Am I missing something?

[TwoDots]

I have a DS10. My partner has DD9. We’ve been living together for almost 4 years. We have DSD 50% (week on, weed off)

DP and I generally make the same rules in our house for both children to make it fair. An example of this is saying to them both that we won’t be getting them a mobile phone until they are 10.

My son hated this and has been begging for a phone for the past 2 years but we stuck to our guns and when he turned 10 he got one.

DSD 9th birthday yesterday and the night before the ex called to say she’s got her a mobile phone and an iPad for her birthday. Fine.

DP explained to her that he has no issue with the phone but to be fair to the children in this house, it’s to be used at her house only for the time being. Ex feels we are trying to control her etc, and been kicking off a stink since.

DP isn’t trying to control her. He’s said he’s fine with it but it just can’t be used here for the time being. She doesn’t get that we have 2 kids to consider here.

Am I missing something?

I do feel quite bad for SD but surely getting something like a phone should be a decision for both parents to agree on if used between both houses?

I would just ignore her. It's her problem not yours. She doesn't get a say what happens when she in DH's care.

Maybe just let her rant but don't respond any further. Your DP has said what he needs to and can take the phone off his child if needs be.

@SandyY2K

It’s the children I feel sorry for. It must be hugely difficult for them to navigate all the different rules and decisions made by the multiple adults in their lives.

I agree with this, especially where parents are different in parenting styles.

It's often brushed off, as they have different rules at school etc...but school is not the same as home.

Not specific to.this thread but....
I was speaking to a friend recently and she knows a separated couple with kids where the adults do the moving. So the kids stay in what was the marital home and the parents move in and out every other week.

I bet there would be a lot more empathy for kids, if adults did this and realised how inconvenient it is.

I was a child of separated parents, so I'm under no illusions.

There's no way to change the fact that things will be different in different houses. That's just how it is.

I'm not sure why 'these are the rules for everyone in this house' is any more upsetting or confusing than 'these are the rules for the SC; RC have to adhere to different rules'. In fact, I'd say the latter is much more confusing and unfair.

MN seems keen on it though, but only insofar as the SC get preferable treatment. If mum doesn't allow junk food and snacks at home (for example), it's totally ok to make sure you get enough for the SC and let them take it back to mum's house too.

Surely it's just much better to accept that each parent will run their house their way. So mum can buy a phone, but it's for her house.

I often see people insist thap1t it should be the same rules for all the children and that they should be treated the same in the same house but this doesn't seem to be the case when it's SC missing out or the other parent disagrees.

Not sure where the p1 came from there.

I was thinking this yesterday. Imagine I said we were going on holiday without the SC....I’d be the worst SM as the children should be ‘treated the same’. This board is very bias at times

Thanks to the recent commenters who seem to get what we are saying. Xx

Absolutely agree with you @TwoDots.

I appreciate it's not nice having your child away from you but DSD mum needs to get a grip and stop trying to bully and control what happens in your house.

Thank you @SkedaddIe

I’ve just read through some points and it’s amazing some of the conclusions reached. Like ‘leave the ex out of it’ when she’s the one who approached DP and can’t grasp different rules at different houses

I think everything has been said. Thanks to all

I was thinking this yesterday. Imagine I said we were going on holiday without the SC....I’d be the worst SM as the children should be ‘treated the same’.

Surely you don't think this is comparable to the phone situation do you? And if you were going on holiday without the SC, I'd blame the dad, not the SM.

I personally don't think it's a case of treating the same, as the children have different parents who may choose or make different decisions...so it's not always possible to do that.

For example...
If one parent wants their child to go to private school and can afford it, the step or resident child's parents may not be in the same financial position and as such the children aren't being treated the same.

It shouldn't be a case of because one parent can't afford it, they say no to private school the TC/SCs parents cannot afford it.

Based on your SD not even being that into tech, this need not have become such a big issue, as your DP could have had her call her mum on it, then switch the phone off until the next call.

A mountain has been made from a molehill in a power struggle, where better communication between the parents could have avoided this.

@SandyY2K and anyone else who seeks to think I’m creating this rule because of my DS. Please stop. The rule was for both children in this house. My DS is just a bit older

We are being fair with the rules we’ve both made for our children. DP has decided this for his dd and not me.

It is fair to both children to apply the same rule we created for both of them

I hope that helps to clarify

I personally don't think it's a case of treating the same, as the children have different parents who may choose or make different decisions...so it's not always possible to do that.

But the child's father doesn't want her to have a phone. Surely he gets to decide for his house without his ex overruling him.