I know it's wrong but will these feelings go?

[GrilledGroop]

I know I'll be flamed by some but I was wondering if anyone has ever felt like this and if it went away?

Recently had first baby and ever since I just get so easily fed up of DSC. The thought of taking time away from my baby to do anything for them just really annoys me and I just prefer it tenfold when they aren't here.

I never really minded either way before but ever since DC I just feel like I'm starting to resent the situation.

Well you’ve had your own baby so your step kids are in the way now. I think it’s one of those things isn’t it? I’d never form a step family with anyone. They always seem so fraught with resentment and irritation. Someone else’s kids forever? No ta.

@Egghead81

* Remember, irritating as it is to watch, it doesn't actually matter to you whether they eat well or not on any personal level, so just don't put thought into it. *

No judgement because quite honestly I couldn’t possibly imagine being a step mother (or imposing a stepfather on my children either).

But this statement made me sad to think of children living half their lives in the home of someone who regards them like this

Yes I knew some would see it that way, but honestly it isn't sad. I know and love lots of people who have terrible eating habits, without feeling the need to fix it. The only person that I do feel an at times stressful drive to ensure eats well and has a healthy relationship with food, is my DD, because I know it's my job to foster that.

I might be more inclined to worry about my DSS's eating habits if the problem was that he ate too much, but the reality is that he will probably just spend the rest of his life eating really beige food and being picky, and that isn't going to kill him, just annoy the hell out of anyone that has to eat with him.

It would be worse for my DSS if I WAS really bothered about the different aspects of his upbringing that I choose not to dwell on, because if I was I would constantly be on his case, which I'm sure isn't desirable when he also has two parents and lots of teachers who are somewhat on his case. Don't pity him, it's been an improvement in our relationship that I have stopped devoting energy to these things.

I suppose it’s the fact that if you don’t care about this on “any personal level”

Then why would you care about stuff like - have they done their homework; have they rinsed their hair properly; have they had too much screen time etc etc

@Egghead81

I suppose it’s the fact that if you don’t care about this on “any personal level”

Then why would you care about stuff like - have they done their homework; have they rinsed their hair properly; have they had too much screen time etc etc

I've never concerned myself with whether DSC have homework to do or not and I gave up long ago caring about how much time they spend in front of a screen.

Sorry I was referring to a PP

@Egghead81

I suppose it’s the fact that if you don’t care about this on “any personal level”

Then why would you care about stuff like - have they done their homework; have they rinsed their hair properly; have they had too much screen time etc etc

Well I don't really care about any of those things on a personal level. It's not really an issue because DP is there to care about those things, although if he isn't there for whatever reason I just do them, I don't need to care deeply to be responsible.

The "any personal level thing" is just a useful thing to remind yourself of when their poor behaviour around a given issue is really winding you up. You're reading too much into the impact it has day to day when engaging with things with them that they do not exhibit challenging/irritating behaviour around.

As a step parent, the chances of feeling frustrated are really high. You get a rare front row seat to someone else's upbringing, the tricky bits rather than just the good bits that you normally get to see of other people's children, but you do not have total free reign, or in some cases any, to impose rules and responses that you would choose to tackle their behaviour. Even if you and your partner are very much on the same page, there is another parent who may have them significantly more of the time, and your parenting approaches may not align. Chances are, the children are going to behave in ways you would not allow or would tackle totally differently. But you would be trying to push a square peg into a round hole by trying to take over and raise them how YOU think children should be raised. Reminding yourself that it's their life and it doesn't affect you if your SC doesn't grow up with the same core lessons you would want your child to, can be a very useful tool in preventing that frustration from making everybody miserable.

Op breathe it's normal and for me died down when ds turned 2. I was like a wolverine in terms of protecting my baby due to pnd and traumatic birth, for the first 6 months or so of his life.
I flat NEVER did school runs ever when on mat leave, unless someone was in hospital emergency in which case I would have done so if no other options available.
Say no. Just say no. Explain your struggling and can't right now. After school club, childminders and both parents are avialble and you are not one of the options.

@dragoncena

I often felt like this with my own children after I'd had a baby!

I was going to say the exact same thing !

I also had zero patience for dh, pets and e postman who kept knocking when school was napping 😡 in general I was exhausted and irritable and had no time for anyone except dc

@Egghead81

I suppose it’s the fact that if you don’t care about this on “any personal level”

Then why would you care about stuff like - have they done their homework; have they rinsed their hair properly; have they had too much screen time etc etc

I don't care about any of that. It's not my business. They're my husband's children. He parents them.

No one wants my opinion.

Yes I get that.
I’m not judging. I would undoubtedly be the same. I don’t really care about anyone’s children other than my own, my nephews and nieces.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad that many children are sharing their homes with adults that don’t give a damn about pretty fundamental issues when you are talking about young children / children

@Egghead81

Yes I get that. I’m not judging. I would undoubtedly be the same. I don’t really care about anyone’s children other than my own, my nephews and nieces.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad that many children are sharing their homes with adults that don’t give a damn about pretty fundamental issues when you are talking about young children / children

Yes but you've fundamentally misunderstood my initial meaning there. My point was that it's in my nature to care about those things, but in practice it's productive to let that go in many situations you will find yourself in as a step parent.

My stepchildren have enough pressure over their school work without me getting involved.

Well you’ve had your own baby so your step kids are in the way now.

That's is the bottom line really. Your preference now is you, him and your baby. SS is surplus to requirements.

The feelings fade for some new mums. It's a tiring time having a new baby and having to do even the tiniest if things for a SC can cause resentment.

I just prefer it tenfold when they aren't here

It seems like just their mere presence is an annoyance or irritation.

Do they like the baby? Perhaps if you try and see them as your baby's sibling that will help them develop some a relationship.

If you have this resentment that you believe is hidden, it could affect how they bond with their sibling and in turn, they resent the baby for your change in behaviour.

That's is the bottom line really. Your preference now is you, him and your baby. SS is surplus to requirements.

I never understand why people say this. There is never any "requirement" that SC are fulfilling, before or after having your own children. People generally have children when they want to and are ready, they don't fill some kind of void with step children until they are able to procreate, and then discard them. The more realistic way of describing what may happen is that they lack emotional energy once their baby is born.

This turn of phrase that is used so often on here, by contrast, is far more emotive than it needs to be.

I mean this happens with bio kids too. I have slightly less tolerance for dd1 now that dd2 has arrived. I def have less tolerance for the steps. Few reasons really, you’re tired, babies are very needy, kids often play up when there’s a new baby as a way of asserting themselves, kids look bigger and uglier suddenly next to cute baby, then of course there’s the all consuming love that you have for your own kids which I think for most people isn’t on the cards for steps. All normal. Just try and manage it best you can

@parsnipsnotsprouts

I mean this happens with bio kids too. I have slightly less tolerance for dd1 now that dd2 has arrived. I def have less tolerance for the steps. Few reasons really, you’re tired, babies are very needy, kids often play up when there’s a new baby as a way of asserting themselves, kids look bigger and uglier suddenly next to cute baby, then of course there’s the all consuming love that you have for your own kids which I think for most people isn’t on the cards for steps. All normal. Just try and manage it best you can

I think there's some great points here about how your perception of bigger kids changes when you have a baby. Before you have something much smaller and more vulnerable to look after, bigger kids seem harmless, funny and sweet, but when you do, through no fault of their own they do suddenly become a massive liability day to day. They are large enough to cause proper damage, and simultaneously not very sensible yet, especially 5-10 year olds. They play with your smaller child - your child gets injured, they play around smaller your child - your child gets injured. They'll forever leave dangerous things like choking hazards and open stair gates in their path that you have to be on guard against.

I never expected to feel the level of annoyance I do at older kids in toddler parks/soft play, yet I do. I imagine that feeling will start to recede as my child gets bigger herself and is less likely to get knocked off the top of a slide by an 8 year old with no patience who wasn't looking where they were going!

OP, I wonder if you are feeling how I felt during mat leave which is leaned on to meet the convenience of everyone else.

It sounds like the person you're being asked to 'do things for' is actually your partner (and their ex) who now doesn't have to do them. I did the same - school runs, had DSS1 when he was on an inset day or ill, collecting parcels, dealing with the dirty dishes and dirty clothes that DP and two SDC just left. Kids never ever took their house keys out as they assumed I'd be in or come home to sort them out. Then covid hit so I spent half my mat leave home schooling.

If you resent it or don't have the energy you can say no to the big stuff. How proactive is your partner with the baby?

This turn of phrase that is used so often on here, by contrast, is far more emotive than it needs to be.

Perhaps because it rings true you find it emotive.

He's now surplus to the family unit in the eyes of SM, where before his presence was okay.

He could disappear in a puff of smoke now and that would be just fine.

kids look bigger

I do remember my 2.5 yo looking like a giant next to my newborn. I had them layed down on the bed together and DD1 seemed so big, but when they're your own, my love for them is never ending and I saw it as my lovely family and me as a mother of 2. It took me back to when DD1 was a baby and you wouldn't get these feelings with a SC.

and uglier suddenly next to cute baby

Definitely not looking uglier in my case.

@SandyY2K

This turn of phrase that is used so often on here, by contrast, is far more emotive than it needs to be.

Perhaps because it rings true you find it emotive.

He's now surplus to the family unit in the eyes of SM, where before his presence was okay.

He could disappear in a puff of smoke now and that would be just fine.

No, it doesn't ring true, did you read what I said? If the SC could just disappear to their SP, that would probably be the case regardless of whether they have their own kids or not. SC are not a "requirement" that turns into a hindrance, if they are viewed as a hindrance then they will have been the whole time. Why would a SP feel like they required SC, before they have their own kids? SP are not generally seeking out men with children so they can have a family unit before having their own. That is not a natural thought process at all, it's just something people that aren't step parents say.

No not wrong OP completely normal.

He could disappear in a puff of smoke now and that would be just fine

Tbh I think there are probably a lot of step parents who feel this way regardless as to whether they have their own child or not. Even before DC, I wasn't particularly bothered whether DSC were there or not, not like before I loved having them around and then I didn't. I've felt pretty meh about it since the beginning which I imagine a lot do. Take it or leave it kind of thing.

@GrilledGroop

The fact that you feel mean and guilty, shows that you are good person and a good stepmum. It's built in protect and defend biological instinct for your baby clouding your judgement.

@AintNoMaryPoppins

No not wrong OP completely normal.

He could disappear in a puff of smoke now and that would be just fine

Tbh I think there are probably a lot of step parents who feel this way regardless as to whether they have their own child or not. Even before DC, I wasn't particularly bothered whether DSC were there or not, not like before I loved having them around and then I didn't. I've felt pretty meh about it since the beginning which I imagine a lot do. Take it or leave it kind of thing.

Yes this is what I've been trying to explain. I imagine this is how the vast majority of step parents feel, they don't love having their SC around and then suddenly lose all interest because of their child being born.

OP, why not just articulate these feelings to your husband or partner and have him sort out all of the responsibilities related to " his children'?

Your feelings may impact your relationship , but both of you are entitled to your feelings.

I have never understood why cooking for 1,or 2more people, especially children, seems for some people to be such a chore. In our house, it always seems that there is food enough extra for 1 or 2 people and how much extra laundry do the children generate.?

I can understand after having a child that you might be more aware of the differences in your feelings for your biological child, but I cannot fathom why that would make you dislike or find your step children intolerable.

Perhaps it would help if you thought of those tasks as household tasks as opposed to "mothering tasks."

In any case, just explain your feelings and thoughts on the subject to your husband and let him sort it.

I have never understood why cooking for 1,or 2more people, especially children, seems for some people to be such a chore. In our house, it always seems that there is food enough extra for 1 or 2 people and how much extra laundry do the children generate.?

You clearly don't have to cater for fussy kids who won't eat what you're making for everyone else then.

And my SC seem to generate enormous amounts of laundry. Much more than my kids do.