Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Moving in worries

55 replies

ellepp · 08/05/2021 18:36

Me and my DP have just started talking about moving in together after being together for 2 years. We both have similar aged boys who get on well. DP is a good dad and spends lots of time with his son.

Although we have only started discussing the logistics of having one home, I do have quite a big worry and I just wondered if people think I'm over thinking things.

My DP enjoys gaming and so does his son. My concern is that when he has his son over, that's all they do, bar maybe an hour or two. Literally all day long. My son quite likes playing too, but I limit his time on there. Both our DC are 8 and I just don't agree with spending hours playing computer.

I know if we move in together they will continue to play for hours on end and my son will still only be allowed limited time on there which he may think is unfair.

This all probably sounds silly, but I think it could cause problems?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Wallywobbles · 09/05/2021 07:47

Living with a gamer would be a hard no from me. Boring fuckers IMO. Not a popular view probably but one I'm happy to stick with.

Magda72 · 09/05/2021 08:00

@ellepp I'm pretty sure any physical or mental health professional would deem 7 hours gaming a day for anyone, let alone an 8 year old, as very harmful.
This is actually piss poor parenting on the part of your dp who is encouraging addictive and antisocial behaviour in his 8 year old in order to facilitate his own love of gaming.

The fact that he (Dp) won't even entertain alternatives, combined with the fact that you say he won't agree to living apart until the dc are older are massive red flags for me.
Honestly? He sounds very selfish & a bit of a bully and I would not want that for myself, nor would I want my child exposed to it.

Firefliess · 09/05/2021 08:08

Living as a blended family with kids of similar ages requires the same house rules for all. There's no way it will work for your DP's DS to be allowed to game all day and your DS not.

One of the nice things about being a single parent is the autonomy to decide on all the rules. You don't even need to think of them as rules as it's just that you're the parent so you decide things. You lose that autonomy if you move in with another parent, so the only way it can work is if you're both prepared for that, and to compromise on how you do things. Even then it's hard work at times, but i wouldn't contemplate moving in together unless your DP gets that, and you can discuss and agree all the house rules - including gaming - in advance.

WildfirePonie · 09/05/2021 08:14

Are you getting a place together or is he/you moving into your/his house?

I'd call it off.

Why won't he wait? There must be something good for him that he can't wait for. Is he moving to you... ?

olivesnutsandcheeseplease · 09/05/2021 08:21

His parenting sounds completely incompatible to yours (and if I'm being judgemental, bloody awful) it's so bad for an 8 year old to game for that amount of time. Also the fact that the boy won't do anything else except game. Where is the fresh air? Where is the exercise? Family days out?

I would run a mile. I can't see how you can make this transition work (or what you see in him either)

DurhamDurham · 09/05/2021 08:32

Living with a gamer would be a hard no from me. Boring fuckers IMO. Not a popular view probably but one I'm happy to stick with

Absolutely this, I'd find an adult gaming all day a massive turn off.

Original poster

ellepp · 09/05/2021 10:07

@Magda72

*This is actually piss poor parenting on the part of your dp who is encouraging addictive and antisocial behaviour in his 8 year old in order to facilitate his own love of gaming.
*
Magda what you said there unfortunately may have hit the nail on the end. I never thought of it that way. If DP wasn't a gamer then there would be no way he'd let his son play for 7 hours a day.

I appreciate everyone is different but I agree that it is doing his son absolutely no favours playing that much. He has a mini tantrum when DP tells him to get off, and when DP does suggest doing an alternative activity, his son refuses.

OP posts:

ClimbTime · 09/05/2021 10:23

You think this and you’re considering living with him? Recipe for disaster.

Moonface123 · 09/05/2021 10:35

No wonder you are concerned. I personally would stay as you are, so much easier for you. You will only end up arguing and resenting him and his son.
Think very carefully what you are letting yourself in for, it's a lot easier to get into a relationship than out of one.

CraftyYankee · 09/05/2021 10:50

What do you do while the two of them spend 7 hours gaming? Sounds pretty boring. Perhaps he wants to move in so you can provide him and his son with endless refreshments and house cleaning during those 7 hours, more time for gaming! 🤦🏻‍♀️

crimsonlake · 09/05/2021 10:53

I could not live with an adult who spends most of his free time gaming. What do you do together?

Original poster

ellepp · 09/05/2021 10:55

@CraftyYankee I tend not to see DP that much when he has his son - I'd have to sit and watch them game for hours and I personally think it's boring (and a waste of time!).

OP posts:

ClimbTime · 09/05/2021 11:03

I tend not to see DP that much when he has his son - I'd have to sit and watch them game for hours and I personally think it's boring (and a waste of time!).

So you also haven’t spent much time with his son. But you’re going to move in with his dad. I presume his son would live with you both at least part time if you live together? You’d be a step parent. But you don’t really know this child. This really doesn’t sound like a good idea.

CupoTeap · 09/05/2021 11:05

Agreeing how to parent both children when living together is really important. I didn't move in with my dp because of this. I knew we didn't parent the same and it was something we could compromise on.

You need to talk through how it will work. If you can't agree then it's either remain as you are, or if he feels the relationship needs to move fit then perhaps it will mean splitting up. You've both been through this before and should want to avoid a break up once everyone has moved in.

CupoTeap · 09/05/2021 11:06

*couldn't

Original poster

ellepp · 09/05/2021 11:09

@ClimbTime Sorry I'm tired and not explaining very well! Previously I spent a fair amount of time with DP when he had his son but the last few months I've reduced it considerably as I was finding that I was just sitting there watching them game.

It's hard - it seems ridiculous for me to say to DP I don't think us moving in would be the best idea due to your gaming, but then as other people have pointed it if we did move in it would end up me and my son being the ones who struggle!

OP posts:

ClimbTime · 09/05/2021 11:16

Previously I spent a fair amount of time with DP when he had his son but the last few months I've reduced it considerably as I was finding that I was just sitting there watching them game.

But surely, if you’ve felt the need to reduce the amount of time you spend with your partner when he has his son, you can see this isn’t the right time to be moving in together and spending more time than ever with his son. It makes no sense.

Original poster

ellepp · 09/05/2021 11:20

@ClimbTime Yeh I completely see your point!

I thought I was being a bit unreasonable having doubts about moving in with him simply due to the fact they game but I can see by people's replies that I'm not!

OP posts:

Tigertealeaves · 09/05/2021 11:26

What is the point of them moving in, if they aren't going to bother spending time with you?

ClimbTime · 09/05/2021 11:27

I thought I was being a bit unreasonable having doubts about moving in with him simply due to the fact they game but I can see by people's replies that I'm not!

It’s not unreasonable at all. Blended families are hard enough, without starting from a point of very differing parenting values and avoiding being with the other ones child. I think you and your son would be quite unhappy if you moved in. I think there would be constant conflict about the kids.

Tigertealeaves · 09/05/2021 11:28

What does your DP think will be the benefit of the new arrangement, I mean?

bullyingadvice2017 · 09/05/2021 11:29

This is the sort of thing that causes major issues......having been married to a gamer. They don't get the problem at all.

SandyY2K · 09/05/2021 11:31

Previously I spent a fair amount of time with DP when he had his son but the last few months I've reduced it considerably as I was finding that I was just sitting there watching them game.

So the times when you spent a fair amount of time with DP when he has his son, they've been gaming...is tgst right? Then you got fed up of watching them game over the last few months and you've stopped.

In the time your sons are together, donthe boys do any activities other than gaming?

It seems like your DP doesn’t know how else to engage your son, but if the boys were together they might do other things asides from gaming. It's a big might...but something you could try suggesting.

Does your DP game a lot when it's just the 2 of you?

I think the way to frame it, is not because of the gaming, but different parenting styles that you envisage would be problematic.

Asides from gaming, do you agree with his parenting style? The food he gives his DS, hygiene standards, tidying up after himself etc

Original poster

ellepp · 09/05/2021 11:32

@bullyingadvice2017 If you don't mind me asking, are you still together, and if not was it partly to do with the gaming?

OP posts:

WaterBottle123 · 09/05/2021 11:33

Don't do it OP. Your DP isn't a good dad, it's neglectful to encourage that much gaming. It will very quickly lead to fights and unhappiness.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.