Step parenting is hard huh?

[eggsfor1]

I recently did a post about how my relationship failed the key instigator being the step children.

I was a twenty something with no children, I met my ex at work. He had 2 young children and a 'crazy' ex (I now understand why). I never realised this was a cliche until I started reading posts on this website.

I've been feeling so guilty about how things turned out. I thought there was something wrong with me, no one in real life talks about how hard step parenting is! I know there will be the exceptions, but overall it is very hard to take on someone else's kids!

I don't really know why I started this post, maybe just to say if you are struggling - yes it is bloody hard! No one tells you this and you don't realise until you are in too deep. I wish I had done so many things differently.

Anyone else been here? I'm in the depths of heartbreak still tell me this was for the best?

Awful awful thankless situation with zero redeeming factors for anyone involved... Was bad for my kids/his kids and for each of us as step-parents... And no, I had NO idea how unrelentingly frustrating/hurtful/toxic it would be for all involved - especially the children.

Would never recommend even trying it. DH and I should have kept separate households and tried to maintain warm but superficial relationships with each others DC's instead of our fooked-up attempt at a blended family. Not saying that would have worked - but the 20 plus year sh*tshow MAY have been ameliorated ever so slightly.

The kids and us will be 'paying' forever emotionally in some bruising way...
Am sure it works for some though

@Mother87

Awful awful thankless situation with zero redeeming factors for anyone involved... Was bad for my kids/his kids and for each of us as step-parents... And no, I had NO idea how unrelentingly frustrating/hurtful/toxic it would be for all involved - especially the children.

Would never recommend even trying it. DH and I should have kept separate households and tried to maintain warm but superficial relationships with each others DC's instead of our fooked-up attempt at a blended family. Not saying that would have worked - but the 20 plus year sh*tshow MAY have been ameliorated ever so slightly.

The kids and us will be 'paying' forever emotionally in some bruising way...
Am sure it works for some though

You have made me feel a bit better about it being over now. Atleast I have only wasted a few years of my life and I have a beautiful daughter to show for it - so not really wasted at all.

But dreading the thought of ever getting in to a relationship again, I thought it may have just been my circumstances but I think it would be for the best to avoid men with any children!

@user648482729

I always say with step parenting that I went into it understanding that my DSD would always come first and that was fine but what I did not understand was how much of an impact her mums behaviour and decisions would have on my life and now my DCs lives. I was completely naive about that and it is the most difficult part. I love my DSD and I would do it a million times over for her and DH but I would not recommend it and if DH and I split I wouldn’t do it again and 100% wouldn’t if we’d split before having DC.

Yep another woman in your relationship the whole time, controlling your choices is so so hard

I read both your posts and I cannot shake the feeling I think we may have been with the same guy. This guy said all the same to me, had the same age children (to when I was with him), introduced me to his kids, then one day left me, ghosted me, never saw the kids again. Never saw him again! Until a year later (last spring) he text saying he'd split up with his then-gf ("she was crazy.." ) and sent me screengrab of her text to him begging to get back with him, with a some laughing emojis.... I don't know if he expected me to laugh along, but I just felt sorry for the girl and thought what a weird message for him to send me!

Moral of the story being, the guy is clearly extremely immature and you're better off bringing your daughter up instilling proper, respectful values in her!

If it is not the same guy, then it goes to show there are a lot of idiots out there!

@whatevenami

I read both your posts and I cannot shake the feeling I think we may have been with the same guy. This guy said all the same to me, had the same age children (to when I was with him), introduced me to his kids, then one day left me, ghosted me, never saw the kids again. Never saw him again! Until a year later (last spring) he text saying he'd split up with his then-gf ("she was crazy.." ) and sent me screengrab of her text to him begging to get back with him, with a some laughing emojis.... I don't know if he expected me to laugh along, but I just felt sorry for the girl and thought what a weird message for him to send me!

Moral of the story being, the guy is clearly extremely immature and you're better off bringing your daughter up instilling proper, respectful values in her!

If it is not the same guy, then it goes to show there are a lot of idiots out there!

So strange for him to send that screen grab. That's just not funny!

Dodged a bullet it sounds like! Xxx

I think it's a rare man with kids who has actually made peace with his situation. The majority of them have massive issues being an nrp, have no boundaries, are easily manipulated, & expect a new partner to do the majority grunt work while he facilities the whims of his 'first' family.
It's actually bewildering to me how weak the majority of them are & I wouldn't touch a situation like that again with a barge pole!

@Geriatric1234 if your DP's ex is upsetting you that much it means that he hasn't put sufficient boundaries in place to deal with her.

And no you aren't the children's parent. To the children you are a sort of aunt figure. This is why you shouldn't be doing childcare for your DP. (My first step-mother did do childcare for me but it was my mum who asked. )

@Magda72

I think it's a rare man with kids who has actually made peace with his situation. The majority of them have massive issues being an nrp, have no boundaries, are easily manipulated, & expect a new partner to do the majority grunt work while he facilities the whims of his 'first' family. It's actually bewildering to me how weak the majority of them are & I wouldn't touch a situation like that again with a barge pole!

This!

And Geriatric if this is the 'best' relationship of your life I'd hate to see what your bad ones were like. You're grateful to a man who hasn't put boundaries in place with his ex?

@Magda72

I think it's a rare man with kids who has actually made peace with his situation. The majority of them have massive issues being an nrp, have no boundaries, are easily manipulated, & expect a new partner to do the majority grunt work while he facilities the whims of his 'first' family. It's actually bewildering to me how weak the majority of them are & I wouldn't touch a situation like that again with a barge pole!

This!

And Geriatric if this is the 'best' relationship of your life I'd hate to see what your bad ones were like. You're grateful to a man who hasn't put boundaries in place with his ex?

@RedMarauder Aunt figure is a great way to look at it. I can work with that and sorta feels like where I’m at anyway as I’m keen not to over-step.

I don’t feel upset per se just bored. We are currently considering no-contact orders (I’d prefer this to be a very last resort as it will be so inflammatory) because she’s recently started increasing unpleasant contact with him and calling him all the names you can think of. This is off the back of her (documented) physical abuse of my partner. It’s all such a mess but we are hoping if we keep ignoring/responding without emotion and resisting the urge to respond to her digs. But she’s been telling mutual friends we had an affair when we hadn’t even met until 6 months after they broke up. It’s like she’s reading a script entitled “how to be an utter psycho ex”. But agree, this is about boundaries and us (him) learning how to enforce them.

@Geriatric1234

I am 2 years into the best relationship of my life but OMFG the ex and her constant presence is exhausting.

And step-parenting is SO WEIRD. Am I a parent? Am I not? What are the boundaries? I feel very fortunate that my DH is so patient and kind with me and his 2 children otherwise this would never have lasted.

I just want ONE DAY where the ex isn’t trying to flex. Urghhhhhh.

(Might add I came to this very neutral as I always think there’s two sides to any break-up. But....wow.)

"And step-parenting is SO WEIRD. Am I a parent? Am I not? What are the boundaries?"

This is exactly it.

"And step-parenting is SO WEIRD. Am I a parent? Am I not? What are the boundaries?"

@Geriatric1234 This is exactly the struggle I had and still have. The Aunt analogy by @RedMarauder is great one, although I do help my DP with childcare, although he does ask (rather than just expect it) and i do always feel like I can say no if I want to.

We have had quite a few issues arising out of doing things a 'mother' would do (e.g. putting to bed), which we've now agreed I take a step back on. Not because of how the DSC reacted, but more if they didn't sleep or I did it wrong, I would feel terrible and lose all my confidence at whether I'm any good. I don't have any kids of my own so its a learning curve and I didn't / don't feel ready for some things straight away.

@osbertthesyrianhamster alright! Easy there! The nuances of any relationship are very hard to truly assess in a paragraph on a mumsnet thread! ;-D

But he’s supportive, patient, kind, loves me, his kids, fancy him and I’m incredibly proud of how he’s navigating a very tricky situation with an emotionally unstable ex-partner. I feel like part of a team.

Anyway, loving most of the comments on this thread, but I understand the bitter ones too. All the best x

@osbertthesyrianhamster alright! Easy there! The nuances of any relationship are very hard to truly assess in a paragraph on a mumsnet thread! ;-D

But he’s supportive, patient, kind, loves me, his kids, fancy him and I’m incredibly proud of how he’s navigating a very tricky situation with an emotionally unstable ex-partner. I feel like part of a team. I don’t really feel the need to defend him too strangers, but perhaps mis-read the vibe of this thread...

Anyway, loving most of the comments on this thread, but I understand the bitter ones too. All the best x

"And step-parenting is SO WEIRD. Am I a parent? Am I not? What are the boundaries?"

@Geriatric1234 This is exactly the struggle I had and still have. The Aunt analogy by @RedMarauder is great one, although I do help my DP with childcare, although he does ask (rather than just expect it) and i do always feel like I can say no if I want to.

We have had quite a few issues arising out of doing things a 'mother' would do (e.g. putting to bed), which we've now agreed I take a step back on. Not because of how the DSC reacted, but more if they didn't sleep or I did it wrong, I would feel terrible and lose all my confidence at whether I'm any good. I don't have any kids of my own so its a learning curve and I didn't / don't feel ready for some things straight away.

@theemmadilemma

Every single person who spouts 'you knew what you were getting in to' needs to take a good fucking hard look at themselves.

Circumstances changes, people change, any number of things happen that you could never have expected to encounter. You can believe as much as you like 'they knew what they were getting in to', fact is, without a crystal ball to the future, no one does. You can take a well calculated risk to go ahead into a step family situation and find everything you'd calculated turned on it's head.

It was without a doubt the hardest role I've ever taken on, and I would never do so again. It effectively was a large part of why I ended up deciding I didn't want my own.

But single people who get into relationships with people who have allready got children should know what they are getting them selves into. The circumstances are allways the same with someone else's children, it doesn't take a crystal ball to work out what all the future problems, dramas, hassle, sacrifices are dating someone who allready has children brings to a relationship. The person without children will allways be the one having to adjust their lifestyle to suit the other person's childcare arrangements, a person with out children can do what ever they want, whenever they want without any planning, they have got to be pritty naive to think they can carry on the same lifestyle they had before when dating someone with children

But single people who get into relationships with people who have allready got children should know what they are getting them selves into.

But the individual circumstances vary so much and change in unexpected ways.

People are generally surprised when they actually have children because no one really knows what it's like til they're knee deep in it. All their expectations of the experience and themselves as parents tend to go out the window when faced with the reality.

And stepchildren are not the same as your own children. You don't grow into the parenting role with them and you don't have the influence you would as a parent or the choices.

As always, everyone wants to focus on the single person who didn't really have a clue what it was like to have children rather than placing the responsibility with the parent who wants to have a relationship but uses their parenthood as an excuse to treat their partner badly.

@FishyFriday

But single people who get into relationships with people who have allready got children should know what they are getting them selves into.

But the individual circumstances vary so much and change in unexpected ways.

People are generally surprised when they actually have children because no one really knows what it's like til they're knee deep in it. All their expectations of the experience and themselves as parents tend to go out the window when faced with the reality.

And stepchildren are not the same as your own children. You don't grow into the parenting role with them and you don't have the influence you would as a parent or the choices.

As always, everyone wants to focus on the single person who didn't really have a clue what it was like to have children rather than placing the responsibility with the parent who wants to have a relationship but uses their parenthood as an excuse to treat their partner badly.

I think it's wrong of anyone to expect someone to foresee all of potential scenarios they could face when starting a relationship with someone with children, however I do sometimes find threads on here baffling with the more basic parent/child issues - for example, my dp wants to spend more time with their dc but I don't, AIBU to say no to dp etc. I don't know, I just find that a bit odd, surely it's not a surprise that your dp wants to be with his child? You don't become any less of a parent because they no longer live with you?

Obviously if that scenario comes with dp expecting the poster to do all the childcare, or there's an annoying ex who's being a pain in the arse etc then that's different again, but yeah sometimes I do wonder how people get involved with someone with children and have no idea that that child may be a very regular feature - could even potentially end up living with them/their dp etc

@FishyFriday

But single people who get into relationships with people who have allready got children should know what they are getting them selves into.

But the individual circumstances vary so much and change in unexpected ways.

People are generally surprised when they actually have children because no one really knows what it's like til they're knee deep in it. All their expectations of the experience and themselves as parents tend to go out the window when faced with the reality.

And stepchildren are not the same as your own children. You don't grow into the parenting role with them and you don't have the influence you would as a parent or the choices.

As always, everyone wants to focus on the single person who didn't really have a clue what it was like to have children rather than placing the responsibility with the parent who wants to have a relationship but uses their parenthood as an excuse to treat their partner badly.

I forgot to add!

I totally agree with the last paragraph, I think the dp needs to take responsibility as well

Woah, I really needed to read this thread tonight. Thanks OP for posting.

I have just left my partner of 5yrs, 3 SC. Exhausting. The thought of not having the 'silent drama' of their Mum invisibly hanging over my life like a dull ache reminding me of her presence and authority over him is like a weight lifted. Their relationship was chaos from start to finish, and now I see why.

I've come to terms that my partners children are just like him, so they'll move on easy peasy - no doubt he'll go back to her or someone else with a domestic tool kit to offer and a nice warm home.

XXX