Moving in worries

[ellepp]

Me and my DP have just started talking about moving in together after being together for 2 years. We both have similar aged boys who get on well. DP is a good dad and spends lots of time with his son.

Although we have only started discussing the logistics of having one home, I do have quite a big worry and I just wondered if people think I'm over thinking things.

My DP enjoys gaming and so does his son. My concern is that when he has his son over, that's all they do, bar maybe an hour or two. Literally all day long. My son quite likes playing too, but I limit his time on there. Both our DC are 8 and I just don't agree with spending hours playing computer.

I know if we move in together they will continue to play for hours on end and my son will still only be allowed limited time on there which he may think is unfair.

This all probably sounds silly, but I think it could cause problems?

Yes it will cause problems especially as they get to their teenage years.

You need to have similar parenting values and you don't.

Can you come to a prearranged compromised - ie gaming for x time x days a week. Longer than you want, shorter than he wants, but fair for both kids.
Otherwise you're right - you can't tell an 8 year old he can't game as another 8 year old in the house is doing it.

Honestly different parent values mixed together just doesn't work. Its too hard. I think nrp change when they move in with their partners dcs. Dad guilt becomes a massive thing and spoils the whole relationship.

But I'm quite bitter as I thought I found the one and now we're separating after 5 months of marriage for those reasons!

Will he not think I'm ridiculous for worrying about this? I know they won't reduce how much they game, they both love it too much.

He might think you are ridiculous, in which case he isn't the one for you. If he listens to your concerns and treats them as valid even if he doesnt change his parenting style then it's up to you how to proceed but at least he isn't dismissing your feelings.

I agree with others that it won't work. You'll end up in an untenable situation and resentful about it.

You could stagger contact arrangements so that his son is there while your son is at his dad's. But otherwise you'll just be very frustrated trying to parent your way alongside very different values and ideas.

It's really hard. Harder than you think to look at your SC and think, 'there's no way I want that for my child'. But know that he's seeing it anyway and being influenced by it.

@OP, if you ask your partner to give up or curtail an activity that both he and his son enjoy doing together simply because you are unable to make your son understand that you and your partner have different parenting styles and views about the value of certain activities , that is in effect saying that he and his son need to give up an activity simply because your son will be unhappy because you limit his participation in that activity.

If your child has not yet learned that different parents have different rules, resources , expectations, and points of view, now is the time to begin acquainting him with those real life realities. This process should begin long before you make any plans to move in together.

You should also question how will you and your partner adapt to living together when you have what may be different parenting and value systems. Will you each be able to respect the right of the other to parent their child as they see fit?

The issues may come from the different parenting styles that you each bring to the table and your respective abilities to allow each other the freedom to parent their child as they see fit.

My advice would be to keep it seperate until dc are older and past their teenage years. If you two are meant to be it will still work continuing to live apart until different parenting styles are no longer an issue. If you have a lovely relationship don't ruin it.

We had a similar issue before moving in together. What we did was to agree fixed hours of the day when gaming was ok, and fixed hours when it wasn't. It meant the kids had quite a bit more gaming time than I'd ideally have preferred, but less than if it was left to DP. It worked pretty well, but what we also did was to move to the new rules as far as possible before moving in together, so that everyone was used to them and I wasn't blamed (too much) for being the anti gamer

@Firefliess That sounds pretty reasonable to me! Unfortunately I'm fairly sure my DP wouldn't agree to that as he is more than happy to play with his DS all day long!

[quote Tiredoftattler]@OP, if you ask your partner to give up or curtail an activity that both he and his son enjoy doing together simply because you are unable to make your son understand that you and your partner have different parenting styles and views about the value of certain activities , that is in effect saying that he and his son need to give up an activity simply because your son will be unhappy because you limit his participation in that activity.

If your child has not yet learned that different parents have different rules, resources , expectations, and points of view, now is the time to begin acquainting him with those real life realities. This process should begin long before you make any plans to move in together.

You should also question how will you and your partner adapt to living together when you have what may be different parenting and value systems. Will you each be able to respect the right of the other to parent their child as they see fit?

The issues may come from the different parenting styles that you each bring to the table and your respective abilities to allow each other the freedom to parent their child as they see fit.[/quote]
Stop with the condescending comments. You might think you're the voice of bloody reason but you're not.

@Tiredoftattler My son does understand that different parents have different rules, but equally he's only 8 (just turned)?!

It sounds like it’s best for everyone if you just continue to live apart, then neither child is upset.

That sounds pretty reasonable to me! Unfortunately I'm fairly sure my DP wouldn't agree to that as he is more than happy to play with his DS all day long!

It would sound reasonable to your partner to let your son play games all day with them. It’s just different parenting.

I agree it’s different parenting! My DP thinks it’s ok for his DS8 to game for 7 hours a day, whereas I don’t.

I agree it’s different parenting! My DP thinks it’s ok for his DS8 to game for 7 hours a day, whereas I don’t.

Exactly. Best to just parent and live separately I think. I don’t think it’s fair on the child to have to change something he likes and that his dad is ok with to accommodate your views. And obviously you shouldn’t have to change your views and let your child play games for 7 hours a day.

@ClimbTime

I agree it’s different parenting! My DP thinks it’s ok for his DS8 to game for 7 hours a day, whereas I don’t.

Exactly. Best to just parent and live separately I think. I don’t think it’s fair on the child to have to change something he likes and that his dad is ok with to accommodate your views. And obviously you shouldn’t have to change your views and let your child play games for 7 hours a day.

this ^ i would live separately, until they are much older. Keep it a good relationship, these things can ruin them

Is there an activity that you can come up with that will involve all of you to take them away from the games? I agree with pp that your DS will feel maybe cheated if they’re doing something he can’t.

@Bimblingaway Unfortunately all DP's son wants to do is play game, he won't entertain anything else.

I don't think I'd mind waiting to live together until the DC are older but I know DP wouldn't agree to that.

I don't think I'd mind waiting to live together until the DC are older but I know DP wouldn't agree to that.

What do you mean, he wouldn’t agree to it? He can’t make you live with him.

Why would you want to live with such a rubbish df anyway?

He’s not a good dad. 7 hours gaming for an 8 year old is shocking.

You can’t live together, you’re not on the same page and you and your son will be miserable.

If moving in is a deal breaker for him then it’s over.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
Are you the Internet police? I voice my opinions just like everyone else.
The OPs are capable of discerning what is or is not useful to them. I think that it is more than presumptuous of you to think that the OPs are so incapable that they need you or anyone else to run interference for them. That may not be condescending but it smacks of arrogance.

[quote ellepp]@Bimblingaway Unfortunately all DP's son wants to do is play game, he won't entertain anything else.

I don't think I'd mind waiting to live together until the DC are older but I know DP wouldn't agree to that. [/quote]
But it's your choice?

That’s not a good dad to let a kid that young game for that long. That’s a lazy dad who is also going to be too busy gaming with his kid to “help” with all the household chores equally. Your workload will increase, and your kid is going to be upset because he’s not allowed to game all day. Massively different parenting approaches and you’ll be the one everything gets dumped on. Don’t live together.