How do you answer "Do you have kids?"?

[smith3711]

How do you answer when someone asks "Do you have kids?"

For example, do you say "I have a 2 SC", or "My partner has two children."

I've only started overthinking this lately but now it's making me really aware of what I'm saying, but I adore my SC, but I never want to disrespect them.

(I'm specifically asking about when I'm on my own, e.g. in meetings, at the hairdresser etc. If I'm asked in front of them I say "I'm friend or I'm dad's friend. I would never say SC / SM / Dad's gf in front of them until the day they ask me to! Which may be never, it's up to them!)

I’d say I don’t have children but live with my partner andy two SC

My DSD introduces me as her stepmum. Somehow I feel less comfortable with this label and usually do as someone else suggested - I explain she’s my partner’s daughter and say something nice.
I really hate the question ‘is she yours?’ In front of her. What is the point of that question? Why can’t people be a little more delicate in their small talk?

@Notcrackersyet, 'is she yours?' Is bloody awful isn't it! Because obviously not by blood or adoption so you can't say yes. But if you are close it could feel like a real rejection by the child of you said no. Why do people ask such bloody insensitive questions, as if family ties aren't complicated enough.

A step child might not be 'yours' but they are part of your family.

@Tiredoftattler

Why not say. " no, I am not married"? That would generally put an end to that particular topic. I find that people generally ask those types of questions in the settings that you describe in an effort to make polite conversation. Most of them aren't really into perusing the specific details of your life. Think about conversations that you have at the hair salon or at a conference. Are you that attentive to the specifics of someone else's life?

You may be over thinking this.

Well answering "do you have kids" with "no I'm not married" implies you don't approve of having children outside of wedlock and that's definitely not an impression I want to give during small talk! 😂

Agree with the rest though.

@aSofaNearYou

I have my own DC now but beforehand unless it was someone I was going to have an ongoing relationship of some sort with I just said no. It doesn't really matter, it's only small talk!

Similar here.

I have 2 DC and 3 DSC.
When someone asks me how many children I have, I say I have 2.

Because I do! My husbands children are not my children, so why would I include them in that question?

[quote lunar1]@Notcrackersyet, 'is she yours?' Is bloody awful isn't it! Because obviously not by blood or adoption so you can't say yes. But if you are close it could feel like a real rejection by the child of you said no. Why do people ask such bloody insensitive questions, as if family ties aren't complicated enough.

A step child might not be 'yours' but they are part of your family. [/quote]
Agree
I was once asked ‘is she yours?’ at the playground by a mum in front of my DSD. I replied ‘she’s with me’’ as a way of not saying no and another person there (that I didn’t know) said rather unkindly ‘no she’s not her mum, she’s her dad’s partner’ I can’t say I got the situation right but jeez

I answer that I have X kids, partner has X kids and we have X together.

I would say no. As no you don’t. “My boyfriend has children” just seems unnecessary 🤷‍♀️ They are asking if YOU have children not your boyfriend

I've only started overthinking this lately but now it's making me really aware of what I'm saying, but I adore my SC, but I never want to disrespect them

They're not your SC though, so it's not terribly respectful to call them that.

I say "Yes, I have two step children" if asked whether I have kids.

@GreyhoundG1rl

I'm not sure how the children treat op is really the point. Op has only been with her partner for a year, and they're not married. I think it would be quite inappropriate to claim them as stepchildren without their consent.

I think you are over thinking this a bit. It's small talk with a hairdresser. I don't think the children will be damaged by the op referring to them as step children in this context ....

I'm overthinking? Op asked the question, and they're her partner's kids 😂

I used to say I have two DC, plus a step DC. No-ones ever had an issue with me describing the relationship in that way.

If I'm making small talk with people and they ask about my kids, I'll say I have 3. I don't tend to mention my SC (they aren't my kids) unless it comes up. When it does I tend to say 'my husband also has 2 other children'.

Mostly it doesn't come up though because it's polite chit chat.

I sincerely doubt my husband ever mentions my older DSes when asked about children. I'd be amazed if he ever did. He's often out with only his children from a previous relationship so he probably never even mentions his baby DS (when everyone flocks to the man out with children on his own to praise him for doing basic parenting, which seems to be what he says happens all the time 🙄).

I always referred to my dhs dcs as his dcs and mine with dh as our dcs to differentiate between the 2 families.

Depends on the context for me.

If someone is asking me in a general conversation about me, like at the hairdressers or at work, I'd say no, because I don't have any kids of my own.

However, if someone is asking because they're talking about something where it could be relevant I will sometimes tell them my DP has kids. So like, if someone is saying their son likes X, Y and Z and do I have any kids, I might say I don't but know what the toy/programme/film they're talking about because my DP has two children who also like X.

But as a whole no, I don't consider myself to have children so usually would say that.

@Notcrackersyet

My DSD introduces me as her stepmum. Somehow I feel less comfortable with this label and usually do as someone else suggested - I explain she’s my partner’s daughter and say something nice. I really hate the question ‘is she yours?’ In front of her. What is the point of that question? Why can’t people be a little more delicate in their small talk?

I find this awkward too. And also when people call me 'mummy' in front of them, which has happened quite a lot from staff at days out.

Nobody's fault but just creates that little awkwardness for me because I don't want to immediately bat it away with "I'm not their mum" in front of my SCs as if I'm horrified by the suggestion, but equally don't want them to think I'm trying to pretend I am if I don't correct the person!

But tbh the times I have said "actually I'm not mum" it just makes the other person super awkward and mainly it just makes the children giggle when people think I'm their mum so I just tend to leave it now.

I say 'I've got two stepkids'. I sometimes add a bit of extra detail (ages, gender); as a PP said, it shows you have some relationship with them and opens the conversation up to normal questions people ask about kids. If you jsut leave it at 'stepkids' it can seem a bit abrupt and put people of asking - whereas in reality I'm proud as punch to be in their lives and could talk about them all day!

I'm 10 years into my relationship with their father, five years married - in earlier days I'd have said something like 'None of my own, but my partner has two'.

Even fairly early on it seemed quite disingenous to say a straight 'no', as they are a massive part of my life, and not something I'd want it to sound like I was hiding or awkward about if it transpired I had stepkids later in the conversation.

@PaperbackRider

I've only started overthinking this lately but now it's making me really aware of what I'm saying, but I adore my SC, but I never want to disrespect them

They're not your SC though, so it's not terribly respectful to call them that.

@PaperbackRider I’m calling them SC in this thread because that’s the acronym in this forum which is called step parenting

I’ve not said I say SC when I’m asked if I have kids. When I’m asked I say my partner has 2 children. I was just wondering how other people answer, because everyone says SC on here but do you say it in real life.

If its general conversation with people like the hairdresser I wouldn't mention my SD.

I'd just say "I have a daughter" and not mention SC unless they asked if my dh had any other kids

I’ve not said I say SC when I’m asked if I have kids. When I’m asked I say my partner has 2 children. I was just wondering how other people answer, because everyone says SC on here but do you say it in real life

I do say it in real life, despite not being married to my DP. Shock horror!! We have been together years and it's just an easy way of people understanding my relationship to the children.

I’m calling them SC in this thread because that’s the acronym in this forum which is called step parenting

It's only the acronym when they actually ARE your step children. Not when they are not. You are not a step parent, they are not your step children.

@PaperbackRider

I’m calling them SC in this thread because that’s the acronym in this forum which is called step parenting

It's only the acronym when they actually ARE your step children. Not when they are not. You are not a step parent, they are not your step children.

This is just absolute pedantry really.

Do you object to @Bibidy saying SC on the basis that she's not married to her partner? People can live their whole adult lives with partners they never marry.

My mum and stepdad aren't married. They've been together for 35 years. That's far longer than my parents were together. It would be ridiculous to not call him my stepdad at this point. OTOH, my H's mum did get remarried briefly when my H was a young adult. So her now exH was formally his stepdad. But he's never referred to him as such or felt like it reflected their relationship.

When people are posting or talking about their partner's children, they are trying to describe a relationship. Saying my SC may be much more sensible in conveying what people need to know than tying themselves in knots to make their precise legal status clear.

I seriously doubt hairdressers or colleagues give a monkey's nuts whether you are married to your partner when using the term step children, nor does it do any harm to the kids that aren't even there.

They've been together for 35 years.
Nobody could argue that's not an established relationship. One year is slightly different.
At what point in this first year of being a couple would you think referring to your partners kids as step children would be appropriate? Two months? Six months?

A year is nothing in the grand scheme of things.