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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Please tell me I'm being petty and why I'm so annoyed

95 replies

disconnecteddrifter · 09/05/2021 18:41

I just bought enough snacks for lunches ans snacks, things like crisps, choc biscuits and fruit etc. They have to last the week as I work 60 plus hours. My SS on the way to his mums took a load of the snacks to take to his mums because she never has any nice food in apparently. I said I don't think it's right and if he wants to stay here then of course eat it but not to take the food to his mums.
I told my husband who said that he is fine with this and will tell ss that he can take whatever food he likes to his mums. I feel undermined so I am annoyed but also wondering whether it is petty to not allow this. I'd like your true thoughts on this and am happy to be told I'm in the wrong for not allowing it. Thank you

OP posts:

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VaggieMight · 09/05/2021 19:27

The dad needs to replace the snacks. If you're working a long week it's very annoying if someone takes the snacks you've planned. It's understandable that the child thinks he can take things with him from his dad's house though. Buy extra snacks in the future if money isn't the issue, but the dad should be getting them really, he should be planning ahead.

Lollypop701 · 09/05/2021 19:29

I’d be irritated.. it’s his home and he’s welcome to help himself. It is not a shopping experience. His parents don’t ‘do’ snacks which in reality means he will get them wherever he can tbh. Personally I’d hide the stuff you need for the week, and buy weekend treats to share. Yes it’s petty, but I hide chocolate from my dh and kids as if not I get nothing and I view it in the same way

Whythesadface · 09/05/2021 19:32

I think I'd your SS had asked you if he could take them , then maybe you wouldn't feel so irritated by it.
Your best bet it too ration them out, give everyone at bagful and tell SS to ask his dad for some money rather than raid your supplies.
Don't stop everyone else having treats, or you are punishing them because of SS

Magda72 · 09/05/2021 20:09

Op - It's snacks. Let him take them, and ask your husband/partner whatever to restock mid-week. Or order more in the first place.
@foxtookitaway why on earth should the op order more food for ANOTHER household. Get a grip.

Magda72 · 09/05/2021 20:14

If my dc took food from my exh's house that their sm had specifically bought to last a week I'd get them to return it. They get loads of treats from their df & sm when at theirs - they don't need to then raid their cupboards to bring surplus back to mine.

HeckyPeck · 09/05/2021 21:14

I can't believe people actually think it's ok that one child took all the other children's lunch snacks for a whole week.

It's such a selfish thing to do and his dad should have explained that to him and maybe let him take something for the car.

I suspect the people saying it's fine are only saying that because your a step mum.

It sounds like a good plan to stop buying the snacks if your partner is basically just going to give them all to your step son to take away anyway.

You can always get treats for the kids on days out etc.

Or if you do buy snacks find a good place to hide them!

Starseeking · 09/05/2021 21:27

Some of the replies on this thread are so strange.

I do all the meal planning and budgeting in our house, FOR OUR HOUSE. I don't buy extra food and snacks to stock up another house, however they may be related to our occupants.

DSS would be fine to ask to take snacks meant for him (although I'd prefer he didn't, as I think it's up to his mum what he eats there), but I wouldn't allow him to take away snacks for the rest of the house planned for the whole week to fill his mum's (or anyone else's) pantry!

ThatIsMyPotato · 09/05/2021 22:00

His mum probably doesn't want all the junk food at her house. I'm with you OP, I'd be so annoyed. Dad should have said no those are for when you're here. Or maybe at a push let him take a packet to mums and then always get one packet to send him to mums with. He shouldngave had your back and shown a united front instead of undermining you.

ThatIsMyPotato · 09/05/2021 22:01

Or ask mum if she is happy for the cost of snacks to eat at hers to be deducted from maintenance.

Tiredoftattler · 09/05/2021 22:01

OP, as long as the dad is willing to replace your snacks, you have been inconvenienced but not harmed in any way. If the dad does not object to paying for food for his son to take to his mom's house, why should you care.

It is not unreasonable that you would not want to shop or spend your money on treats to go to his mom's house, but it makes sense that his dad would not object to providing treats for him to take with him.

I would be quite upset with my husband if he objected to any of the kids , his or mine, taking treats with them to their other house. There are some things that cost so little and are so easily replaceable that it hardly seems to be worth getting upset. I would however explain to the child how some particular items are stocked on a monthly basis and need to last for a month. This can be done in an informational way and not in a critical or punitive manner.

I don't know if your response is petty, but it does seem over the top for a situation that can be so easily rectified.

LuckyMcDucky · 09/05/2021 22:09

If I was very healthy, holistic etc which I'm not, I think I'd be annoyed if I was the mum and my ds raided his dad's house for junk food. If she's very healthy and against that sort of food, it can't be that wonderful for her knowing he eats it at yours fairly frequently and now has brought back enough for 5 kids apparently.

Your DH has managed to piss her off and also you! Has the man got a death wish or is this a deliberate ploy to annoy her?

cheninblanc · 09/05/2021 22:25

I got fed up after weekends after dsd being here that we'd run out of lunch box stuff mid week,I work full time and have 2 teens going to school. So I created a box that was everyone can have what they want and a shelf in the cupboard that's for lunch box only. Works really well, all 3 teens Happy as they all know what's fair game at a weekend and what isn't and I'm no longer shopping mid week

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2021 22:26

Your husband takes over the shopping from now on if he wants to allow it, anything else is unreasonable.

makingababy · 09/05/2021 22:35

It’s not unreasonable for you to be annoyed and it’s selfish/rude of the SD to think he can take a share of the family’s food away with him.

I grew up going between mum and dad’s houses and we would never have done this, or have been allowed to if we’d asked permission. And we would have asked permission.

SandyY2K · 09/05/2021 22:52

Yes, it would irritated or rather annoy me. Now I see this is their MO, the bulk of the snacks would be hidden until they left. It's quite inconsiderate to the kids/residents who live in the house full time.

SpongebobNoPants · 10/05/2021 06:07

I have a similar issue, my SD’s don’t take things back to their mum’s but they’d be greedy and eat for example eat 3 yoghurts in one day, or drink 3 or 3 smoothies or eat several packets of crisps meaning there wouldn’t be enough to last the week and I wouldn’t be able to make up my children’s packed lunches.

In the end I started getting our food delivery on a Sunday afternoon. It meant they could literally be locusts on their weekends here but I could relax knowing the lunch items were getting delivered and would survive for the week ahead!

SpongebobNoPants · 10/05/2021 06:08

Sorry for the typos, I’m so tired 😂

EnoughnowIthink · 10/05/2021 06:43

Or ask mum if she is happy for the cost of snacks to eat at hers to be deducted from maintenance

What has any of this got to do with mum?

ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 06:43

SpongebobNoPants that's a good idea. I like this and also the snack box idea. One of my stepchildren gets through all their treats for a week in one morning so if I can put them in one place she can help herself.

ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 06:44

@EnoughnowIthink

Or ask mum if she is happy for the cost of snacks to eat at hers to be deducted from maintenance

What has any of this got to do with mum?

Dad is letting them take snacks back so he might have some arrangement with mum to provide food at their house. But yes unlikely mum is actually happy about this.

DIshedUp · 10/05/2021 06:53

You say he took enough for 2 days. How much did he actually take? Is it you who's without or his siblings? It sounds like siblings friends have also eaten a fair amount.

I wouldn't have a problem with him taking a couple of snacks with him. But taking the majority of the snacks is not really on. Having said that if you run low before your normal shop just get your DH to replace them

Orangebug · 10/05/2021 07:04

So what is DH's suggested solution if DSS takes all the snacks and there are none left for any of the rest of you? Rather than getting angry I would leave the ball in his court here. Let him find a solution. If the other kids ask for snacks and there aren't any left, tell them to ask their dad / step dad.

Billandben444 · 10/05/2021 07:08

If I was the holistic, yoga-loving mum, I'd be pretty pissed off that my child not only stuffed its face with junk at its dad's but then brought shit loads of it home! The mum is the one being undermined by her ex and by you. I'd limit the snacks you buy anyway (how much do you all get through in a week?) and hide a stache away for packed lunches - when the snack cupboard is empty that's it until next delivery so unlikely to be any to take home. Tbh, I find this concept of 'a snack cupboard' a bit alien when childhood obesity and healthy eating are always in the headlines. Could you tell the child that you've put some (healthier) snacks to one side for it to take home?

sassbott · 10/05/2021 07:27

You’re not being petty. It’s rude.
Like you, I work hard and a weekly shop is planned carefully to meet the requirements of all the occupants within the house for the rest of the week. If my DC regularly emptied my cupboards to take food to their dads (to feed another household) I would absolutely have words.

It actually shows a huge disregard for the people in the home who actually also need that food. And the adults who need to find the time and money to get back to the shop and restock.

To those posters saying ‘who says no to their children re snacks?’. I used to regularly.
If I get in special popcorn I say this popcorn is for movie night, don’t eat it beforehand please. It’s called teaching people to be respectful of other people’s needs and asking (it’s an excellent lesson to teach children before they become young adults and share households with other people). We’ve all lived with that person who thinks nothing of raiding other peoples food stores and then laughs / looks surprised when people are then annoyed. They also evidently lived with parents who didn’t teach them manners.

Stand your ground Op, this is rude.

MzHz · 10/05/2021 07:45

I agree with the fact that ds mum might not be happy with the level of crap

Time and time again there are threads from mums bemoaning the amount of crap their dads allow them to eat

I don’t think you’re being petty at all @disconnecteddrifter

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