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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do you answer "Do you have kids?"?

70 replies

smith3711 · 19/05/2021 20:56

How do you answer when someone asks "Do you have kids?"

For example, do you say "I have a 2 SC", or "My partner has two children."

I've only started overthinking this lately but now it's making me really aware of what I'm saying, but I adore my SC, but I never want to disrespect them.

(I'm specifically asking about when I'm on my own, e.g. in meetings, at the hairdresser etc. If I'm asked in front of them I say "I'm friend or I'm dad's friend. I would never say SC / SM / Dad's gf in front of them until the day they ask me to! Which may be never, it's up to them!)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

OwlTwitterings · 19/05/2021 20:58

In your situation, I’d say “my partner has two children” and then say something nice about them to show it’s a good relationship you have.

Original poster

smith3711 · 19/05/2021 21:02

Just to add context: We've been together a year, very close with SC, Birth mother not in contact - SP is a single father. SC live full time with DP.

OP posts:

OwlTwitterings · 19/05/2021 21:06

Definitely say your partner has children then. It’s a new relationship and the fact you are sometimes introducing yourself as his friend shows that.

A year is no time with stepchildren.

KylieKoKo · 19/05/2021 21:10

I say no and will add that dp has 2 of its appropriate. Don't overthink it though it's not really any of the hairdresser's or people in meetings business.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 19/05/2021 21:13

Ive heard people say Ive got 2 bonus children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/05/2021 21:13

Before I had one I’d either say no or that my boyfriend/husband had two, depending on the situation. After a few years of living together and being married I’d say I’m a stepmum.

Certainly wouldn’t have referred to myself as a stepmum a year in.

Now, again depending on the situation, I say yes I’ve got one and I’m a stepmum to two or just yes.

Most people don’t really care, they’re just making chit chat.

Are you living together?

Original poster

smith3711 · 19/05/2021 21:14

Thanks @KylieKoKo. Oh yes I'm definitely overthinking, but just got me thinking that on here we all say stepchildren, when actually we wouldn't say this IRL

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/05/2021 21:14

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Ive heard people say Ive got 2 bonus children.

I think most people would find that confusing. I know it’s what works in some other languages but it makes me cringe a bit.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 19/05/2021 21:17

How about “no but my boyfriend has a 6 year old and a 9 year old so I get all the nice bits and do none of the work!”

ihavenowords30 · 19/05/2021 21:25

'I have a son with my partner and he has 3 children from a previous marriage, so there is 4 in total'

I'm clear to not say 'we' have 4

SandyY2K · 19/05/2021 21:59

StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Ive heard people say Ive got 2 bonus children.

I think most people would find that confusing. I know it’s what works in some other languages but it makes me cringe a bit.

I agree. SMs are also described as bonus mums too. It seems to be an American thing.

I saw a thread on a US based forum, where the SM was not happy the SC wouldn't call her a bonus mum, as she didn't like the name stepmom

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2021 22:22

I have my own DC now but beforehand unless it was someone I was going to have an ongoing relationship of some sort with I just said no. It doesn't really matter, it's only small talk!

flashylamp · 19/05/2021 22:27

You have been together a year just. They are not your step children. They are your boyfriends children. If I was asked if I had children in your situation I would say no (unless so had my own)

ladybee28 · 19/05/2021 22:28

I say "No."

(I'm 5 years in)

LeJuice · 19/05/2021 22:29

Before I had DC I said no.

If it was relevant to the conversation I may then add that DH does but just a general 'do you have kids?' small talk, I'd have said no.

OnceUponAThread · 19/05/2021 22:42

Depends on the context. All my friends know I have two SDs, obviously, because they're my friends. They knew he had kids when we were dating, and they know he has kids now we live together.

In work situations - yes they know I have two SCs. Not least because in lockdown they were homeschooling here a LOT. Which had an impact on my schedule - not the mention there just generally being kids about the place. I also sometimes need flexibility. So yes.

Clients - if it comes up on a call e.g. horrors of homeschooling, sometimes I will mention it. Totally up to me. Usually describe them as "my two step daughters".

Hairdressers aka strangers - none of their business. I might mentions kids or stepkids. But I don't think it really matters. They don't really care or know. Frankly I could be imagining 11 children for all their care.

In front of the kids themselves I reckon I'm probably Dad's girlfriend. But it's never come up.

partyatthepalace · 19/05/2021 22:59

I would say I have 2 SCS or my partner has 2 kids. I would say it in front of them but have been around 8 years since they were little.
They mostly say my step mum when referring to me. When people in shops or whatever refer to me as their mum, I wouldn’t bother to correct it, but would with someone significant.

However, a year in I wouldn’t have called them step kids, just my partner’s children.

OnceUponAThread · 19/05/2021 23:11

Argh. So many typos. For all THEY care. Not TO mention. Sorry.

jelly79 · 19/05/2021 23:23

Why do you call them your step children after a year? Genuinely interested - not meant to sound rude

Tiredoftattler · 20/05/2021 01:18

Why not say. " no, I am not married"? That would generally put an end to that particular topic. I find that people generally ask those types of questions in the settings that you describe in an effort to make polite conversation. Most of them aren't really into perusing the specific details of your life. Think about conversations that you have at the hair salon or at a conference. Are you that attentive to the specifics of someone else's life?

You may be over thinking this.

chatw0o0 · 20/05/2021 01:46

I would say "No" - as that's true. Or say, "no but my partner has x number of children who spend time with us". Depends on how much detail you want to give or not give.

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/05/2021 01:55

The obvious answer is no. You can add the detail of your partner having children if you like, but they're not your stepchildren.

Redwinestillfine · 20/05/2021 02:17

If they are kids and treat you as their stepmum then acknowledge that ' I have x stepkids', if they were older teens or adults when you became step mum a ' no' is more appropriate. My friend was in that boat and did not appreciate any attempt at being labelled a step child (or her kids being labelled as grandchildren, it's 'grandpa and x). If her Dad's wife had come in the scene when she was a small kid it may have been different...

Redwinestillfine · 20/05/2021 02:22

I should add another friend has step kids since they were at primary school and they completely treat her as a second Mum. She could quite easily say yes.

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/05/2021 02:27

I'm not sure how the children treat op is really the point.

Op has only been with her partner for a year, and they're not married.
I think it would be quite inappropriate to claim them as stepchildren without their consent.

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