Please tell me I'm being petty and why I'm so annoyed

[disconnecteddrifter]

I just bought enough snacks for lunches ans snacks, things like crisps, choc biscuits and fruit etc. They have to last the week as I work 60 plus hours. My SS on the way to his mums took a load of the snacks to take to his mums because she never has any nice food in apparently. I said I don't think it's right and if he wants to stay here then of course eat it but not to take the food to his mums.
I told my husband who said that he is fine with this and will tell ss that he can take whatever food he likes to his mums. I feel undermined so I am annoyed but also wondering whether it is petty to not allow this. I'd like your true thoughts on this and am happy to be told I'm in the wrong for not allowing it. Thank you

As the RP, I'd be pissed off if the DCs returned on a Sunday night with a bag full of teeth-rotting, greasy, high fat shit. When they were at their dad's they could do/eat what they wanted - his time=his rules.

We didn't do snacks in our house.

Look at it this way - your husband's son (a child) doesn't have the snacks at home that he enjoys. When he goes to his dad, the snacks are there having been bought for other children in his dad's home.

He was wrong to just take it without asking but he is a child and this is food.

You could buy extra and allow him to take some home. It would be a small but kind thing to do and show a huge amount of empathy.

@NovemberRain2 his father was wrong to let him take them full stop. Not only was it disrespectful to the op but also to the dm who chooses to feed her dc differently! The dad doesn't get to choose who eats what, where - they are two separate households and while it may be 'hard' on the child not getting the treats he wants in his dm's house that is HER choice & I don't really think not getting certain treats at home during the week is a situation that needs empathy!

@OllyBJolly

As the RP, I'd be pissed off if the DCs returned on a Sunday night with a bag full of teeth-rotting, greasy, high fat shit. When they were at their dad's they could do/eat what they wanted - his time=his rules.

We didn't do snacks in our house.

I'd assume that the mother might feel the same if she purposefully doesn't buy snacks.

@OllyBJolly

As the RP, I'd be pissed off if the DCs returned on a Sunday night with a bag full of teeth-rotting, greasy, high fat shit. When they were at their dad's they could do/eat what they wanted - his time=his rules.

We didn't do snacks in our house.

Exactly!! His mum might not have snacks in for a reason.

I think your issue should be with your DP not any of the kids/step kids. He should either have said 'no' or he should be doing the shopping for them.

Personally, I'd have told him he could have taken 1 or 2 things rather than a whole load. After all, if they're treats he shouldn't be having loads anyway and that's probably why the mum doesn't have them in her own house.

Your later post about the other DSC's having friends round and them all eating snacks. I'd say yabu to be annoyed about this as it's normal to give kids plus their friends snacks when they're round to play. Again the solution is to get your DP to do the shopping if you're not happy about it

@NovemberRain2

Look at it this way - your husband's son (a child) doesn't have the snacks at home that he enjoys. When he goes to his dad, the snacks are there having been bought for other children in his dad's home.

He was wrong to just take it without asking but he is a child and this is food.

You could buy extra and allow him to take some home. It would be a small but kind thing to do and show a huge amount of empathy.

I'd actually be annoyed if my DS came home with a load of snack from his dads. I have healthier snacks in my house for a reason and no doubt my DS complains that I don't buy all the good stuff!

Kids shouldn't be allowed to eat what they want when they want just because they're living between 3 houses

Sorry 2 houses!!! So annoying there's no edit button, was just a typo

OP I’m a step mum and I don’t think you’re being petty.

As a step mum, I hate it when SCs come here with food. Whether that’s cakes, chocolate milkshake or a massive bar of chocolate. I don’t want their food in my house, the children are fed more than adequately, I don’t endorse kids drinking nearly a litre of milkshake. So for me that’s point one: mum won’t thank you for this.

1. You have a DH problem. He can’t say no to his child. If the child is well fed at mum’s and it’s just a case of snacks, I still would argue the toss. Because the signal he has just sent is undermining mum. The sooner kids learn that it’s two different households with two different rules, the better. I quite often get ‘mummy lets me do XYZ’ and I don’t care, because mummy may well let you stay up playing PlayStation until 1am but I’m not going to. Our house, our rules. Mum’s house, mum’s rules. Nanny’s house, nanny’s rules. If he carries on like this it won’t just be snacks, it will be tech, clothes, whatever it is that is ‘better’ at either home.

1. The snacks. I’ve found that SC’s descend on the house like a plague of locusts. This is because DP got into a bad habit of treating them with food. The treats got out of hand and I cut it down. If it is there, SC’s will eat it.

So now, it’s either there and I’ve accepted it is gone. It’s either not there and the kids can’t eat it. Or it’s hidden and woe betide anyone who eats it.

I’ve made a point of not replacing them, and DP finally realised a) how that affects the children and b) how irritating it is to have to go and buy them first thing of a morning and c) that it’s okay to say ‘actually don’t eat all the crisps, drink all the milk etc because there won’t be enough for your lunch/breakfast tomorrow’. It’s more than okay it is a good thing to think about the future.

So yes it feels petty. But it sends a bigger signal doesn’t it, to you, to your children. That actually, at Mum’s house SS has food but he’s decided he wants yours and Dad says that’s okay even though it means your children go without. It says your feelings are disregarded. And it says SS has his own way.

It’s not about the snacks or the money. It’s about the lack of thought, for everyone else involved. People have talked about how it doesn’t matter because SS is part of your family...being part of the family requires an awareness of others and this behaviour endorsed by DH just doesn’t show it.

I do understand why this annoyed you, but I also think it’s something you should plan to provide in future. For the sake of making your step-son feel loved and cherished, I don’t think it’s too big a hardship to get in a few extra snacks for him to take away.

I’m not one to say you have to bend over backwards to accommodate every whim of your DSS, but on this occasion it seems like a reasonably small concession. If, however, it’s a real pain for you to do it then you can make getting the extra snacks your husband’s responsibility.

@MyCatIsADentist

I do understand why this annoyed you, but I also think it’s something you should plan to provide in future. For the sake of making your step-son feel loved and cherished, I don’t think it’s too big a hardship to get in a few extra snacks for him to take away.

I’m not one to say you have to bend over backwards to accommodate every whim of your DSS, but on this occasion it seems like a reasonably small concession. If, however, it’s a real pain for you to do it then you can make getting the extra snacks your husband’s responsibility.

If she does this every time it constitutes a whole other household expense. Depends how well off you are I suppose but I don't think it makes a lot of sense to have to buy a load of snacks for another household.

And then there's the fact that his mum probably does not want him to have those snacks at hers, or she'd have bought them herself.

No chance would I be alright with this, you do your shopping for your house, not for somebody else's.

If it was stuff specifically for SS then I wouldn't mind but not just general snack food that everyone would eat.

@OllyBJolly

As the RP, I'd be pissed off if the DCs returned on a Sunday night with a bag full of teeth-rotting, greasy, high fat shit. When they were at their dad's they could do/eat what they wanted - his time=his rules.

We didn't do snacks in our house.

Agree with this as well. Maybe there's a reason his mum doesn't have this stuff in the house and she may not be happy he's bringing it back.

@foxtookitaway

A lot of froth over a child and some snacks. Hilariously mumsnet.

I have and always will feel sorry for step-children. It's a shit deal.

Feeling sorry for SC doesnt mean they should be allowed to behave as they like. This is the main problem ,Dads who feel guilty then let their DC ( particulary the DS)behave as they like. And it goes on The next generation of over indulged men no one has ever said no to.

No that would annoy me too. YANBU.

If his Dad wants to allow it, I'd be so expecting him to restock the cupboards from his own pocket.

If it was a case of a specific treat that had been bought for them i.e their favourite sweets, I could understand. But regularly taking chunks of the weekly shop to his mum's? No.

Snack boxes. Each child has a box with their name on. Snacks are divided up equally. They are replenished once a week. When snacks are gone, they're gone. Your SDC can take snacks home from their share, but nothing more. The system works.

You could buy extra and allow him to take some home. It would be a small but kind thing to do and show a huge amount of empathy.

But no respect at all for his mother who wants him to grow up with good teeth and a healthy body! What is this obsession with snacks fhs.

It doesn’t happen often thankfully but I find it annoying when DSD turns up with crap snacks. (We are not fanatical but we do try to make good choices for treat foods.) So I think your DP is being inconsiderate to DSC’s mother in letting them bring home snacks that their mother doesn’t condone. While also not respecting your efforts at ensuring there are the right levels of snacks available.

Another vote for snack boxes or a shop to arrive in Sunday evening after he goes back to mums.

I would also say mum isnt too happy with this either from your description. Were the other way around and very much restrict junk food while mum is far more lenient. Only once has "snacks" been sent down with DSS for a weekend away camping. It was a big tub of haribo. It immediately got taken off him and he got a reasonable amount of sweets.
Are you sure mum wont just confiscate this stuff?

Its cheeky. Tell him he can't have any snacks at your house because his Mum disapproves. He's taking advantage.

If I was the Mum in this situation I'd be pretty annoyed with my ex. Don't send the kid home with a bunch of snacks - it's pretty rude and undermining. A few maybe, but no more than one packet of sweets/crisps.
Snack boxes sound like a fair way of sharing the goodies with a further box of out of bounds lunchables.

@Beamur

If I was the Mum in this situation I'd be pretty annoyed with my ex. Don't send the kid home with a bunch of snacks - it's pretty rude and undermining. A few maybe, but no more than one packet of sweets/crisps. Snack boxes sound like a fair way of sharing the goodies with a further box of out of bounds lunchables.

I'd be really annoyed. It's undermining and forces you to be the 'bad guy' who says no to all the snacks.

That kind of irritation, writ large, is what I would imagine it's like to have to deal with a Disney dad ex. Kids coming home overtired, with bags full of snacks, annoyed that there are boundaries and discipline and expectations in your house and feeling hugely entitled to 'treats' of all kinds at your house. It'd be utterly exhausting as you have to pick up all the actual parenting, with added resentment from the kids because they don't want to eat proper food and go to bed at a reasonable hour because their dad just lets anything go and hands out treats instead.

I don't really get the snack box idea - it doesn't solve the issue in this case?

SS has access to these snacks while he's at his dad's and it's not that he's eating more than his share but that he's packing them up and taking them home. Unless something has been bought specifically for him especially and no one else would eat it, all food should be staying at his dad's for the rest of the household, or even himself next time he's there.

If he has a snack box, unless there is only minimal snacks in it for the weekend, he'll just take the rest of the contents to his mum's as well!

I vote for the shop for Sunday evening as well, the he can still enjoy what he wants when he's with you but there won't be enough to take home.

OP, DO NOT buy extras for the SC to take home.

It's bad enough that the child is taking snacks from his dad's house home but as a mother I d be furious to find the dad and stepmother sticking their oars in to my business and actually buying snack foods specifically for my house as if I cannot look after my own child properly.

I can imagine the crap that could cause.

This happens to us - DSC comes back from
his mum’s with a bag of junk food / sweets / crisps etc most weeks. It is undermining, it implies we don’t feed / treat him and it gives him carte blanche to squirrel away a load of food in his room, with crumbs, wrappers and doughnut boxes all over the place. It transposes his Mum’s rules and values to our house and it is very irritating, not to say unfair to the other DC who do not have a stash of snacks available to them.