree. It’s good they can discuss them and it might really benefit as her mum may of noticed similar changes in behaviour.

Does she have any additional needs?

@Velvian

Does she have any additional needs?

Do you mean SEN? No. She's a high achiever.

You can still be a high achiever with additional needs. Girls especially mask are well known for masking at school

I know it is MN bingo points for suggesting ASD. But have you looked at any information on Autism in women and girls? The fact that she does not seem to get 'normal' boundaries and her mental health is suffering.

Being high achieving obviously does not rule out ASD.

Ahh ok. No I haven't. Any good resources I could look at? Or if you have any suggestions of other traits to be aware of?

Does she have a boyfriend or othe friends?

DH & I are sitting on one couch, SD turns up and balances herself next to DH at the end of the couch - leaving a full couch empty.

calling him daddy.

Just to normalise it, my daughters (18 & 21) do both of the above, but not the other things you've mentioned.

They've always called him daddy. Some people just do. My DH calls his dad daddy, as do all his siblings

@SandyY2K

Does she have a boyfriend or othe friends?

DH & I are sitting on one couch, SD turns up and balances herself next to DH at the end of the couch - leaving a full couch empty.

calling him daddy.

Just to normalise it, my daughters (18 & 21) do both of the above, but not the other things you've mentioned.

They've always called him daddy. Some people just do. My DH calls his dad daddy, as do all his siblings

No boyfriend. The same group of girls she's had since school but they have boyfriends. Dsd doesn't always say daddy - I understand what you're saying about it being what you say in your family but it's said in a childlike way rather than that's just what she calls him. Which is why it's noticeable when she reverts to that, if you know what I mean.