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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I missing something?

87 replies

TwoDots · 15/05/2021 12:14

I have a DS10. My partner has DD9. We’ve been living together for almost 4 years. We have DSD 50% (week on, weed off)

DP and I generally make the same rules in our house for both children to make it fair. An example of this is saying to them both that we won’t be getting them a mobile phone until they are 10.

My son hated this and has been begging for a phone for the past 2 years but we stuck to our guns and when he turned 10 he got one.

DSD 9th birthday yesterday and the night before the ex called to say she’s got her a mobile phone and an iPad for her birthday. Fine.

DP explained to her that he has no issue with the phone but to be fair to the children in this house, it’s to be used at her house only for the time being. Ex feels we are trying to control her etc, and been kicking off a stink since.

DP isn’t trying to control her. He’s said he’s fine with it but it just can’t be used here for the time being. She doesn’t get that we have 2 kids to consider here.

Am I missing something?

I do feel quite bad for SD but surely getting something like a phone should be a decision for both parents to agree on if used between both houses?

OP posts:

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Wishitsnows · 15/05/2021 12:16

Do you let her call the other parent when she is at yours? Is that the issue?

Original poster

TwoDots · 15/05/2021 12:18

Yeah she spends an hour or more on phone calls from DP phone. That’s never been an issue

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 15/05/2021 12:21

Just take it off her if she brings it and give it back when she's dropped back to her mums.

Sillysandy · 15/05/2021 12:21

I totally see your perspective on this but the problem from the child's mother's perspective is a decision has been made that suits your rules but not hers.

How good are relations between you two and the ex? Could you come to an agreement that dsd can bring the phone but it is put away except when she wants to phone mum?

It is a shame that she is insisting because it sounded like something that was accepted by the kids and made turning 10 very exciting. It sort of takes the gloss of it for DS if DSD gets one early.

Footloosefancyfree · 15/05/2021 12:23

I don't see the issue tbh its harder for children going to different homes especially contact that is one week off and one on is along time to be away from the other parent, if having her phone so she can text and call mum I don't see the issue with if it gives her some comfort so in this case I think your being massively unfair. It should be rules for each child decided by the parent that's your decision to not give your child a mobile and he's ten now but that shouldn't mean a child misses out on having a phone that can be some comfort for her..I'd be crossed with you trying to enforce such rules given the circumstances.

evtheria · 15/05/2021 12:24

Your house, your rules. IMO you obv can’t override what her mother has decided at her home, but you have the right to say how things work at yours.

EL8888 · 15/05/2021 12:24

Your house = your rules

Footloosefancyfree · 15/05/2021 12:25

Bear in mind this child could be starting periods soon, she might feel better talking to her mum about personal things.

ThatIsMyPotato · 15/05/2021 12:26

If DH doesn't want her having a phone at yours that's up to him. He can take it off her and give it back when she wants to phone her mum maybe? It's good to set boundaries now, eg. She is to let people know when recording videos etc.

OwlTwitterings · 15/05/2021 12:29

Did your DSD’s mum know of this rule before buying the phone?

Original poster

TwoDots · 15/05/2021 12:33

Trust me, it’s not a comfort to DSD. She hates having to call her mum but her mum insists on it which is understandable.

It’s not like we refuse to let her call her. What’s the point of bringing the phone here to be taken away except for the agreed calls to mum, when the phone calls happen regardless.

We have to think of both children here. It’s also not fair to my DS who had to wait a long time for the rule to be set aside for DSD

The ex gets her calls. She just refuses to understand what we have in place here

OP posts:

Original poster

TwoDots · 15/05/2021 12:36

@OwlTwitterings yes she did. DP had a conversation with her a year ago about it. I can understand she doesn’t want to live by our rules, but all it’s done is leave her DD in the middle

We have to be fair to 3 children. She only has her DD to consider.

I think a compromise should have been reached between 2 parents rather than the ex making a decision then we are having to be the bad guys

The boundaries were very clear to both kids this side

OP posts:

Original poster

TwoDots · 15/05/2021 12:38

@Footloosefancyfree I mean this in the nicest way, but I think you only can’t see an issue from one child’s POV. Step kids don’t rake preference in this house. Both kids are treated equally

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 15/05/2021 12:38

I think your kids need to get used to the fact that your dsd has different parents and so may need different rules. Life isn’t fair.

You just need to tell your son that just like his mum said no to have an ipad / phone before 10 (and give your reason to back this up) her mum decided to do it at 9 so it would allow her to talk to her when she’s there. Kids that age are easy going so don’t worry - he might sulk for a bit but I bet if you explain it properly he’ll be ok with it. I agree that your dsd is getting to the age where she may want to ask her mum questions privately away from the rest of you.

GrumpyHoonMain · 15/05/2021 12:43

[quote TwoDots]@Footloosefancyfree I mean this in the nicest way, but I think you only can’t see an issue from one child’s POV. Step kids don’t rake preference in this house. Both kids are treated equally[/quote]
Why? They are step children not siblings: they don’t need to be treated equally. And actually treating them equally is more harmful because then they’ll expect equal treatment later eg what happens if you want to leave your family money to your kids? What happens if your parents decide to take their GC away somewhere nice or decide to gift them large amounts of cash? Are you going to be pushing for equal consideration for your dsd too?

Honestly you need to start thinking about this sensibly. The only person who gets to make decisions for your dsd is her parents, and if they’re happy with the phone / ipad then fine. If your DH isn’t then he confiscates it but don’t do it from a viewpoint of ‘fairness’ to your resident kids. Do it because DH wants it otherwise it will come back to bite you.

custardbear · 15/05/2021 12:44

I'd be inclined to make rules up between the three of you, not just exclude her opinions then drama ensues
Start thinking of other areas like make up, bed times and boyfriends

SandyY2K · 15/05/2021 12:45

I think the problem was making a rule that you don't have 100% control of.
The mistake you made is not saying "We will not buy you a phone until you're 10"

When you buy a gift like the phone, it becomes the recipients property. Except being a SC in this situation, the use of the gift is limited to only in one house and that creates a divide.

So with a week on week off schedule, she has to go without her phone for a week.

I can see why DSDs mum is pissed off.

You now have a situation where your DS will not be happy or DSD will not happy...and it will just cause resentment between them....and potentially make DSD reluctant to come there.

When you ask are you missing something... well the answer is yes to me.

ThatIsMyPotato · 15/05/2021 12:45

@Footloosefancyfree

Bear in mind this child could be starting periods soon, she might feel better talking to her mum about personal things.

She's allowed to phone her mum when she asks so I'm not sure what this has to do with it.

ThatIsMyPotato · 15/05/2021 12:49

Does her mum get a say in how much TV time DSD has at yours? What she eats? What she wears? And OP says DSD isn't even keen on the phonecalls.

Orangebug · 15/05/2021 12:52

This is a really tricky one OP! I can see both sides. From ex's point of view you placing conditions on a gift that she gave to her daughter - I can see why she thinks that is controlling. However I can also see your son's point of view about the fairness aspect. I think perhaps you did make a mistake in trying to put boundaries around something that isn't entirely within your control.

Could you relax the rules around the phone and find a way to make it up to your DS?

ThatIsMyPotato · 15/05/2021 12:52

When you buy a gift like the phone, it becomes the recipients property. Except being a SC in this situation, the use of the gift is limited to only in one house and that creates a divide. if mum bought clothing that DH thought was completely inappropriate for her age or an 18 rated DVD then would you think these should be used at OP's House if DH disapproves?

OwlTwitterings · 15/05/2021 12:55

I think her mum should have spoken to your partner first but ultimately, she is able to make a decision in the same way that you and your partner are.

What you have to remember is that children should be treated fairly but being fair doesn’t necessarily mean being treated the same.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 15/05/2021 12:56

Yabu to even consider taking her Birthday present off her at your house, his ex does not have to consider your son in any of this, and I would be annoyed if this was my child. It's a phone not a weapon. Let her use it.

Tiredoftattler · 15/05/2021 12:57

OP,
If you said to the kids "we won't be getting you a phone until you are 10." That was an accurate statement of your intention. The mother neither made nor agreed to that plan.

The daughter is not yet 10 , and you guys have not yet bought her a phone. In your desire to keep things "equal" , you should ask her to leave her phone with her mom when she comes to your shared home, and let het know that on her 10th birthday that you too as promised will be providing her with a phone.

I think that would be a bit absurd, but if you are going to adhere to the rules and promises made in your home that is what it would mean to do for and expect the same for both children.

Original poster

TwoDots · 15/05/2021 12:59

Really is a tricky one. I can understand it to a point, but she’s still getting her agreed calls which uses up a considerable amount of time as it is

DP should get a say too but as usual the ex is trying to call all the shots

OP posts:

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