I know it's wrong but will these feelings go?

[GrilledGroop]

I know I'll be flamed by some but I was wondering if anyone has ever felt like this and if it went away?

Recently had first baby and ever since I just get so easily fed up of DSC. The thought of taking time away from my baby to do anything for them just really annoys me and I just prefer it tenfold when they aren't here.

I never really minded either way before but ever since DC I just feel like I'm starting to resent the situation.

If you've just recently had a baby then I can imagine that you're exhausted and your patience with most things is thinner at the moment. I would give yourself time to get into routine with the baby and I'm sure things will feel better.

Thing is baby isn't that young though. They are nearly 5 months and it's not going away 😖

How much of the work is your husband/partner doing? Is he leaving a lot of the basic looking after the SC to you?

I think what you're feeling is very common. My theory is that once you have your own child, you realise your feelings for your stepchild will never come close to the love you have for your own child.

How much are you having to do for them? Why isn't your husband dealing with it?

It's basic biology. Just make sure you keep the feelings away from the children.

I often felt like this with my own children after I'd had a baby!

It's not wrong, it's natural. It may not go away completely but as your child gets older it does become easier. I have a 23 month old and 6 month old and the first few month's with both was hell when DSC came. It's getting slightly better now my youngest is in a better routine , sleeping more etc. It's hard as all your energy goes on caring for your babies and the added stress/drama that DSC bring is harder to manage. I promise it gets better though. Around 8 months with my first I no longer dreaded their arrival. It's like that now with my second....I don't dread them coming, but I still prefer it 100x when they're not here as I just dont have the energy for 4 when I have 2 under 2! It's sometimes nice and I still try occasionally to do things just with DSC (I'm taking them swimming tomorrow while DH stays with the babies) to try and keep our relationship good. But priorities change...It's natural, don't beat yourself up for feeling this way. And don't listen to non-SMs that tell you ypu shouldn't.

Why are you taking time out from your baby to do things for DSC? Leave it to their dad, you have your hands full. It'll pass as your child gets older but ATM you have a different focus and that's ok. DSC are not your kids, they have parents so you're not obliged to look after them, enjoy your baby.

Thank you.

I just feel like my thoughts are so mean sometimes and I don't know where it's come from. Like the idea of doing anything 'mother like' for them makes me so resentful because in my head I'm just thinking 'but they aren't mine, I don't want to act like a mother to them'.

I don't do tonnes for them but yes DH does expect me to help with quite a bit.

Little things are just getting on my nerves quicker too. Like fussy eating for example. It's always been a problem but I've usually just thought shrug and gotten on with it. Now it makes me so internally irritated when I see them pulling their faces at food.

@GrilledGroop

Thank you.

I just feel like my thoughts are so mean sometimes and I don't know where it's come from. Like the idea of doing anything 'mother like' for them makes me so resentful because in my head I'm just thinking 'but they aren't mine, I don't want to act like a mother to them'.

I don't do tonnes for them but yes DH does expect me to help with quite a bit.

Maybe he needs to make sure he is not leaving so much of the SC care to you then.

I also felt like this with my first DC when 2nd came along. I felt awful about it but goes back to normal over time. I put it down to mother's fierce instinct to protect a baby.

@GrilledGroop

Thank you.

I just feel like my thoughts are so mean sometimes and I don't know where it's come from. Like the idea of doing anything 'mother like' for them makes me so resentful because in my head I'm just thinking 'but they aren't mine, I don't want to act like a mother to them'.

I don't do tonnes for them but yes DH does expect me to help with quite a bit.

It's no wonder you feel that way then. Your feelings are natural. The best way to remedy them is to not really have to do much for them, which is really to be expected anyway when you have a young baby. Just tell him you feel drained and he needs to step up.

What kind of things does he expect from you?

@GrilledGroop

Little things are just getting on my nerves quicker too. Like fussy eating for example. It's always been a problem but I've usually just thought shrug and gotten on with it. Now it makes me so internally irritated when I see them pulling their faces at food.

Something to be aware of is that your irritation about this may increase as you start the weaning process. Especially if the baby is copying the example he sees at the table.

It might be worth a discussion with their father about what he's doing about the rude behaviour at the table. Fussy eating is one thing, but pulling faces etc about the food is just being rude. They don't need to be doing that at all.

My SC are dreadful at mealtimes. It was very annoying from the day I met them. But once it started to get towards weaning the baby and my husband was still letting them behave really badly every single meal time, it became properly unbearable.

It's hard because, if they were my children, it would never have gotten anywhere near that point. I'd have sorted out the rudeness and attention seeking behaviour years ago. But I can't do anything about the SC because of their parents.

To be fair it's not even big stuff. The odd 'could you just make a sandwich up for lunches tomorrow whilst I do this', 'can you ask X and Y to brush their teeth on your way to the loo' etc.. I don't do loads of stuff.

But then it's also things occasionally like 'can you pick them up from school whilst I'm at this meeting', 'X isn't feeling well can I pick her up from school and then bring her back to you until I get home'.

All things like washing and cooking too I do.

Most of the time it's such little stuff that I don't even know why it bothers me.

I know I just sound like a child but I just don't want to do it.

Washing and cooking is a lot of work. I bet you also do the shopping and meal planning. And the mental load of trying to accommodate their fussiness.

As is the expectation that you can just pick up school runs and childcare.

He can make their sandwiches when he's done X too.

Don't downplay what he's asking you to do. If you're washing and cooking (and cleaning) what parenting is he doing really? Especially if he's not even overseeing the tooth brushing or whatever.

@GrilledGroop

To be fair it's not even big stuff. The odd 'could you just make a sandwich up for lunches tomorrow whilst I do this', 'can you ask X and Y to brush their teeth on your way to the loo' etc.. I don't do loads of stuff.

But then it's also things occasionally like 'can you pick them up from school whilst I'm at this meeting', 'X isn't feeling well can I pick her up from school and then bring her back to you until I get home'.

All things like washing and cooking too I do.

Some of those are quite big things, tbf.

Some of this you can just suck up and the irritation will probably pass, such as the toothbrush thing. But cooking, cleaning, dropping them off and picking them up, these are all big things. I would have a word with your partner about those things. Either play the "tired and have enough on my plate" card or just openly tell him it's making you feel resentful and he needs to step up.

On a slightly different note, I would recommend trying hard not to focus too much on the behaviour you find annoying. My step son has many habits that have always really, really irritated me, one of which is fussy eating. I totally get the struggle, but realised that the time I was spending feeling annoyed about his behaviour was time I could have spent focused on my DD. Remember, irritating as it is to watch, it doesn't actually matter to you whether they eat well or not on any personal level, so just don't put thought into it. Go elsewhere with your child and focus on them if you start to feel yourself getting wound up. I've found my relationship with my SS has actually massively improved since I have stopped being bothered by the habits he has that I would be desperate to address if he were mine, but he's not so I just don't need to stress about it.

@GrilledGroop

To be fair it's not even big stuff. The odd 'could you just make a sandwich up for lunches tomorrow whilst I do this', 'can you ask X and Y to brush their teeth on your way to the loo' etc.. I don't do loads of stuff.

But then it's also things occasionally like 'can you pick them up from school whilst I'm at this meeting', 'X isn't feeling well can I pick her up from school and then bring her back to you until I get home'.

All things like washing and cooking too I do.

He needs to be parenting his own kids and not get you to do these things. It's a big adjustment having your own baby. I was in a similar position and it did get a bit easier but I've always refused to cook and clean for his children as a given so when I cook It's becuase I want to. I have enough to do.

The less extra work you do because of them the better really, it means your time spent with them can be doing fun things if you want and you won't resent the housework.

Remember, irritating as it is to watch, it doesn't actually matter to you whether they eat well or not on any personal level, so just don't put thought into it. Go elsewhere with your child and focus on them if you start to feel yourself getting wound up. I've found my relationship with my SS has actually massively improved since I have stopped being bothered by the habits he has that I would be desperate to address if he were mine, but he's not so I just don't need to stress about it.

This is good advice.

The issue about face pulling etc about food is that it makes it hard to have family meals if you don't want a weaning baby affected by their half siblings' annoying behaviour.

Here DSS has most definitely copied DSD and then added his own irritations on top. I genuinely no longer care what they eat or how they eat; it's not my problem. But I do care about how it affects my DSes. Eating with them does neither of them - or me - any good.

If they were my children I could just have a single set of rules and principles for everyone. But how exactly do you work allowing one child to sulk and pull faces while telling another that it's rude to do do?

This is good advice. The issue about face pulling etc about food is that it makes it hard to have family meals if you don't want a weaning baby affected by their half siblings' annoying behaviour. Here DSS has most definitely copied DSD and then added his own irritations on top. I genuinely no longer care what they eat or how they eat; it's not my problem. But I do care about how it affects my DSes. Eating with them does neither of them - or me - any good. If they were my children I could just have a single set of rules and principles for everyone. But how exactly do you work allowing one child to sulk and pull faces while telling another that it's rude to do do?

Yes I absolutely agree, some things are easier to ignore than others. Basically these days, I only pick him up on things that will negatively impact DD. With the eating thing, luckily my DSS isn't rude about the food, he will just spend the best part of an hour picking at it and sulking about having to eat it. But by the time it comes to that DD has finished hers so I just take her to get washed and leave DP to deal with it.

I think fussy eating is a very common one problem that highlights what you've said above, because it's the kind of thing younger children do quickly pick up on and copy. But as a general rule, if I were OP I would think about whether the behaviour that is irritating me at the time will directly affect me or my child, and if it doesn't, just disengage from it. Hopefully there are some that fall into that category!

I'm in a similar position to OP. With the manners/fussing do you think it's ok to have one rule for them and another for my child. I plan on being a bit harsher in terms of manners/picking up after themselves and I worry my child will resent it. Probably a DH problem.

@ThatIsMyPotato

I'm in a similar position to OP. With the manners/fussing do you think it's ok to have one rule for them and another for my child. I plan on being a bit harsher in terms of manners/picking up after themselves and I worry my child will resent it. Probably a DH problem.

I expect more from my children than DH does from his.

We have a big eating issue so my kids and I do not eat with the SC. Ever. Their father cooks for them and feeds them separately. He won't improve their behaviour so he can do what he likes, separately from us. 🤷🏻‍♀️

* Remember, irritating as it is to watch, it doesn't actually matter to you whether they eat well or not on any personal level, so just don't put thought into it. *

No judgement because quite honestly I couldn’t possibly imagine being a step mother (or imposing a stepfather on my children either).

But this statement made me sad to think of children living half their lives in the home of someone who regards them like this