Step parenting is hard huh?

[eggsfor1]

I recently did a post about how my relationship failed the key instigator being the step children.

I was a twenty something with no children, I met my ex at work. He had 2 young children and a 'crazy' ex (I now understand why). I never realised this was a cliche until I started reading posts on this website.

I've been feeling so guilty about how things turned out. I thought there was something wrong with me, no one in real life talks about how hard step parenting is! I know there will be the exceptions, but overall it is very hard to take on someone else's kids!

I don't really know why I started this post, maybe just to say if you are struggling - yes it is bloody hard! No one tells you this and you don't realise until you are in too deep. I wish I had done so many things differently.

Anyone else been here? I'm in the depths of heartbreak still tell me this was for the best?

Oh I missed out that we had a child together so my ex will be in my life for quite a while. She is soon to be one and I love her immeasurably!

Yes it absolutely is OP, and you're right that hardly anyone talks about it. One of the most toxic things that is said on here is "you knew what you were getting yourself in for" - it would be extremely beneficial for all involved if people did know what they were getting themselves in for, but step parents are so scorned and pushed down for any honesty that very few talk about it openly. It perpetuates the system of people getting involved that absolutely DON'T know how hard it is going to be.

This is why I am such a strong advocate for responsibility shifting back to the parents to know what they are doing when they start dating somebody, as they are the people that actually do have a clue. They need to anticipate the ignorance of not having kids/not knowing any kids with seperated parents. They are the ones with the tools to do so.

With that in mind, I've read your other post and please don't feel bad. This man knew how tough it was and that he had issues with how you were taking to it, but had a child with you then left almost immediately. He is the one that should feel guilty.

Yup. It's a fucking nightmare.

The key instigator was your fucking useless ex-partner who decided that he wouldn't have proper boundaries with his ex, and wouldn't parent his own children properly but instead dump most/a lot of the work on you.

His children with his ex were simply the products of their parenting.

I would never do it again. It is an utterly thankless task and I have just been rejected by my now adult DSD after years and years of being in her life and doing all the hard work of looking after a child while he was the Disney Day and it is all because of STBXH lies so I feel particularly taken advantage of. If I'd have known then what I know now I never would have got involved.

Hi OP,

Yes it is very very hard and I applaud you for working so hard at it. I was completely self involved in my twenties and wouldn't have lasted five minutes.

I love my blended family to pieces but it isn't enough. The messed up relationship my ex has with his partner, the politics, the difficulties of two very different households with two polar opposite standards, relationships with wider family, views on schooling, internet, phones, food. The balance of being a parent but not being a parent. I have a very strong relationship with my partner but it's taken a beating from this dynamic.

I am happy, most of the kids are happy, we love each other. But I don't know whether I would ever do it all again. It's one of the hardest games of chess ♟ I've ever played!

Crucial error corrected 'the messed up relationship my partner has with his ex' not the other way round!

@Littlepaws18

I love my blended family to pieces but it isn't enough. The messed up relationship my ex has with his partner, the politics, the difficulties of two very different households with two polar opposite standards, relationships with wider family, views on schooling, internet, phones, food. The balance of being a parent but not being a parent. I have a very strong relationship with my partner but it's taken a beating from this dynamic.

I am happy, most of the kids are happy, we love each other. But I don't know whether I would ever do it all again. It's one of the hardest games of chess ♟ I've ever played!

This 🙌🏼 I saw a quote that someone posted the other day that resonated with me 'love is not enough'

Having another women in your relationship all the time.

And yes it was a thankless task that I could never do to a high enough standard.

I don't want to date another man with children, I got way in over my head before I had even realised.

Thanks all! I know I am a nice person, being a step parent really screwed with my MH

@aSofaNearYou

Yes it absolutely is OP, and you're right that hardly anyone talks about it. One of the most toxic things that is said on here is "you knew what you were getting yourself in for" - it would be extremely beneficial for all involved if people did know what they were getting themselves in for, but step parents are so scorned and pushed down for any honesty that very few talk about it openly. It perpetuates the system of people getting involved that absolutely DON'T know how hard it is going to be.

This is why I am such a strong advocate for responsibility shifting back to the parents to know what they are doing when they start dating somebody, as they are the people that actually do have a clue. They need to anticipate the ignorance of not having kids/not knowing any kids with seperated parents. They are the ones with the tools to do so.

With that in mind, I've read your other post and please don't feel bad. This man knew how tough it was and that he had issues with how you were taking to it, but had a child with you then left almost immediately. He is the one that should feel guilty.

Thank you! The last year has been so tough in so many ways. I just want to move on from all the stress and drama.

I'm just going to worry about my daughter and I now.

What so many young women are unaware of is that men with kids target young, naive, childfree women because they'll put up with this 'step parenting' malarkey which usually involves the woman doing the parenting part.

99% of the time these men are single for a reason.

A good rule of thumb is to never date a man with kids if you don't have them yourself, no matter how attractive they are. If they hide it from you to reel you in, dump and don't look back.

Op, I’ve been there too. Never ever again.

Stepparenting messed with my mental health too, and even now a year and a half on from my ex moving out I’m still feeling the effects of it all.

BUT, life is still better and I would rather have the life I have now as a single parent to my children rebuilding a life for just us, than go back to the life I had with my ex and being a stepmum to his child. I’m not just saying this but I think I would rather die than be have them back in my life and be miserable, especially with the ex thrown in the mix too. Life is much better without all of them. Still doesn’t mean I’m unaffected by the past, but I’m getting there.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

What so many young women are unaware of is that men with kids target young, naive, childfree women because they'll put up with this 'step parenting' malarkey which usually involves the woman doing the parenting part.

99% of the time these men are single for a reason.

A good rule of thumb is to never date a man with kids if you don't have them yourself, no matter how attractive they are. If they hide it from you to reel you in, dump and don't look back.

I wish I had listened to my mother - she said the same!

@funinthesun19

Op, I’ve been there too. Never ever again.

Stepparenting messed with my mental health too, and even now a year and a half on from my ex moving out I’m still feeling the effects of it all.

BUT, life is still better and I would rather have the life I have now as a single parent to my children rebuilding a life for just us, than go back to the life I had with my ex and being a stepmum to his child. I’m not just saying this but I think I would rather die than be have them back in my life and be miserable, especially with the ex thrown in the mix too. Life is much better without all of them. Still doesn’t mean I’m unaffected by the past, but I’m getting there.

Thank you poster, I'm so glad that you are moving on and feeling better, even if just a little.

Day by day I am slowly realising it is also for the best and just what a mess we were in.

Now I've stepped away I can see just how bad it was!

My daughter does not deserve to grow up in that situation with a dad that can act that way. I am happy that she will never remeber any of this, I know I can provide her with the stability she needs.

@RedMarauder

The key instigator was your fucking useless ex-partner who decided that he wouldn't have proper boundaries with his ex, and wouldn't parent his own children properly but instead dump most/a lot of the work on you.

His children with his ex were simply the products of their parenting.

This

@Londono

I would never do it again. It is an utterly thankless task and I have just been rejected by my now adult DSD after years and years of being in her life and doing all the hard work of looking after a child while he was the Disney Day and it is all because of STBXH lies so I feel particularly taken advantage of. If I'd have known then what I know now I never would have got involved.

Sorry to hear you have gone through this poster, I could have imagined this happening to me too.

The power play between the ex and children is just such a mind fuck.

I do honestly feel like you can never do right. Someone is always going to he hurting wether you/ you partner/ his children / or your children.

It's just to complex, I am aware there will be some exceptions but for the most part

I think it works better though if you and your partner have strong boundaries and put up with as little interference from his ex as possible. I think it often is down to the children's father rather than the step children themselves.

@Candyfloss99

I think it works better though if you and your partner have strong boundaries and put up with as little interference from his ex as possible. I think it often is down to the children's father rather than the step children themselves.

Yes you are right!

It wasn't the children at all, they were perfectly normal children and welcomed me. They were lovely really.

It was my ex and his ex.

They both made it unbearable.

My 'D'H's ex wasn't to blame, there was the usual post-divorce fall outs but it was the dynamic between me, him and DSD that was to blame. She and I actually got on much better when he wasn't around.

When he was there he was quick to jump in to tell me I couldn't tell her to do x (put her washing in the basket for example) and she would love that as any child would. Now so many years on I wonder why I put up with it and I feel like a fool. I do have my own beautiful DC now who I actually boss around more than DSD because it is life being told to put shoes away, make your bed, pack your school bag etc. Ex took each of these as an affront and a criticism. Sigh.

Every single person who spouts 'you knew what you were getting in to' needs to take a good fucking hard look at themselves.

Circumstances changes, people change, any number of things happen that you could never have expected to encounter. You can believe as much as you like 'they knew what they were getting in to', fact is, without a crystal ball to the future, no one does. You can take a well calculated risk to go ahead into a step family situation and find everything you'd calculated turned on it's head.

It was without a doubt the hardest role I've ever taken on, and I would never do so again. It effectively was a large part of why I ended up deciding I didn't want my own.

@Candyfloss99 You nailed it.

@Candyfloss99

I think it works better though if you and your partner have strong boundaries and put up with as little interference from his ex as possible. I think it often is down to the children's father rather than the step children themselves.

This has been my experience. It's not usually the children; it's their father and his failure to get over being a NRP.

And particularly his unwillingness to tackle behaviour issues that affect the whole family. He knows it's a problem but deal with it. He prefers to blame me for not just accepting it and insisting that the rest of the household matter too.

That and the simple fact that things change over time. And you don't anticipate that someone's attitude to parenting will change almost overnight when you move in together/get married.

@Londono

I would never do it again. It is an utterly thankless task and I have just been rejected by my now adult DSD after years and years of being in her life and doing all the hard work of looking after a child while he was the Disney Day and it is all because of STBXH lies so I feel particularly taken advantage of. If I'd have known then what I know now I never would have got involved.

Ah that's tough

I always say with step parenting that I went into it understanding that my DSD would always come first and that was fine but what I did not understand was how much of an impact her mums behaviour and decisions would have on my life and now my DCs lives. I was completely naive about that and it is the most difficult part.
I love my DSD and I would do it a million times over for her and DH but I would not recommend it and if DH and I split I wouldn’t do it again and 100% wouldn’t if we’d split before having DC.