Am I missing something?

[TwoDots]

I have a DS10. My partner has DD9. We’ve been living together for almost 4 years. We have DSD 50% (week on, weed off)

DP and I generally make the same rules in our house for both children to make it fair. An example of this is saying to them both that we won’t be getting them a mobile phone until they are 10.

My son hated this and has been begging for a phone for the past 2 years but we stuck to our guns and when he turned 10 he got one.

DSD 9th birthday yesterday and the night before the ex called to say she’s got her a mobile phone and an iPad for her birthday. Fine.

DP explained to her that he has no issue with the phone but to be fair to the children in this house, it’s to be used at her house only for the time being. Ex feels we are trying to control her etc, and been kicking off a stink since.

DP isn’t trying to control her. He’s said he’s fine with it but it just can’t be used here for the time being. She doesn’t get that we have 2 kids to consider here.

Am I missing something?

I do feel quite bad for SD but surely getting something like a phone should be a decision for both parents to agree on if used between both houses?

@Tiredoftattler I think we were just a bit shocked that a year 4 child even has a phone.

Both parents should have discussed with one another long beforehand but it’s done now we thought 10 was young and it was DP intention to discuss a phone jointly for around when she was 10. We just weren’t expecting it to happen so young and thought there was time

if mum bought clothing that DH thought was completely inappropriate for her age or an 18 rated DVD then would you think these should be used at OP's House if DH disapproves?

If an 18 rated DVD is bought for an under 18 child, then you have grounds...airing on legal to not allow it.
Inappropriate clothing is subjective.

When the reason comes down to fairness betweena child that's nothing to do with the biomum, rather
than the actual appropriateness of the gift, it's not the same.

Otherwise you get something like, kids get X amount of pocket money. If the other parent gives more, do you start saying you can't spend thst extra money while you're with us.

"We will treat our kids equally" is fine to a point, but that child has another parent too.

@SandyY2K

I think the problem was making a rule that you don't have 100% control of. The mistake you made is not saying "We will not buy you a phone until you're 10"

When you buy a gift like the phone, it becomes the recipients property. Except being a SC in this situation, the use of the gift is limited to only in one house and that creates a divide.

So with a week on week off schedule, she has to go without her phone for a week.

I can see why DSDs mum is pissed off.

You now have a situation where your DS will not be happy or DSD will not happy...and it will just cause resentment between them....and potentially make DSD reluctant to come there.

When you ask are you missing something... well the answer is yes to me.

I generally agree with this. I’m not saying you should allow her to have the phone but she may not be as happy to comes to yours. It’s a tricky situation

@TwoDots

Really is a tricky one. I can understand it to a point, but she’s still getting her agreed calls which uses up a considerable amount of time as it is

DP should get a say too but as usual the ex is trying to call all the shots

Why should he have a say on what his ex buys her daughter?

Yabu, my ex has no say in what I buy our kids, he buys his own presents. This is nothing but a power struggle between the adults, this is a Birthday present which you are trying to control.

YANBU, and of course you can limit her use of it at your house, in the same way you could limit her use of it if she was 10 and you'd bought it. She uses it at your house as much or little as her dad decides.

An example of this is saying to them both that we won’t be getting them a mobile phone until they are 10

And you've stuck to this rule. Neither of you have bought her a phone. You need to tell your DS this.

But OP if your DS has been begging for a phone for 2 years that must be because some of his friends have one? Personally I agree with you that 10 is a good age but I think you're being a little disingenuous to say that you were shocked a year 4 child could have a phone.

@SakuraEdenSwan1 I defo see your point. Every other present is none of his business as it gets left at her other house. This is something that can be quite decisive between parents eg appropriate age etc and the EXPECTATION from the ex is it’s to be used in our home. That’s where the line has been crossed really as it’s now up to DP to monitor that etc. A phone really should be discussed between 2 parents imo

@SakuraEdenSwan1

Yabu to even consider taking her Birthday present off her at your house, his ex does not have to consider your son in any of this, and I would be annoyed if this was my child. It's a phone not a weapon. Let her use it.

If DH has asked for it not to come to the house with her then it's the ex's fault for not respecting his views and DH can just explain "sorry no phones until you are 10 in this house, I did explain that to mum"

You should never have involved the ex. Basically she can do what she wants with her DD at hers. Your partner should merely have taken the phone from her when she was at yours and put it away until the call to her mum on the basis that when at his kids under 10 do not use phones.

The reality is her mum can buy her what she wants for use in her household.

I think he needs to pick his battles carefully or she may decide that the 50/50 contact isn’t what she wants anymore.

It was a birthday gift off her other parent, you can’t control what the other parent gifts.

SandyY2K I would argue that the appropriateness of giving a phone to a 9 year old is subjective. But I see your point re DVDs.

PS. It is just Mum, not biomum.

SeasonFinale I agree this would have been the best option.

The rule is there as we don’t want phones dominating the kids in our house and even 10 is too young really but that was the compromise

None of DS friends had phones at the time . He’s autistic and a bit ahead of himself when it comes to tech and gadgets

DSD isn’t techy at all and never been bothered about a phone. She’s fine with leaving it at her mums. None of her friends have phones yet so she only has her mum to contact really, which she does already. But it could become an addiction I suppose, and that’s not something we are ready to deal with in this house.

It’s the ex that’s not happy

To be fair as DS is actually 10 and already has a phone I think now DSD has a phone you just explain to him that it was her mum that bought it and that should be the end of it.

If DSD is happy then just ignore the ex

@SandyY2K

I think the problem was making a rule that you don't have 100% control of. The mistake you made is not saying "We will not buy you a phone until you're 10"

When you buy a gift like the phone, it becomes the recipients property. Except being a SC in this situation, the use of the gift is limited to only in one house and that creates a divide.

So with a week on week off schedule, she has to go without her phone for a week.

I can see why DSDs mum is pissed off.

You now have a situation where your DS will not be happy or DSD will not happy...and it will just cause resentment between them....and potentially make DSD reluctant to come there.

When you ask are you missing something... well the answer is yes to me.

My SC have a Nintendo switch here. It's theirs. But it stays in this house only. They have clothes here that are for when they're here. They're their property. But they're kids so they don't get to just do whatever they like with their stuff. Their dad decides on the rules for the stuff he gets them.

Similarly, his ex doesn't just get to send whatever she wants here. It's not her house. She doesn't decide what happens here.

@FishyFriday that’s it

DSD has loads more at her mums than at ours. 40 inch tv in her room, 2 consoles, double bed, iPad to name but a few. And that’s her mums choice and doesn’t impact us here my DS knows about it, thinks it’s unfair but we explain that’s the things at her other house and they’re treated as equally as possible here. My DP has every right to say he doesn’t want her having a phone at our house yet, but she can use it all she wants at her mums as that’s her mums responsibility to monitor.

It’s the ex wanting her gift to be used at our house that’s the issue here

If DSD is happy about not using the phone isn't this all a mountain out of a molehill? You tell the ex "ok fine, DSD can bring her phone". You let her use it to call her mum. Otherwise you put it away while she's with you. Everybody happy?

OP, it seems as though you made a rule for your house with the assumption that the ex would concur or adhere without involving her in the initial decision making discussion.

It is entirely possible that had she been a part of the decision making process she might: 1 have agreed with your pov , 2: presented and convinced you of her pov or 3. disagreed completely and informed yo that she would handle the matter in the way that she thought best. Whatever the outcome, you would all have been aware of the other's intentions from the beginning.

The easiest solution is to help children realize that there are different rules in different households and that is just the reality in the world in which they live. Children tend to understand far more than parents give them credit for understanding. They also see friends and classmates having and being allowed to do things that they are not permitted to have or do. Different standards are not alien to most children's experiences.
As to the ex, she is not obligated to agree with your house rules, nor are you obligated to change your rules simply because she does not agree.

It is helpful when all involved recognize that their particular povs are neither the only nor the absolute best practices.

Flexibility and open-mindedness, and a willingness to choose your battles will go a long ways in resolving these kinds of conflicts.

It’s ALWAYS us that have to bend, adapt and give in

You see it on here. Mums are just not willing to be considerate of others at times.

I don’t think people understand how difficult it can be, especially when dealing with autism.

My son can grasp the other house, but the phones intention us to be used at ours. As usual I will have to deal with the fallout

My DP was fully intending to discuss with ex this year. We didn’t think she would go ahead and get a phone and give us a few hours notice but there you go

*DSD isn’t techy at all and never been bothered
My DP has every right to say he doesn’t want her having a phone at our house yet

Yes he does....but then he has to be prepared for the potential fallout and grief from it.

With these kind of situations, there's not always a right or wrong, but different opinions and everyone thinks their opinion is the right one.

My SC have a Nintendo switch here. It's theirs. But it stays in this house only.

I can understand with this, as it's rather costly and other people could use it over there and break it. A phone is more of a personal item.

They have clothes here that are for when they're here. They're their property.

I've seen this issue a lot with clothes and the problem is usually disappearing clothes at the other house.

It does depend on the age of the child though, because there might be an item if clothing they really like and perhaps want to wear for an occasion while at the other house....saying no, you can't do that seems a bit mean to me....but where clothes have a general habit if going into a black hole, I do understand.

If DSD is happy about not using the phone isn't this all a mountain out of a molehill? You tell the ex "ok fine, DSD can bring her phone". You let her use it to call her mum. Otherwise you put it away while she's with you. Everybody happy?

Exactly. This seems like a solution, except if the OP and DSDs dad do not want her DS to even know or see that DSD has a phone. It's like the phone dare not cross your doorstep.

It just becomes an unnecessary battle.

Thanks for your replies. Will take all points on board

Hope you find a solution that works OP.