Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Has anyone split up because of their step kids?

53 replies

eggsfor1 · 07/05/2021 14:53

I split with an ex nearly a year ago, we have 1 one year old child together.

He was never honest with my why the split happened, and today I found out it was because I wasn't a good enough step mum.

I find it all quite unfair, I did the best I could with what I knew, I was only 27 never really been around kids before and they were so young (4 & 6) they lived 1 hour 45 mins away and came eow.

I know this is probably naive but since having my own child I realise so many things that were so annoying are in fact normal, like arguing they used to argue 24/7 I didn't know this was a thing?! Eating, I didn't realise they could be so picky with food, even pick their own food and then decide they don't want it. As an adult I got frustrated by this. Touching, they wanted to touch me all the time, holding my hand or sitting on my lap, I found it all very strange. But now know this is normal too.

I wish he could have just spoken to me and we could have done something about this. I would have moved closer to them, or even just give me more time, I'm ready for family life now and everything that it entails.

I just wanted to know if this had happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 07/05/2021 14:57

You were not a shit step-mum.

You were just not use to being around children.

It his fault for not stepping up and parenting his own children but instead dumping their care on a woman.

BlackDaffodil · 07/05/2021 15:00

Does it matter OP.

He's being very unfair, but would you expect any other response from Him. I'd think not.

He sounds like a Dick. 🌸

DeepThinkingGirl · 07/05/2021 15:05

Depends OP what you used to do when they tried holding your hand or sit on your lap.

Was your reaction hurtful to his children??

I think this was very difficult for you but also he should’ve recognized your lack of experience around children when he first married you and so he should’ve helped ease you into it, did he not used to step up for his kids ?

R u sure that’s his real reason fri leaving you and not bevshse it’s a believable cliche excuse

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2021 15:12

Sounds like you split up because he's an arrogant dick, OP.

DeepThinkingGirl · 07/05/2021 15:15

You split up a year ago ?? And that’s when you were pregnant with his baby?!

And he is judging you as a “step parent”? How is he like now with his one year old ?!

Rtmhwales · 07/05/2021 15:17

He had his kids 2 days out of 14. It's not like he was father of the year regardless. I find my step kids irritating and I have a child. Their dad knows this. Kids are irritating. I can't imagine he'd leave me over it.

Original poster
eggsfor1 · 07/05/2021 15:20

He left when she was 10 weeks old, saying he had bad MH problems. He grew up I care and was apparently having flashbacks from his horrible childhood etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
eggsfor1 · 07/05/2021 15:22

I used to let him take the lead with his children, as he was their father.

I think he wanted me to be an all singing and dancing step mum. But I didn't know how to do this?!

I voiced my concerns to him as to how I was feeling.

He wasn't able to see them for a while over lockdown and me being heavily pregnant.

Apparently he nearly 'lost his relationship with them entirely'

OP posts:
Original poster
eggsfor1 · 07/05/2021 15:24

@DeepThinkingGirl

Depends OP what you used to do when they tried holding your hand or sit on your lap.

Was your reaction hurtful to his children??

I think this was very difficult for you but also he should’ve recognized your lack of experience around children when he first married you and so he should’ve helped ease you into it, did he not used to step up for his kids ?

R u sure that’s his real reason fri leaving you and not bevshse it’s a believable cliche excuse

Oh no, I would never try and be hurtful.

I would often put my hands in my pockets as I didn't want them to hold me hands?!

And if I was feeling overwhelmed I would leave the 3 of them to take a day trip on their own.

OP posts:
DeepThinkingGirl · 07/05/2021 15:25

Sounds like he needs therapy and is dumping his issues on you

Sorry you had to go through this OP

Original poster
eggsfor1 · 07/05/2021 15:34

@DeepThinkingGirl

Sounds like he needs therapy and is dumping his issues on you

Sorry you had to go through this OP

Thank you.
OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2021 15:41

@eggsfor1

He left when she was 10 weeks old, saying he had bad MH problems. He grew up I care and was apparently having flashbacks from his horrible childhood etc.
Well this is why you broke up then, isn't it? He's trying to shift the blame onto you, probably because he feels guilty, when the reality is he's been a worse parent than you have been a step parent, and his was the more important role to get right.
Magda72 · 07/05/2021 15:43

Sounds to me like he was looking for someone else to parent his children & you didn't play ball the way he envisioned you would.
So sorry you've been through this but tbh I think you are far better off without him.
Thanks

wigjuice · 07/05/2021 15:46

I think his reasons were more about what was going on in his own head and not about you as a step parent, it's rather cowardly of him to lay the blame on your shoulders.

BlackDaffodil · 07/05/2021 15:49

He's looking for someone to blame for his bad relationship with his kids, and you're it OP.

Don't even engage with him about this issue. If he pursues it, call him out, on his lies. Stick it to him.

LindaEllen · 07/05/2021 15:53

Ask me in a few months and the answer might be yes.

It's not my partner's fault at all, but 17yo is rude, lazy, loud, aggressive and argumentative, drinking a lot and shouting at us, and I'm just reaching the end of my tether. I love DP but I can't take much more of this.

FWIW he was a lovely little boy when we first met. I'd never have guessed this would happen.

Original poster
eggsfor1 · 07/05/2021 15:59

@Magda72

Sounds to me like he was looking for someone else to parent his children & you didn't play ball the way he envisioned you would. So sorry you've been through this but tbh I think you are far better off without him. Thanks
Thank you poster, it think this is it tbh. It didn't work out as he envisioned, he wasn't willing to give it time or work on it and left :(
OP posts:
Original poster
eggsfor1 · 07/05/2021 16:00

@wigjuice

I think his reasons were more about what was going on in his own head and not about you as a step parent, it's rather cowardly of him to lay the blame on your shoulders.
Thank you 😭 I have literally spent the last year trying to work out what happened and how it went so wrong so quickly. It was probably always going to end this way.
OP posts:
Original poster
eggsfor1 · 07/05/2021 16:01

@BlackDaffodil

He's looking for someone to blame for his bad relationship with his kids, and you're it OP.

Don't even engage with him about this issue. If he pursues it, call him out, on his lies. Stick it to him.

He had an awful relationship with the children's mother, apparently they used to shout at each other in the street in front of the children 😭
OP posts:
Original poster
eggsfor1 · 07/05/2021 16:02

@LindaEllen

Ask me in a few months and the answer might be yes.

It's not my partner's fault at all, but 17yo is rude, lazy, loud, aggressive and argumentative, drinking a lot and shouting at us, and I'm just reaching the end of my tether. I love DP but I can't take much more of this.

FWIW he was a lovely little boy when we first met. I'd never have guessed this would happen.

Wow thank you poster, this is an interesting perspective.

Maybe things were always going to end this way for us 😭 it's better that the ties are cut now

OP posts:
BlackDaffodil · 07/05/2021 16:15

OP you focus on you and your child. You sound very lovely. Flowers

Original poster
eggsfor1 · 07/05/2021 16:19

@BlackDaffodil

OP you focus on you and your child. You sound very lovely. Flowers
Thank you. I don't feel so. Knowing what I know now I would have acted differently and I hate thinking that I could have made either of my step children unhappy.

I was honestly doing my best with what I knew, now I have become a mother I can see how it wasn't enough.

OP posts:
Lorw · 07/05/2021 16:35

Sounds like he just wanted someone to do his parenting for him as he couldn’t be bothered and when you didn’t play ball that’s when he decided to end it. Don’t give this even another thought, not worth it.

wigjuice · 07/05/2021 16:48

It's your time now with your little one, celebrate who you are, banish the negative thoughts he has given you. I wish you lots of happiness 💖

Original poster
eggsfor1 · 07/05/2021 16:56

@wigjuice

It's your time now with your little one, celebrate who you are, banish the negative thoughts he has given you. I wish you lots of happiness 💖
Thank you for your kind words!
OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread