Am I missing something?

[TwoDots]

I have a DS10. My partner has DD9. We’ve been living together for almost 4 years. We have DSD 50% (week on, weed off)

DP and I generally make the same rules in our house for both children to make it fair. An example of this is saying to them both that we won’t be getting them a mobile phone until they are 10.

My son hated this and has been begging for a phone for the past 2 years but we stuck to our guns and when he turned 10 he got one.

DSD 9th birthday yesterday and the night before the ex called to say she’s got her a mobile phone and an iPad for her birthday. Fine.

DP explained to her that he has no issue with the phone but to be fair to the children in this house, it’s to be used at her house only for the time being. Ex feels we are trying to control her etc, and been kicking off a stink since.

DP isn’t trying to control her. He’s said he’s fine with it but it just can’t be used here for the time being. She doesn’t get that we have 2 kids to consider here.

Am I missing something?

I do feel quite bad for SD but surely getting something like a phone should be a decision for both parents to agree on if used between both houses?

Thank you @Orangebug xx

DP should get a say too but as usual the ex is trying to call all the shots

No way on Earth does my ex get to tell me what I can and can’t do with my child, especially if it’s me paying for it.

A phone really should be discussed between 2 parents imo

Would have been a good idea but clearly opinions differ. What then? Should the ex have to compromise on what she believes because someone elses’s child is in the mix? Are you willing for that to work both ways?

@EnoughnowIthink absolutely I am. Things would work far better if all adults could talk and reach agreements which benefits all children. But as usual mums feel they don’t need to consider others. You’re a fine example of not feeling you should talk to your ex over something which affects both households.

If we wanted to get a phone, particularly so DP can contact his DD at her mums, he would absolutely discuss with her first.

I’ve spoken to my son who is cool about it but my DP still isn’t happy as he does not want his Dd to have a phone yet and particularly not at our house.

I should mention this phone is a gift from the mums boyfriend. Could you imagine if I’d been the first person to give DSD a phone and my DP expects his dd to use it to contact him when at her mums. She wouldn’t be ok with that, not would people act so favourably in here.

My DP does not want his dd to have a phone at our house yet and the other parent really should respect and reach a compromise. Our compromise would have been this Xmas

Op you have posted numerous times about the ex wife. You seem to have constant issues. Pick your battles. Life isn't fair or equal more so in blended families. As someone who has a child from a previous relationship as Co parent you got to let things go and you will finds are much easier.

@Footloosefancyfree because she is a constant problem. I don’t post often and we let certain things go but at times I want to vent.

I’m tired of always being expected to bow down because of her

Sometimes you've got to let the little stuff go. As someone who has coparented for going on 11 years, we muddle on nicely all 4 of us. In the earlier days when we were younger and of course there was issues but we learn not to sweat the small stuff. Ds had a phone about 9/10 more so when he was out playing and he couldn't look after it. Then got another one and did the same so doesn't have a phone at the moment.

@Footloosefancyfree things can be small to some and large to others but I get what you are saying and we often go by that

I think the main problem is me and DP are considerate people by nature and we would always discuss anything that would affect the other house but we feel continually frustrated when it’s rarely reciprocated and we just have to suck it up. Doesn’t help the relationship at all

I’ve spoken to my son who is cool about it but my DP still isn’t happy as he does not want his Dd to have a phone yet and particularly not at our house. ideally they both would have discussed when they were happy for her to have a phone and agreed. But as they haven't and DP doesn't want her to have it at his house then he should just tell his ex that and if she turns up with it confiscate it.

You’re a fine example of not feeling you should talk to your ex over something which affects both households

ODFOD. Seriously. I have spent 14 years bringing up 3 children single-handedly with sod all financial contribution from the ex and a string of step mums who have supported that. What would have been best for my children is that their father loved them enough to contribute to their upbringing but as that never bothered him, I am blowed if I am going to bow down to his demands as to how I spend my money in relationship to our children. If he and the latest step mum want to discuss what is best for all the children, let’s start with feeding and clothing them, eh?

@TwoDots I never understand why people think to treat two children the same is to treat them equally. I can understand without much thought being given how it would appear fair but it isn't the true meaning of fair. To treat them equally is to adapt your parenting style to meet both childrens needs I have to biological children and they are treated equally but not treated the same as they are individuals with individual needs.

@EnoughnowIthink I’m sorry to hear that. But your example is in a completely different situation to ours. My DP is completely involved.

We bought sd a lunchbox not long ago and was almost immediately replaced by a new one from his ex. He’s not even allowed to choose a lunchbox for her.

Your circumstances are very different to ours and I’m sorry about that

@Daisy1245 I agree when there imare different needs there but there isn’t a different need. If you’ve followed my thread then you will see I’ve discussed with my son. It’s DP that’s still not happy and being forced to be ok with something in our home which the ex has decided without consideration

My DP is completely involved

My ex sees our children weekly. Always has done. He still doesn’t get to tell me what to do with my money, nor does he get to decide his way of doing things is right.

,Your circumstances are very different to ours

Except the fact remains that there are children across two households for whom parenting decisions need to be made. Not so very different.

The lunchbox thing sounds petty. Of course, the decision could be purely practical - the size/shape/number of compartments might not have suited how the ex does lunch. Or your DSD might have expressed a preference. You’ll never know.

It’s DP that’s still not happy and being forced to be ok with something in our home which the ex has decided without consideration

So he removes the phone and let’s her have it when she wants to call mum? Children in separated families know there are different rules in different households. I would personally hold my nerve on this one and see how it pans out.

I get your ex is upset and feels she's imposing on him, but then it seems you guys decided the no phone till age 10 without consulting her either. I do get it though, it was annoying when DD's step brother got a phone age 10 and told DD it was Mummy's responsibility to get her one... I didn't get her one till she was 12 and had to endure all manner of complaining and eye rolling about how ''unfair'' I am... how it was unfair that step brother had one and she didn't, blah blah blah..

I had no intention of giving a 10 year old a phone she didn't (imo) need - it really got my goat that ex & step mom decided without discussing with me that age 10 was right for both DD and her step brother to have phone and since they'd decided that I should now buy a phone for DD. I said nothing to ex as doing so would have caused a massive stink and wouldn't have solved anything as I still wasn't going to get a phone . DD had to suck it up. Just like my issue could have been avoided if my ex had spoke to me seems yours could also have been avoided if you guys had agreed with all parents before communicating 'the rule'' about phones to the children.

The lunchbox thing was very weird. DSD was surprised when it turned up at our house (we had her and it arrived from Amazon). She had one with several compartments and was sturdy. Nice it’s a soft thing with sequins so we have to either use bags or smaller Tupperware. It’s just an example of where she wants to control I guess.

Thank you for the last bit of advice. You’ve hit the nail on the head about different rules at different houses which the ex just will not understand. It’s also the hypocrisy as the other way around she would want to be a part of the decision

@Pinkyxx you’re so right and it’s a bit of a bugbear of mine with DP. He can leave things a little last minute. I suppose in his defence he didn’t think sd would get a phone at the age of 9. It’s a learning lesson I suppose

We would never try and impose things on her at her house though. I suppose that’s what’s annoying

[quote TwoDots]@Footloosefancyfree I mean this in the nicest way, but I think you only can’t see an issue from one child’s POV. Step kids don’t rake preference in this house. Both kids are treated equally[/quote]
For you yes. For your DSD's mother irrelevant.

[quote TwoDots]@Pinkyxx you’re so right and it’s a bit of a bugbear of mine with DP. He can leave things a little last minute. I suppose in his defence he didn’t think sd would get a phone at the age of 9. It’s a learning lesson I suppose

We would never try and impose things on her at her house though. I suppose that’s what’s annoying[/quote]
But you are trying to do exactly that, surely you can see that?

[quote TwoDots]@Footloosefancyfree things can be small to some and large to others but I get what you are saying and we often go by that

I think the main problem is me and DP are considerate people by nature and we would always discuss anything that would affect the other house but we feel continually frustrated when it’s rarely reciprocated and we just have to suck it up. Doesn’t help the relationship at all[/quote]
Did you discuss the 'no phone until 10' decision ?

@PinkGinny wow.

Firstly, I’m on here talking about our perspective in my house

Secondly, we are not imposing anything on her house. We are not saying she can’t give her a phone, just that it can’t be used at our house right now. Big difference

Thirdly, I mentioned this in a previous comment that DP and ex had a convo a year ago or so. I think the problem was DP perhaps wasn’t clear enough. She mentioned a phone and DP said that’s fine but it couldn’t come to our house. He should have elaborated a bit more about the age then but that’s men for you

It’s the children I feel sorry for. It must be hugely difficult for them to navigate all the different rules and decisions made by the multiple adults in their lives.

[quote TwoDots]@PinkGinny wow.

Firstly, I’m on here talking about our perspective in my house

Secondly, we are not imposing anything on her house. We are not saying she can’t give her a phone, just that it can’t be used at our house right now. Big difference

Thirdly, I mentioned this in a previous comment that DP and ex had a convo a year ago or so. I think the problem was DP perhaps wasn’t clear enough. She mentioned a phone and DP said that’s fine but it couldn’t come to our house. He should have elaborated a bit more about the age then but that’s men for you[/quote]
But no answers to the questions...

I don't disagree with your premise - my children (the youngest of whom is 14) didn't get phones until they were 10). However you can't expect your partner's ex to give a shit about what decisions you make for your child.

If your partners feels that strongly about it then he needs to do what works for him - tell his child no phone whilst at his house. The ex is irrelevant. And in no way to blame or worthy of judgement for making a different choice to her ex.

It’s the children I feel sorry for. It must be hugely difficult for them to navigate all the different rules and decisions made by the multiple adults in their lives.

I agree with this, especially where parents are different in parenting styles.

It's often brushed off, as they have different rules at school etc...but school is not the same as home.

Not specific to.this thread but....
I was speaking to a friend recently and she knows a separated couple with kids where the adults do the moving. So the kids stay in what was the marital home and the parents move in and out every other week.

I bet there would be a lot more empathy for kids, if adults did this and realised how inconvenient it is.

@PinkGinny I answered the questions 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m only venting on here as the ex as she won’t let it drop. My partner has explained his side to her plenty of times and reiterated that she does not get to make choices for our household. It’s very simple. My question about missing something is because I cannot understand how she can’t accept different rules at different houses and won’t let it drop. We have said no problem to get her a phone as that’s her choice but for now it’s not to come to ours. It’s so simple.

I feel sorry for the kids too but all kids including resident kids which rarely get considered on this board

Thanks everyone for your replies.