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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Please tell me I'm being petty and why I'm so annoyed

95 replies

disconnecteddrifter · 09/05/2021 18:41

I just bought enough snacks for lunches ans snacks, things like crisps, choc biscuits and fruit etc. They have to last the week as I work 60 plus hours. My SS on the way to his mums took a load of the snacks to take to his mums because she never has any nice food in apparently. I said I don't think it's right and if he wants to stay here then of course eat it but not to take the food to his mums.
I told my husband who said that he is fine with this and will tell ss that he can take whatever food he likes to his mums. I feel undermined so I am annoyed but also wondering whether it is petty to not allow this. I'd like your true thoughts on this and am happy to be told I'm in the wrong for not allowing it. Thank you

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Szyz2020 · 10/05/2021 17:53

@FishyFriday your post sums up my feelings exactly although it’s Disney Mum in our case rather than Dad.

@disconnecteddrifter you can actually not be the bad guy here! You can be the excellent step mum who points out to the Dad that his actions undermine his DC’s mum. Nothing to do with how you feel about the snacks being taken. Consider how the SM feels about the snacks arriving!!

FishyFriday · 11/05/2021 08:03

[quote Szyz2020]@FishyFriday your post sums up my feelings exactly although it’s Disney Mum in our case rather than Dad.

@disconnecteddrifter you can actually not be the bad guy here! You can be the excellent step mum who points out to the Dad that his actions undermine his DC’s mum. Nothing to do with how you feel about the snacks being taken. Consider how the SM feels about the snacks arriving!![/quote]
It's like they'd decided to entirely skip the parent role and become that kind of over indulgent grandparent who spoils the kids, hypes them up, fills them with rubbish and then sends them home. It's a behaviour entirely driven by the feeling that they're not really responsible for the kids because they don't have to deal with the fallout.

This is good advice OP. Approach it as not undermining their mum, who is perfectly capable of feeding her son.

LCDIT · 11/05/2021 09:05

I'd prefer to pick my 'battles' and this wouldn't be one I'd be too bothered by - it's a few snacks, I could get worked up over it.

aSofaNearYou · 11/05/2021 09:20

@LCDIT

I'd prefer to pick my 'battles' and this wouldn't be one I'd be too bothered by - it's a few snacks, I could get worked up over it.

Congrats on being rich.

dorris88 · 11/05/2021 13:47

As a step mum, I hate it when SCs come here with food. Whether that’s cakes, chocolate milkshake or a massive bar of chocolate. I don’t want their food in my house, the children are fed more than adequately, I don’t endorse kids drinking nearly a litre of milkshake. So for me that’s point one: mum won’t thank you for this

Oh i totally agree! DSS arrives so much with lollipops!! Drives me insane as my DD then wants lollipops and as someone who watched her sister choke on a cherry drop, hard boiled sweets are just totally banned from my house.

KylieKoKo · 11/05/2021 16:26

@LCDIT

I'd prefer to pick my 'battles' and this wouldn't be one I'd be too bothered by - it's a few snacks, I could get worked up over it.

This is how I feel to be honest. If DSCs want to take some chocolate or whatever from here it's up to them and if their mum has an issue it's up to her to tell her children not to in my opinion.

Magda72 · 11/05/2021 17:47

@KylieKoKo I have to disagree with you on that as it casts the dm in the bad cop role having to say no to 'treats' that are perfectly valid at dad's house but not ones that she wants in her house.
The dad here is putting both op & his ex in bad guy roles so he can appear like the good guy in his ds's eyes & that's not fair on either woman.

FishyFriday · 11/05/2021 18:16

[quote Magda72]@KylieKoKo I have to disagree with you on that as it casts the dm in the bad cop role having to say no to 'treats' that are perfectly valid at dad's house but not ones that she wants in her house.
The dad here is putting both op & his ex in bad guy roles so he can appear like the good guy in his ds's eyes & that's not fair on either woman.[/quote]
Yes. Absolutely.

KylieKoKo · 11/05/2021 18:26

Surely being the "bad cop" is part and parcel of parenting? My SCs are older though so its a bit different.

In my case I would expect their dad to step in if them taking sweets was causing an issue with their mum.

ElderMillennial · 11/05/2021 18:43

It is annoying OP and your DH should have backed you up.

I also think he will expect to do this all the time now so I'd maybe put the snacks away so that they can't just take them.

Sweettea1 · 11/05/2021 18:55

So you know he doesn't get snacks at home so why can't you or dh just pick up a few extra when doing the shop. Money isn't a issue and you will be getting your own shopping anyway not hard to throw 2 packs of crisp on the order instead of 1.

Iyiyi · 11/05/2021 18:55

Our food shopping comes out of joint money. DP pays for food for my two teen boys who are with us 7 days a week. I can’t imagine telling him he couldn’t take food that he pays for for his own kids. They often take food home, sometimes stuff he has bought separately, other times from joint food, it doesn’t bother me.

Zoomzombie · 11/05/2021 18:59

Wait until they're adults and come over and drink all your wine! ( seriously, It's maddening when you've stocked up and it's raided- I feel your pain)

BlueVelvetStars · 11/05/2021 19:29

@Zoomzombie

Wait until they're adults and come over and drink all your wine! ( seriously, It's maddening when you've stocked up and it's raided- I feel your pain)

Do they clear the Wine rack and take the Wine back to their home to drink ? 🤔

aSofaNearYou · 11/05/2021 19:34

@Sweettea1

Because it's obviously a parenting decision on their mum's part to not have those snacks in. It's very undermining to habitually provide them on her time. She has a right to not let him have them.

Magda72 · 11/05/2021 19:36

@KylieKoKo my issue is that if op knows mum doesn't give these snacks then the man who once lived with her knows this too.
What he chooses to feed his ds is his business but he's undermining the other parent with this cavalier attitude he has & I don't see why he gets to choose to be good cop! He's making both op & exw look 'mean' in the eyes of his ds.
If both households ate the same way & if he was prepared to assist op with the bloody shopping it would be a different scenario.
As it is he's behaving like a typically entitled Disney Dad.

Suzi888 · 11/05/2021 19:39

I would hide my snacks in future.
If his mum is very healthy, surely she’s going to be annoyed that these snacks are entering her home anyway!

Original poster

disconnecteddrifter · 11/05/2021 19:43

Ha ha zoomzombie! I'll be hiding that for sure.
I think I know why I was annoyed and its not cos of a 6 pack of crisps and biscuits - as with everything it's a power struggle. We are going through ds not staying overnight but not deciding until 7pm unless we all do something for him. His siblings and step siblings are resentful of what they see as soecial treatment and I took that on somewhere in my mind and got annoyed about the snacks. It was good to voice my annoyance and hear all the different responses as it helped me realise the underlying frustration.plus his mum clearly doesn't want our junk.
I cant talk to people in real life as donf want anyone to feel negatively about ds and havebr worked out what the issue is yet.

OP posts:

MzHz · 11/05/2021 20:07

He’s got WAY too much power over the house hold

The not deciding till 7? Bollocks to that! So he eats dinner and then if you’re not doing things for him he fucks off with half your snack cupboard?

You’ve got a MASSIVE dh problem. Why is he not setting some boundaries here

If you’re staying, you’re staying, and snacks in proportion are fine. You going back home? No snacks as a takeaway.

Draw some lines!

CorvusPurpureus · 11/05/2021 20:39

I'm the RP in this scenario, & I'm completely with you, OP.

I don't want the dc rocking up with snacks from their dad's house - it's fine for him to cater for them however he wants, but he does have a Disney Dad tendency to send them back with piles of crap snacks.

I'd rather not have that argument with my dc - either I'm the miserable grumpy person objecting to huge tubs of sweets, or I let them crack on & have to subsequently referee arguments because child A has persuaded child C to swap sweets for chores & child B is hacked off because child A nicked half their sweets anyway when they weren't looking & child C left theirs at their dad's & child A & B are smugly munching theirs &...No.

Buy snacks, operate whatever house rules you have, & it's none of my business. Send them my way & it's then a PITA which I genuinely don't have time for!

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